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I apologize that the mailbag is dropping after 5:00 Eastern once again, but we had some long-winded (and depressing) entries that I felt needed inclusion this week. So use the bathroom now, because this bad boy clocks in at almost 5000 words.

Master of Punts and Poon,
Fantasy: Yahoo standard league scoring playing QB, 2WR, 2RB, TE, 2 Flex, K and D. I have a nightmare QB situation with Vick and Romo and then I have picked up Bradford. Bright side of that mess is I am stacked at the RB position: MJD, Arian, Bradshaw and J Stewart. Was proposed a trade that will bring me Rashard Mendenhall and Sims-Walker for Vick. I am tempted to take it, run with Bradford for the rest of the year and just start 4 RB every week. Not a fan of Walker but I do have Ocho, Welker and Macklin currently.

Sure, I guess that works. But I’d look into flipping one of those RBs for a better QB.

Sex: Unlike all the other “I just moved to a new city where do I meet people” inquiries you get I am hoping to just cut to the chase and ask you guys for help getting me laid literally. Transferred to suburban hell from NY for my job and not even unpacked, so I met up with some new work colleagues to watch football this Sunday. Cute friend of the bartender showed up after the early games and ended up sitting beside me. Found out she works part time at the bar, they got busy and she pitched in. She was really busy but still showed interest and struck up conversation when things died down for her about my Jets jersey. I was impressed with her football talk and we eventually got on Rex Ryan. Then she introduced me to the mecca of win that is KSK and I have to say I was in TEARS at the first Ryan post I read. I was that guy laughing out loud in the bar. I have honestly spent more time reading back posts than I have unpacking and I must say to you all BRA-FUCKING-VO. A clusterfuck ended up happening and we had to leave before getting her name-number. We went back for MNF but she was not working I did leave my number with the bartender on duty and she said she put it on the board. I promise I am no David Berkowitz, so call me. I know she reads you guys, so I’m hoping you can help a brother out.
Thanks,
WD

Done and done. The onus is now on YOU, cute part-time bartender girl. Assuming, of course, that you’d want to date a man who owns a Jets jersey. *shudder*

**********

Those Guys,
Football: I have just been proposed a trade that I think might give me a good shot at my 12-team league title. He would send me Vernon Davis for Dez Bryant. My starting lineup right now is Vick, Rice, S Jax, Roddy White, Mike Wallace, Moeaki and Gore in the W/R flex spot (K-Folk and Bears D). I think my team is pretty stacked as is, so turning a bench/bye week filler player (Dez) into a top 3 TE is very tempting. I’m just not sure I’m sold on Wallace yet (he’s not getting the targets I’d hoped he would) and Bryant and Kitna seem to work well together. Do I pull the trigger? Do I offer Wallace instead? FYI: rest of my bench is McGahee, Driver, Stafford and Mike Hart and I know he doesn’t want Driver.

Dez and Wallace are going to be similar: they’ll have quiet weeks, and then they’ll blow up when you put them on your bench. Either way, stop overthinking it and pull the trigger on that trade.

Sexy Time: Thanks to my gambling addiction, I won a bet with my gf where the loser has to buy a winner something from our local sex shop (it’s a really nice couples-oriented shop, not a sleazy porn shack). Being a guy, I have no idea what to suggest to her when she asks me what she should get me. At this point, I’ve just said “surprise me”

DANGER! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!

My God, it’s like you’re writing a new chapter of the Bad Idea Jeans commercial. “I didn’t know what to get from the sex shop, so I just told her, ‘Surprise me.'”

and wonder what she could possibly get. While I’ve bought her plenty of fun things in the past, neither of us are familiar with guy-oriented sex toys or whatever they sell there for straight dudes. Any suggestions (preferably in the $20-50 range) would be great.

-This Guy

While it’s true that the best known sex toys are inserted somewhere — and thus not ideal for most straight men — a woman going sex toy shopping for her boyfriend still has options. I admit, I’ve never used a cock ring before, but I’m intrigued by the vibrating version, which can be had for as little as $14.95.

If that’s a little too pedestrian for you, congratulations, you’re the new mayor of Freakytown, and I will happily direct you here for some more ideas. Once you get past all the variations of lube and pocket pussies, you’ll find stuff that may be more suited to couples’ play, like the 20″ thong whip. Or, for the enterprising young Sodomite, how about the anal speculum? Now only $37.95. And here I was, thinking you couldn’t put a price on getting a wider asshole.

**********

Hey Caveman,
No sex, but in lieu of that I provide this sacrificial offer.

See, I enjoy that. Someone didn’t have a requisite half to the sex/fantasy football equation, but he improvised and came up with something that adds to the mailbag. Well done, reader. And ladies: squats are your friend.

One question: how, exactly, is it a “sacrificial” offering? Did you roast that ass on a spit? Because I totally would. I would absolutely murder it.

Fantasy: There is a member of my league who never updates his team, even on bye weeks. The only change he ever made was when the Patriots were on bye to inset Alex Smith for Tom Brady. Although he should die a terrible death for this, other members of the league have enjoyed beating upon on him. This is my week to face him. The commissioner of my league is his son, and we are very good friends. Last night we went out to eat and he said “So do you expect to get an easy win off of my dad?” He originally had Alex Smith, Nate Kaeding, Anquan Boldin and Tony Gonzalez in his lineup. All of those players are either injured or on a bye. Before I could even respond to the commissioners question he explained to me his intentions to change his dads lineup because I am in second place and he needs me to lose. He inserted Brady, Pettigrew (a free agent), Rob Bironas and Pierre Garcon. He has NEVER even mentioned changing his dads lineup against any other opponent and who the fuck changes another persons lineup without permission and makes a free agent acquisition? His dad knows little to nothing about football and left to the Dominican Republic last night, so I know for sure he did not make the roster changes that occurred this morning. I still expect to beat his team as long as Dallas D/ST does not accumulate anymore negative points and Garcon doesn’t get 30 points, but I’m pretty pissed off that my friend took command of his dads team so I could possibly lose. What should I do in response to this situation?

-AssLover32

Duh, talk shit about him all over the league’s message board. Call him out in front of everybody. Point out that he tried to run his dad’s team SPECIFICALLY so you would lose, and it still failed because he’s a bitch-ass cheat of a commissioner.

**********

Hello Once and Future Pimp of the Retirement Home,
Football Question: I am in a big league (16) people. Killed by the Bye Week. Can I get a sleeper pick for a quarterback in Week 9? Options are Cutler, Campbell, Carolina’s two headed poodle, and Cleveland’s crap show.

Well, Mr. Not-Polite-Enough-to-Parenthesize-Matchups, Campbell and the Raiders play host to the Chiefs, while Cutler and the Bears are at Buffalo. As much as it terrifies me to write these words, go with Cutler.

Sexy time: This story is hard to believe so answer it hypothetically if it makes you feel better because I really need the advice. I am a 21 year old college junior and I went to my professor’s office hours to discuss my future with the department (I am in a scholars program where discussions like this are encouraged, blah blah blah). Ten minutes into our talking, she got up to shut the door. She put her hands on my shoulders and runs her hand through my hair. However, there was a knock at the door and she quickly pulled back. Long story short, she asked me to come to office hours next week.

This professor is in her late thirties, maybe early forties, and she is hot. I am not hooking up with frequency in college so I was kind of shocked (and yes, insanely intrigued) that any of this happened. I guess my question is twofold. (a) Should I go to office hours next week per her request? (b) How is this going to play out if do go to her office hours?

Am I looking at sex? Dating? An oral final? (sorry, I had to)
Thanks,
Confused College Student

I appreciate you respecting my bullshit detector enough to suggest I treat this like a hypothetical scenario, because the next edition of your letter belongs in Penthouse, not at KSK.

Anyway, pretending this scenario is real, here are my answers:

(a) Don’t go to office hours. You need to go straight to the dean’s office and report your professor for sexual harassment. There’s a time and a place for sex, but it should never violate the sanctity of the academic world and your education. Nah, I’m just kidding. Fuck her brains out.

(b) How the fuck do you think it’s going to play out? I thought you were in a scholars program.

Anyway, Mr. Liar, assuming that your sexy MILF professor is, indeed, putting her career on the line to make brazen passes at her students, go to office hours next week with a condom and some serious questions about the source material. Keep your expectations low, and let her make the first move.

**********
KSK,
FF – I realize this is probably too late to get into this weeks posting, so I will assume my team already got ass blasted this week due to my incompetence while drafting (Ray Rice, Bradshaw, and Hillis all on byes).

That said, I also have Marshall, Austin and S. Moss for my WR’s. I had Romo and Cutler (@ Buf) and I picked up Palmer (Pit). Neither are great choices due to suckage and/or matchup. Thoughts?

Palmer terrifies me. 350 yards and 4 TDs one week, 12-for-30 with four picks the next. At least with Cutler, you KNOW you’re getting a couple INTs. I guess that means Palmer? Don’t blame me, blame Tony Romo.

Sex – I finished college in May 2009 and moved in with my girlfriend, in October my girl and I broke up a year ago after 4 years. I cheated and deservedly got dumped, I never denied what I did but I was remorseful. I moved back to Ohio. A month later I started the process of trying to fix what I had broken. In March she took me back and I moved back in with her. I work full time at a restaurant while looking for a real job, I have to be at work at 5:30 AM sun-thurs, this means I tend to get to bed much earlier than my gf who has a normal schedule with job in Dupont.

Things were going great until recently. Lately she has taken to staying up until 2 or 3 and texting people (not her girlfriends/ sorority sisters from college either). It’s always one of three guys two of her coworkers and my cousin. I trust my cousin implicitly so I’m not worried about him but the other two I don’t know and have never met them. When I ask her who she’s texting in the evening she’ll lie (ie: I checked the phone) and say it was a female friend. When she does admit to texting them she claims it’s work related. Bull shit (checked phone). This is how the girl I cheated with got started, texting into the night then lying about it. So it’s a touchy subject. I tried bringing it up once and got the “You have absolutely no right to accuse me of anything.” Now, I am exceptionally good at lying (I got caught because I was tired of it and so I came clean) my girlfriend is not and I’ve told her that she shouldn’t be lying to a liar, she’ll get called out.

Oh, for fuck’s sake. *rubs temples*

The first question is, how do I broach this subject without sounding accusatory? Secondly, and possibly more important, is it out of line to deck her coworker if it turns out he is trying to make a move on her?
– Thanks,
Chevy Chase

Oh Jesus, you and your girlfriend are one of “those” couples. The right thing to do for BOTH of you is to break up and move on with your lives, but you won’t because you claim to love each other and already have a long history together. Of course, any hope for a stable relationship is gone because you two don’t trust each other. But you’ll stay together and have dates that turn sour due to jealousy, and you’ll always feel the need to look over her shoulder when she’s texting, and she’ll resent you for doing that because she can do WHATEVER SHE DAMN WELL PLEASES, which by the way is a clear indication that even though she took you back, she hasn’t forgiven you. Ugh.

If you two can’t completely wipe the slate clean, forgive each other, and be totally dedicated to each other — and I’m not sure I’ve seen a post-affair couple who can — then pull the fucking plug, because you’re wasting everyone’s time. Yours, hers, and mine.

**********

God-Like Specimens of Man-
Fantasy first- Normal rules, Non-Keeper league. I have been hounded for like three weeks by a guy trying to get Ray Rice from me. He started off thinking it’d be a fair trade for Jahvid Best straight up, but has now upped the ante to basically any combination of Best, Benjamin Watson, Shonn Green, Mike Tolbert, and Beanie Wells. I’d be crazy to take this, right? The only reason I’m even thinking about it is because I’m 2-5 and my team is awfully disappointing (Cutler, Benson, Ronnie Brown, Ocho, Brandon Marshall). Any bright ideas would be helpful.

Frankly, I think Jahvid Best playing in a lively offense against the relatively weak NFC North is comparable to Rice against the bruising AFC Central. I’d take Best and Shonn Greene for Ray Rice. What do you have to lose? Besides more games, I mean.

Sex, I guess? I graduated last spring and just moved from Minnesota to Boston for a job. Ridiculous accents and obnoxious fans aside, it’s going pretty well (that Moss trade definitely helped with the fans, but I’m sure this won’t get posted til after this weekend’s game so we’ll see how I feel then). Anyway, I’m sure you’ve already guessed what’s coming next. I don’t know anyone, and I live in a pretty quiet suburb. I’ve signed up for a basketball league, but that doesn’t start for a few more weeks and I’m getting a little restless. Being fresh out of college, I’m still looking for a party and am a little sick of drinking alone. I know the general advice is to get involved in activities, but I’m looking for something more specific. I know literally nothing about the area, so if you’ve even visited before you might be able to help.
Thanks,
-OUTSIDAH

YOU MINNESOTA FAGGOTS AHH-UH DISRESPECTING THE GREAT PAHTYIN’ OF RED SOX NATION!!!

I don’t know the ins and outs of Boston that well, but Peter King seems to think it’s pretty great. Check the comments; I’m sure some Massholes will tell you where to go, even though you’re livin’ out in tha subahbs. (Have you considered volunteering? 826 Boston is in need of tutors and shop workers for the Bigfoot Research Institute. There’s a volunteer training session this Saturday.)

**********

Fantasy: Do I trade OchoCinco and cut my losses while I can for Ryan Torain, or do I bet that he will finally come around and start producing?

< Peter King > Syntax, dear reader. Work on it. </ Peter King >

I don’t understand exactly what you’re getting at, because you crammed too much information in a confusing order into one sentence, but I think Ryan Torain is likely to be a better fantasy option than Ochocinco for the remainder of the year.

Sex: I was together with my girlfriend almost a year. I am 32, she is about to turn 31. About 4 months in we began talking marriage. It was an organic thing, and the level of passion was equal on both sides. We professed our love for each other, talked excitedly about the future together. I’ve got numerous emails and cards where she professes her love for me and how excited she it to be my wife. I announced to her my plans to take a holiday job nights and weekends to save up for a ring, because I wanted her to know I was walking the walk and not just talking the talk. She had sat her parents down and told them I was different from all the guys who had come before and she wanted to marry me. She told me throughout the course of our time together it was the best relationship she had ever had, none of the others lasting more than a year. Before me she said was single and lonely, and with me she felt incredibly happy and loved.

Lemme guess: you got married and lived happily ever after.

About two weeks before our first anniversary and two and a half weeks before her birthday, and right after I told her about my plan to get a second job to pay for the ring, she broke it off with me. Told me she couldn’t love me the way I wanted and needed to be loved. I said I always felt loved by her and didn’t feel neglected. She said she woke up with a funny feeling that week that had lasted for a few days that something didn’t seem right, she couldn’t be in a relationship right now, she couldn’t get married, she had to be single. I told her that it sounded like cold feet and jitters, those feelings are normal, and I get scared too at times. She said when I give her compliments and show her affection, she doesn’t feel like that person on the inside. I asked her if she still loved me and she said yes. She said I was everything she ever wanted in a man, but she couldn’t be in a relationship right now. After 15 minutes she got up and left.

I did not sense any drifting or pulling away, she continued to do the little things in the relationship and so did I. I did a lot of reading up on female infidelity and signs a woman is looking to end a relationship, and her recent behavior really did not fit the profile of either female infidelity or somebody who has mentally checked out and was looking for the exits. I’ll spare details for concision.

Too late for that.

Other than sending her a bouquet of her favorite flowers a week afterwards with the message “I love you. I miss you. My heart aches for you.” I have maintained complete radio silence and have not texted, emailed or called to ask her to reconsider. I am not optimistic and am implementing this strategy of no contact to move on and heal, and also because I believe that any chance at reconciliation hinges on her having space and time apart to figure out if this is what she truly wants and starts to miss me. It’s been about two weeks since she broke it off.

I’ve started taking an anti-depressant, started counseling, and spent a lot of time with family and friends so I’m not alone too much. I already exercise regularly, so that’s not something to pick up. She never gave me any ultimatums about problems she had with the relationship, her recent behavior was not noticeably different, and I was truly blindsided by this. I don’t know what sort of lessons to take from this when I don’t know what I did to contribute to the demise of this relationship. I guess my question is if you have any more coping strategies than the ones I laid out, if it is ever wise to contact her or consider the ball in her court, and what I should take away from this experience to become a stronger and wiser person in the future. Thanks.
-The Blind Side

You handled yourself with class and dignity, and you seem to be doing everything right. I wouldn’t change a thing. I can only offer you this insight:

Bitches, man. Bitches.

**********

Hello good sir,
Football first: I’m in a 12-team Yahoo! league with my college buddies. I’m 4-4 and in 8th place right now. The top 6 teams make the playoffs, and in order to establish my superiority as a male among my peer group, I’d like to win this damn thing. I’m set at QB (Peyton), but I’m wondering if I need to make moves at RB and WR. My RBs are Arian Foster, Cedric Benson, and Ronnie Brown. I think Foster can finish as the leading rusher in the league this season, but do you think Benson and Brown are going to pick up their game in the remaining weeks? My WRs are Larry Fitzgerald, Santonio Holmes, Braylon Edwards, Johnny Knox, and Deion Branch. I also have Danny Woodhead because I was a huge fan of him with the Jets (Rudy! Rudy!). Who do you think I should keep, and who would you drop like a terrible diarrhea shit?

As long as Ricky Williams is part of the mix, Brown will continue to frustrate you from week to week. I’d side with Benson, because at least you know he’ll get the touches.

Now, the Sex: My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2.5+ years. Starting sometime last year, like clockwork we argue once each month about the frequency of sex and switching it up in the bedroom. My girlfriend’s content having sex 1-2 times per week. I would like to do it 3, 4, or more times per week given my general horniness level. I am a firm believer that communication is the cornerstone of a solid relationship and that sex is a good barometer of how well the relationship’s going. I also think that we need to “switch it up” and break from routine in order to adapt and grow and be happy as humans — not only in sex, but also our work outs, our careers, every aspect of our lives. Routine makes you old and weak.

I agree with your philosophy, but not everybody is wired like us. For many people, routine is a source of comfort or solace.

I try to talk to my girlfriend about trying new things, trying to understand what she likes, if we can do it at different times of day, in different places, use toys, etc. Just anything to make her enjoy it more and want to have sex more often. She tells me that she’s content with having sex the same way one or two times a week. She’s completely fine with our sex life, and I’m not. It doesn’t seem like she’s willing to work on it, however. She doesn’t see it as a priority because we’re so good in every other aspect of our relationship, and she has orgasms from our same old sex. Her idea of perfect sex: Less than 10 minutes, orgasm, sleep. She views orgasm as the main reason to have sex.

Bad news, dude: your girlfriend is a man.

My idea of perfect sex: An hour or two, getting to know each others’ spots, foreplay, trying new things, talking afterwards. I think the main reason to have sex is to bring yourself closer to another human being.

…and you’re a woman.

Our fights culminated on Saturday night when we were out for Halloween. We were both pretty drunk (I was quasi-blacked out). I had a friend in town visiting. We were taking a cab from one party to another, and apparently I started saying that she’s boring in bed and that I’d rather sleep with past girlfriends who were kinkier. She ended up getting out of the cab and walking to the next party. I ended up seeing her again at the party, but she wouldn’t talk to me. My friend sat with her on a couch trying to calm her down, and in my drunken, pissed off state, I decided to sit next to an attractive European girl and hit on her to make my girlfriend jealous.

“I’ll get out of this hole if I just keep digging!”

After 10 minutes, I came over to my girlfriend, apparently said something rude, and she started crying, slapped me, and stormed out. I was so drunk I tried to hold her back from leaving. Looking back on it, I embarrassed her in front of her friends, and I embarrassed myself. I eventually let her go when some dude dressed as Jesus pulled me away from her. At that point, me and my buddy left the party and went to a strip club. I wasn’t really into it the entire night, but he suggested it. I didn’t get any lapdances, and me and my buddy just sat next to each other talking about other things. Intermittently throughout the night, I started texting my girlfriend mean things like, “Fine, if we’re done, I’ll see you around some time when I’m dating some hottie and you’re out with some loser.” (they weren’t nearly that well-spelled and cohesive).

Long story short, she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, and she’s even changed her Facebook status to “single” (the modern day equivalent of being in the dog house?).

The modern-day equivalent of being single, actually.

I feel like a complete asshole.

You feel correctly!

I love her so much, and I can’t believe I said shit like that. I know being blacked out is no excuse, especially since some of those thoughts must’ve been in my subconscious. I want her back. It’s all I can think about. I want to work on our relationship. I’m willing to do anything. Last night, I camped out outside her door with some flowers. She finally opened the door for me, I started crying a bit and apologized. I left her alone and told her I’d give her as much time and space as she needs. Now I’m thinking that ambushing her at her place wasn’t a good idea. WWCD (What Would Caveman Do)?
Cheers,
No More Woodhead For Me

Trying to patch things up is admirable, and I don’t doubt that your sentiment is true. But the drunken blacked out Mr. Hyde side of you did something you weren’t going to be brave enough to do: recognize a fatal flaw in your relationship, and take steps to end it. Because as much as you say you love your ex-girlfriend now, the nuts and bolts of it is that she wasn’t giving you what you wanted in bed, and you were unhappy and frustrated by it. Enough so that you insulted her, publicly humiliated her, and then taunted her via text from a strip club. Blacked out or not, that’s inhumanly cruel, and you’ve probably done some fair to middling psychological damage to her that will screw up her next couple of relationships.

I respect that you want her back and the chance to make it right, but sometimes in life, things get irreparably broken. Take a look higher up on this page at “Chevy Chase,” stuck with an untrusting girlfriend who may be sowing the seeds of infidelity to exact revenge upon him. That’s what happens when you try to glue a relationship back together. You can see the cracks, and the jagged pieces sticking out are likely to cut someone. You don’t want that.

Let her be. Give her space. If she decides to forgive you, great. If not, let her live her life. You can show her you’re sorry by treating your next girlfriend — one who shares your sexual preferences, I hope — with more respect.