Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and wanted for rabbit arson in over 36 states! You might remember me from the time I painted that police helicopter in hooker blood, or the time I sent Virginia McCaskey a photo of her children with their eyes x’ed out, or the time I hid in your basement for a month without you knowing and constantly tapped on the radiator with a serrated knife! You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers, Alonzo Spellman’s Hobo Traps, and Alonzo Spellman’s Pepper Spray Alarm Clock!

Well folks, I’m here with another great product for you and your family. Now, we all know that baby skulls are an important component to any low cholesterol regimen. Studies show that eating baby skulls can lower your bad cholesterol count by as much as 3 hectares!

But that horrible, gritty baby skull taste! Who wants to start their day with that at their breakfast table? Well, I’ve found a solution: Alonzo Spellman’s Steel Cut Baby Skulls! These aren’t like your traditional steamed and rolled baby skulls. This is a whole new way of enjoying Mother Nature’s healthiest treat! We take 100% pure Rwandan baby skulls, fresh from the killing fields…

Then we remove the outer husk, cut the skulls with steel discs, and that’s it! No added ingredients! No overly processed bones! Just PURE SKULL.

Best of all, we pick our baby skulls young, before the fontanels have joined, when the bones are nice and soft. Say goodbye to baby skull fragments in your teeth! My steel cut baby skulls have a rich, smooth, earthy baby skull flavor. And when you add brown sugar and fresh bananas to them? DELICIOUS.

And my Steel cut Baby Skulls aren’t just for breakfast! Use them the way you would normal baby skulls, or flax seeds! I’ll make you a baby skull and raisin cookie that will grab you by the BALLS. Or add a dash of it to any fried chicken batter for a unique, crispy texture. Just one tablespoon of my baby skulls has up to 40g of soluble fiber! Your shits will feel like childbirth! And they kinda will be!

So if you’re looking to improve your cholesterol and commit human atrocities, then send fifty dollars and a box of colored pencils to this address:

Alonzo Spellman, aka “The Digger,” aka “Pol Pot Pie,” aka “Big Punchy”
c/o the vampire aliens
Did you know there are vampire aliens?
They suck all the blood out of your peepee and use it for spaceship fuel and they do NOT send a thank you note
Chicago, TX 3495867346093485692834593475234509845
PAR AVION

Please send your payment along with a self-addressed stamped return envelope with your address on it. Why do I want your address? What, you think I’m gonna hurt you? WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT? God, sometimes you people make me so ANGRY! I just wanna take your children and grind them up into a nutritious breakfast cereal, I’m so pissed! Wait, did you hear that? There’s a fox out in the brambles. I swear I heard him. Why doesn’t anyone believe when I say that foxes are Mexican spies? BECAUSE THEY ARE. I HAVE PROOF.