I found some old YouTube clips of Mark Gastineau and Howie Long engaging in some half-hearted promos for NBC’s old Superstars program. The clips aired during NBC’s broadcast of the N.Y. Jets-L.A. Raiders game from September 8, 1985. (31-0, suck it haters) While I’m sure you’re perfectly capable of enjoying these two clips by your own damn self, I’m about to pepper you with wacky commentary. GAME BOOK STYLE.

0:05 – Gastineau won Superstars in 1985, joining the ranks of former champions such as Tom Petranoff, of javelin fame, and water-skiing’s Wayne Grimditch. Gastineau. Petranoff. Grimditch. Throw in Kiki Vandeweghe and that’s pretty much my sports Rushmore Everest DERP.

0:16 – Dick Enberg claims Gastineau has been reading newspaper articles about NBC’s Superstars program. There are at least two things I do not believe about that statement.

0:20 – Gastineau’s braggadocio would be more foreboding without all that dixieland jazz toodling in the background.

0:28 – Howie Long injured his ankle at the Pro Bowl– an athletic contest slightly more dubious than Superstars.

0:42 – Merlin Olsen thinks Gastineau is suppression some “emotion.” That’s what everybody called “roid rage” back in the 80s.

0:06 – I’m glad today’s players don’t wear those old-fashioned big white neck rolls. It looks unnatural for an NFL player to have a toilet seat around his neck– unless, of course, it’s Kyle Orton.

0:10 – Sweet Puma shirt, bro. You just know that in 2004 some hipster pulled that shirt off the rack at a vintage clothing store in San Marino and fell in love.

0:14 – Howie sporting the permed mullet (permullet?)

0:18 – Eulogy! YA BURNT!!!

0:20 – Howie’s benign amusement towards Gastineau’s effrontery indicates that he approves of Gastineau’s choice of pickup truck.

I’m not sure who bested whom in this clash of the wits. However, one of my long-standing beliefs has been confirmed: that ratbastard Pete Rozelle should have let Gastineau play without a helmet. Those magnificently feathered bangs should never have been denied the spotlight.

[ youtubes via ]