I know, I know: the mailbag is an hour or maybe 90 minutes later than usual. That’s like four weeks in Internet time! You totally had to go read a different blog for a little while instead of working!

I feel very bad about this, of course. As recompense, I offer you a picture of Christina Aguilera when she had her fastball:

That was taken in 2003. I don’t know what YOU were doing in 2003, but when I wasn’t invading Iraq I spent most of my time whacking off to the video for “Dirrty.” Good times.

Greetings Friends!
Fantasy Football: I finished my first year in a league that has been in existence for a few years. It’s a standard twelve team auction league. I want to gauge the interest of the other members to see if we might be willing to try making it a keeper league. What would be the best way of approaching this? I don’t want to overstep my boundaries since I am the new guy, but I think it would be a good change worth trying.

“Hey guys, would anyone else be interested in making this a keeper league?”

There are far too many different wrinkles and variations a keeper league can have to go into detail here, but I think there are two key components in transitioning from a non-keeper league to keeper league: (1) give plenty of notice, and (2) ease into it. Don’t try to launch into a complex league with four keepers from the rosters you finished the season with. The other owners should enter the 2011 fantasy draft with the knowledge of the rules that will be implemented for a 2012 keeper league. In one of my leagues, we did this by allowing only two keepers: one from rounds 2-8, and one from rounds 9-15 (with you losing the your pick in the round of your keeper’s selection). I enjoyed it because we maintained the excitement of having the best players available in the first round, while the later rounds were more fun as we looked to draft sleepers.

Sex: This situation might be difficult to describe, but I will try to keep it brief without missing any important details. I recently started dating this girl. Everything is going great so far. I am really into her and I am fairly confident the feeling is mutual. The only problem is I still have feelings for an ex. We had a mutual breakup a few years back, but we still had the occasional drunken hookups (until I started dating my current girlfriend), and I know she still cares for me. However, she doesn’t want to start another relationship with me right now. My friends tell me I need to move on, and they all seem to be very supportive of my girlfriend. I know they are probably right about moving on, but it doesn’t make it any easier. The girl I am dating is a really awesome person and I don’t want to put her through a drama-filled relationship. However (and I fully admit how selfish this will sound), I don’t want to break up with her and try to start something again with my ex because I know that likely won’t get anywhere and then I will be left with nothing. My ex and I are pretty good friends, as we were before we dated. Shutting her out of my life completely is not an option I want to pursue. Keeping contact with her at a minimum has done little to subdue the feelings we have for each other. What else can I do to get closure with my ex?
Thanks,
AT-5000

Jesus. Choose one: break off contact with the ex so that you can get over her, or don’t date anyone else so you can let your feelings for your ex continue to fester. It’s as simple as that. You cannot have your motherfucking cake and eat it, too.

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Pros of Pipe-laying
Football first: I got talked into a keeper league, standard ESPN scoring you keep 2 and give up the round you drafted him in. I picked up Mike Williams (TB) on the waiver wire (So he’s free), but I drafted Jamaal Charles in the 3rd round, and Ahmad Bradshaw in the 7th. Whaddya think?

I’d keep Charles and Bradshaw, or possibly Charles and Williams. A free player is pretty great, but you’re not going to get much better value in the 7th round than Bradshaw.

Sex next: I’m a 22 year old, I see couples that are my age, putting rings on things, and babies coming because of that standard. (Poor Sentence Structure trademarked by Peter King)

Am I ridiculously wrong for putting off that serious dating thing for, ya know, five years? (I’m a single 22 year-old for what it’s worth.)
-22 Peenus.

Okay. Sit down. Listen to me and ignore everybody else, because every time this subject comes up, every jackass under the sun insists that you should do what they did — unless they are now divorced, in which case they will tell you to do the opposite of what they did.

Some people meet the love of their lives at 16 and get married at 22 and have two kids and a mortgage by age 25. Some people get drunk and fuck anything with legs throughout their 20s. Some people continue this practice into their 30s. Each of these choices has its benefits. I, personally, have enjoyed my long stretch of single adulthood, because it’s allowed me greater freedom to do whatever the hell I want with fewer consequences — and that includes everything from from getting loaded in Las Vegas and throwing money at casinos and strippers to moving to New York City and blowing through all my adult savings chasing a writing career. In contrast, my parents were married at age 22 and 19. Some people might find that idiotically young, but their children were grown and out of the house before either one of them turned 45. Fucking A! Only 45 years old and done with raising kids. That sounds awesome.

My advice to you is this: just live your life as it comes to you. Don’t worry about not dating anyone seriously for X years or being married by Y age. Don’t worry about what age your friends are getting married (but definitely go to the weddings and screw bridesmaids). Date who you want for how long you want, whether it’s four years or 45 minutes. Sometime throughout your adventures, you’ll start dating someone really great, and you’ll come to the realization most of us eventually face: “Holy shit, this person fucking gets me. Being with him/her is better than being with anyone else I could possibly get, so I better lock this down.” Don’t sweat the age it happens at.

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KSK Playa:
I’ve played in my 10-12 person fantasy football league for 7 years now. In that time, I’ve been to the Super Bowl 5 times, winning 3 of them.

You did not go to the Super Bowl. You went to your fantasy football league’s championship. Here’s how to tell the difference between the two: people give a shit about the Super Bowl.

I’m the most dominant player in the league and I want my team name next year to reflect this dominance in the most obnoxious way possible. My question: is the name “How my ass taste, bitches?” too much?

No, it’s not too much. It’s not clever or funny, either, but you didn’t ask my opinion on that, so I’ll just stick with “it’s not too much.”

As for sex, my wife of 12 years and I are pretty kinky. One of the things we like to do is have her dress up as a tranny hooker. I drop her off on the corner, drive around the block, and then pick her up. I give her a couple hundred bucks and we role play her fucking my brains out as a tranny (she uses a dildo and even speaks in a lower voice, which is awesome). Obviously, we need to use a bit of lube for this, but lately I’d like her to try using her mouth to lube me up. What’s the best way to bring this up?
-Assman

I’m guessing you thought of your fake question after coming up with that crazy original fantasy team name, huh? Any woman who has no problem dressing as a tranny hooker and fucking her husband in the ass won’t draw the line at a rimjob.

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Dear Uff,
Sex: A girl I worked with while in college is coming from overseas to visit myself and other old friends. Here’s some background before I get to the questions. This girl was very interested in me, but I did not make any move as I agree with your feelings on dating at work. Additionally, the girl had a bit of a reputation but for some reason was interested in something more meaningful with me. It didn’t feel to Europe just for sex.

Huh? Did a German person with halting English skills write that last sentence?

We’ve stayed in contact in the years since, and she has continued to flirt.

My question is how to bring out the more fun side of her during the visit? I don’t want her to think I’m just treating her like a piece of meat, but there is clearly a mutual attraction and we probably won’t be seeing each other again any time soon. Is the best way just to start drinking one night and hope for the best? Based on her previous feelings, how forward do I need to be with my intentions to avoid problems afterward? Also, is it better to try this at the start of the visit in the hope of a week’s worth of sex, or wait until the end to minimize any awkwardness that would result from a failed attempt?

Stop overthinking this one. Go in with no expectations, have fun, and be relaxed and confident. If you convince yourself to just have fun because she probably won’t sleep with you, she’ll probably save you the awkward attempt by coming on to you.

FF: I haven’t played in years as my friends during college had no interest, nor do the people I work with now. Is playing with random people in a public league any fun whatsoever? I can’t imagine putting the effort into it if I’m not going to be giving my friends shit for their loss on Monday/Tuesday.
Thanks
Confused International Host

I wouldn’t really know. I’d guess that it’s not as fun as playing with friends, but more fun than not playing at all.

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Oh Most Magnanimous and Comely of Captains,
Fantasy First. Obviously, Michael Vick had a hell of a season this year. BUT do you think that this was a harbinger of even more awesome things to come, or a Brett Favre-like explosion of talent before sinking into mediocrity? Some of the people I talk to think that he’s finally come in to his own, but others argue that it was just a fluke. Thoughts?

It wasn’t a fluke. My biggest fear with Vick would be his potential for injury. But if he stays healthy, he’ll put up huge numbers next year.

Sexy Time: I’ve been with my man for a few years now, we love each other, we get along famously—you get the picture. However, when we first got together, he thought I was the sexiest thing on two legs. Over the years, this has devolved to “cute”. Now, I appreciate how affectionate he is, but as a lady with a strong sexual appetite, I also like to keep things hot—and it’s like he can’t even see me that way anymore. He’s more than happy to rhapsodize about Marisa Miller’s rack (and I agree that it is stunning!), but should he come home to find me cooking in nothing but silk stockings and stilettos, I get a peck on the cheek and a “that smells awesome, babe!” and then just he wanders off. I don’t get it—I’m a pro dancer, so it’s not like I’ve let myself go, I have a large collection of lingerie and naughty costumes, I’ve even taken the initiative and pounced on him—but I can’t seem to eek an once of passion out of the guy. It’s like I’ve been banished to the “cute and lovable” corner. Help?!
-Cock Blocked by Cute

Well, you can probably start by showing him the comments to this post, which will no doubt be filled with suitors expressing their desire to fuck a pro dancer and husbands who wished their wives took better care of their bodies.

I don’t know what the hell your husband’s problem is, but keep in mind that men are pretty dumb. We need shit spelled out for us sometimes. So sit him down and spell out your problems. Otherwise you’ll just keep getting more and more frustrated dropping obvious hints like sticking an airhorn in your vagina and blowing it in his face.

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Uff Diver-
sex- So a male and female friend of mine hooked up on New Year’s Eve, and were in a relationship for about three weeks. She told him she couldn’t handle a relationship right then (because of school, etc.) so they broke up. I assumed he was over it because a) it lasted three weeks, b) he’s been sport-fucking some other chick for nearly three weeks.

I like the phrase “sport-fucking.” Makes me think that there’s a panel of judges watching them go at it.

Last weekend, after a few pints, I ended up taking her home, and since then we’ve been hanging out. I knew she dumped him, but when I manned up and told him about it, he took it incredibly poorly and seems furious with both of us.

I can see that it can be seen as sort of a dick move taking her home, but I really didn’t know he was still into her, especially to this degree. How much of the shit-lightning striking our group of friends is my fault for hooking up with her without knowing how he felt, and how much is him blowing up over a never-was relationship?

Even though they weren’t together long, hooking up with her less than a month later is a little too soon. Not inexcusable, but certainly poor form.

Your dude friend, in turn, needs to suck it the fuck up. She’s a grown-ass woman who didn’t want to date him, and from the moment she ended it with him she was free to screw whoever she wanted. He needs to get over her, and more importantly, he needs to get over himself.

football-
none. february sucks.
best,
-R.C.

It does indeed. Um, only two months until the draft?

(images via nickholmes and pussylequeer)