Protester 1: Down with Mubarak!
Protester 2: We want democracy!
Protester 3: WHAT DO WE WANT? FREEDOM! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? NOW!
Mubarak: People of Egypt, I want to address you tonight.
Protesters: BOOOOOO YOU SUCK!
Mubarak: These are troubled times. Egypt needs stability. It needs firm leadership. That is why I cannot abandon my post as President.
Protesters: SCREW YOU! AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
Mubarak: However, I refuse to go against the will of the people. Starting today, my Vice President shall assume more control over the Egyptian government.
Protester 1: That’s not real change! He’s just your toady! DOWN WITH MUBARAK! DOWN WITH MUBARAK! DOWN WITH MUBARAK!
Mubarak: Fine. FINE. You people want to play rough? All right. We’ll play it rough. Hosni isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. I brought someone here tonight to deliver you revolutionaries the truth about your little uprising. Bring him out.
(Persian hanging tapestry flies open)
Tommy: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! FACK YOU! You people should listen to President Camel Jawkey! Where-ah the fack do you facks get awff thinking that you ahhhh revolutionaries? There is only ONE revolution in history, and it all stahhhhhted in Chahhhlestown! At BUNKAH HILL! Sam Adams! Pawl Reveee-ah! Ben Franklin. OW-AH REVOLUTIONARIES AHHH BETTAH THAN YOUR-AH REVOLUTIONARIES! No one wants to see a revolution headed up by Ali Bawbba! Why don’t you facks go rub your cawk on a magic lamp?
Tommy: You think yahhhh little boos phase me? I FEED OFF YOUR-AH YOUR-AH JEALOUSY! You cannawt hurt me when I am in Fack You Mode! Revolutions ahhh such an impartant pahht of New England culchahh, we even named ow-ah faggot soccah team after it! FACT! Chahhlestown has more-ah ahhhmed rawbberies than anywhere-ah in the world! THAT’S BECAUSE WE’RE TOUGH-AH THAN YOU SAND DAHHKIES!
(parks Chevy Suburban across two handicapped spots)
Tommy: Go ahead and boo! I will silence you like Larry Legend did all those red cunts in Detroit back in the 80’s! YOUR-AH HATE WAS HIS FUEL! THAT IS WHAT MADE HIM SO UNIQUE!
What do you people know about suffering? Serves you right fahhh livin’ in a camel’s asshole! You don’t know about PAIN. You don’t know what it’s like to see the Yankees win yet anathah World Series in 2009! That’s something tears your-ah hahhht out! Ask America how it felt on that dahhhk, dahhk day! It was a day dahhkah than your-ah ancestahs! It ranks a 45 on my Gut Punch Scale, which everyone agrees is 100% accurate! You only rate a 3! Name me anothah great Egyptian rivalry!
Tommy: And to sit they-ah and suffah through yet anthah NFL playawff lawss was too much far us to bay-ahh! I told you Belichick was getting up they-ahh! But no one listened to me! And what was with Brady that day? Was he injahhhed? Maybe his whore-ah of a baby mawmma asked far more-ah money! WHY DOESN’T THAT TWO-BIT SLUT ASK SELLECK FAR SOME CASH? When a white man knawks up a white chick, we all know the white chick lied about taking the pill! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
And then I had to sit through that piece of shit Supah Bowl, a Supah Bowl WE WOULD HAVE EASILY WON. FACT: The Steeleahs have nevah had to face us when going to a Supah Bowl! They took the shortcut! LIKE YOU DAHHKIES TRYING TO BOGAHT THE SUEZ CANAL!
Tommy: Face it, people of Israq, you ahhhh nawt TRUE FANS OF DEMAWCRACY! I know why we beat the British back in ’76, okay? It was becawse the LEGENDARY FANS OF TREMAIN NATION cheer-ahed so hahhd, that the British folded! We could sense their-ah fear. We saw it in their-ah eyes. When they landed at Plymouth Rawk and saw us throwing beer-ah bawttles and calling them faggots, you could tell they wanted NO PAHHHHT OF US! That’s what a good crowd does! It lifts the home team! You can’t undahstand that unless you ahhh pahht of it! ONLY WE KNOW THE CODE!
Protester 1: You weren’t alive during the American Revolution.
Tommy: I HAVE FACKIN’ LINEAGE! LOOK!
(shows off tattoo of Pat Patriot)
Tommy: THAT IS AWLL YOU NEED TO KNOW! And what the fuck kind of terrorist music do you cunts listen to here-ah? WHERE-AH CAN I FIND A HINDAH CD IN THIS COUNTRY?!!!
Tommy: You bettah fackin’ wawtch who you ahhh tahhkin’ to! Ever see The Fightah? THAT IS WHAT YOU DEAL WITH WHEN YOU DEAL WITH US. Even ow-ah women ahhh tough twats! My sistah once stabbed a towelhead with knife she keeps in her pussy!
Tommy: MAHK WAHLBERG ONCE BLINDED A DAHKIE AND DID NAWT APAWLOGIZE!
Tommy: Go on. Hate me all you like. BUT YOU HAVE TO LOVE THE EFFORT THAT DUSTIN PEDROIA GIVES DAY IN AND DAY OUT!
Tommy: FACK YOU! I asked far a hookah in this country and awll I got was apple tobacco! WHERE IS A GAWDDAMN RUB AND TUG IN THIS CITY?!
Mubarak: That’s enough. I think you’ve said what needed to be said.
Tommy: They don’t listen! This is becawse they ahhh half-dahkie! No one will remembah this uprising by the time pitchahs and catchahs repart! THIS COUNTRY SMELLS LIKE A DRY CUNT STUFFED WITH HUMMUS!
I want more like this!
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