One day last week Vinny Cerrato set aside a couple of hours to go on the Mike Wise Show and attempt to explain some things about his tenure with the Redskins. He said some ridiculous things, blamed others for the organizations failures, and agreed to disagree with fans who called in to tell him that he’s incompetent. Fun stuff, no doubt, but not quite enough to satisfy our lust for Vinny blood. That’s why Wise did his due diligence and trekked out to Cerrato’s new palace in the hinterlands outside of Baltimore for a follow-up column.
The finished product is pure magic, so do yourself a favor and read the whole thing. You will laugh, you will be frustrated, but most of all, you will be amazed at this man’s alarming wrongheadedness.
Below the red brick, neo-colonial estate is a marked-off football field, where boys’ names are still legible in the end zone.
“THIS PLACE IS A PALACE! I mean, I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley!”
“I put ‘Vincent’ in one end zone and ‘Charlie’ in the other,’ ” Vinny Cerrato says, referring to his two sons, who are downstairs in the basement with their little sister, Rachel, doing homework. “Pretty nice place, huh?”
“I have had to work hard everyday of my life and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for you lifetime of sloth and ignorance? Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes, and [sniffs] lobsters for dinner!”
This is the house your Adam Archuleta jersey and Gray-Lot parking bought. This is the house Vinny lives in.
Well played, Mr. Wise. Although to be fair, if you bought an Archuleta jersey you have no one to blame but yourself and the bank that allowed you to have a credit card.
It’s a virtual witness protection program for Redskins executives who know too much.
Arugula. It’s a veg-e-table.
There is a movie theater, workout and memorabilia rooms in a basement that stretches forever, all the amenities imaginable
“Yes, that’s me, and the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford…..And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins…..Oh! And here’s a picture of me in outer space.”
“Went to the big-screen store and they said if you buy a 73-inch, you get a 42-incher free,” Cerrato says. “Had to do it.”
For those who are unfamiliar, The Big Screen Store is a local discount shop that foists this deal (or one like it) off on anyone who walks through the door. You can go in there and ask for a 46″ Samsung LED TV and they will invariably push you towards their 73″ Mitsubishi plasma monstrosities. But wait, there’s more! They’ll throw in a second television that you don’t even need whose cost is covered by the markup on the first one. They might as well call it the Vinny Cerrato special.
Traded for Brandon Lloyd and he said if we tore up his old contract he’d sign a brand new one. Had to do it.
He has written charts on every potential draftee in Mead stenograph binder notebooks. “I did 140 guys, now I just got 80 to go,” he says, gleefully.
There’s a fine line between glee and deranged glee. I feel safe in my assumption that Vinny exists almost exclusively on the other side of said line.
Cerrato does this pro bono, because he is currently working for no one.
Hey, you have to stay sharp, right? The next time the phone rings it could be Scott Pioli on the other end looking for some hot tips.
“I was still a general manager this season – they called me the ‘resident GM’ at 1050 [AM radio] in New York,” he quips.
Before you ask, the answer is yes, that was Malcolm Kelly you heard giving traffic updates on the 8’s.
“Hee-hee,” Cerrato cackles.
If you want context, read the article.
Asked if he watched the NFL draft combine – a monotonous, mind-numbing, four-day long workout of muscled 22-year-olds in Spandex – Cerrato says: “Watched it? I taped it.”
Tape it? I masturbated to it.
In a rare moment of clarity, though, a caller asked whether Cerrato believed the Redskins were better off when he took the job or when he was fired. Thinking back to the one home playoff game under former coach Norv Turner – Jan. 8, 2000; the game ball is encased downstairs – he comes to terms with his tenure.
“I’d have to say unsuccessful,” Cerrato says, nodding for a long while, almost pondering that he just said that word in relation to himself.
But my trip to the Big Screen Store? Wildly successful. They threw in the extended warranty and it only cost me an extra $500! Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go see a man about some beans.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.