Sex Cannon: Oh, hi there. I’m Rex Grossman. If you aren’t sure who I am, you should know that I’m the guy who jizzed over Jack Del Rio’s playoff hopes and instantly replaced Graydick McNabb in the hearts and vaginas of DC football fans the world over. And I’m here to cordially invite you to my New Year’s Eve party, here in DC. We’ll be celebrating 2011, which is the Year of the Cannon in Chinese folklore. I know that because I humped a Chinese girl once until her heart stopped beating and fried rice came flying out of her ears.
Drunk Girl: Can I come to your party, Rex?
Sex Cannon: You sure can, Drunken Rich Georgetown Girl. If you’re between the ages of nineteen and a half and twenty, and you’re drunk, and you hate your Catholic parents, there’s a spot on the guest list for YOU.
Drunk Girl: Will there be any drink specials?
Sex Cannon: Yes, and they all come from this tap.
(points to crotch)
You can drink all night long. The crowd can go eight deep though. AND NO CANNON DONG FOR ANYONE WITHOUT A BLUE WRISTBAND. Late Night Cumshots policy.
People, I’m gonna lay it out for you right now. I know you think I’m just a temporary quarterback. The fluffer of the Washington offense, as it were. I know you’re just aching to have Jake Locker come in here and fumble all over the place. But in 2011, the Sex Cannon is gonna show you just why he became a GIANT-COCKED STAR to begin with. You’re going to see me throw longer. Harder. NASTIER. I’m gonna throw so hard, you might even feel a little nauseous watching it.
And I’m not gonna stop there. I’m gonna double-penetrate the defense. That’s right. They say you can’t throw two balls at once. WELL I CAN. I will throw seven balls at the same time and split that defense like Annabel Chong. It’ll be so sexy, you may have to seek counseling afterwards.
I’m gonna introduce entire new objects to insert into the defense. Cucumbers, flashlights, small trees. You name something I can stick up the defense’s gut, and it’s going in there. It’s going to be the most hardcore passing game you’ve ever seen. Will Anthony Armstrong be able to take on so many balls and strings of thrown anal beads at once? WHO CARES? What matters is that I will be the one with the stones to throw them. After you see that, you’ll never go back to missionary-style throwing with Ryan Mallett. That’s a guarantee.
So join me as I ring in 2011 with a thousand of my closest people-who-are-not-friends-because-I-will-have-sex-with-them.
Drunk Girl: Is there a cover charge?
Sex Cannon: Only if you’re covered, sweetheart. Only if you’re covered. Now take that top off and come get yourself a free sip.
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![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/10/paytonalone-150x150.jpg)
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Sex Cannon, impregnating defenses one interception at time.
Oh Cannon, I have missed you most of all.
This is crying out for a Photoshop of the Photoshop up above. Stick a cucumber, flashlight, small tree, and a string of anal beads on that table, and you have an image that will impregnate any woman who gazes upon it.
Sex Cannon, is going to drop his balls on your chin at the stroke (of his dick) of midnight. Sex Cannon’s New Year’s Cock Rockin’ Eve!
I waited two years for this. And it was worth it.
If there’s no football in 2011, will the Sex Cannon explode from all the backed-up sexiness waiting to be unleashed?
I think it’s time to put in Colt Brennan.
I guess Sexy Rexy’s sippy cup is a different kind than Elisha’s.
I know that because I humped a Chinese girl once until her heart stopped beating and fried rice came flying out of her ears.
**********************************
“And then….”
Drunk Girl is a well fleshed character. I’d like to see more of her.
Aah… Sex Cannon’s triumphant return! Bravo. Bra-vo. (applauds)
At Rhino Pumphouse bro! Where else?
So the cops knew internal affiars was in on it the whole time?
This has been a long time coming.
Heh.
Coming.
7 balls. 4 incomplete, 2 interceptions, 1 TD. All deep.
As a fan of both the Giants and KSK, nothing would make me happier right now than for the Sex Cannon to unleash the dragon and force Tom Coughlin and the rest of his cronies kicking and screaming into retirement.
/swing passes are still for pussies
The Cannon is going to get Coughlin fired this weekend and then he will impregnate all of the Mara daughters simultaneously.
*In Sex Cannon Voice*
Do I think McNabb deserved to be benched? No. Hell I wish he was still throwing his limpdicked lob passes around and throwing up like a Gator cheerleader at a Frat Party. But let me share some Sex Canon Wisdom with you: when life gives you limes, you do tequila body shots with those limes. It’s like when you’re buddy passes out at a party. Do you sit around and whine about it, or do you go upstairs and throw a fuck into his girlfriend to console her?
Well Washington, McNabb might be on the bench for a while, but once you’ve had a taste of my raging hard armcock, you’re going to be too stretched out for him anyway.
man that chick looks really really dumb…my kinda girl.
As a Giants fan, you are a fucking idiot if you think Tom Coughlin is to blame for his team playing like a bunch of pussies. The fact that Perry Fewell waited a whole half to try to challenge the slant is mind boggling, but even when the Giants did the DB’s got embarrassed. The Giants defense couldn’t generate a pass-rush even when they blitzed and they got man-handled by a faggoty Green Bay Packers line. It’s not Coughlin’s fault the players played like complete shit. Nicks ran two incorrect routes that led to interceptions and committed a retarded pass interference that cost the Giants a big drive. Boss couldn’t catch or do anything that a competent player should do. The only thing that would have been different if Cowher coached that game is that his face would be less rosy and much more full of that I-just-ate-shit grimace he makes when things aren’t going his way.
Sex Cannon thinks throwing McNabb-style bounce passes is Kevin Spacey gay.
@SSLE: I never suggested Cowher should replace Coughlin (although plenty of Giants fans think that). But Coughlin definitely needs to go. Throughout Coughlin’s tenure, the Giants’ roster has been more talented than was ultimately reflected in the team’s record. Coughlin has always packed the coaching staff with his cronies (from Tim Lewis to Bill Sheridan to even Perry Fewell, who against his better judgment last week yielded to Coughlin and played prevent in the 4th quarter against the Eagles rather than keeping the pressure on), and even when it was painfully obvious that Coughlin needed to cut those guys loose he always played the loyalty card and kept them around rather than having someone that might actually think for themselves on the staff. In 2007, when ownership told Coughlin to get his shit straight and actually forced someone from outside Coughlin’s circle on the staff (Spagnuolo), the Giants won the Superbowl. Without Spagnuolo, Coughlin has showed he learned nothing and the team has gone back to it’s underachieving ways. Coughlin’s teams routinely fade in the second half of the season, and as Giants coach he has never won a playoff game without Spagnuolo. It’s time to move on. The only shame is that the team didn’t find a way to lock up Spagnuolo as its next coach and had to watch him leave town while Coughlin stuck around. In any event, the time to hunt for a successor is now.
/apologies for homerism and actual football talk
//dick joke
The Sex Cannon goes balls deep everytime. Sometimes he goes balls deep into the ground or balls deep into into the stands, but it’s always balls deep.
I knew there was a reason I kept my vintage KSK Sex Cannon t-shirt. To protect myself from a sexy-impregnation when I’m in the DC region.
And I’m a man.
Yayyyyyy! Sex cannon posts always make me happy.
Fuck it, I’m going deep. Good to see the Old Cumslinger back in the game.
Nice latenightshots reference. Never thought I’d see that on KSK.
Perry Fewell, who against his better judgment last week yielded to Coughlin and played prevent in the 4th quarter against the Eagles rather than keeping the pressure on
This is exactly backwards. Fewell did keep the pressure on, and Vick got away from it and had 40 yards of open running room.
Next week: Howard girls
The REX can run the offense in any conditions
Washington REXskins…ha! I don’t know why, but I find that truly hilarious.
What isn’t hilarious is that goddamn Uproxx Daily Breakdown that keeps showing up in my spam folder.
FUCK IT AND CHUCK IT BABY!
The Sex Cannon was the whole reason I started reading KSK!
Jemele Hill is at it again – defending McNabb while also managing to slob Brittfar’s knob. She is the worst.
[sports.espn.go.com]
Also, are there any naked pictures of Drunk Girl?
Drunk Girl appears to be an Irish lass named Claire Tully.
(The TinEye plugin for FireFox rules)
[sexybikinimodel.wordpress.com]
This image says it all…
[a.espncdn.com]
“I will throw seven balls at the same time and split that defense like Annabel Chong.”
/googles Annabel Chong
//Google Instant stops displaying results and prompts “press Enter to search”
///presses enter
////Jesus Apricot-Shtting Christ
/////dick joke
God I love Rex and his tiny hands and short body and “go deep” mentality. Guy was the best ever for a month.
+1 for the LateNightShots reference
tehenks…