Saturday’s big celebrity whoopty-doo was the DirecTV Celebrity Beach Bowl, Spike TV’s sand football game featuring NFL retirees and famous people that teenagers can identify more readily than I can. My job was simple: hold the coats that belonged to the blonde chicks assigned to increase Captain Morgan’s already impossible-to-ignore presence. For this reason I had an all-access VIP pass. Matt Ufford: very important coat holder.

Anyway, I get sick of myself when I start writing about how I hovered near this or that famous person, so let’s get straight to the pictures:

“DURRRR!!!” That’s what I wanted to say every time I passed within two feet of Merrill Hoge. DURR! DURR! DURR! It’s impossible not to think once it gets into your head.

Joe Manganiello, who plays a werewolf on “True Blood.” Clearly a dickbag.

Interestingly, Manganiello got an interception on the first play of the game, a pass by Jesse Palmer. Jesse Palmer isn’t even a good quarterback in celebrity flag football games.

I don’t know who these chicks are, but they later stripped down to scandalously short shorts and tight shirts, so they’re okay in my book.

(UPDATE: They’re Lana Tailor of HDNet’s “Get Out” and Amy Lynn Grover Brooke Long — thanks to grungedave for the heads-up)

“Jerry! Jerry! What’s it like being even shorter and slighter than Adrian Grenier?”

Guy Fieri said his favorite Super Bowl was XL, because it’s the first one he went to. When asked who played in that game, he had to struggle to remember the Steelers, then couldn’t remember who the other team was. (*grinds teeth to dust*)

Now THAT’S a celebrity! I could give a shit about all the starlets and Hall of Fame players (I talked to Barry Sanders briefly), but when DirecTV’s “Opulence, I Has It” Russian billionaire is hanging around, consider me starstruck. (He’s a nice dude. He has a British accent and his name is Tim.)

After the game (free Diageo liquor in the VIP area, WOOT), we quickly left to avoid the scheduled Maroon 5 appearance. And crowds of people were like, “Are you coming back? Do you need that VIP pass?’ And I absolutely didn’t need it, but I wasn’t about to hand it away to some desperate prole. The way I see it, I did them a favor by preventing them from seeing Maroon 5.