V/O: This January… Fox Searchlight Pictures invites you to discover the film critics around the world are already hailing as one of the defining movies of the century. This winter, prepare for a new definition of courage and grit. From acclaimed director Ben O. Russell, comes the incredible true story of one man…
Tommy: THIS IS MY FACKIN’ SHAWT AT A TITLE! I WON’T GET ANOTHAH ONE AFTAH THIS! SOME FACKIN’ DAHKKKIE WILL!
V/O: Tommy O’Leary Fitzkirkgerald Callahan Guinness McFlanagan is…
Tommy: FACK YOU!
V/O: “THE FIGHTER OF THE TOWN.”
Tommy: I am a fackin’ FIGHTAH! And I am from THE TOWN! I DO NAWT GIVE UP! I’M A CITIZEN OF WOODHEAD NATION, AND THAT MEANS I SCRAP FAR EVERYTHING I GAWT!
(mimes boxing for everyone in bar to see)
V/O: No one believed in him…
Tommy: The Red Sawx WILL sign Cahhhhl fackin’ Crawfard and trade far Adrian Gonzalez, and they will fackin’ DAWMINATE!
JackA: Yeah right, cuntsmack.
Tommy: SACK MY CAWK, YOU NEW YARK FAGGOT!
V/O: No one took him seriously…
Tommy: I am nawt a stepping stone! NOT LIKE SOME QUEE-AHHBAG NATIONAL LEAGUE TEAM!
V/O: Everyone hated him…
Tommy: Tawm Brady. Deiawn Branch. Wes fackin’ Welkah. Billy Belichick. 12-2. Home field thru the playawffs. NEED I SAY MORE-AH? FOUR-AH TITLES FAR THE PATS! BAWSTON IS FACKIN’ BACK!
V/O: Even his crackhead brother…
Dicky: That’s my brothah! I taught him everything he fackin’ knows.
Tommy: HOLY SHIT! CHRISTIAN BALE IS PLAYIN’ MY FACKIN’ BROTHAH! YOU THINK HE DOES THAT FOR SOME FAGGOT YANKEES FAN? He gives my prawject credibility! And he’s playin’ a crackhead! From Lowell! Ow-ah crackheads ahhhh more-ahhh compelling than your-ahh crackheads! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Dicky: Hey, can I get some crack?
Tommy: No! FACK YOU! I spent all my money on that Bally’s membahship! Look how fackin’ ripped I gawt far this role! Dan Patrick says I could probably beat most heavyweights RIGHT NOW AS IT STANDS!
(walks around shirtless for no reason)
V/O: He fought…
Tommy: I’M A FIGHTAH!
V/O: For his town…
Tommy: THIS IS OW-AH TOWN!!!
V/O: He even robbed a bank…
Tommy: WE FIGHT AND WE RAWB BANKS BECAWSE OW-AH TOWN IS TOUGHAH THAN YOUR-AHS!!! You should have seen the Packahs come in here-ah on Sunday! They KNEW the fans would be awn them! THAT IS WHY THEY LAWST!
(dips)
V/O: But he never quit…
Tommy: I’M THE ONE FIGHTIN’! NAWT YOU NAWT YOU AND NAWT YOU!
Bartender: This is a bar. You can’t fight here.
Tommy: I WILL SMACK YOUR WIFE IN THE CUNT WITH A BROKEN PINT GLASS!
V/O: See what the critics are raving about. “A MASTAHPIECE.” “FOUR STAHHHHS!” “A FACKIN’ TRIUMPH!” Peter Travers writes: “Never have I seen one Boston actor strain so hard to make Massachusetts look all tough and shit.”
Tommy: What’s the mattah, Awstin Cawllie? WELKAH WOULD HAVE SIX CATCHES FAR 12 YAHHHDS WITH THAT CONCUSSION! BOOK IT!
V/O: “THE FIGHTER OF THE TOWN.” Coming soon to the Natick Mall.
Tommy: GIVE ME MY AWSCAHHHH!!! SOMEONE FINALLY GAWT OW-AH ACCENT RIGHT! IT’S TIME WE GAWT OW-AH DUE!!! HOW LAWNG DO WE HAVE TO SUFFAH?
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/03/wantedposter-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/03/vikessuits-150x150.jpg)
one word: awesome
Welcome back, Drew!
I’d see that movie….on Netflix streaming when I couldn’t sleep…but I’d see it.
That was the tits. Fucking phenomenal, Drew.
Re: The Fighter – I see Boston had been taping the Rocky series walkthrough.
Tommy: I WILL HIT YOUR WIFE IN THE CUNT WITH A BROKEN PINT GLASS!
Oh yessir
shit almighty that was hilarious
F’n brilliant. Nice work BDD…NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!
To live here is to loathe that.
Fackin beautiful is awwll I gots ta say-ah about that right there-ah.
Holy fuck.
There is no doubt that Tommy has relatives in Lowell, MA.
Damn, when I read the lead-in, I thought this was going to be a story about Sexual Rexual Grossman.
But Tawmmy will do. Tawmmy will do.
/NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AND NAWT YOU
This post made my fucking morning.
Seriously, Ben Affleck and Marky Mark. You’re both from Boston. We all fucking get it. Now knock it the fuck off.
Ahhhh Pats fans, acting like they give a fuck since 2001.
“Tommy O’Leary Fitzkirkgerald Callahan Guinness McFlanagan” will be the name of my firstborn child. Whether it is a boy or a girl.
God it’s great to see Tommy back around here… esp. for something we all hoped for. My kid brother had even started calling The Fighter “Tommy’s Tale”.
I look forward to the day when he meets his Indianapolis counterpart, Southside Derrick.
“Ah toad muh gurfreend Sheena thit if ah sees that Patrit asshoe cum up n here one mor tiim, I’s gon kick th’shit outta his Patrit dick til’ he cain’t even TAPOWT! Ah’s been trainin! GO COATS! GO COOOOOOOATS! C’mon DARRYL! Ah gotta pick uppa 2-leetur fur the baby.”
/lifelong Colts fan
Drew wins the Internet today.
I prefuh to get my crack in Lawrence. Lowell has too many dahkies.
I think the name is Maahky not, Tawmmy
Tommy is the most compelling movie star since Ralph Macchio and the White Shadow teamed up in that remake of Beverly Hills 90210.
“Coming soon to the Natick Mall.”
But not the Montclair cineplex?
FAAAACKIN EXTORTION
How have we never done an I-team on Tawwmmy?
Tommy. Star Quality. You have it.
Ah yes, good ole Low-hell. The cancerous asshole of Massachusetts.
Good Lord… the bar is raised yet again
/slow clap
Peter Travers writes: “Never have I seen one Boston actor strain so hard to make Massachusetts look all tough and shit.”
I knew this was a spoof post when I read this review. Peter Travers could never write something so insightful and profound.
If only you guys weren’t so fugly, you could make videos (fuck SNL and its “digital shorts”). This here entry would make a great video clip. You would totally own youtube for a day. Or a week.
Between Tawmmy and his Christmas post on Deadspin, Drew is on fire.
Look who’s back. Fucking finally.
6 catches for 14 yahhhds…. and I’ve got coffee all over my desk
HouseO to be played by…
I’m done with the Boston movies, what’s the next still white city with an inferiority complex that hometown actors can pimp like they’re president of the local Jaycees?
Ft. Worth? – Nah, everybody who isn’t from Texas doesn’t like Texas.
Portland/Tacoma? – Too smug.
Pittsburgh? – Not depressing enough.
Anaheim? – Too pampered.
St. Paul? – Too cold.
Kansas City? – Too bland.
Milwaukee? – We might have a winner.
It’s just big enough to have some pride left, cold enough and run down enough to be depressing and, thanks to the beer, it has the kind of ingrained culture that dipshit film critics and hacktacular screen writers can wax nostalgic about. I demand pretentious and forgettable Oscar bait moves about crime/boxing/working class life filmed on location in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Are they gonna glorify every part of this fucking state or what? “The ‘Bridge” watch as young talented Harvard economics student tries to overcome a genius from Southie. “The ‘Herst” 3 lesbian women’s studies majors rock west Boston with a string of dining and dashing. “The Chat” out on Cape Cod they only know about Fighting, mid-summer G&T’s, and Lobsters and they’ll be goddamned if you change that. “Chestnut Hill Campus” 4 midwesterners immediately affect fake boston accents and witness their heartbreaking struggle with public transit, alcohol… gravity… if you see one movie about date rape this summer…
I think Tawmmy needs to get in a fist fight to prove his dominance. His opponent? Mick Vick.
@Charlie Sweatpants HOW DARE YOU SAY THE HALEY’S TOWN IS TO BLAND. THERE IS ENOUGH I-ROCS IN THE MIDWEST FOR A TWISTED SISTER REUNION TOUR! ARE YOU CALLING HIS CITY FAGGOTVILLE!?
PATS AHH LEAVIN’ THE WHOLE FACKIN AFC IN THEY-AH REAHVIEW.
“The ‘Herst” 3 lesbian women’s studies majors rock west Boston with a string of dining and dashing.”
Did you mean “The Smith?”
Ow-ah crackheads ahhhh more-ahhh compelling than your-ahh crackheads! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
I love you Drew
Going to another site. I’m leaving this whole thread in my reahview mirror.
Boston SAAACKS ARSE
@DefDude, definitely more appropriate.
PISSAH.
FAR YAH CONSIDERATION: NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU
C’mon Drew, get with it. Lowell isn’t known for the crack and dahkies anymore. Now its just a fuckton of heroin peddling cambodians.
Tommy O’Leary Fitzkirkgerald Callahan Guinness McFlanagan
Where’s the Sullivan?!?
Ahh that felt better then the shit I took this morning
Hey, who wants to see another movie about lower class white people from Boston straining to show they have the same problems as minorities in real cities?????
Nawt you, nawt you, nawt you, nawt you, nawt you, nawt you…ad infinitum.
Any word on The Who making a rock opera out of Tawmmy’s life?
Jon Gruden: This guy here, Tommy, has to be the toughest boxer on the planet.
Jaws: He exudes toughness, Jon, he’s what this sport is all about.
Jon Gruden: I mean, what what he does for bar fighting is nothing short of phenominal. The way he defines Woodhead nation is why I’m going to not only see this movie but love it.
Jaws: Jon, he is Woodhead nation, and Christian Bale is the best crack head since Michael Irvin.
out fucking standing. thanks for the comeback of Tawmmy Drew…you fackin rule
Needs moah dawkies.
Needs more “How do you like them apples” to be a TRUE representation of the Commonwealth.
@Cock Flashy – awesome.
So, has anyone ever actually identified the shirtless bozo forevermore known as “Tawmmy?” (I know it is better that his true identity remain unknown, but I’m still curious. Like your sister.)
Also, those goddamn Yankees fans in the picture exude the kind of unearned self-worth and arrogance that warrants legalized population control. And that kid on the right looks ready for some nosekakke.
If I could deny the validity of your Tawmmy character I would, but alas I cannot. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
“Jon, he is Woodhead nation, and Christian Bale is the best crack head since Michael Irvin.”
FALSE. No one is better at being a crackhead than Michael Irvin.
“HOLY SHIT! CHRISTIAN BALE IS PLAYIN’ MY FACKIN’ BROTHAH! YOU THINK HE DOES THAT FOR SOME FAGGOT YANKEES FAN?”
Bra-fucking-vo
This article was so awesome that even the commenters are funny today.
Except Doug in KC: NAWT YOU!
@ ewok jihad.
best. handle. ever.
bravo
At first I thought this would be Tawmmy complaining that Welkah and Danny Fackin’ Woodhead didn’t get roles in True Grit, but this exceeded that expectation.
Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your broken pint glasses…
Drew, this might just be your masterpiece.
Awesome work Drew – Word of caution fellow readers do not attempt to read while eating Christmas cookies at your desk you will end up with a monitor full of cookie crumbs
+100 THAT WAS FACKIN’ AWWWWWESOME!
And he’s playin’ a crackhead! From Lowell!
If Christian Bale manages to pull off the Laosian/Cambodian look, he’ll deserve any/every award he gets.
Is there any regional accent that sounds stupider/more fake in the movies than Bostonian? From Norweigan-influenced upper-Midwest, to Southern drawl, to laid-back Pacific coast, to New York, none sound more forced and unbelieveable than that Boston HONK. Rather than speech, it sounds like it is delivered via a series of blows.
Fackin’ Awesome, Drew, wish we could clone you and have you improve all the other humor websites.
/wish we had someone as retarded as Tawwmmy in Dallas.
//wait, we do, he just owns the Cowboys.
/// PLEEAASEE Drew, could we have a Tawmmy & Jerruh crossover, Please!
I felt like they made fun of the Irish enough for me to not hate the fighter. His sister’s were rat harpies.
SOMEONE FINALLY GAWT OW-AH ACCENT RIGHT
and it’s about time. It’s been mangled in so many movies. The fighter was spot on.
I am going to watch THE FIGHTAHH tonight just because of this masterpiece. It’s gonna be a 2 hour comedy
You ah fackin pissah. Tell the Ape to head ovah to Alex’s in Stoughton.
Tawmy talks a big game but the first dahkie opponent that steps into the ring with him will cause him to piss his Sam Adams all over his shorts.
I would pay 60 bucks per fight pay-per-view each time to see Arturo Gatti beat the piss out of Tommy.
Three of the greatest fackin bouts evah!
Seriously the 3 Gatti-Ward fights were wicked pissah.
God bless you and Tiny Tim, Drew.
Best Tawmy EVAH!!
Tommy: THIS IS MY FACKIN’ SHAWT AT A TITLE! I WON’T GET ANOTHAH ONE AFTAH THIS! SOME FACKIN’ DAHKKKIE WILL!
Classic