OPEN ON A CAMERA SLOWLY PULLING OUT THROUGH A DOOR FRAME. A MAN IS IN A BEDROOM, HIS HAND BURIED IN HIS HANDS.
V/O: Coming to AMC next year… From the creators of Mad Men and The Sopranos… comes television’s next great drama. A show so profound, and moving, that it will have critics across the land ejaculating in their boxer briefs. It’s…
“Slowly Pulling Out Through Door Frames.”
SUPER: SLOWLY PULLING OUT THROUGH DOOR FRAMES
CUT TO ANOTHER CAMERA SLOWLY PULLING OUT THRU A BATHROOM DOOR, WITH A WOMAN SITTING IN A BATH WITH A BLANK STARE.
V/O: You’ve never seen a camera pull out this slowly. This excruciatingly.
CUT TO ANOTHER CAMERA SLOWLY PULLING OUT THRU A GARAGE DOOR, WITH A MAN SITTING IN HIS CAR, HESITANT TO WALK IN HIS OWN HOUSE.
V/O: Sometimes we even stop the pullout.
V/O: And then we start it again.
THE CAMERA CONTINUES PULLING BACK.
CUT TO A CAMERA PULLING OUT THROUGH A MUSEUM DOORWAY, WITH A MAN STARING AT A PAINTING.
V/O: And you’ve never seen such elaborate door frames. Some of them even have molding. We’re pulling out from every kind of room you can imagine: bedrooms, bathrooms, parlors, studies, dens, offices. Even a walk-in closet?
CUT TO A WOMAN CROUCHED IN A WALK-IN CLOSET, THE CAMERA PULLING OUT.
V/O: Even a walk-in closet. But there’s even more than meets the eye to this show. We’ve also got tons and tons of vaguely worded dialogue.
CUT TO A COUPLE.
WOMAN: What do you want from me?
MAN: I don’t know what I want.
WOMAN: Maybe you don’t WANT to know what you want.
CAMERA PULLS BACK ON THE COUPLE THROUGH A DOORWAY.
V/O: And bizarre non-sequitirs that you think are relevant to the plot but aren’t.
A MAN WALKS INTO A ROOM WITH A LAMP.
MAN: Look at this lamp. What am I gonna do with this?
V/O: And furtive glances that you think are important, but are really just designed to fill running time.
EVERYONE STARES AT THE LAMP, THE CAMERA PULLS BACK.
V/O: Tedious? You bet. Inscrutable? Damn right. Who knows? We might just spend 42 minutes on a single pullout. Alessandra Stanley of the New York Times raves, “Nothing happened, and that’s what makes it so riveting.” Ken Tucker of EW says, “The pullouts were really slow, so that means this show is meaningful like a motherfucker.” And Matt Roush of TV Guide exclaims, “If they pull out thru a patio door, I’ll finger my own asshole.”
So prepare yourself for the landmark event of the television season. Slowly Pulling Out Thru Door Frames. First episode presented with out commercial interruption.
I want more like this!
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