BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anathah mastah heist from my boy Billy Belichick and the legendary citizens of LUNCHPAIL NATION! Thanks for the third roundah, Faggesotah! You would’ve just spent that pick on a headcase dahhhkie anyway!

(places wad of dip under both lips and directly under tongue, holds empty Snapple bottle in crotch as spittoon for four hours straight)

It’s true, America. I am proud to repart that Bawston has finally in love with ow-ah Patriots all ovah again! And it’s about goddamn time! Finally, the Patties ahhh back to playing the hahhd-nosed, blue cawllah style of footbawll that MATCHES OW-AH FANBASE TO A FACKIN’ TEE.

(actually grew up in Greenwich)

This ain’t Hawllywood, people. We fight and claw far everything we have here-ah in Chestnut Hill. USUALLY BECAWSE SOME DAHKIE IS TRYIN’ TO STEAL IT! You dahhkies in Roxbury know you took my JVC cahhhh radio last week! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Face it: we weren’t comfortable with being the glamah team. That does NAWT suit us. Maybe that works far you New Yark faggots. But it’s nawt owah thing. We ahhhn’t a bunch of fancy quee-ahs!

(dreams of one day doing a cameo on Entourage)

We’re REAL! And we’re much mar comfortable bein’ the underdawgs. BEIN’ AMERICA’S SWEETHAHHHHTS! You can’t tell me you don’t love this Pats team! Woodhead! Welkah! THAT NIP WHO BLAWKS KICKS! You can tell me this team isn’t much bettah when they’re-ah winning tight games and bein’ content to outsmahhht everyone else. And we ahhh smahhtah than you!

(failed to get enough credits to earn that phys ed degree from Northeastern)

That’s how we ended up with two first roundahs next year-ah! That’s how we ended up getting a third roundah far that stupid dahkie Mawss! Hey Randy, why don’t you go to Atlanta? PLENTY OF KAWLLAHED GREENS AT THE BUFFET THEY-AH FOR YOU, TOUGH GUY!

And you know what the best pahhht of this is? Finally, NO ONE RESPECTS THE PATS AGAIN. I hear it everywhere-ah I go. “They ahhn’t really that good.” “They gawt lucky.” “They sack, but Tawmmy has great lats.” I hear it awll. Well, you faggots just keep on hatin’. Keep on doubtin’ Billy Belichick. He’s always five steps ahead of you. He’s just like Bawbby Fischah! AND I HEAR HE HATES JEWS TO BOOT!

You watch. 2010 is going to go down as the year-ah of the Lunchpail Nation. We’ve gawt ow-ah Pats back. And did I nawt just watch ow-ah Basketball Woodheads clawwbah LeBrawn and his bunch of Miami Cawklickahs? Nice try, LeBrawn, but the path to losing to LA goes through US! YOU GAWTTA DEAL WITH THE FANS IN THAH GAHHHDEN, AND YOU CAN’T HANDLE THAT SHIT! I gawt a name far you and Wade and Candian Rawbert Parrish. THE POINTAH SISTAHS! CAUSE YOU AWLL POINT FINGAHS! BOOM! ROASTED!

(only watched first half of Celtics-Heat game)

And do I even need to mention it? I think I do. A little group of faggots everyone knows called that New Yark Yankees gawt they-ah assholes split by Texas! THE RANGAHS WON FAR THE PRIDE OF BOOTSTRAP NATION! The Sawx come out awn top again! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(sees Bridget Moynahan walk by)

WHOR-AH! WHOR-AHH! JEZEBEL! YOU TRAPPED OW-AH QB, WHO ISN’T AS BIG OF A FAG NOW THAT HE’S WINNING GRITTY GAMES AGAIN! YOU AHH A SLUT! I INSULT YOU FAR THE PRIDE OF MASSACHUSETTS, YOU SPERM-STEALING OLD MAID! YOU AHHHN’T EVEN THAT HAWT! MAYBE I’D LET YOU BLOW ME BUT YOU’D GET NOTHING IN THE BISCUIT!