Before we get into today’s mailbag — which is a good one, I think — I wanted to address the USC roof-sex scandal that’s been going on this week. Apparently, a member of USC’s Kappa Sigma chapter was suspended from the fraternity after being photographed having sex on the roof of a dorm. As proof that the media is way too sensitive any time the word “fraternity” appears, here’s what Nerve said:

According to the Daily Trojan (no condom jokes in this piece), a meeting between the Interfraternity Council and Panhellenic Council of USC will take place to determine what steps should be taken in response to the incident. One can only hope that this was at least consensual, and not part of some sick hazing ritual, like we’ve been seeing lately.

“Well, someone in a fraternity had sex, so we’ll just have to hope it wasn’t rape. No no no, we don’t want to see all the different photos of them having obviously consensual sex; better to assume that this was a hazing ritual.”

I’m not going to pretend to have all the facts here; the only rush to judgment I’m going to make is that that dude must work out. But I’ll say this: rooftop sex is GREAT. You get plenty of fresh air, maybe a nice breeze on your balls, and there’s a great view of all these people NOT having sex. You feel like a king. I recommend it to anyone, and if Nerve or anyone else has a problem with that, they can go get screwed on a roof.

On to your questions.

Dear Captain of the Clunge,
No real football question to speak of. I suppose I could ask about the chances of Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning ever getting over the hump, but I’ve resigned myself to mediocrity.

Manning just habitually overthrows his receivers. His Super Bowl MVP-winning play — the Giant Snatch — was an overthrow to David Tyree. The receiver Manning has had the best chemistry with? Plaxico Burress, because he’s 6’6″ with long arms to catch Manning’s overthrows. Manning isn’t bad, but it seems like he’s never going to get past chucking it over his receivers’ heads.

But on to the sex: This is, I guess, one of those “good” questions. I’m in college, and have been hooking up pretty regularly with a fun, attractive girl. It’s not particularly serious, and we don’t really hang out, outside of the sexing, but we get along pretty well, and for all intents and purposes, it’s exclusive. Anyway, recently we started talking about fantasies. I went for the old standby of threesome (anal not having all too much appeal), and she told me that her biggest fantasy is to be tied up (though she is totally down for the threesome). I don’t have any experience in the area and while I don’t think it’s anything I would ask to do, I can see some light bondage being fun. My question is, do you have any advice about how to do that? Like, what to buy and what to do? I don’t feel like buying a book on the subject, and my brief look at the web shows mostly advice for really intense shit. Any advice would be welcome.
Sincerely,
College Is Awesome

There’s no need to go out and buy fuzzy handcuffs just yet — you can start with scarves or a couple of silk ties. You can tie each wrist to a bed post individually, but I recommend tying her wrists together, then tying that bond to a single post or the headboard. That way you can flip her over while you have your way with her.

Also, even though you’re only taking the first step with a little light bondage, it’s probably wise to agree on a safe word beforehand.

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Sir,
FF: Last season, I made the fatal flaw of inviting my (then) GF into playing my “fun” league, just for her to get a feel of how to play. I gave her some pre-draft advice, but mostly left her to her own devices. Inexplicably, she went 7-0 to start the season, and I ended up losing to her in the 3rd place game. What’s the best way to exact fantasy football revenge? Killing pre-draft help is a given. We’re friendly, but not to the point of me being able to trash-talk her teams (despite her being a dirty Pittsburgh fan; QED.) She’s a good friend, football smart, but I have this overwhelming urge to call upon the FF gods for smiting.

“Living well is the best revenge.” I suggest studying hard for your draft.

Sex, preparation in the making of: Since last week’s ‘bag read like a Coen Bros. script, here’s a softball for you: a while back, you made reference to a time where a man nears thirty and no longer sees the benefit of bachelor furniture, feels the body begin the descent into middle age, and generally focuses more on fully fleshing out what kind of man they want to be. I agree, and can currently identify with that stage. Specifically, my question focuses on a good gym routine. I’ve done a bit of research, checked out some of the DVD routines offered on late night TV (kinda crap), but haven’t found any good consensus. I’m an average weight (180) for my height (6’2″), just with poor definition. The best reason I’ve ever heard to go to the gym was once said by a friend of mine: “I only go to look good naked.” Any advice for building a good lifting/cardio/general health routine?
Thank you.
-MI

Well, now that you’re growing out of young adulthood and into “grown man” territory, it’s time to ditch that “I only go to look good naked” attitude. If you look at exercise as a chore, it willfeel like a chore — and thus will eventually get ignored. But if you can find a workout regime that you genuinely enjoy, you’ll look forward to exercise as stress relief and a way to invigorate your body and mind.

As anyone who’s seen me in rainbow snakeskin short-shorts knows, I’m a proponent of CrossFit. Now, CrossFit isn’t for everyone, but here’s what I like about it:

  • There are group classes, which makes exercising a social activity. I never trudge to the gym and go through the motions of a boring three-mile run on a treadmill because I don’t feel like working out — I show up and there’s a community of people I know who are going to push me to do my best.
  • It’s fucking expensive. When I had a regular gym membership, I paid 50 or 60 bucks a month and often ignored it. Now that I’m paying through the nose to stay fit, I never miss a class.
  • The workouts are short and intense, which means I only have to invest three hours a week to stay in good shape.

Like I said, CrossFit isn’t for everyone, but there are some touchstones from those bullet points. First, it helps if exercise isn’t a solitary endeavor: whether you take a group class (or something similar like a running club), have a workout partner, or pay for a personal trainer, it’s beneficial to get outside motivation. And second, the fastest way to get better muscle definition is to combine lifting with cardio: the metabolic conditioning from the anaerobic workouts of CrossFit and P90X really hit the sweet spot between muscle growth and fat loss.

The other part of a general health routine — and one that’s less fun for me to talk about — is diet. I’m not going to get into details because I’m not a certified nutritionist, but here are the guidelines for a good diet that most healthy people can agree on: you need a variety of fresh fruits and vegetables, plenty of lean protein, and fewer carbohydrates. Most men I know could probably lose five pounds in three weeks just by giving up beer. The catch, of course, is that the enjoyment of drinking beer is usually worth five extra pounds. It just depends on how much definition you’re looking for.

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Cave dude and the KSK Clan,
I know KSK is a football site – but i’m telling you, fantasy baseball with an auction draft is the place to be. Seriously – more difficult/entertaining, its just the way to go. That isn’t a question or even a comment about fantasy football, but take it as you may.

I will happily take it and shove it right up your ass.

Anyways, sex. I was that guy who had girlfriends from basically junior year of high school through a year post-college. Not the same one or even one prevailing one – just went from girl to girl to girl every 6 months/year. It worked fairly well, and i had more sex than i could’ve imagined i would’ve had in high school/college. Anyways, the last one was absolutely batshit crazy, but i dug it. Not in a violent way or anything…just really nuts – an all-around good person with a couple screws loose. Anyways, we broke up about 6 months ago and after like 6+ years of getting laid fairly consistently, I’m kind of stuck in a dry spell that i’ve never experienced before. I realize this is a fairly good problem. But i’ve always been that guy with a girlfriend, and it seemed that new gals would just come out of the woodwork. Now it seems like all the hot/single girls who would be into me have disappeared. To make matters worse, the majority of the women i was with were strictly out of my league – all of them between 7s-9s. The real question is – i’m only 25, but have i lost it? What has changed since the time when ladies wanted me? Am i just still hung up on the crazy chick?

Post script (because i am way too manly to use PS) – i live with 3 very attractive, nearly-engaged girl friends of mine. AND ALL OF THEIR HOT FRIENDS ARE ENGAGED…and its just horse shit, and it makes this entire thing that much more frustrating.
Sincerely,
“When did i turn into a loser?”

I ordinarily write something encouraging here, but I’m afraid I don’t see any sign of hope in this case. You’ve definitely lost it.

I blame fantasy baseball.

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Dear Dicklickers,
Fantasy- Are there any guys in the draft to consider for next season? Or is this completely futile without knowing their teams?

Probably, but it’s a pretty pointless thought experiment at this point. Better to wait until you see which players are matched with which systems. We’ve got plenty of time to speculate between the draft and (fingers crossed) Week 1.

Other- I know you always say don’t shit where you eat/dip the pen in company ink, and I have given others the exact same advice….but what about taking a job where my current girlfriend works? This would be a huge step up for me as far as the resume goes, still not sure about pay. She would be a level above me, but we would never work together. I know this isn’t really directly relationship related, but you’ve discussed the co-worker question ad nauseum.
-Office Drone

Well, it’s certainly not ideal, but that seems like just about the best scenario where two people dating could work for the same company.

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To Whomever Can Help Me,
I will spare you the fantasy football question as my sex, or lack thereof, questions are several fold.

I had a rough breakup this past summer with a GF of 5 years, since then I have been fortunate enough to find myself in situations where I have had several opportunities to do the deed with some really beautiful gals. However I have found it very difficult to “rise to the occasion” as it were.

/door flies open

Rex Ryan: First order of business: NICKNAMES! Limpdick, your new name is “Flaccido Domingo”!

With some of these ladies I was able to forward the blame onto whiskey dick and never talk to them again, with others they actually were interested in a second round, while sober, where my drinking excuse was obsolete. There is the rare occasion where the first or second time I am able to perform, and once that threshold is crossed, from then on is not a problem. However the majority of gals aren’t willing to endure a half dozen disappointing (although I do my best to orally and/or manually stimulate them) experiences to get to the point where I am functional enough to penetrate.

I am trying to figure out why this is. I am certainly attracted to and want nothing more than to bang these women’s brains out, and in most cases am not nervous/anxious. I just can’t see what kind of mental block is going on that’s preventing me from doing it? This is without doubt one of the more embarassing and humiliating environments one can find themselves in with a member of the opposite sex. I was wondering what to say, whether it be the route of “I prefer to wait a few times to have sex” (false), “It takes some time for me to get used to being with someone for the sex to happen” (true.) Or, if anyone else has dealt with this kind of problem and knows of a safe over the counter kind of remedy (like extenze or one of those things) to get me over the hump as once I am able to actually get an erection from then on it’s not an issue, I would appreciate it.
Long Time Listener First Time Caller,
Sam
Crescent Falls, CA

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the truth: you’ve had a tough breakup, and right now you can’t perform until you’ve gotten comfortable with someone. I’m sure some girls will be disappointed, but I think you’ll see that a lot of women will be more understanding than you expect. If you’re seeking a more immediate and physical solution, then I’d recommend seeing a urologist and getting a prescription for Viagra or something that will help you throw a football through a tire. A good rule of thumb is to never use any over-the-counter dick pill — especially if Jimmy Johnson uses it.

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Good afternoon Mr. Ufford,
Football: I’m in a standard Yahoo league of 6 friends from home – as you can imagine, it’s pretty boring with only six teams but none of our other friends care about fantasy football. Where’s a good place to recruit for new members? Since we all know each other, the message board is rife with in-jokes about our shitty hometown, girls from high school got have gotten fat, etc that random internet folks wouldn’t find as guffaw-inducing as we do. We’re all in our mid-to-late 20′s but all live in different areas of the state – I’d ask some of my coworkers but again, I don’t want them to feel left out (and then get bored) with our little man-child community. Open to your suggestions.

Well, you can’t have it both ways. If you want everyone to get your in-jokes from high school, then you’ll have to recruit for your fantasy league at the next high school reunion. Another option — and this is gonna sound crazy — is to maybe stop talking about high school now that you’re a decade or so removed from the experience. That should make it a little easier for your co-workers to mesh with the rest of the league.

Sex: Started dating a girl in September I knew through work. The nature of my job is transient – she worked for one of my clients, and we got to know each other during my time spent in her city. After my contract ended in November, her employer went out of business and I was forced to move back to my ‘home base’ city (two hours away) but we decided to keep the relationship going. We got along great, shared similar political views, were having great sex, her parents love me, etc. She’d come and visit me for a week or two at a time, then I’d go to her for a weekend and we split the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays at each others respective parents’. Everything is going pretty well but we didn’t see much of each other at all in February and the early part of March, due to scheduling difficulties.

Until she drops the bomb on me two weeks ago that she’s pregnant. And not just “holy shit I’m late and took a test and it’s positive” pregnant – 4.5 months pregnant.

Oof. That is a DAGGER.

Past the point where termination is an option. I’d noticed she had been putting on some weight but didn’t want to be an asshole and ask about it. Since we lived in different cities, I wasn’t exactly tuned into her monthly cycles. She tells me that she had missed her period for a few months but thought it had something to do with her birth control (which she admitted to not taking as regularly as instructed), had no morning sickness and felt fine. She never went to a doctor until a week ago.

No neonatal vitamins and plenty of birth control pills? This is gonna be the healthiest baby ever.

So, Captain Caveman, how the FUCK do I handle this? I’m 25 years old. No assets to speak of other than my car, my shitty one-bedroom apartment, some guitars and moderately sized TV. I’m not ready to be a father. My father was fantastic to my brother and I growing up – couldn’t have had a better role model if you made a computer model of A Great Dad from a Weird Science-type program. However, I am not my father and didn’t really plan on growing into that role for another 5-10 years.

She wants to give the child up for adoption as soon as it’s born and I have no real issue with that. However, she wants to hide the entire situation from her parents and move in with me for the next 4.5 months.

I told her that I would do my best to support her, and that we shouldn’t make any hard and fast decisions for a few weeks while we weigh consequences and think it through. I’m scared, I’m angry, I’m trying not to drink myself to sleep every night. Give me some help, man. I could really use it.
-Blindsided In Bethlehem

I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the woman you’ve been dating for the last six months is a moron. Like, Mississippi-public-school stupid. But the good news is that this mistake doesn’t have to define the rest of your life.

If it helps at all, I understand the sick feeling of terror you have. I won’t get into the details, but it involves an unplanned pregnancy, asking my parents if I could move in with the family I’d accidentally started, and then dealing with the fallout of a miscarriage that led to the collapse of what had been a pretty great relationship. Bad times.

I don’t share that information to garner sympathy, but to let you know that the key to getting rid of that sick feeling in your gut is to ACCEPT THE SITUATION. You want it to be one way, but it’s the other way. When you can say to yourself, “Okay, this thing happened, and I can’t change it” with a certain amount of calmness, you’ll be able to fall asleep without a fifth of booze in your blood.

There are, of course, many other details to address here. First of all, your girlfriend would also benefit from facing up to her mistake: not telling her parents about the pregnancy is an idiotic premise that I would only expect from Hollywood screenwriters. Similarly, I might balk at the notion of her moving in with you. A couple moving in together can experience all kinds of growing pains due to the change in the relationship — now try to imagine that, except instead of a woman moving in, you get the bundle of hormones that owns a woman’s mind during the final four months of pregnancy. Sure, you might feel that that’s the best way to support her through this time, but the stress may likely kill your relationship in the process. Assuming, you know, her being too dumb to realize she’s pregnant hasn’t already made up your mind in that regard.

The bottom line: your situation sucks. In the coming months, you and your girlfriend are going to have to face up to reality and be bluntly honest with yourselves and your families, and it’s not going to be fun. But it could be a lot worse: you’re not being asked to be a father before you feel ready. When all of this is said and done, you should be able to return to the normal life of a single man in his mid-20s — albeit one who’s a little wiser than before.

The lesson, as always, is this: pull out. Even if she’s on birth control, pull out. Had a hysterectomy? Pull out. Post-op male-to-female transsexual? PULL OUT. You can never be too safe — especially when you’re not wearing a condom.