When we last left Jimmy Johnson’s teacup Yorkie Peter King, he was defending himself against calls that the Hall of Fame election committee is too white. Don’t you see, America? The committee is only white because the MEDIA is white. And we all know there’s nothing we can do about that! What are you gonna do, hire one of those people from Media Takeout to vote for the Hall? THOSE PEOPLE ARE MONSTERS.
MTO Commenter 12:55PM
Fukk u u gon kall me a bytch u da bytch O AN PK UGLY LMFAO!!!111!!!!!!
So what about this week? Did you know there are flamboyant gay people roaming the streets of San Francisco? Name five things the South End needs more than a Peet’s franchise. You can’t. Is the Hall of Fame too secretive? Well, that’s valid… to a point. It’s semi-valid. 40% semi-valid, but a LEGIT 40%. Anyway, it’s time for your Fun with Peter King year in review. Basically, Peter ran a clip show of old columns this week. But they’re totally worth checking out again because they were so awesome the first time. Think about this clip show, people. IMAGINE. RUMINATE. MAKE IT YOUR OWN. READ ON.
It’s been an odd week. I’ve been bronchially ill for much of it.
Oh no, not bronchially ill! That’s the worst bronchial thing to be! Much better to be bronchially inquisitive. Or bronchially rapacious.
My year in review is coming. But first a few words on Dave Duerson. The former Bears’ All-Pro starting safety shot himself in the chest Thursday after texting family members to be sure, after death, that his brain was harvested and analyzed for the kind of degenerative brain condition that has been found to be increasingly common in some former football players.
That was a terribly sad story. RIP Duerson.
It’s hard to transition from that to a breezy look at the season just concluded, so I won’t try. Here goes.
Things I don’t look bad for writing
Man, that Duerson story sure was a downer. In other news, HERE’S SOME SHIT I GOT RIGHT WHEN I WROTE IT! SUCK ON IT HARD, NEW ORLEANS SKYCAP! Know whose brain still is still 100% bronchially functional? PETER TO THE KING, BITCH.
Anyway, take a look at all the awesome points I made!
On April 5, after the Eagles dealt Donovan McNabb to Washington: I like the trade for both teams.
Totally correct prediction! Except for half of it!
What happened: I got it half-right.
But half-right is right enough when you’re me! For you see, Peter King is not unlike a bank. He fucks up so often that he often inspires a pleasant reaction merely by not fucking up entirely! Life is sweet when the world has obscenely low expectations for you. This McNabb deal? Shades of Elway….
On July 26, pre-training camp: I have no information for you, other than I, like all of you, think Brett Favre’s going to show up in time to play the third preseason game.
BOOM! Another flawless prediction. Granted, everyone else predicted the same thing, but I’ll still take it! You know, I’ve got a funny feeling this Aaron Rodgers kid will be with the Packers for a long, long time. BOOK IT.
On Aug. 23: I’d put the odds at the owners locking players out of team facilities on March 1, 2011, or thereabouts, at 80 percent.
What happened: I still would.
I’m extremely proud of this prediction, because it hasn’t had time to be proven correct yet! So it’s still in play!
Things I wish I had back:
1. That sixth Kit Kat
2. The Winter Pils I ordered at Houston’s last week. Terrible beer. Not even close to tasting like a Peroni, which is my measuring stick for all beer.
g. Not saying anything to the catwoman in Row 5 of my Air Trans flight. Who’s the pussy now, Peter?
Xvii. Not being more horse conscious.
%: Those pants Steve Young barfed all over sixteen years ago. Those were my lucky pleated Dockers. You don’t come across a pair of pants like that very often. I never should have gotten him those extra Ring Dings. But that’s what a dogged reporter does for his story.
3f. Not coming around on the 3-point shot sooner. I get it now!
On July 26: Ran into Larry King at Nate and Al’s deli in Beverly Hills. That’s his breakfast haunt.
“Haunt” is just such an appropriate word there.
“Who’s your surprise team of the season?” he asked me. I said, “Carolina.”
LARRY: And who do you see them going against in the playoffs?
PETER: The Marlins.
Now for a MMQB timeline of the season
June 14th: Hey, I’m at the World Cup! A small African child bartender just let me keep my pintglass! YOU TALK ABOUT WELCOMING!
June 15th: Hey get that ref from Chad off the pitch! THAT COUNTRY IS TOO SMALL AND AFRICAN TO BE LEGIT!
July 26th: I’m disgusted by Dez Bryant being forced to pay $55,000 for a rookie dinner. In other news, the velvet footstool they brought my wife at Per Se last week was an extraordinary gesture. And they let her keep it! For $600 for two at dinner, they should have.
July 27th: The Acela train! It left without me! First they give me coffee-flavored, water-flavored water, and now they leave South Station in a timely manner! WHAT THE FUCK.
August 3rd: Tell me if you like this roto trade: Albert Pujols AND Roy Halladay, for Derek Jeter, Mark Wohlers, and a crisp Blue Moon lager with a wedge of orange in the bottle. I know! It sounds crazy! But I love Jeter’s hustle, and a Blue Moon paired with lettuce wraps hits the spot.
August 12th: I like Carson Palmer. I know Carson Palmer. I see Carson Palmer. I six the sandbox. I seven the sandbox. I eight the sandbox. I ATE THE SANDBOX?!
/Sesame Street’d
August 17th: Great nugget from Adam Schefter: The Broncos like Tim Tebow A LOT.
August 23rd: TEASE ALERT: I’ll tell you what nugget Adam Schefter might have in store for us this week!
September 1st: Still scared of the Rays.
September 4th: Whoa, naked guy in the Wrigley bathroom!
September 7th: Think it’s funny that Antonio Cromartie can’t name his kids? Well, I think it’s just sad, and I bet Paul Krugman agrees with me. Shame on you all.
September 13th: You can’t order chili at Chili’s? IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE?!
September 17th: Tenacity, Brett Favre. You have it!
September 18th: Max Hall really showed me something with that goal line fumble right there. Shade of Warner.
September 24th: I think Donta Stallworth is ready to contribute to the Ravens. After all, he told me he only had three beers the night he killed that one guy with his Bentley. Odd that his BAC completely contradicts that claim. But that’s sports for you. Always such a gray area.
October 6th: Think the Pats traded Randy Moss because of a fight with Bill Belichick. TOTAL LIE, I’ve been told by a Patriots official, who assures me the fight never happened, and that Robert Kraft once revived an AIDS baby to full health merely by kissing its forehead.
October 8th: You want someone to talk about the human race with? You talk with Ernie Accorsi.
October 14th: Think you have to travel a lot for your job? Bob Papa just flew to three cities in one week and took a bus to Scranton! I’m starting to think he’s the star of “Multiplicity 2: Papa in the ‘City”!
October 19th: Holy crap, did you know they still buried people at Arlington National Cemetary? Remind me to go back to the Anne Frank House to see if there are still some Jews under the floorboards! NOW THAT WOULD HAVE MADE IT AN EXHIBIT.
October 24th: You know, the City of United (Airlines) Bears could be a playoff team if Jay Cutler just doesn’t throw picks! And if he doesn’t gash out during a playoff game. But I can’t imagine that ever happening. Tough kid. Raised right.
November 1st: When you consider the season Tom Brady is having, and that he’s doing it bicoastally by flying in a private jet every other weekend to go fuck his supermodel wife, you have to be in awe.
November 11th: What would we ever do without recycling? Or hair nets, for that matter?
November 17th: Call me nuts, but I still say Willie Colon is exactly the 48th best player in the NFL.
November 18th: Bad coaching, bad special teams, and mindless turnovers aside, you don’t want to play the Chargers in Wichita.
November 28th: Bob Ryan to me: “Lions? More like lyin’ down!” Gotta love him.
November 34th: There is NO best team in this league! Except for New England. But name me five #1 teams after that. You can’t.
December 2nd: Matt Ryan! YOU’RE OF AGE.
December 10th: Do you people not understand that Peyton Manning has NOTHING to work with right now, expect for Pierre Garcon and Reggie Wayne, who are both above average wideouts any other team would like to have? The man is STARVING.
December 17th: Now here is something I didn’t know about tailgating: sometimes people call a game called “Beer pong”: where a ping pong ball is thrown into a beer cup and you have to drink it. The iPad Generation, I suppose. Glad this game was invented well after my kid went to Colgate! She only played Beirut, which I’m told was some sort of tea party simulation.
December 23rd: Rams in first? NO THAT’S NOT A MISPRINT.
December 27th: Back on the Acela, ooh/ahhing my way home to Fall Foliageville. I am more than alive. I’m PETERLIVE.
December 29th: Another great night in the NBC viewing room with my guys Rodney and Tony. As in Harrison and Dungy? As in NFL legends? As in, there’s free Ferrero Rocher in the viewing room too? TELL ME I EARNED IT.
December 30th: How can you be out of eggnog, Cumberland Farms?
February 7th: Packers are champs of the sleety Dallas moonscape! Now let me explain to you just how much warmer it was in Vancouver today. AND TO THINK A SUPER BOWL WILL BE PLAYED IN NEW JERSEY. IT IS CRIMINAL. The GALL of these people.
Factoids of the Year That May Interest Only Me
-Here’s a great Barb Billingsley quote: “Oh, Beav.”
-Sean Taylor? Still a flop in my book. A good safety would have intercepted that bullet.
-Nice airport you got there, Indy. Nice people, too. Earthy.
-You haven’t seen clean streets until you’ve seen the streets of Boston. Or at least, the four-square-block, gentrified area of Boston that I keep to. It’s cleaner than Singapore.
-Chris Canty! You’re a man! WITH A PENIS AND EVERYTHING!
-Did you know many NFL coaches also like to read about military history? I would not have guessed.
-I’ll tell you what makes Tom Dimitroff different from other NFL GMs. That mean watches CNN. Find me another football guy with that kind of thirst for knowledge.
-The amazing thing about soccer is how often goalies have to use their shoulders and ribs.
-Geez, didn’t it seem like 2010 was a busy time for death?
-Take away the passes he drops and I smell greatness on Jordy Nelson.
-I saw a man jogging with a latte in his hand the other day. What a country.
-49ers Interim head coach Jim Tomsula keeps his spoon in his soup. Good for him. Because that looks like a fine minestrone.
-To: De Smith
From: Me, representing everyone in the football world.
Re: The lockout
De, Jerry Richardson said he saw Roger Goodell do 500 pushups in three minutes yesterday. That’s the kind of adversary you have at the negotiating table this spring. THINK ABOUT IT. If you want a deal, you better dial up Pittsburgh Phil’s phone and have him pray to his Art Rooney corpse wallpaper. Sportswriter of the Year award: WON.
NOTE: Read Craggs’s King piece today.
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Name what the five fingers said to the face. You can’t.
/Shows self out
Pippen’s block against Bieber was about as amazing as Sonya Ruby’s 1994 block against Pippen. Nobody was better off and we all felt dirty.
Wait, wasn’t Bieber born in 1994?
@Potzy;
“Justin Bieber played his heart out” I admit that is some good trollin’ but I just don’t think it will work.
DISCUSS!!
This is a man’s game, not for lightweight’s who do not like to drink. This is a game played with ten cups, three beers, no re-racks, no exceptions! This is not to be played with six cups. Drink before you shoot!! Don’t be standin’ there holdin’ your cup like a baby-back bitch. Hand- offs are mandatory- let your teammate get on fire if he sinks his shot. Leave the bounces at home as well, none of that shit in this game. Using three balls is encouraged and a team must sink all three to receive roll-backs. (Two cups are accepted but only if three are not available) This is not a sex game, it is a drinking game; therefore, no fingering or blowing is allowed. Two shots made in the same cup at anytime is indeed game over. Six cups with two beers are used in as many overtimes as are needed to complete the game.
In conclusion, this game is NOT BEER PONG!! This is not a game played with paddles or two cups on either side as the real beer pong is.
I had to look to look the official RUIT rules up.
I thought Peter King’s daughter only had one cup and she shared it with her friend……
I know this is a football column, but that Justin Bieber played his heart out and deserved the MVP. If they were playing in Wichita he would have had the Triple Crown. A regular Derek Jeter!
“And the Jambonnes de Bayonne of southern France and Basque country are better than the hams of Italy and Spain put together”
Never tried them, I’ll pick up some lonchas in the coming days.
Not to be too picky, but the Basque country (Euskal Autonomia Erkidegoa) is still Spain (unless of course you mean mean what some in the Basque region claim to be part of the Basque region, located in southern France).
That said, how come you didn’t put San Sebastian on your “bet you can’t name five cities…” list? That place is littered with awesomeness and Michelin stars.
“sometimes people call a game called “Beer pong”: where a ping pong ball is thrown into a beer cup and you have to drink it [I’m} Glad this game was invented well after my kid went to Colgate! She only played Beirut, which I’m told was some sort of tea party simulation.”
Something tells me Peter King’s daughter has never felt herself caught in a massive “RUIT!” chant, but great reference right there.
You haven’t seen clean streets until you’ve seen the streets of Boston. Or at least, the four-square-block, gentrified area of Boston that I keep to. It’s cleaner than Singapore.
/laughs
“Name five better Jamones de Bellota than 5J Sanchez Romero Carvajal. You can’t.”
Nope. Really can’t.
And the Jambonnes de Bayonne of southern France and Basque country are better than the hams of Italy and Spain put together
Serious(ish) question: Does PK know that he is nothing but a mouthpiece for Goodell/the owners, or does he truly believe that he is an actual journalist, feverishly working to dig up his tasty nuggets? I mean, it would be one thing if PK acknowledged, to himself in the very least, “Hey, I know I’m being used by the ownership, but that’s the cost of gaining access”; it’s another issue entirely if he truly believes that he is some sort of neutral reporter who gets his scoops through diligent and exhaustive research and working of sources. The former makes him a hackish puppet, the latter makes him a retarded, hackish puppet.
What Can We Do to Help Them? This afternoon I read the news via the internet. I was Surprised by the news That ‘there is, an earthquake Happens again on this earth. 6.3 earthquake with the strength ritcher Destroyed scale has most of the city in New Zealand. I cans not do much, We all cans only pray for all the quick passes and They get the help and assistance Immediately. hopefully the Victims to be patient.
I attach news of the earthquake today, the which I quote from the CNN media. http://healthylifeandfitness.com/?p=1046
… “kids who have had more brain trauma than the human brain was meant to have.”
I remember those halcyon days when athletes used to limit their brain trauma to only the amount of brain trauma that the brain was meant to have. Sigh, those were the days.
“one of the world’s foremost experts on repetitive brain trauma — and a major Packers fan too, judging from the Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre bobbleheads on a shelf next to her desk –”
Bobbleheads and experts on repetitive brain trauma, together at last.
“….warning that suspensions were the next step on the disciplinary ladder if such blows continued..”
You’ve been warned Dirty Sanchez.
And lastly,
“What would she say if she could speak to Patriots safety Brandon Meriweather … or Steelers linebacker James Harrison … ?
‘I wouldn’t say anything,’ she answered. ‘I’d just show them these slides.’”
Or, you know, show them the bobbleheads on her desk. They’re really about equally instructive.
@ Gunner’s Mate
Name five better Jamones de Bellota than 5J Sanchez Romero Carvajal. You can’t.
[As an American citizen but a Spanish resident, I troll Spaniards by suggesting prosciutto is by far better. They have fits.]
Name five better rotund Prognoticators of Football Non-Events. YOU CAN’T
Name five better spices to put in Lasagna than nutmeg. You can’t.
The news that Sesame Street is still running that “I eight the sandbox” gag makes me very happy.
That Craggs piece is fantastic for a number of reasons, but “Commissioner Fredo” might be the best one of all.
Name five memes being driven into the ground faster. You can’t.
Name five team’s fans easier to parody for Drew Magary than Patriots fans. You can’t.
“Name five better cities in the world than San Francisco. You can’t.”
Non-Western Edition
Guh: Hong Kong
Goh: Singapore
Gih: Tokyo
Goh: Seoul
Gah: Kuala Lumpur
“Name five better cities in the world than San Francisco. You can’t.”
Blarp: Vienna
Blerp: Florence
Blirp: Barcelona
Blorp: Buenos Aires
Blurp: Copenhagen
Name five better salt-cured, dry-aged Mediterranean hams than Jamon Iberico de Bellota. You can’t.
@Chili Verde; please don’t: because if YOU go into Chili’s, then they will have Chili.
It’s only been 2 weeks and I want to leap off a tall building.
Wow, that was pretty epic. My favorite PK in a while. Drew is a man among men
Wait…woah…Craggs is blindly pro-union in all things? I figured him as an open minded feller with no partisan goals in his pretty head. I mean, after the “human dog fighting” thing I assumed he was just a super moral, upstanding guy who would never argue in favor of any man being put in such a situation that threatened his health so. However, now that he seems to have subsumed that with his goal that a union come out on top? Well, that’s just a revelation. And to think. At one time, we could always count on Tommy Craggs to disapprove.
He’s right about Chili’s. Why don’t they serve chili?
“Multiplicity 2: Papa in the ‘City”! Where do I sign up?
Well, we all know that the only thing worse than being bronchially inquisitive is to be anally ill.
King Phillip of Macedonia, he raised an arrogant little shit.
Name 5 Kings stupider than Peter and Larry. You can’t.
Name 5 more overpaid multi-platform talentless sports media whores other than Peter King. Bill Simmons….and uh..Bill Simmons. You can’t.
I was black-out drunk on November 34th
Oh, you’ve got to get drunk during that lousy Smarch weather.
@Buttkiss Dick
I’m 51% certain that I’d vote for it.
This makes you:
1. Certainish
Two. Certainesque
III. Quasi-Certain
~ Semi-Certain
! Non-White Certain
b. Certain (Other)
Choose. But choose wisely. For as True Certain will give you life, False Certain will take it from you.
I believe that would be ‘gauntlet lain.’
Not that it matters.
WE’RE GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH A LOCK OUT.
I live in Connecticut (which is in a semi-quasi-Jerseyesque geographical region) and we got snow last night. And the NFL wants to play the Super Bowl in Jersey in 2014? Madness!!! Name five days of the year when it doesn’t snow in Jersey. You can’t.
@BDD: I think you meant to say …”because the MEDIA are white.” And PK just might be the whitest man ever to impersonate a member of the media.
What happened: I got it half-right.
everyone knows that 50% right rounds up to 100% right
@Butt Kiss Dick
But it’s a LEGIT 51%
Also “Name five dead safeties more overrated than Sean Taylor, YOU CAN’T” — PK
Name five things better than an ice cold Peroni poured from the bottom up. You just can’t.
This is a hall of fame entry in the FJM hall of fame, as far as I’m concerned. I’m 51% certain that I’d vote for it.
Name five human beings PK would rather fellate than Roger Goodell. You can’t.
Name five things more egregiously mailed in than this Year In Review. You can’t.
I was black-out drunk on November 34th
He had an entire week. 7 days. Had it not been for a sad suicide (unlike Heath Ledger’s hilarious suicide), Shamu would have had nothing today but his cliptard show. That is some rapacious gall.
I deeply truly wish I could be Peter’s latte fluffer, or craft brew bitch.
I love the % symbol as a bullet point …
That timeline reads just like a real PK timeline, except it’s intentionally funny. Which is how you know it wasn’t penned (or is that “scribed”?) by PK.
This was a veritable juggernaut of nougaty nutty nuggets.
Nugget after nugget after nugget. Chunk after chunk after chunk. Hunk after hunk after hunk.
These chunky hunky nuggets, you can’t name five things that are any better, not even a double date with Mike Florio and Roger Goodswell.
@Gunner’s Mate: That’s my favorite so far.
It’s hard to transition from that to a breezy look at the season just concluded, so I won’t try. Here goes. Read in the voice of that fat kid from ‘Bad Santa’, “how could I be dropped on my own head?” Are you fucking with me, PK?
Name five reasons why we shouldn’t kick PK in the nuts for this clip-show column. You can’t.
Nothing says breezy transitional sentence than going from a tragic suicide to ultimately the ramblings of a senile babbling coot like Larry King. It’s a wonder the collision of the douchetard Kings did not cause a black hole to collapse the universe. The Mayan calendar and Book of Revelations both mention this very event portending the doom of us all.
Fearless 2011 prediction-Peter King will bitch about bad coffee, blabby folks on trains and airplanes and cold weather.
Name five better vectors of knowledge distribution than the nugget. You can’t.
The combination of this and Craggs’ post has me giddy.
I was worrying about waiting for this all day, and then BAM! Holy shit, Drew, this is your Citizen Kane.
Name five beers better than Peroni Moon. You can’t.
February 1: The players, which congregating near the Metroplex, having been answering reporter questions became tired asked me to retrieve Gatorade Step 3 replenishing nutrients and I obliging, that were in a great mood in consideration of their exhaustion.
Name five memes better than the ‘name five things better than…’ meme. You cun’t.
I am more than alive. I’m PETERLIVE.
Wasn’t that the title of a Frampton double album?
“On July 26: Ran into Larry King at Nate and Al’s deli in Beverly Hills. That’s his breakfast haunt.”
This can’t be serious.
I simply refuse to believe a conscious human being wrote those sentences in sincerity.
You can’t even parody that.
…
/bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztt
GAUNTLET LAID!!!!
I know some guys jerk it into a sweatsock, but a gauntlet? A heavy, metal glove? That’s got to chafe something fierce.
Holy shit, October 19th put me over the top. That was magnificent.
And people complain that cops and teachers are overpaid.
At least they have to occasionally showup and deal with some things.
This guy just types whatever the shit comes to mind and gets paid ill money.
What a country !
You all thought you had a meme. Well I have two words for you: GAUNTLET LAID!!!!
-Drew
On Ocobter 30, I predicted that during the first Sunday of November, the clocks would turn back for an hour. I WAS RITE and I got an extra hour of anal from Mrs. PK/my labrador.
Between Craggs and Drew…PK needs to retire his “pen” (actually a half-eaten orange-yellow RoseArt crayon) and just serve as BrittFarr and Herr Roger’s fluff boy full-time…
His is the only column I read at SI to find the fuck-ups…and it should be like fulltime work…
@Balls of Steel
Yeah, that Craggs piece was fantastic. I get two King takedowns in one Monday? This is the best President’s Day ever!
“It’s hard to transition from that to a breezy look at the season just concluded, so I won’t try. Here goes”.
Wait, you said you were…but then you…(sigh)
Bravo Drew. PK mails it in (moreso than usual, I mean), but you give a full effort. On a holiday no less!
Name 5 awesome days during the NFL season better than November 34th. You can’t.
“Sean Taylor? Still a flop in my book. A good safety would have intercepted that bullet.”
Cold.
Name four guys who will live to see their 46th straight Superbowl. You can’t!
Sean Taylor? Still a flop in my book. A good safety would have intercepted that bullet.
Jeez Drew, that’s just wrong…. and awesome.
Name five illnesses worse than bronchial illness. You can’t.
Bad form Chris Henry.
Craggs’ piece was awesome. I still do not understand how PK is a “respected football writer”. Someone needs to fish him out of Goodell’s asshole…