Friends, I have to relay a concern that I, as a broadcast professional, a father and even as a human being, cannot let stand unchallenged any longer: the level of personal expression in today’s society is beyond the pale. Certainly not aboveboard.

/does a half dozen FLOTV commercials where he has the only speaking role

On Sunday, in the Jets’ stunning victory in Foxborough, I believe we witnessed a tipping point. Shonn Greene’s clinching touchdown was met with a disgraceful display of elation and idiosyncratic celebration that, frankly, should chill us to the bone.

When my life unit was replicated in a laboratory located in a shadowy and undisclosed section of Jakarta those 50-odd planet cycles ago, one thing that myself and my fellow replicants came to accept as absolute was the value of complete and utter uniformity. We talked alike. We made thoughtful gestures alike. Our hairlines thinned along similar lines. If someone acted out of accordance with his peers, he was clearly a defect who was to be disassembled and salvaged for scrap smug.

Over time, our makers released us replicants into the world for the stated mission of restoring the vanilla blandness that they saw was being eroded by gains of the individual. Had our makers known the staggering task that just a few thousand replicants would be going up against, perhaps they would have manufactured many more. But how could they have foreseen the rise of the Internet? It makes possible personal expression possible in ways that my unit type’s replicant mind was never designed to conceive. I dare not even gaze upon its horrifying, gaudy visage.

Not only do there exist innumerable ways to alter one’s appearance to distinguish one’s self from others, but there too is a burgeoning Internet culture that encourages individuality as almost a singular point of emphasis. Be it user names or unique pictures that accompany them, the Internet, what could be an oppressing system of conforming oneness, is instead a force for repellent, disparate variety. Diversity of thought, culture, taste. This is not what our makers saw fit for the future of replicantkind.

The one that we refer to as Replicant Prime – you know him as “Peyton Manning” – now stands as the only hope for beating back the tidal wave of the self. He represents the best of us because he represents all of us. Us being personality devoid replicants, of course. Woe be it that we won’t see him in the rest of this football season. His absence means I will be forced to chide player celebration at even its most subtle.

STOP POINTING FOR THE FIRST DOWN! THAT IS THE JOB OF THE OFFICIALS! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CROSSED THE MARKER! ONE DAY WE WILL SAP YOU OF THIS FALSE CONSTRUCT THAT IS FREE WILL!