I read comic books when I was a kid–superhero stuff. But during my college days, I had a friend whose grandmother sent him Archie comics. Apparently grandma was unaware that people in their early twenties were not part of the Archie demographic and he didn’t want to appear ungrateful. So every month another Double Digest would arrive in the mail and I would again wonder who was the biggest freak in the sack—Betty or Ronnie? (My theory: Ronnie, why else would Archie put up with that uppity bitch?)

Now Cowboys tight-end Jason Witten is making a special appearance in Archie comics to warn of the dangers of underage drinking. Witten’s visit is part of larger campaign by the well-intended buzzkills at Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Here’s a look at a page from the funnybook:

The first thing I thought when I saw the panel above was “I hope this got inked before it went to press.” Otherwise, it looks like something that would appear on a Steak-n-Shake kids’ menu. My second thought was how much Witten resembles Archie character, Moose Mason (a/k/a the guy who makes violent dating relationships funny):

But Witten isn’t the only Cowboy with a Riverdale doppelganger. There’s Archie Andrews the overachieving ginger…

Reggie Mantle, the vain raconteur…

And Jughead, the lovable idiot man-child…

Jerry Jones has money like Hiram Lodge, but is sort of crazy and lack Mr. Lodge’s snooty demeanor. Also, Wade Phillips looks like Mr. Weatherbee but isn’t nearly as smart.