Wow, I had my hands full with this one. This edition of the mailbag doesn’t have many submissions, but the problems that are in here are CRAZY serious. As in, “I spent most of my day fumbling around for decent answers”-serious. You see that banner image? That can be interpreted one of two ways, depending on which email you apply it to. Buckle up, shit’s about to get real.

Caveman,
FF: Prior to this last season, the three previous years I had made the championship of different leagues I was in (winning twice). I was in the leagues as a friend of a friend of the commissioner. All three times, I wasn’t asked back the next year. Everytime it happens I ask my friend who got me in the league what the fuck happened, and all three times it’s been ‘well the commissioner had a friend from high school/dude from college ask to play, so he didn’t really need you this year’. It’s not a huge deal because I’ll usually play in two or three leagues, but still pretty fucked up right? Is there some sort of bro-code on this sort of thing?

I can understand getting bumped for people who are closer friends to other people in the league, but it’s absolutely terrible form to kick out the reigning champion. Since you use the term “bro-code,” I recommend you file a complaint with the Miller Lite Court of Man Law.

Sex: My question is regarding my roommate. He’s a friend from high school, really nice guy, good job, and my ex’s (exii?)

Exes. There is no situation — EVER — in which an apostrophe should be used to make a word plural.

have told me he’s one of my better looking friends. Regardless of this, he dates the anti-christ. Background with her: he dated her for a year or so, broke up for 3 months, then got back together about 6 months ago. She has three things going for her: great rack, pretty face, enjoys anal. To get to those sumptuous titties and stick his dick in that pretty mouth/brown-eye he has to put up with the following: average body, three-year-old kid (who he gets stuck baby sitting frequently, sometimes on weekends so she can go out), daily fights, can’t look at other women, she’s deleted all girls’ numbers from his phone, can’t talk to his gf’s roommate because she’s hot and he made out w/ her four years ago, and the most batshit- he isn’t allowed to sleep in a town she’s not in.

I could easily list 40 more acts of lunacy, but you get the idea. The problem is he’s too fucking nice, realizes the kid needs a normal “parent”, and is a spineless pushover. She won’t let him go on roadtrips with us because of the sleeping out of town rule (last time he tried coming she yelled at him for not taking responsibility for the kid when it’s not even his fucking kid) and I haven’t had a beer with him in probably five months. The main reasons he stays with her are for the crazy sex and he feels bad for the kid who is actually a pretty decent kid despite his cumdumpster, lunatic mom.

I dated someone like this once. I mean, not a woman with a kid, but a woman whose insecurities forced her to lash out and pick fights over the most harmless minutiae. The sex was great because the sex HAD to be great to justify the misery of being around such a broken human being.

It’s to the point where we tell him to get rid of her on a daily basis, and he knows he should, but he keeps putting it off for one reason or another (first a Mardi Gras trip, now his April birthday which would be an acceptable move if he were actually a selfish dickhead, but he’s not, just a pussy). Is there a way to tell him he’s being a huge gash and to sack up and get rid of her? My friends can date all the c-words they want, but when it starts affecting my good times, I get a little pissy, and we have a fun summer coming up starting with a Kentucky Derby trip that she’s going to try ruining for him, so this needs to go down fairly quickly…..or do me and our other roommate just need to mind our own goddamn business?
Regulate in peace,
Dissed Champ

I have experience on both sides of this dilemma — as the guy with the terrible girlfriend, and as the friend of that poor sap. The thing you’re failing to realize here is that your friend isn’t a normal human being with free will. He’s in prison, jailed by a strong-willed woman who uses her body and a complex set of mind games to keep him from escaping. I’m not overstating it when I say that she’s subjecting him to a form of mental abuse.

Now, a lot of men subject themselves to these kinds of relationships, and they inevitably end one of two ways: (1) the man gives up on living a happy life and marries the shrike, or (2) he snaps and kicks her to the curb.

Unfortunately, getting in the middle of a relationship like this is tough — if you phrase your dislike of the girlfriend the wrong way, you may inadvertently push them closer together. The crazy girlfriend benefits from the boyfriend’s loss of friends, because she’s never satisfied until she has squashed anything else on the planet that might divert the boyfriend’s attention away from her: other women, friends, sports on TV, video games, porn, going outside without her, etc. Do not underestimate her shrewd villainy. She’s a worthy adversary.

So what do you do? I don’t know for sure; but personally, I think that — given your friend’s admission that he needs to break up with her — you need to play hardball with him. Stage an informal intervention: get together with your other roommate and tell your friend that his fat insecure bitch of a girlfriend is no longer welcome in the apartment, and that if he’s going to insist on continuing to date her, then the two cool people in the apartment are going to start looking for a new roommate/new apartment (depending on who’s on the lease). Be openly hostile to the girlfriend: tell her that your friend is too good for her, and that she makes him miserable whenever she’s talking or has her clothes on. I say you scorch that Earth: better to leave no survivors at all than to let your friend wallow in her prison.

Of course, I don’t think you’ll actually do that. NOBODY ever steps to an evil girlfriend that way. And it’s a shame that we don’t, because abusive people like her need intense therapy, not boyfriends to control.

**********

Dear KSK,
I’ve been living overseas in Korea for the past 2 years. Since I’m a foreigner, this has enabled me to get laid very easily. I say this so my post doesn’t come off as being narcissistic. Since arriving, I’ve had sexual relations (quoting Clinton) with many women. More than I had ever imagined I would prior to heading over here. The problem is, of all of the girls I’ve done stuff with, none of them interest me for a serious relationship. These flings usually just end up making me feel like an asshole (which I guess I am in some ways). I would much rather have a serious relationship over several one-night stands. These aren’t all promiscuous women either, which one would assume. I just get bored very, very easily.

“Help! I keep having sex with Korean women all the time!” Fuck you.

Is this just because I know I can get laid easily? Cultural differences? Something in the Korean water? I just want one girl! Do I pick one and just say, “alright, let’s do this relationship thing” or wait for one that I *really* do like? I’ve had a couple serious relationships in the past and both ended with me getting screwed over. I’m 25 BTW.
-Yellow Fever

Relax, you gaping asshole (and I call you a gaping asshole in the kindest way).

Can I make some assumptions here? Like a lot of gaijin, you have reasons to find Asian women attractive: generally speaking, they’re submissive, deferential, impressed by your non-Asian penis, and they have really nice skin. All of which makes them ideal choices to bring home from a bar, because they just might be cooking or cleaning when you wake up in the morning. But you don’t want a submissive, demure girlfriend. You want someone brassy, someone different, someone who gets all your jokes because English is her first language and she grew up watching My Little Pony, just like you did.

Or something to that effect. In short: 25 is still exceptionally young, especially for a man. Hold out for someone you genuinely like before you get into a relationship. And for the love of God, flush that conscience down the drain and keep enjoying your stay in heaven, jackass.

**********

Dear Sex Bag Wrangler,
I know that this is the ‘Fantasy Football & Sex’ advice column, but can I shake it up a bit and ask for life advice?

Whatever.

So here is the situation: after leaving school at 18 I was a bum. Never went to Uni, had a few jobs, some good some bad, and drifted a bit. Last year I figured out where I wanted my life to go, knuckled down and got into College (I’m British, and studying in your fine country starting September, so knuckling down actually meant re-learning maths for the fucking SAT. That sucked. I’ve spent many years trying to forget algebra) to study something I’m passionate about.

Although I don’t really care about age, the fact is I’ll be a 24 year old freshman. And English.

“Help! I’m going to get laid all the time!” What the fuck is wrong with people this week?

I have no desire to be some creepy older guy, however between making friends with my fellow Freshman, heading to a school where males are in the minority and having ready legal access to alcohol, there are many awkward situations to be had. Where the hell do my boundaries lie? I want to have a kick ass social life alongside studying, but don’t want to be some old creeper buying beer and Smirnoff Ices for 18 year olds (or being regarded as a dick for not doing so, as I remember being underage and hating people who wouldn’t buy you booze). Eurgh… help. I’ve considered everything from completely not caring about this shit to refusing to state my age as being anything over 21 and trying to track down any other freshman who aren’t fresh out of high school.

Your desire not to be the creepy old guy is commendable but overinflated. I used to work on sending my smarter enlisted Marines into something called MECEP (Marine Enlisted College Education Program), which generally involved a rigorous summer of re-learning math (it’s singular here in the States) before sending a 23- or 25-year-old active-duty Marine off to a college campus.

And let me tell you something, sir: those Marines OWNED their respective campuses. And why not? They’d been busting their ass in the military for at least four years, then got sent to a place requiring minimal work and time management skills that was populated entirely by nubile young women and male idiots who considered waking up by 9:00 a.m. for a one-hour lecture not merely difficult, but OUT OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY. Those Marines were men among dodos.

And so shall you be. In the eyes of other freshman, you’re going to be worldly and experienced and exotic and — most importantly — the owner of a legitimate I.D. that states a legal drinking age. If anything, your biggest concern won’t be “Am I the creepy guy?” — it will be “Holy Jesus I can’t stand these idiots.” You should be helpful and magnanimous, but choose your friends and sexual conquests carefully.

Football: What with being British I don’t have a team that I support. I’ve got players/coaches that I’ve got a soft spot for, but in general I just love the game and usually my allegiance is based on who I’ve bet on. However, when I’m college bound I’m moving to Patriots territory. I don’t have to become a Pats fan, do I? Please say I don’t?
Sincerely,
The World’s Oldest Freshman

BE STRONG. Don’t get sucked into the Pats hype. Think about it this way: the Pats mascot is an American revolutionary. That’s pretty much the last team a Brit should be rooting for.

**********

Sir,
Football: non-applicable at the present, but I’m interested in doing the fantasy thing next season (whenever that may be). I don’t really have friends who would be down with it, though. I watch “The League” and would like to engage in that sort of camaraderie, but it doesn’t seem a go with my group. Should I even bother, or just enjoy the games for their own intrinsic value?

Ugh, enjoy the games’ intrinsic value? Like a common fan? NO THANK YOU.

Trawl around in the comments of KSK this summer — you might find some intelligent, like-minded commenters who are similarly in search of creating a good fantasy league.

Sex: Not quite sure how to start this. I don’t want to sound like a pervert or a horrible human being, so I guess I’ll give some background, then the question, then will accept the validity of your and the commenters’ jurisdiction over my screwed-up mind.

Okay. Thank you for explaining that to me.

The present: I’m in my late 20′s. Have a bachelor’s degree in philosophy (deserve whatever shit I get for admitting it), partial master’s degree (went to divinity school, realized it wasn’t for me). Am living with my parents again (sort of long story, but I came home from grad school to help take care of my dad after spinal surgery and didn’t go back).

I imagine the philosophy degree isn’t helping much, either.

I’m a decent-looking guy and in pretty good shape (I landscape and instruct yoga and other fitness classes). However, it’s been over two years since I’ve gotten anything remotely resembling action. I’m not shy and get along with females quite well; I’m not even particularly discerning. But the fact remains, I’ve practically regained my virginity. I understand dry spells are a part of being a man, so I accept this, but I wasn’t exactly swimming in it before. I was nearly 25 when I first had those relations, and it was after making my first girlfriend wait a month (I am by no means a prude, but I do take seriously the intimate union of two individual humans which has at the very least the possibility of producing another human life).

Actually, you’re a prude. That “possibility of producing human life” bullshit is the kind of thing that prudes say.

We dated for a few months, then broke up, but it was less a break-up than a temporary removal of the “boyfriend/girlfriend” tag. I dated another girl for a while before she broke up with me to almost immediately date a known junkie, but it always seemed as if my first and I would reunite, and we indeed were sort of headed for that…

That is, until her roommate’s boyfriend lay in wait for her to get off work one night (three years ago to the day as I write this), then brutally and senselessly murdered her.

I did not see that coming.

This broke me, in almost all aspects. I remain broken. Yet out of all the various problems that resulted, I come to you with one which is forum-related. Here is the gist of this problem, which I feel guilty about and reprehensible for even bringing up. As noted before, I have no current intimate experiences now and had few even before my dry spell began. This, I have dealt with through certain, ahem, means.

What? You mean jerking off? You can say “jerking off,” you know. Or masturbation, whatever. Just don’t make me guess.

However, given my lack of experiences and partners, I keep finding my thoughts drifting to the few memories of real sexual contact that I possess. And inevitably, they drift to my first girlfriend and lover. If she still lived, I would have no problem with this. But because she does not, every time my mind slips, I either feel too guilty to go on or too frustrated to stop.

Ah, the old dilemma about masturbating to someone who’s dead. Who hasn’t been there before?

I still love her and would probably be with her if that one brutal night hadn’t happened, but I can’t help but feel that I disparage her memory by going to that place in my mind generally reserved for thoughts that don’t fully represent my relationship with her.

“Signed, A Character from The Scarlet Letter.

“P.S. Send medicine for tuberculosis, as many of us in the New World are battling this illness between Indian attacks.”

I guess what I’m asking is, is it reasonable/acceptable to still think of her in this way, or am I a despicable asshole who shouldn’t be near any woman whatsoever?
Sincerely,
Guilty Or Not

You are not a despicable asshole. Quite the opposite, I’d argue. However, you’ve got SEVERAL cans of worms that are contributing to your hang-ups with sex. Here’s what I picked up on:

1. You’ve given sex an overinflated value. It’s wise to choose your sexual partners carefully, but you seem to take pride in making your now-dead ex-girlfriend wait a month in order to have sex with her. Given your dalliance with divinity school, I understand that you’re religious, but as a male human being you should probably recognize that your puritanical leanings don’t make you a better person — they just limit your sexual options, which in turn leads to you cry during masturbation even though you can’t say the word masturbate. The teachings of organized religion — especially Christianity — aren’t often in line with a healthy and happy sex life. You may have to undergo a fundamental shift in some of your views in order enjoy sex like a normal person.

2. The woman that died was your EX-girlfriend. You might think you two were headed for happily ever after, but you have no guarantee of what was going on in her head. Who’s to say what would have happened? Maybe she wanted someone with more sexual experience. Don’t put her on a pedestal: it will only make women you date in the future feel like they can’t live up to her.

3. Jerking off is nothing to feel guilty about. If your ex-girlfriend hadn’t died, you’d probably still be jerking off to her. That’s what guys do: we endlessly seek out sex, and when we don’t get it, we jerk off. It’s good to clean the pipes — it calms the nerves.

Anyway, go get yourself some professional therapy. And/or a hooker. You’ve got a lot of work to do.