When we last left oversized Roger Goodell hand-puppet Peter King, he was busy CONSPIRING SECRETLY WITH THE LIKES OF RON BORGES TO KEEP CRIS CARTER OUT OF THE HALL OF FAME. SHOW YOUR FACES, COWARDS.
/takes off homer hat
Also, he was busy fetching Gatorade for Steve Young and marveling at Roger Goodell’s ability to use an elliptical trainer. Oh, and he bitched about the Super Bowl weather. Endlessly. In fact, he even took the care to bitch about the weather at Super Bowls that have yet to take place, which was nice. Pretty good someone in the middle of DENIAL:
I’m not one of those people who rail against whatever city the Super Bowl is in.
O RLY? Well then, join me after the jump as Petey spends paragraph after paragraph doing precisely that.
Great storylines. There were plenty on a night when Aaron Rodgers tied former Packer Brett Favre for career Super Bowl victories. I found one at the locker of Charles Woodson, about two hours after the Packers beat the Steelers 31-25 in what might be the last NFL game we see for a long while.
Seriously, enough with the “this might be the last NFL game you’ll EVER see!” meme, please. I get it. There is some mild labor turmoil. You aren’t helping things by telling me OOOOH NO MORE FOOTBALL FOR YOU! Every time Peter King scares up a work stoppage bogeyman, Goodell puts a gold star on his forehead. WHO’S A GOOD CARRIER PIGEON? IS IT YOU? IT IS!
At one point, Woodson turned his back to us — his left arm already through the sleeve of his black jacket, his eyes closing to help bear the pain — and said, “Now I’m going to ask your for a favor. Help me with my jacket.”
“You’re the asshole who got Steve Young 237 sugar cookies, right? PUT MY CLOTHES ON, COOKIEBOY.”
It’s been an eventful week, with all the weather weirdness here…
Sometimes the wind blew SIDEWAYS!
…with the league and the players taking baby steps on a very long trip to get a new labor deal…
Which probably won’t get done in time and you’ll NEVER see football again unless the players cave in! Right, Rog?
…with a seven-man Hall of Fame class that has left quite a few of you apoplectic and us 44 selectors needing a very long nap…
You people don’t get it. Sitting in a room and getting free food while playing God and choosing who gets to make the Hall and who doesn’t, and not having to answer to anyone for it, is HARD WORK! I’m tired! If only someone could massage my back. I wish Peter King were nearby. But I AM Peter King! Isn’t that just a bitch?
There are postgame things I remember as a writer from many of these Super Bowls, like…
-That time I yelled at a waiter at the Capital Grille!
-Watching old Marlins highlights with Dan Uggla back in 2009!
-Personally wiping Willie Gault after the ’85 Bears clinched!
-Dinner at Toone P. Wiggins with John Taylor and his wife!
….Bill Parcells, a year later, the morning after the Giants won their first one, riding to the day-after press conference with NFL security man Charlie Jackson and asking, “Last year, was Ditka as excited as I am right now, Charlie? Was he?”
Holy shit, really? BILL PARCELLS NEEDS TO LEAD THE LEAGUE IN BEING EXCITED.
…Jimmy Johnson, after his Cowboys drilled the Bills, telling me that night, “While Marv Levy’s in there reading Shakespeare to his guy, my guys are up in their rooms, belly-laughing at The Flintstones.”
No fucking idea what that means.
…Sitting on a luggage cart in a stairwell with Brett Favre at the Fairmont Hotel in New Orleans for 45 minutes, dissecting the 35-21 rout of the Patriots.
“You ever try using this cart as a sex toy? It CAN be done.”
When Woodson came out of the shower, the last Packer to do so, his body was severely tilted to the left…
And he was naked. So very, very naked. Rapaciously naked. I wanted to eat through him.
I timed him putting on his black dress shirt: 97 seconds.
Timed it. Recorded it. Seared it into my cerebellum. The 97 best seconds of my life.
I asked him what he thought Al Davis might be saying tonight.
“VOODSON! VOODSON, YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME! BLAH! BLAH!”
Of all the things that struck me in the wake of Saturday’s election of seven men to the Hall’s Class of 2011… I was left to think about how difficult the job of the 44 selectors is going to be in 2013 and beyond…
My God, we’re all just so tired! It’s like being forced to work in a Calcutta juice box plant! Wilbon couldn’t even sneak out for five minutes to start a racial flame war! LABORIOUS. Do you not see my eyelids? You try doing this job and see how easy it is!
Looking at the leading candidates to become Hall finalists over the next four years:
2012: Drew Bledsoe…
YOU SEE! Nothing is harder than figuring out if Drew Bledsoe is a Hall of Famer or not! I mean, we’re talking DREW BLEDSOE, one of the most notable average quarterbacks of all time! And he played for New England, which merits extra consideration! We might need to order extra shrimp toast for that one!
Seriously though, Drew Bledsoe? That’s a fucking hard decision?
2014: Shaun Alexander, Derrick Brooks, Tony Dungy, Marvin Harrison, Rodney Harrison, Mike Holmgren.
Again, so hard. Clearly, I have to vote in Dungy and Harrison BECAUSE I KNOW THEM. FROM A LITTLE TV NETWORK I LIKE TO CALL NBC. MAYBE YOU’VE HEARD OF IT.
Obviously, the arguments on (Cris) Carter simply aren’t working.
Then get me in the room.
ME: Hey, assholes. Vote for Carter or I’ll piss in your fucking eyes.
BORGES: Oooh. Can I steal that line for my next column?
It’s not easy.
HOW HEAVY THIS BURDEN…
I want to emphasize that I’m not complaining.
I’m not complaining, even if I kinda just did for a few paragraphs. The people at CNN understood!
One of the best beat writers of this generation, Vinny DiTrani of the Bergen (N.J.) Record, has covered his last game, and a few of his acolytes (me included) took him out to the Blue Goose, a Mexican place here in Dallas, the other night. When it came time to pay the bill, seems it had disappeared. The Giants picked it up. Class guy, class move.
There’s nothing classier than buying me dinner. VINNY DITRANI FOR THE HALL!
When you rank the best quarterbacks in the game, (Aaron Rodgers has) got to be in the discussion now. Not saying he should be second or third or whatever, but his accuracy and coolness on such a grand scale over the past month are very Brady-like.
Semi-Peytonishy!
Saturday night, SI dinner for staffers/friends of SI/clients, luxury apartment near downtown Dallas:
And I cannot emphasize enough, this was a LUXURY apartment. Very fancy. With granite counters and everything. Much nicer than your apartment.
I’m at a table with, among others, SI swimsuit model Chrissy Teigen and her boyfriend, singer John Legend, a huge football fan. At one point we’re talking about the bombastic Rex Ryan — who is in the room too — and his performance in the HBO Hard Knocks series last summer. I tell Teigen if she hasn’t seen the “Let’s go get a God—- snack,” video, she simply has to. So she whips out her iPhone, finds it on YouTube, and watches/listens to it, and begins howling with laughter. So I go over and get Ryan, and tell him he has to meet Teigen, and explain the snack thing.
And then Ina Garten shows up and makes us all her Outrageous Brownies! BEING WHITE IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD!
Chrissy Teigen, Rex Ryan, John Legend, in a Dallas apartment, on a Saturday night in February. Only at the Super Bowl.
A great night. TOO BAD IT WAS RUINED BY TWO INCHES OF SNOW EXISTING OUTSIDE.
I figured this was not going to be your typical Super Bowl week when I got off the elevator at the Sheraton Dallas and saw my breath.
My God! I see my breath! And it still has traces of egg nog and Tony Romo’s tongue in it!
Faintly, but there it was.
No mistaking it. THIS WAS THE SMOKING GUN. Or, at least, the steaming vapor gun.
Among the many things about Texas, one is this: They simply don’t heat their buildings well here.
WEAR A SWEATER.
Now, I’m not one of those who say there should never be a Super Bowl in City X because there was a rotten week of weather. But here, I’d actually think about it.
I’m not one to do this, EXCEPT THAT I AM.
One meteorologist on the local news said this was a once-in-20-years weather event. Kevin Kolb, who lives an hour or so west of the city in a small town, came to Dallas and said, “I was fishing in short sleeves five days ago.”
I’d never normally say a city shouldn’t host a Super Bowl due to inclement weather. But the fact that this was a once-in-a-lifetime storm for this area makes me certain that it will happen AGAIN.
All that being said, and understanding that this was a freakish storm, it’s hard to fathom for an event that was this ballyhooed, by a region that is dying to get in the regular Super Bowl rotation, that they don’t have many (any?) plows down here, they don’t salt the roads when there’s an ice storm (and there was a doozy Tuesday morning), and their energy grid is ill-equipped to handle the drain on the resources the region faced late in the week.
But I’m not complaining! I swear! It may look like a complaint, but it is not. Because I said it wasn’t. You see how that works? I can negate anything simply by denying it. Also: JOHN LEGEND IS MY FRIEND NOW.
The highlights of our week in Antarctica,
O HO HO! I see what you did there.
…after a severe ice storm coated every road Tuesday and five inches of snow added to the mayhem Friday morning:
MAYHEM! ANARCHY! PEOPLE WERE BEING FROST-RAPED ON THE SHOULDER!
Went to four stores on I-30 between Dallas and Fort Worth looking for a real winter coat on Tuesday and Wednesday. Sold out everywhere.
“I’m sorry, sir. This is Texas. XXXXXXXXXXXXXL is our most popular size.”
From door to door, from my hotel in Dallas to the TCU campus in Fort Worth, the trip was 39 miles. On Friday, the road connecting the two cities, I-30, was what I’d imagine driving on the moon is like. Windswept, blowing snow…
Because the moon is so snowy and windy, what with the total lack of atmosphere.
…just trying to stay on the road by following big vehicles in front of you in low visibility. And a bunch of idiots driving 25 mph too fast for conditions, three of whom spun off into ditches or the median. Luckily, my Chevy was a beast for the conditions, and I’ve spent my life driving in this crap, and I got the job done pretty easily.
Lucky for me, I AM AWESOME.
Seriously though, it was an awful drive that ended up being not that bad. Don’t you see how awful that was?
At one point on Wednesday, it was 17 degrees warmer in Juneau than in Dallas.
And it was 8 degrees warmer in Dachau! Do you not SEE the parallels? TOTAL DEBACLENESS!
On Saturday morning, beginning at about 10 and stretching to Sunday morning at 4:23, fire alarms ravaged the hotel. False ones.
I did that.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Awww, poor baby. What with the free trip and the getting to sit in on the Hall of Fame deliberations and partying with Rex Ryan. Let me just dip my ballbag into a cup of Sleepytime tea to help you feel better.
“I’m watching your Real Sports episode. You’re awesome. That is all.”
–@Alyssa_Milano, actress Alyssa Milano, commenting on my star turn on HBO’s Real Sports.
I told you that girl was wildly overrated.
Jordy Nelson. One of the most valuable Packers on a night full of them. (Though he did have three drops.)
You know who’s valuable? That guy who drops half the balls thrown his way. HE’S AMAZING. Just call him Wis Welker!
I think this is what I didn’t like about the Super Bowl:
a. Dallas bad-weather preparedness. In a nutshell.
Holy fuck, I get it. You’re still alive, aren’t you?
e. Heath Miller. Where was he?
f. I mean, two catches, 12 yards? Miller absolutely should have been more of a factor.
2. Bullet points? How do they work?
iiv. Is this right? I don’t think this is right. DEREK JETER IS ALL CLASS.
I think James Starks has found a future in Green Bay. He’s a hard-running back, tougher than his angular build would suggest.
Angular? Ah. I did not know Peter also wrote for Pitchfork.
I think, from the sound of it, Green Bay may lose receiver James Jones, who is a free agent, if there’s free agency this year. (Which is definitely not a done deal.) If the Packers do lose him, they’ll likely invest in Jordy Nelson long-term. Wise move.
Wis Welker could be a star! Except that he drops balls constantly. Still, a star! Don’t let him get away!
Next two books on my list: Unbroken, by Laura Hillenbrand; The Last Boy, by Jane Leavy. Can’t wait to read both.
BUT HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THE OSCAR FILMS YET?!
Coffeenerdness: The one saving grace to the frigid week in Dallas was having a Peet’s Coffee in the lobby of the Sheraton Dallas. Thank you, coffee gods.
The one saving grace to this horrible, horrible week was having a chain coffee store in my hotel lobby. And partying with John Legend. And getting to hang out in the winner’s locker room. And eating every meal for free. But really, the coffee was the only good thing in this whole TOUR OF DEATH.
Sorry for all you ‘Burghers this morning.
Burgher? Is that a word? Now I’m extra glad they lost.
It would have been a terrible day in either place, Green Bay or Pittsburgh, that lost … but I know Pittsburgh, and I know there is mental black crepe paper all over town.
Indeed. There is mental funeral going on there as we speak, with a mental hearse down right down VOMITOUS MEMORY LANE.
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Thank you for yet another epic PK takedown. You’ve bitched about the weather in Dallas for 2 weeks, PK – did you really have to do it again in your post SB column?
Chrissy Teigen, Rex Ryan, John Legend, in a Dallas apartment, on a Saturday night in February. Only at the Super Bowl.
That’s true because there’s no reason other than the Super Bowl to be caught dead in fucking Dallas.
Honestly, if Dallas isn’t to get in Super Bowl rotation in the future, it shouldn’t be because of the weather (I hope they play a Super Bowl in Wasilla fucking Alaska just to spite these douchenozzle journalists), it should be because Jerry Jones is a greedy opportunist who doesn’t care if your seat is rescinded because he didn’t check with the fire codes and shit. Fuck man, I would love to talk to one of those 6-9,000 people who were jobbed out of a seat and had to end up having their money spent on watching the game in a tent on TV.
/good hate, Drew
//lofty hate
///shows self out
While this column was particularly whiny, I will give Peter props for calling out the shell game the NFL is playing with the 18 game schedule. Of course if you’re paying full price for a ticket you want the game to count. Doesn’t mean you want to ruin the product with 18 games, though.
All that being said, and understanding that this was a freakish storm, it’s hard to fathom for an event that was this ballyhooed, by a region that is dying to get in the regular Super Bowl rotation, that they don’t have many (any?) plows down here, they don’t salt the roads when there’s an ice storm (and there was a doozy Tuesday morning), and their energy grid is ill-equipped to handle the drain on the resources the region faced late in the week.
Christ on a fucking pony, how is that only one sentence, I mean that should be broken up into at least four sentences, and given that you’re supposed to be a professional writer, one with an editor at that, that’s unacceptable, like if there was no coffee in your hotel lobby, but thankfully yours had a Peet’s, so it’s fine and I enjoyed how you talk tough about the 18-game season yet couldn’t be bothered to do so when you actually wrote a feature article about that lying asshole Goodell, and based upon all of the above I’m qualified to do your job.
I can’t get over that “driving on the moon” remark.
What a dumbass.
What a fucking asshole. He deserves to never have a good cup of coffee again in his life.
Just for Peter King, I hope the NFL goes back to Minneapolis and Detroit for the Super Bowl so he can scream his fat mouth off about the weather. What part of once in a lifetime do you not get, King? What are you, Connor Macleod?
I love how PK is JUST NOW able to grant that Aaron Rodgers belongs in the best QB discussion. But he’s not CRAZY, he’s not saying he’s second or third best or anything nutty like that!
Fucking hell, he’ll be calling Brady and Manning #1 and #2 until the fucking day they retire.
Surprised he didn’t include the Black Eyed Peas in the things he liked. Worst halftime show ever. My nine year old daughter liked it, though… because of those people in the lighted suits.
Sky cam shots of “Love” with part of the v not lit was classic. All you need is Lo-e
Looey?
I know this is stating the obvious but JESUS CHRIST he is insufferable.
I’m trying to imagine the person that actually derives enjoyment from reading that column.
@PepeSilva
He probably still has Favre in his top five.
Our long national nightmare begins: no football, just more PK.
I’m shocked I hadn’t heard more about the seating debacle; that was news to me and kudos to King for pointing it out. A lone bright spot in a particularly douchey column this week.
My favorite part was where he claimed that he wasn’t one of the journalists who think weather incidents should play a role in determining where the SB is played. Guuuuuuhhhhhh.
The market to overpay Jones to drop passes for your team is where exactly?
DALLAS WAS COMPLETELY ILL-EQUIPPED FOR THIS STORM!!! Why don’t they have the infrstructure to deal with a storm that happens once a generation? Invest in snowplows Texas. I know the state has an enormous deficit, but you never know when an ice storm will hit 20 years from now and a visitor from the north experienced in snow driving will be mildly inconvenienced. Texas Lawmakers, you are all Goats of a Generation.
THANK YOU for calling him on the Bledsoe bullshit. I knew there was no way that could make it through the patented Hate-Filter. Also, Marvin Harrison? Nothing against him, but even Isaac Bruce seemed tenuous to me, and he’s eminently more qualified than Harrison. Am I missing something here?
“I’m not one to complain about the weather at Super Bowls”
“I’m not one to pat myself on the back for running a half marathon, which I DID!”
“I’m not one to drop names of NFL celebrities who are gracious enough to speak words to me”
“I’m not one for retarded bullet point lists”
“I’m not someone who would criticize the lack of a gift shop at the Anne Frank museum”
“I’m not one to ruin toilets with panicked coffee dumps”
If PK learned to hate you as much as you hate him, he wouldn’t need coffee anymore.
@0tarin you’re forgetting that Peter King is a fucking idiot that can’t be PAID TO DO HIS JOB PROPERLY. Tim Tebow could be the next Ryan Leaf, but that god-fearing schmuck will be guaranteed to be on PK’s ballot when he is eligible exactly 7 years from now.
Ah. I did not know Peter also wrote for Pitchfork.
very nice!
Sorry for all you ‘Burghers this morning.
Just say “yinzer”, you mindless* choad. Quit doing to languages (and as we’ve shown before, more than one language) what Ben allegedly does to underage co-eds in bathrooms.
* See previous PK-post comments for proof.
Also, full agreement that Cris Carter was robbed. Deion Sanders getting in ahead of him — and Bettis, and Martin, and Tim Brown — is a crock of bullshit.
fair enough but i love Alyssa Milano.
Why was PK, who lives in Boston, shopping for a winter coat in Dallas after the last month of people bitching about the freak storm there? He seriously couldn’t pack himself a solid coat?
Also, I like to think this video is playing in PK’s head on constant loop:
[www.youtube.com]
I’m sure Peter King’s buddy in Iraq or wherever the fuck he is would gladly trade places with Peter if he didn’t find the Super Bowl accommodations up to snuff.
What a screaming asshole.
Oh noes! My free, all expense paid trip to watch the Super Bowl is ruined by the weather! Boo fucking hoo!
Oh noes! My honor of selecting the next class of Hall of Famers is too draining! I must have spent 7 1/2 hours in a room eating free food with other writers. How do people do this for their job every day?
Oh noes! I’m not complaining, but I have a bone to pick with that bitch, Mother Nature!
Sports writers, how do they work?
“Wis Welker”. Good, lofty nugget Drew!
Hm. That link sure didn’t work right, although that’s ok. I meant this one:
[www.youtube.com]
2014: Shaun Alexander, Derrick Brooks, Tony Dungy, Marvin Harrison, Rodney Harrison, Mike Holmgren.
2014: Year of the Walrus.
I’m watching your Real Sports episode. You’re awesome. That is all.”
–@Alyssa_Milano, actress Alyssa Milano, commenting on my star turn on HBO’s Real Sports.
I told you that girl was wildly overrated.
Indeed. Her Stock went from Junk to a steamy pile of Enron Dog shit right there.
/Fuck the packers.
“VOODSON! VOODSON, YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME! BLAH! BLAH!”
Bra-VO, sir. Well done.
How dare a city that averages 2 1/2 inches of snowfall per year not field an elite army of snowplows and salt spreaders?
Also, what the fuck, PK?
Among the many things about Texas, one is this: They simply don’t heat their buildings well here.
That might be the worst sentence ever written. There’s just nothing else to say about it.
Go pound yourself Peter king
Great takedown, what a fucking asshole, BOO HOO MY ALL EXPENSES PAID TRIP TO THE SUPER BOWL DIDN’T HAVE PERFECT WEATHER
Lord, what a glorious asshole this person is. Name-dropping, bleating and whining (did he not check the forecast before heading to Dallas and have sense enough to pack a fucking coat?), saying absolutely nothing of substance. How does this jerk have a job?
“Angular? Ah. I did not know Peter also wrote for Pitchfork.”
a. ran into Doug Flutie during Super Bowl week. I bet you only know him from his days with the Bills but I remember seeing him play for the New Jersey Generals, way before he sold out and went to the NFL.
b. no PBR on tap on Cowboys Stadium? this needs to be fixed, Jerry Jones, and soon.
Oh, one more thing. Fuck this racist cracker pile of shit for making Mendenhall the goat for the game. If THE BEN hadn’t thrown two awful picks early in the game, the Steelers probably would’ve won. So there’s your fucking goat, asshole. Not the guy who ran into the line and happened to get a helmet put perfectly on the ball to knock it out. Mendenhall wasn’t doing anything wrong with that carry. But Roethlisberger threw at least one Marmalard-worthy float that Collins had all the time in the world to get under and return for a goddamn TD.
But he just can’t have anything bad to say about the groping honky.
Here’s another version of that Jimmy Johnson quote:
“So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.”
I wonder if Jimmy was still chortling about the Flintstones after Jacksonville crushed his Dolphins by 55 points in the ’99 playoffs. Asshole.
Where can I donate to the Pampered Sportswriters of America Relief Fund?
I apparently wasn’t done: I want this bitch to spend the month of August in Dallas. Outside. He’ll FULLY understand why heating our buildings well is not a priority. He’ll cry. He’ll beg for mercy. He’ll hallucinate a lot and then die.
” Aaron Rodgers tied former Packer Brett Favre for career Super Bowl victories.”
Also tied: Trent Dilfer, Brad Johnson, and Mark Rypien.
when Aaron Rodgers tied former Packer Brett Favre for career Super Bowl victories.
This line has me cracking up. To me, it’s a shot at Brett Favre God of Goderbacks for only managing to win Super Bowl. To PeKing it’s amazing that Aaron Rodgers is almost as good as Brett Favre now but not really.
While my job doesn’t hold the fame or fortune or doucheknobbery of being an SI journalist and Starbucksfucker, I will say that, much like King, I have a job that isn’t work and most people would love to have the opportunity to do. However, I have no doubt that King would die, literally die, within hours if we switched places.
I have this strange thing with blood running out of my ears on Monday mornings for the past several weeks.
I’m beginning to think there’s a correlation.
P.S. Peter King is an insufferable douchebag twat.
Did PK really spend two weeks bitching about the weather then try to say he wasn’t complaining about the weather and then complain about how Dallas still shouldn’t have hosted the Super Bowl because of a freak snowstorm? Fuck PK.
I’m not sure anyone cares, but I just took a gigantic dump and instantly thought of KSK Rex addressing the boys and comparing it to Roethlisberger’s arm except it can throw less INTs and then using the Super Bowl as motivation for the Jets.
God, It’s going to be a long offseason!
Drew, can we have one last one? How’s about a roadie?
The Hall of Fame travesty needs to be explained in greater detail. Why in the hell are Cris Carter, Andre Reed and TIm Brown’s worthiness being debated by a bunch of pussies who probably never put on a jock in their lives. Also if Rodney Harrison gets one vote for the hall that asshole should be kicked in the balls fifty times. What did that piece of shit do to even warrant mention for the HOF? Oh without his blatant low hit on Trent Green in August of 1999 we might have never heard of Kurt Warner. That is his lasting contribution to the sport. FUCK HIM. Put Cris Carter in the hall. What the hell is the matter with you assholes?
I’ve decided Peter King is a big joke, SI’s own Joaquin Phoenix/I’m Still Here. That’s gotta be it right?
@ Hipster PK +10000
@Jude – To be fair, Roethlisberger got his arm hit on the first pick, which directly led to said pick. But at the same time, like you said, Mendenhall didn’t fumble as much as Clay Matthews made one hell of a play to force the fumble. That second pick though? All big dumb QB.
@David B. – Don’t forget Doug Williams.
“I’m watching your Real Sports episode. You’re awesome. That is all.”
–@Alyssa_Milano, actress Alyssa Milano, commenting on my star turn on HBO’s Real Sports.
Please tell me this is a fucking joke. Like, Alyssa tweeted that to PK the same way that in that one Simpsons episode, Homer has a flashback to high school, and the hot girl jokingly tells Homer he’s really cool and Homer believes it, and then as she walks away her hot friend says to her that was really mean. Please please tell me this is like that. GODDAMNIT MUST PETER KING FUCKING RUIN EVERYTHING I LOVE HOW HAS THAT INANE DIPSHIT BEEN REWARDED WITH SUCH AN EMBARASSMENT OF SUCCESS FUFUFUFUFUFUFU.
Whatever. There’s like five different MLB teams whose starting pitching rotations and position players have laid pipe to Alyssa Milano. At this point, her vag probably looks like a catcher’s mitt, so let her enjoy her precious PK while fading into obscurity and trying to bang the Dodgers’ back-up shortstop.
As much as I’d love it if JJ was denied the Super Bowl ever again (and I would: the Jones fellating for the past two weeks from the local media – not just of JJ himself, but the entire Jones family – has been quite awful to behold), I join the masses in asking Peter King:
Really, asshole?
We get snowplow weather once every 20 years; our public schools (in the Dallas area, at least) are a shambles and the state has cut health care, old people care, education funding, basically all state funding to close the large deficit, but we should invest in snowplows on the off chance that Dallas will get more than 2 inches of snow during SUPER BOWL WEEK (I all-capped, because it is just that important). Fucking budget priorities, how do they work?
And they don’t use salt down here because it corrodes the undersides of vehicles and the roads (some of which are not in the best shape anyway). Most of us don’t invest in undercoating on our cars because most of the time, it just isn’t necessary. Plus, there’s only so much salt can do anyway, as demonstrated in Chicago last week. So I have no problem with how the Dallas powers-that-be handled the road conditions.
Also, they’d been predicting the shitstorm for, no joke, at least a week previously. A quick search for “Dallas weather forecast” would have tipped you to lower-than-average temps last week, enabling you to, you know, wear a fucking coat. It’s February. It’s typically pretty cold in February, even in Dallas.
OK, this one got my panties in a twist: (paraphrased, because I’m too lazy to go up and copy it verbatim) ” The fire alarm ravaged the hotel”. How does a fire alarm ravage a hotel? Ravaged means physical destruction in all definitions I’ve seen. I don’t think the hotel itself was damaged by the fire alarm, therefore not ravaged. Maybe it was a half thought out metaphor? Shouldn’t an experienced writer have a better feel for words? That’s piss poor writing, even for a clam like King.
@miamidiesel – So, you’re saying Johnny Bench called Alyssa Milano?
As a quasi-professional writer, I will gladly take PK’s credentials and all-expenses-paid trips to future Super Bowls.
Sorry to hear that your experience, which MILLIONS of people would jump at the chance to have, was so horrible, Peter.
Douchebag.
…Sitting on a luggage cart in a stairwell with Brett Favre at the Fairmont Hotel in New Orleans for 45 minutes, dissecting the 35-21 rout of the Patriots.
Two-possession victories are routs, now.
@ StuScottBooyahs – And apparently sitting = kneeling now.
Now I’m not one of those guys to say Peter King is a whiny, pampered douchetard, but Peter King is a whiny, pampered douchetard.
@Bugg
Miami.
/Drinks heavily
“You ever try using this cart as a sex toy? It CAN be done.”
…anyone else confused as to if that was supposed to be Peter or Brett?
“I’m watching your Real Sports episode. You’re awesome. That is all.”
–@Alyssa_Milano, actress Alyssa Milano, commenting on my star turn on HBO’s Real Sports.
I KNOW TONY DUNGY AND JOHN LEGEND AND ALYSSA MILANO WATCHES ME ON PAY-CABLE TELEVISION.
my guys are up in their rooms, belly-laughing at The Flintstones
Jimmy didn’t see the train run through Pebbles then.
/Shaun Alexander? Mike Holmgren? The Dunge? Three easy no’s
You know why Dallas doesn’t have any snow plows, Petey? Because it’s the fucking SOUTH, you idiot. They get snow maybe twice a decade and it’s a cataclysmic event when they do. An inch of the frozen white stuff and everything shuts down like the apocalypse just happened. An inch! That’s an average Tuesday in the Upper Midwest! (Probably the Northeast, too, but screw them) Busting out the plows for an inch isn’t even really all that worth it, or it wouldn’t be except for imports from the South who see white on the road and suddenly forget how to fucking drive.
SUCK. IT. UP. We deal with this four to five months out of the year. You can handle it for a day.
“VOODSON! VOODSON, YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME! BLAH! BLAH!”
My wife and children are all looking at me, wondering why coffee is shooting out of my nose after reading that one…
1st – Echo to whomever said the kid in Afghanistan would love to be at the SB.
2nd – The very fact PK has to mentally pause re Bledsoe should be enough to revoke his voting priviledges.
3rd – Never forget – he gets $$ to write that drivel.
didn’t jordy have four drops?
Better reason for Dallas to never host another Super Bowl (on top of Jerry Jones screwing people of of seats they paid good money for) is that the field is so f’ing hard that Woodson broke his collar bone laying out for an interception.
The more clothing PK must wear, the better.
I wish I could find a more elegant way to express this, but I can’t. Simply put, Peter King is a fucking asshole.
PK is a such a douchbag. Each week he gets worse.
Tickets to this game were going for $4,000 on StubHub.
PK traveled, stayed, and went to the game for free, hung out with models and Rex Ryan, and toweled off Charles Woodson’s nutpouch FOR HOURS. People would pay a million dollars to do what he did this past week.
Then he bitched hard about the weather on the internet. This is in no way surprising. However, as usual, sextuplefuck this spoiled douchemonster.
/dick joke
My God! I see my breath! And it still has traces of egg nog and Tony Romo’s tongue in it!
Hello, Purchasing? I need a new monitor, please.
“One of the best beat writers of this generation, Vinny DiTrani of the Bergen (N.J.) Record, has covered his last game, and a few of his acolytes (me included) took him out to the Blue Goose, a Mexican place here in Dallas, the other night. When it came time to pay the bill, seems it had disappeared. The Giants picked it up. Class guy, class move.”
King is lamenting because he missed out on ordering two more entrees and having another round of margarita! He thought he was going to be quasi-paying but The Giants intercepted, almost semi-Favrish.
Let’s see…
1. drops names of celebs…check!
2. has easy job, yet complains as if he were mining salt by hand…check!
3. googly-eyed over minor fembot attention…check!
There you have it.
Scientific proof that PK is Regis.
/ locks self in ivory tower
“Went to four stores on I-30 between Dallas and Fort Worth looking for a real winter coat on Tuesday and Wednesday. Sold out everywhere.”
How the fuck can Peter King complain about Dallas not being prepared for the storm (A state that borders Mexico doesn’t have snow plows locked and loaded! How?!) when he didn’t have the fucking foresight to pack a coat?
And seriously, I doubt a man Peter King’s size was cold indoors in Texas. He’s a big boy. Even without a coat, he’s got some protective layers.
RE Fred Smoot’s Jockstrap:
“PK traveled, stayed, and went to the game for free, hung out with models and Rex Ryan, and toweled off Charles Woodson’s nutpouch FOR HOURS. People would pay a million dollars to do what he did this past week.”
Well, I’d skip the nutpouch part, but if I was going for free, I’d consider attending the Super Bowl, Icy Snowmageddon or not.
“I’m sorry, sir. This is Texas. XXXXXXXXXXXXXL is our most popular size.”
KING: Oh so you are two XXs short! Damn!
“MAYHEM! ANARCHY! PEOPLE WERE BEING FROST-RAPED ON THE SHOULDER!”
————that, right there, is why I read KSK. After you wade thru the dick/ball/scrotal/poop references, you find a gem that can be read over and over and over again.
Jim Ross weighing in on journalists bitching about the weather: ” Many pampered, cry babies within the national media screamed like pigs caught under a gate because the weather affected their party time. Boo hoo.
I’d suggest that you folks change diapers and get over it. If you think that the weather was unusually dicey in Texas, wait until you get to Indianapolis for SB46. BTW the event isn’t about the weather, is it? I thought it was about the game but that’s me….just a dumb, Oklahoma redneck, non hip, football fan.”
BAH GAWD! I knew I still loved Good Ol’ JR for a reason.
[www.jrsbarbq.com]
I imagine this conversation between two of the Gods in the sky.
God #1 “I am planning to send an Earth destroying asteroid directly at the Superbowl so I can kill Peter King the obnoxious blowhard.”
God #2 “But you will kill 200000 innocent people.”
God #1 “Yes, but Peter King will be dead.”
God #2 “Yes, yes I see your point.”
big P K , the master of figuratively sucking himself off while observing the obvious. who says men can t multitask? bravo for once again knocking this douche off his pedastal.
#1: Enough with the merrily morose references to the lockout. Specifically, “the last game of football for a loooong time,” etc. Hey fuckheads, it’s already the last game for an incredibly long time. The next real game is scheduled more than seven months from now. It’s not like football is fucking golf or racing or tennis where they basically take a month and a half off for Christmas. Furthermore, even the real Eeyores are only predicting a few missed games at this point, enough for both sides to josh each other’s bottom lines. Wow, holy fuck, games not starting until mid-September!?! Oh wait, that’s when they start anyway because the networks keep pushing the fucking season back.
#2: The NFL needs to ban journalists from covering the teams. Seriously, it needs to start revoking Superbowl credentials to journos who bitch about the weather. Yes, we realize sometimes it’s cold in the winter. We don’t give a fuck about how this upsets your merrymaking schedule. Do you cunts even read your own columns? YOU’RE SUGGESTING THAT THE SUPERBOWL SHOULD NOT BE PLAYED IN TEXAS AGAIN BECAUSE IT’S TOO COLD THERE.
It was my dream that King had met Staff Sgt. Salvatore Giunta, the cat honoured for winning the Medal of Honour in Afghanistan. King would have complained about the weather and how much he had been put out by some minor things and Giunta would have nodded, noted how finding good coffee can be a pain in the ass, and then laying the mother of all fucking beatings on King.
@Slash You wouldn’t towel off Charles Woodson’s nutpouch at least until it was dry to hang out in the Super Bowl winners’ locker room after the game? I think I would.
@Fred Smoot’s Jockstrap: I would.
Don’t you see. Your hate only makes him stronger. The more of these take downs you write, the more he appears on my television.
The thought of seeing this egg nog latte drinking, athlete fellating, bourgeois hypocrite fuckstick in 3D truly terrifies me.
Less Peter King may be the only upside to a lock out.
Great Season KSK. That was some good hustle. Please slap yourself on the ass (hard).
A little late, but did someone actually say that Isaac Bruce has a better HoF case than Marvin Harrison? Isaac Bruce of the one-time All-Pro 2nd team?
Your PK bashing priveleges have been revoked.
RE Fred Smoot’s Jockstrap:
“@Slash You wouldn’t towel off Charles Woodson’s nutpouch at least until it was dry to hang out in the Super Bowl winners’ locker room after the game? I think I would.”
It’s all yours, man. Should the opportunity present itself.
I wish Peter King were nearby. But I AM Peter King! Isn’t that just a bitch?
So fucking good. Just…just…so spot on self indulgently true.
I was down in Texas for the Super Bowl. It wasn’t that bad. Yeah, there was some ice. Yeah, it was cold. But it wasn’t very windy, the snow fell during the night, and it sure as shit wasn’t 5 inches in Arlington.
PK, just because you tell your wife it is 5 inches, that doesn’t make it so.
Please play every future Super Bowl in Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and Buffalo, where there are no domes. Thank you.
I have this strange thing with blood running out of my ears on Monday mornings for the past several weeks.
I’m beginning to think there’s a correlation.
Give your ear-holes a treat and listen to PK on Sirius NFL radio tomorrow morning. PK used to make me want to stomp kittens but these takedowns have changed my attitude toward Coffeebitch. Now I laugh my ass of at his strange vocalizations.
Fucking hell, my komment sounds like a pitch. Sorry.
/slams junk in car door
*reads like a pitch.
/sounds in head only
@Vanderjagt’s Whisky of Choice; so it wasn’t moonie scapey?
I live in Dallas. During the ice/snow storm, I stayed home from work all week, drank beer and praised god for trying to freeze PK to death. Also, the Blue Goose is a fucking shit hole. Glad he didn’t go to a place I actually liked and ruin it forever.
@deadlydeadlyhawk; That’s Rod Stewart and Rachel Hunter; she used to be hot and he ruined her just ’cause she let him touch, with PK IN your restaurant, it would fuccking ruin, then it would have to be burned to the ground. Jusayin.
PK’s full column is 90 times longer than the nuggets (wink, wink) that you show here. And just reading these makes me so effing bored I WANT TO DIE. Most days I can laugh. Today, I am only full of hate. Thank you, Drew. I’d have lost the will to carry on long ago – much like PK in light flurries.
And it was 8 degrees warmer in Dachau! Do you not SEE the parallels?
It’s true! The weather has been gorgeous lately.
/lives in Munich
//missing the point
Jesus an entire post could have been written on that CNN article…
a. Did PK really just suggest checking for “activity information at the city airport”
%. NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THE SECRET TRAIN FROM FW TO DALLAS!
3.4 think. just try for a moment to WRAP YOUR BRAIN AROUND THE BIGNESS OF THE SCREEN.
()+ “My personal favorite thing to do in Dallas is tour the Texas School Book Depository” IT BREATHES LOFTY HISTORY.
/ready to read the rest now.
@moose
well he would’ve at least ruined the toilets.
DOES ANYONE HAVE A VHS TAPE OF THE REAL SPORTS SEGMENT ON PETER KING? WILL PAY TOP $$$.
Burgher is most certainly not accepted vernacular for those who hail from Pittsburgh.
Hey PK and No-Seat Whiners: Fuck you.
I was fortunate enough to still have my seat, albeit one of the temporary pieces of shit on metal scaffolding, so far up under the overhanging section above that the 3/4 of the stadium was not visible, including all of the jumbotron and the endzone at the opposite end of the field. And since no one is ever sitting up next to these girders and pipes, there is no clock, no score board, and no speakers. No one up there had any idea what the fucking yardage was or how much time was left or what the refs were saying. We didn’t get our balls rubbed by the NFL with free shit and field access and tickets for next year. We just had to take it up the ass and like it, all for the low price of $900 a shitty seat. Who gives a fuck about some snow and ice. Fuck you. Fuck everything.
/dick joke
Photos of said shitty area can be seen via Xmas Ape’s twitter. Imagine our surprise when our supposed awesome 200 level endzone seats turn out to be taking a girder up the fucking ass. WHO IS GOING TO TELL OUR STORY!? At least I got to see Ron Perlman and Timothy Olyphant at the NFL Tailgate. That kinda owned.
Can someone explain to me why he blames Mendenhall for the loss when Rapelisberger threw TWO picks, vs 1 fumble, with one of those going all the way back for a TD?
It’s because he’s racist, isn’t it?
We don’t pour salt on the roads down here because it eats the shit out of concrete and the steel reinforcement inside it. We don’t have snow plows because we get ICE storms here, not snowstorms. And the shit usually melts away after a day or so anyway because its usually in the 40′s in the winter months.
And we “don’t heat our buildings” sufficiently enough for your walrus carcass?!? That’s right, because it’s close to 100 degrees for 90 days out of the year, every year– so we make sure that we air condition the fuck out of our buildings and put then wear a fucking coat on for the 7 days every 20 years that it gets below 20. We service our power grid in the winter months because our usage is typically down in the winter compared to summer months. And what is he bitching about exactly? We had 6 rolling blackouts last Wed in my neighborhood so Jerry and the NFL wouldn’t experience ONE at the Deathstar. He travels, lodges and eats for free… STFU. I feel sorry for local businesses who lost money because of the storms and true fans who traveled here and didn’t get into a game THEY HAD TICKETS FOR. Fuck Jerry Jones and FUCK PK. I don’t give a shit if the game ever comes back here.
What a drooling piece of donkey shit. Amazing how he manages to break every basic rule of journalism whenever he turns on a computer. Hunter Thompson should have gutted PK like a freshly boated tuna, but first a few shots with the fish bat, just for good measure.