Wade: Welp, guess I’m long overdue to clean out this here office. Get these things down to Houston where they belong. HOUSTON! Can’t believe I’m coachin’ where my Daddy used to coach! Boy, will that tickle the old man with feathers! Anyway, time to box it all up.

Hard to believe, but I think I’ll miss this place. So many memories. LOOK! It’s my first offensive game plan!

(looks at foam board with BUBBLE SCREEN TO WITTEN X22 written on it)

Boy, that didn’t work out quite like I planned! And look! It’s the broomstick Mr. Jones raped me with that one time! I didn’t really like it when he did it at the time. But I guess I can laugh about it now. Ha ha! That was kinda funny.

Oooh, what’s this?

(opens drawer)

Zingers! Oh Wade, you sly ol’ coot! I wonder how old these are. Can’t quite remember when I bought them. Oh well, can’t hurt to indulge one last time in this here office…

(door flies open)

Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW! YEEHAWWWWW! YIP YIP YIP FUCKING YEEEEEGODDAMNHAW… Wait a second. What is your fat filthy ass still doing in at my team headquarters? YOU ARE FAT.

Wade: You told me to come in some time this month to pick up my stuff.

Jerry: I did? That doesn’t sound like me! All of this stuff was supposed to be burned! So that no one here would catch your fat! FATNESS IS A CONTAGIOUS DISEASE, AND YOU ARE FAT’S MAIN HOST.

Wade: Sir, that’s completely untrue…

Jerry: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! Fat people aren’t allowed to talk in this building! Say, what’s that? Is that my broomstick?

Wade: Yes, sir.

Jerry: Oh, that brings back memories. I remember the first time I jammed this into your fat ass. Took me damn near an hour to find your asshole. Like looking for white pussy in North Korea!

(slaps Wade on the back)

We had some good times, didn’t we Obesely Reese?

Wade: I guess we did. Although you did fire me 70,000 times. And you did ritualistically humiliate me in front of everyone. And you did threaten to have my mother evicted. And you did undermine me at virtually every turn…

Jerry: I know! Wasn’t that fucking GREAT?! Always good to have a fat tub of shit like you around to degrade, Chubby Smith! Count Chubula! Jody Fatley!

Wade: That last one didn’t make any sense…

Jerry: IT WORKS ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU’RE FAT AND GROSS! Anyway, we’ll miss you around here, Wade. Except that we won’t, because you were awful.

Wade: I did my best, sir. I really did think we were on the verge of…

Jerry: What? Gaining an extra fifty pounds? YOUR TIME WAS UP, FATBALL! Besides, I finally found myself a REAL head coach.

Wade: You don’t mean…

(door flies open)

Garrett: Mmmm. Yes. Indeed. Interesting how our run/pass ratio magically balanced out once your portly backside was no longer with us, Mr. Phillips. I can’t say I’m surprised that someone of your comportment might want to avoid running at all costs.

Wade: You dirty snake! You called nothing but passes on purpose!

Garrett: A saboteur? Moi? WHY THOSE ARE NOTHING MORE THAN THE ACCUSATIONS OF A NO GOOD CRUMB BUM. They suggest inferior breeding. Clearly the thinking of a man who prefers to indulge in packaged baked goods rather than actual LEARNING! You cannot know what it’s like to be a truly educated man, dear Wade. To walk the quad at Princeton with your fellow elite scholars. Strolling the paths. Sharing a GOOD EATING. Absorbing the ideas of a perfect educational environment! These are the things that make a great coach! Not your… Zingers?

Wade: It’s just a snack.

Garrett: My good fellow, it’s not merely a snack. It’s an indictment of your entire work ethic.

For you see, I have devised a plan that will restore the luster of this tarnished franchise. I call it THE COWBOY WAY.

Wade: I saw that movie. It wasn’t very good. Woody Harrelson’s name in that movie was Pepper!

Garrett: Shut up! No one cares about your taste in lowbrow Westerns! THE COWBOY WAY is not merely some film you watch with your humanoid family while downing fistfuls of kettle corn, good sir! It is an ETHOS. It is a mix of strategy and fortitude that cannot be found in any other NFL franchise. It is this Way, THE COWBOY WAY, that allowed us to win five games against the likes of Rex Grossman! Ohhh, you do not toy with the likes of Rex Grossman! Long throws become him!

Wade: I’m just gonna pack up my stuff and move on with my life now.

Jerry: Not so fast, Tubby! You need to say goodbye to everyone! And we get to poke you with the pokin’ stick one more time!

Wade: That’s not really necessary.

(door flies open)

Judd: Brother!

Garrett: Brother!

Judd: Brother!

Garrett: Brother!

Judd: Will you be joining us for Easter in New Canaan?

Garrett: Only if Muffin makes her famous ham glaze using her very expensive collection of All Clad pots and pans and her Viking oven!

Judd: Indeed she will! AS PROFILED IN TOWN & COUNTRY MAGAZINE!

Garrett: FINE EATINGS AHOY!

Judd: Ha ha ha!

Garrett: Ha ha ha!

Judd: Ha ha ha!

Garrett: Ha ha ha!

Judd: Ha ha ha!

Garrett: Ha ha ha!

Judd: Oh, dear. What is that human zeppoli still doing in YOUR office?

Wade: I just had to pack up some things.

Judd: Pack up or pack IN? Ha ha ha!

Garrett: Ha ha ha!

Judd: Brother, may I just express shock and disgust that it took you this long to be able to install the Cowboy Way here at Valley Ranch?

Garrett: Now Brother, there is no need to look back in such a manner.

Judd: But it’s true! You were so clearly superior, and this… this THING… held you down and smothered your career with his heaving breasts the whole time!

Wade: You can kiss my ass, Ginger Boy.

Judd: Oh, he has fight in him now, does he? I PROPOSE A DUEL WITH FOILS!

Jerry: SHUT UP! No faggot fencing on my watch! Just get out of here, Wade!

Wade: I’m tryin’! You’re not lettin’ me!

(door flies open, causes sprained ankle)

MBIII: JERRY MOTHERFUCKING JONES! JERRY JONES, YOU MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!

Jerry: Marion! Say good bye to Coach Elephant Ass, will ya?

MBIII: OH, THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO GOT FIRED? MARION BARBER DON’T GIVE A SHIT! YOUR ASS GOT FIRED!

Wade: I’ll miss you too, Marion.

MBIII: MARION BARBER CAN STILL RUN THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ FOOTBALL! HE KNOWS YOU THINK HE’S WASHED UP, BUT THAT’S NOT TRUE! FUCK ALL Y’ALL!

(tries to leave but falls down trying to push door open)

MOTHERFUCKER THIS DOOR IS BROKEN!

Wade: Okay, now I’m leaving.

(door flies open)

Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Pacman hurrrd dat fat coach man b leevin’. Pacman sad. Mista fat coach man giv Pacman his sekkund chanz wen no 1 else wuld. Pacman down wid it. Pacman might gon cry.

Wade: You’re really gonna cry?

Pacman: FUKK NO, BITCH. Pacman fukkin’ wit u. Pacman ain’t no cryn BITCH. Pacman make dat pussy cry. He fukk dat pussy till dem hot tearzz b rollin’ down. Den he stuff a mango in dat shit. BULLEE DAT. Pacman ain’t got no luv for dem btichezz. A bitch b jus a pussy wit legs. PACMAN SAY DAT. Pacman gon step in dat pussy till his Nikes touch yo brain. Then he gon drank. O HE GON DRANK. YOU THANK HE AIN’T GON DRANK? Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till the puzzy be stepped on.

Wade: Jesus, that’s horrible.

Jerry: Okay, he’s said goodbye. NOW FUCK OFF! GO AWAY!

Wade: Yes, sir.

(opens office door)

Wade: What’s this?

Jerry: Can’t send a fat man off without cake. Now can you?

Wade: Is this for me?

Jerry: Of course it is. FATASS.

Wade: I dunno what to say. I’m touched, sir. Even if it’s misspelled.

Jerry: Yeah, well, you best eat that cake now, because it’s leftover from a construction worker who died on site before we could throw him a party. It might have mold.

Wade: Well, thank you sir.

Jerry: Go on. EAT.

Garrett: Will you give me a cake like that one day, sir?

Jerry: No.

Garrett: Why not?

Jerry: Because you’re a fucking asshole. NOW WIN ME A GODDAMN CHAMPIONSHIP PRINCETON BOY OR YOUR SKINNY ASS IS FUCKING FIRED FOREVER! YOU GINGER FUCK! ROMO TITLE OR BUST, FIREBOX! YEEEEHAWWW WOOOHOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!