The entire NFL community is saddened by the loss of Dave Duerson. A stellar competitor on the field and an upstanding citizen and ambassador of the game off of it, Duerson leaves behind a proud legacy that touched many across the sport. While the circumstances of his passing are at once distressing and tragic, it is important that we not allow the alarmist members of the media to draw cursory conclusions based on uninformed assumption for the sake of further skewing public perception of a complex issue.

It is true that Duerson chose to shoot himself in the chest as a means to preserve his brain for study on the effects of playing football on cognitive function in the later stages of life.The more impetuous observers have elected to interpret this as a suggestion by Duerson that he suffered in recent years as a direct result of playing in the NFL. Nothing could be further from the truth. What hasn’t been promulgated by reporters is the result of testing on Duerson’s brain conducted immediately postmortem under the auspices of the Ted Johnson Center for Sucking It Up and Rubbing Some Dirt On It at the University of Colorado. The following determinations were made:

- Playing football did not result in any decay of cerebral tissue. In some cases, swelling of the brain did occur, but that’s the brain getting larger. One might even say that head shots made him smarter. And his brain more like his penis. ‘Bout time, right fellas?

- Dave Duerson was never at any point in his career a “defenseless receiver” so by the very laws of physics, it is impossible that he could have sustained any devastating hits. No devastating hits indicates no devastation. It says so right here in the updated rule book.

- Brain scans showed the onset depression in Duerson came upon the realization that player pensions were, in fact, TOO generous and that such largesse by the ownership might bankrupt the league.

- Buttressing the claim made by Buddy Ryan, the tests indicated that Duerson possessed levels of intelligence that measured highly by the standards of the negro race.

- Yes, the NFL has different standards of intelligence based on race. Do with that what you will, scribblers.

- Did you know I once broke up a bar fight? So collective bargaining don’t mean shit to me.

- The desire to donate his brain to science likely precipitated Duerson’s death. So eager was he to have his brain toyed with by quacks and pseudoscientists in the field of buzzkillology that he wanted to hurry up and be dead so he brain could make it to science nirvana. From this we can conclude that fields of research dealing in studying the cognitive effects of football pose a threat to the longevity of our the players. It is in the best interest in all involved that the players’ union work in tandem with the league to quash any and all further inquiry into this dangerous fringe subject.

In keeping with standard league policy via-a-vis damning evidence, the NFL has summarily disposed of Dave Duerson’s brain after having decided that internal investigation was sufficient on the matter. This has no doubt allayed the fears of the public on the matter and we hope it has given comfort to the relatives of the deceased as well. It should also stop my stupid older brothers from calling me “Retard.” Seriously, enough’s enough, dicks.