FACK YOU! You fackin’ New Yark faggots think you gawt one ovah on Kevin Gahhhnett Nation, but you did nawt! Let me just remind you cawkgabblahs of a few things!

(leaves stadium with over 4 minutes to go)

1. 45-3! 45-3! Farty-five to fackin’ three! The final referendum on this supposed rivalry! Everyone knows the Pats lawst this game and the Jets did nothing to win it! 45-3 is all you need to know about who’s really the bettah team! If fackin’ Pat Nip doesn’t drawp that fake punt, WE AHHH THE ONES WHO AHHH LAUGHING TODAY! It was perfectly set up! That slippery gook could have run fahhh days! Such was the brilliance of the play’s design that it should have been called a first down anyway!

2. CHEATAHS! You had to fake injuries to slow down the legendary DUCK BOAT JUGGUHNAUTS! You fackin’ pansy ass quee-ahs! Hey Bahhht Scawtttt, why don’t you grab your ankles a little more-ah, you flooded cunt! THAT WAS NAWT A LEGITIMATE WAY TO WIN! That means we won ow-ah fifth Supah Bowl! Take a look at the DVOA rankings and you know this to be true!

3. Act like you’ve been they-ah before-ahhhhh, New Yark! Look at Shawnn Greene, sleeping in the end zone like the lazy dahhhkie that he is! You people cleee-ahly have no experience winning titles the way we do in Titletown, USMass!!!! NO CLASS! JIM NANTZ was right about you dahkies! Jumping around like a bunch of wild monkey children! THAT’S WHAT YOU AHHHH! America does nawt like black grandstandahhhhs! They prefer the quiet stoicism of Julian Edelman!

4. TWO FACKIN’ GOLDEN GLOBES FAR THE FIGHTAH! NEED I SAY MORE-AHHH?

5. NAWT FAY-AHHH! We had ovah 500 undrafted free agents on ow-ah rawstah! No first round glory boys fahhh us! We made more-ah with ow-ah talent than you did, and that mattahs!

6. Pitchahs and catchahs repart soon! PITCHAHHHHS AND CATCHAHHHS!!! Cahhhhl Crahhhfahhhd! Adrian Mexicanguy! THEY SAY HE’S THE QUIET MANNY! Tawp that, you Yankee sluts! Oh, by all means, have yar little “football victory.” Enjoy it. You know it doesn’t hurt us! You know that it means NOTHING to us! YOU CAN’T WIN CLUTCH BASEBALL GAMES WHEN IT MATTAHS!

Make no mistake! This game has put the legendary fans of Wahlberg Nation in straight FACK YOU mode! And you don’t want to fack with us when we ahhh in FACK YOU mode! One time I was in FACK YOU mode and two camel jawkeys neeee-ahly gawt beaten to death! NOTHING CAN STAWP UP NOW! OW-PISSED AWFF IS MORE-AH PISSED AWFF THAN YOUR-AH PISSED AWFF! Ow-ah angah shall drive the Sawx to yet anathah AL East Wild Cahhhhd berth! You wawtch! And then we’ll have Danny Woodhead drawp kick the extra home run and Terry Francona will point to Rex Ryan in the stands and say YOU AHHH JUST ANATHAH GUY TO ME! YOU AHHH NOTHING! WE AHHH SO GOOD WE DON’T EVEN THINK OF YOU, BECAUSE WE DON’T REALLY LIKE FOOTBALL! NOW OUTTA MY WAY! And then we’ll have the last laugh! You wawtch!

(directs bank neist movie and films self shirtless for 90% of the running time)

Fackin’ Brady and Belichick. I knew we nevah should have traded Bledsoe!