With each passing week, the playoff picture becomes less and less cloudy. It also becomes more apparent that the Pats are really good this season (shit!). That said, with four weeks remaining in the 2010 season, no team has yet clinched a playoff berth and much is still to be determined. To serve the interest of confused readers and indulge our unending desire for quick and lazy jokes, KSK has put together an exhaustive (and exhausting!) list of playoff scenarios for each team still in playoff contention. Actually, that’s not true; we neglected several teams that, while they have yet to be mathematically eliminated, engender zero confidence and have no pressing tasteless jokes about which to tell. Please forgive our oversight.
The Falcons can clinch the NFC South and home-field advantage throughout the playoffs if:
Kroy Biermann has a blissful marriage with that mannish reality TV whore he proposed to
They come up with names for their children that are at least as stupid as “Kroy”
Kroy commits his post-football life to recreating the seminal late-’90s TV sensation “Shasta McNasty”
The redness of Mike Smith’s face does not exceed three hues brighter than the color featured on the team’s uniforms
The Bears can clinch the NFC North and a first-round bye if:
This guy can find a way to cram a “C” into first-round bye;
Everyone overlooks the fact that the Lions got jobbed against them twice
They somehow get lucky as hell and beat the Pats, Jets and then the Packers on the road in the next month
The Eagles can clinch the NFC East if:
Peter King at least waits until the offseason to satisfy his voracious bloodlust for Michael Vick
RT @bennymac_mt: Using your p manning theory, take away vick and what would eagles record be? … Kolb’s Eagles 31, Falcons (10-2) 17.
Vick stops getting kneed in the head four times per game
The Giants can clinch a playoff spot if:
At any point, fewer than a half dozen of their receivers are injured
They play the Redskins every week
Antrel Rolle receives the military decorations befitting someone who served on the treacherous battlefield of New Meadowlands Stadium
The Packers can clinch a playoff spot if:
Dawg, Greg Jennings carry the team on his f*ckin back, doh
He do this shit
AND they can win the division if:
He do it for Madden
F*CK YOU, GUMBY!
The Saints can unseat and the Falcons and win the NFC South if:
The Drew Brees NFL Shop customized T-shirt ad can just air three more times per commercial break
Malcolm Jenkins strips the division title from Atlanta just before it crosses the goal line
The Buccaneers can clinch a playoff berth if:
They get relocated to the NFC West
Josh Freeman’s parents become a persistent mixed-race marriage joke on “The Boondocks.”
The Rams can win the NFC West if:
I don’t know, they win one more game this year?
The Seahawks can win the NFC West if:
They agree to give Top Pot maple bars to the superior Wild Card team they host in their bullshit home playoff game in the first round.
The Patriots can win the AFC East and secure homefield advantage through the playoffs if:
Deion Branch’s perm doesn’t make Tom Brady mistake him for Eddie Griffin
flubby refuses to get off his dead ass and pronounce them dead once again
The Steelers can clinch the AFC North and a first-round bye if:
Rooney’s nephews continue their noble quest of handing Pittsburgh games where they didn’t actually get all the calls
Everything that happens is tangentially connected to that unfortunate episode of alleged rapeyness
The Jaguars can clinch the AFC South if:
God truly loves us and shows it by making the Colts miss the playoffs even in a year when the rest of their division is garbage.
The Chiefs can win the AFC West if:
Fantasy owners don’t file rape charges for the continued underuse of Jamaal Charles
Todd Haley ever stops maniacally cackling about Josh McDaniels’ firing
Haley’s little brother still can’t borrow the Camaro
The Jets can secure a playoff spot if:
Sanchez doesn’t suck
The Ravens can make the playoffs if:
Joe Flacco stops assuming a safety lined up next to linebacker isn’t there to deliver him a fruit basket
The Chargers can win the AFC West if:
Richard from “Fun Diego” doesn’t have too skeevy baggage
The highlight of Ryan Mathews’ season doesn’t end up being this cameo on Jimmy Kimmel (it will)
The Colts can win the AFC South if:
They stop eating the ass of every team they play
Bill Polian convinces the competition committee that it’s mandatory for the Fat Humps to make the playoffs
Colts fans still stupidly demand for Polian to be fired.
The Raiders can win the AFC West if:
Every team can shit the bed against them as aggressively as the Chargers
Jemele Hill successfully ignites a race war when Jason Campbell is benched for the eighth time this season
I want more like this!
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