Happy Christmas, everyone. If you had a serious problem this week, rest assured: there’s no chance I answered it. People with serious problems got relegated to 2011, while those of you with minor problems got featured because I’m an indecisive alcoholic. Ah, the Christmas spirit runs deep here.

Captain,
Football- Championship game, I’m a bit torn regarding my RBs. I have good ones, but due to match ups and varying scores every week, I’m not sure which to start. I know I’m starting MJD. After that I need to consider Bradshaw @GB, Benson @SD, or Choice @Ari. Right now I have Choice as my RB2 and a WR in flex. Are Benson or Bradshaw worth a second look this week?

I would start Bradshaw because he’s been getting great touches, even with Brandon Jacobs getting so much playing time. Unless you’ve got some awesome WR for that flex, start Bradshaw and Choice.

Sex- No question, but a little story to share. I’m the guy who asked about bitch friends complaining about sex in their apartments. This weekend, my gf and I slept over that friend’s place (on his couch), and she woke me up with a blowjob. THAT’S RIGHT, BUDDY! IF YOU’RE READING THIS, I GOT HEAD ON YOUR COUCH AND MY BARE ASS WAS TOUCHING YOUR CUSHIONS! DEAL WITH IT!
Thank you,
Best Friend Ever

I appreciate that. You invite a man and a woman to sleep in your place, you should expect them to get naked and make magic happen. People who get offended by that — especially when it’s their friends doing the fucking — need to get kicked in the junk.

Dear Matt,
Short and sweet this week. No sex, please accept this perfect ass as my reparations.

I accept your Vida Guerra as payment. I would polish that ass and wear it as a hat.

FF: Benson got me to the championship game but I don’t trust him against the Chargers. They have a very good run defense and an even better offense that should get up big in the first and force Cincy to abandon the run early. I have Steven Jackson in my RB1 spot, so who do I choose for my second RB out of: Choice @ AZ, Lynch @ TB or Benson vs. SD. I’m leaning towards Lynch due to TB being beat up and Choice could get stuck with balls for carries with Jones in the backfield.

That’s a tough one. I’m split on Lynch/Choice, but since I’m a Seattle fan I’m inclined to suggest that you start Choice. Don’t make the mistake of letting your fantasy season hinge on a Seahawk.

Bonus question if you want: WR3 issue now that Collie is dead, Ward vs. Caro or Blair White @ Oak?
Thanks,
Chris

Actually, even though I barely know who Blair White is, you should start him over Ward. Carolina is fucking TERRIBLE, but the one thing they do well is defend receivers since they have a good secondary.

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Dear Caveman and co.,
Kinda sorta sex, but not really.  I wrote in earlier this year about wondering how to get my gf to shave all the way.  I also stated that I’d be proposing as soon as I could afford it.  Well, I afforded it and we’re engaged.

Congratulations.

Now, as expected, she’s completely excited and is reading every single magazine, website, flyer, pamphlet, and book she can get her hands on.  Since this is my first (and hopefully only) time being engaged and planning a wedding, I have a problem, okay, not a problem but just a question.  How can I stay involved and seem interested (I am) without having to be consulted on everything from the flatware to the flowers?  I just don’t care as long as they’re not hot pink or baby-puke green.  I know she wants my opinion and I appreciate it, but in all honesty, these things just aren’t important to me.

Unsilent Majority says: Tell her you’d like to be involved in the processes without being consulted on every single decision. It worked for me.

Sounds like pretty good advice from our recently married writer. Perhaps you can give her a general idea of what you like for things, she can find 8,000 different options, and then you can weigh in when she’s narrowed it down to the final three or four choices.

Fantasy:  I’m in the title game for a standard Yahoo! league (no PPR).  I have a plethora of solid players and need to fill 2 WR and a WR/RB to go with MJD and DeSean Jackson.  Tampa Mike Williams (vs. Sea), Super Mario (@GB), Joe Webb (yea, I’m the one in this league) (@Phi), Thomas Jones (vs. Ten), and Kenny Brit (@KC).  I know it’s a wealth of talent and feel free to tell me to fuck off for having all of these guys but there’s money and a lot of bragging rights on the line here.  Bonus question: is there any scenario that I should start ARodg over Rivers?  Is a 75% Aaron better than Rivers at 100%?

Mike Williams. And stick with Rivers, don’t gamble on Rodgers’s health.

Also, please find attached a picture of the current object of my desire, Arianny Celeste.
-life is tough

I’m a big fan of Arianny Celeste as well, but apparently I’m a much bigger fan, as I’m willing to put an entire NSFW gallery in the middle of my sex and fantasy football column.

Hello. Hi. Howya doin’. Ahoy. Greetings. Hey. How’s your father? Take care now.

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Greetings Cap,
Long time reader, first time writing in. Short and sweet, FF first. I’m the commish of a 12 team yahoo league, standard scoring. Playoffs start this week and I am totally out of the race, making me as neutral as can be. Yahoo currently has Joe Webb listed as WR, QB. The team currently #1 in the league basically got away with starting 2 QBs this week (Webb in the flex). Another team in the playoffs filed a complaint. I feel that starting 2 QBs due to a Yahoo loophole is an unfair advantage, but wanted some more input before I take action. What do you think?

I think it’s tough titty for the SOB who didn’t have the savvy to pick up Joe Webb. I’m not one to feel pity for those who don’t capitalize on loopholes.

Sex: Wife and I are expecting our first kid. She is 2 months along.

Ooohhhh, two months along is the SEXY pregnant time!

I recently received a complaint about the lack of oral she has been getting lately. To make this short, I will just say, bitch be fartin. Like, non-stop and the nastiest fucking farts she has ever had. This is really what prevents me from going down. I really love going down on my wife, but I really hate to get my face farted on. So, basically, what the fuck do I do?
Sincerely,
FartFace McGee

You gotta talk to her. “Baby, I wanna go down on you, but you GOTTA stop farting while my face is down there.” Done and done.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy: I play in a 12 team keeper yardage (two adjectives too many) league where TD’s are only worth 2 points.

It’s like you’re playing in Soviet Russia.

I hate the rules, but that is beside the point. At the end of the year we get to choose two keepers. My best prospects are: Roddy White, Mike Wallace, Knowshon Moreno, Jahvid Best, Mike Williams (Seattle), Felix Jones, and Malcolm Floyd. I definitely want to keep Roddy, but I don’t really have a favorite out of the remaining six. What do you think?

I think it depends on what picks you stand to lose. All things being equal, I’d say Mike Wallace is the most reliable option moving forward. But if it’s Wallace at the cost of a 6th round pick versus Mike Williams for a 15th round pick, then I’d say Williams.

Sex: I’m a 21 year old college student, and I live in a townhouse with two other guys my age. One of them is moving out at the end of the month because he joined the Army is shipping out to bootcamp soon. I knew this was coming, so I found two potential replacement roomies. The one that is most likely to move in is a very attractive girl (who I’ll call Moneypenny) who I’m very good friends with.

I miss being 21.

Miss Moneypenny has a boyfriend, but they aren’t all that serious. On top of that, this Moneypenny and I have a lot of chemistry between us.

REALLY miss it.

When we first met we talked about dating, but neither of us wanted to date each other because we thought we might get too serious. There is more, I recently met Miss Moneypenny’s best friend. I hit it off with her, and we have been talking pretty much everyday. We definitely like each other.

Again, I have to recommend this to everyone: if you have the option of being 21 and in college, be 21 and in college.

Moneypenny’s 21st birthday is on New Year’s Eve, and her friend is throwing her a birthday party. She also invited me to just ‘crash at her place’. I’m worried that if everyone is drunk me and the friend will mess around (fine with that), and that will lead to dating. If I date the friend then Moneypenny will have me under her eye, and everything I do, say, insinuate, emotion I show or accidentally project will get told to my then girlfriend. I wouldn’t cheat on her, but everyone needs a little privacy. Not to mention the slight sexual tension between me and Miss Moneypenny, and how that might factor into the situation. My question is if I pursue the friend, will I end up regretting it?
Regards,
Bond, James Bond

Dude, you’re 21 and in college. As awesome as Moneypenny may be, you don’t want your go-to piece of tail living with you. Nail her friend, make her come, and treat her like a lady. The word will get around to Moneypenny, and you can cash in on that reputation after college. Patience is a virtue.

P.S. A friend bought me Drew’s book for my birthday a few days ago. I didn’t know he had written a book, I was very pleasantly surprised.

If you liked Men with Balls, you’ll LOVE The Football Fan’s Manifesto by Mike Tunison (aka Christmas Ape)!

/obligatory

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CC:
Mike Thomas, Hines Ward, Miles Austin, Deion Branch. Start 2. Who? No PPR. Championship game.

Well, if you don’t have the time to give me matchups, I don’t have the time to research my opinion. I know from above that Ward is facing Carolina (no thanks to you), so I’ll say Thomas and Austin.

If a woman leaves her boyfriend to be with you, would you be able to trust her as much as any other woman? Flipside, why do some men keep trying to fix their relationships when their girlfriend repeatedly cheats on them with the same guy?
Let’s not use my real name on this one. Call me Bif.

If a woman leaves her boyfriend to be with you, then you’d be an asshole to judge her for that. Flipside, I have never heard of a man who tries to fix a relationship with a girl who repeatedly cheats with the same guy.

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Dear man of the cave,
Fantasy: So I am in the championship of a PPR league. I need to start 2 out of these 3; D jackson (Min) Maclin (Min) Or Hillis (Bal). I am worried about Hillis against the ravens but again worried about starting too many eagles even though they are unstoppable. Note: I am starting Lesean Mccoy as well. I am leaning to Maclin for a sure start because of the amount of targets he gets, but am unsure about d jax. Your infinite wisdom is much appreciated, and I appoligise in advance for horrible grammar.

Hillis scored a season-low 9.2 points last week (in my .5 PPR league), but personally, I wouldn’t abandon a guy who has been such a reliable workhorse all season long — especially a guy who catches passes out of the backfield like Hillis. Dude put up 27.5 points against the Ravens in Week 3, 14.2 points against the Falcons, 12 points against Pittsburgh in a loss, and 17 points against the Jets in a loss. Even against tough defenses, he’s been getting it done this season.

Sex: So I have started seeing this girl I knew in college. She is a lot of fun, has a respectable career, loves football, and we get along well. One problem; she was a huge whore in college,

I can already tell that I’m going to dislike everything else that you say.

I know probably at least 10 guys that slayed her (including myself). Now it seems she has matured and isn’t like that anymore. I am fine with her past, as I am not really a jealous person and understand I am no patron saint myself. The only problem is I am reluctant to let myself get seriously involved with someone that didn’t exactly have great morals in the past (I am pretty sure she was fine with being the girl on the side a couple of times). What are your thoughts on people actually changing? And would it be naive of me to actually go in believing that at some point she wont revert to her old ways.

Yeah, go ahead and judge this cool girl with a good job because she slept around the way you would have liked to in college. That seems fair, you fucking hypocrite.

Additionally, do you think there is an age or a period of time when a man stops being a lying cheating asshole, or is that more of a conscious effort one has to make on their own?
Thanks,
Once a whore always a whore?

I’ll just say this: a man needs to realize what an asshole he is before he stops being an asshole to girls. It might happen at age 22, it might happen at age 40, but at some point most men have a realization of “Oh shit, she didn’t deserve that.” And instead of apologizing to every girl you’ve ever dated, you instead treat the new girlfriend like a princess. It’s the least we, as men, can do.