Last Week: 8-5
*I missed a couple of weeks because of the wedding/honeymoon, so I’m including the results of my picks pool (15-13) during that time. For what it’s worth, I use the same picks for both endeavors.
OK, I’m back in the full swing of things after a few hectic weeks. The bad news is that I started a pretty intense diet on Sunday, so unlike the surprisingly svelte bulldog above I am unable to belly up to the bar any time soon. Now most people would spend the two months prior to their wedding on this kind of diet, but I’m an idiot. On the bright side, now people won’t look at my wedding picture and and comment on how I’ve really let myself go. Hopefully.
The diet means no alcohol of any kind, or any of my other favorite complex carbohydrates. I’ve lost like seven pounds this week alone, which is probably a bit drastic, but my belt no longer fits, so I care not. So far the hardest parts have been sitting through Redskins and Wizards games sober. If I can pull that off, Thanksgiving should be doable.
/eats oyster stuffing by the handful
On to the picks.
New Orleans -6.5 at Carolina
I don’t expect to win this one, I just can’t bring myself to pick Carolina. God, why do the Saints have to suck?
Arizona +8 at Minnesota
I hate to agree with Rolf, but it’s true. The Vikings are 2-5 against the spread, and Jews control the media.
San Diego at Houston +3
Houston has been struggling, but they’re getting points, they’re at home, and San Diego will figure out some way to fuck it up in the end. And hey, maybe this is the week Antonio Gates loses a limb.
Chicago at Buffalo +3
I think so little of Jay Cutler that I’m actually taking the Bills. The FUCKING BILLS. Jesus, if the Redskins even give serious thought to trading for that shitheel I’m going to…well I’m going to do what I do every year. Bitch about the Redskins ineptitude and pray that they don’t ruin too many of my Sunday afternoons.
Tampa Bay at Atlanta -8.5
That’s a lot of points to cover against a pretty good Tampa Bay team. Nothing Roddy White can’t take care of.
New York Jets at Detroit +4
The Lions are getting a lot of love, and there’s good reason for it. Stafford is healthy, Megatron is a fucking animal, and Ndamukong Suh is dominating people. More importantly, they’re 6-1 against the spread, and they’re still getting more than a field goal at home against an offense that was shut out
week. The Jets will bounce back, but the Lions will stay competitive.
Miami at Baltimore -5
The Ravens are coming off of their bye, and Miami hasn’t beaten an above average team. Unless you count Pittsburgh.
New England -5 at Cleveland
The Browns will win a couple more games this season. This won’t be one of them.
New York Giants -7 at Seattle
The Giants did an incredible job drafting their wide receivers. That really pisses me off.
Kansas City +3 at Oakland
I’m pretty excited for this matchup, and I’m fairly certain that hasn’t been the case the last 20 times these teams have faced off. The best thing about a Redskins bye week is watching games like this on the RedZone channel. It’s a nice break from the stress of being a fan.
Indianapolis +3 at Philadelphia
There is no good outcome here.
Dallas at Green Bay -8
But I can always enjoy another Cowboys loss, even if it means enduring another one of their primetime games. It can’t be much worse than this year’s Treehouse of Horrors, right?
Pittsburgh -5 at Cincinnati
This is the Monday night game? Come on, NFL, you knew the Bengals would go right back to sucking this year. How could you not?
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.