Plaxico Burress: Celebrated New Year’s Eve.

Eli Manning: Waited patiently for Olivia to sort through all of his candies to make sure none of them contained inappropriate messages.

Mark Sanchez: Cruised parking lots at area high schools.

Michael Vick: Watched the dog show. Masturbated.

Ben Roethlisberger: Romantic night with his fiancee. In a public bathroom.

Legedu Naanee: Asked random women if they know who he is, just in case one of them did. They did not.

Kurt Warner: Read Scripture with Brenda. And then anal.

“Valentine’s Day? Already? Man, they don’t tell us sh!t in here.”

Donovan McNabb: Cardiovascular training.

DeSean Jackson: Went down on his girl and began celebrating while she was still on the verge of climax.

Jeff Reed: Complained about the sloppiness of hook-up’s pubic hair.

Albert Haynesworth: Tried his luck over at the St. Regis.

Jason Garret: Watched Jeopardy and laughed at the undereducated contestants.

Dan Snyder: Doodled on pictures of Dave McKenna.

Tim Hasselbeck: Paid for hooker, talked to her for three hours.

Jerry Richardson: Spent his whole dinner talking down to the waitress.

Carson Palmer: Discussed trade demands with agent; showed his house to potential buyer; continued ignoring painful reality.

Jerry Jones: Invited 15 friends to a Valentine’s dinner…with only 12 place settings.

Brett Favre: masturbated next to a mirror while watching Super Bowl XXXI highlights

Philip Rivers: Sent himself a dozen roses and the biggest box of chocolates they had. Man, he’s great.

Drew Brees: Hand delivered homemade Valentines to all of the homely women employed by the Saints.

OJ Simpson: Laughed his ass off. Played cards with fellow convicts.