(Redskins vs. Lions, two minutes remaining)

Shanahan: Okay Donovan, this is it. We’re gonna get the ball back. We only got one chance left to win this thing. Can you do it?

McNabb: (eats fried cookie sandwich) DURRRRRRRRR.

Shanahan: My God, you’re eating on the sidelines, man!

McNabb: (mainlines liquefied mortadella) DURRRRRRR SHIN ACHY.

Shanahan: You are not in peak cardiovascular condition, Don. This is bad. AND you failed your shuttle run yet again!

McNabb: UGH, HEARTBURN. FEELS LIKE THROATRAPE.

Shanahan: Look, I need to know that you can run this two-minute offense. Let me see if you can ride this stationary bike.

McNabb: (sits on bike, bike collapses)

Shanahan: What about the terminology? I need to know you can run two plays at a time. Now see if you can remember these two plays: Split Right 187 Razor Strong…

McNabb: Spit Right 345 Tabasco Donkeynuts Chili Pie.

Shanahan: Split Right 187 Razor Strong…

McNabb: Sit Tight Chewbacca, Simon Cowell is Hosting the X Factor.

Shanahan: Dammit! Why don’t you know these plays, young man?!

McNabb: (eats raw sausage)

Shanahan: Oh, this is it. I’m calling in the backup.

McNabb: DURRR BACKUP?

(cannon flies open)

Sex Cannon: DID SOMEONE ASK FOR BACKUP? Because when you back that ass up, Rex Grossman will give it to you long and strong. Watch out, Detroit Metropolitan Area. You are about to experience a massive upswing in your bonerconomy. You unemployed gals in the stands? I got a PLANT JOB waiting for you. I will plant you all fucking night.

Shanahan: Rex, I need to know that you know these plays.

Sex Cannon: Oh, I know them, Coach. I know them like the back of my dick. You just send that Armstrong kid to the back of the end zone. I will outthrow him by at least thirty yards. He won’t catch it, because he sucks. BUT THAT THROW WILL MAKE YOUR SCROTAL HAIR STAND ON END.

Shanahan: Do you know Split Right 187 Razor Strong?

Sex Cannon: Sure do! That’s where I go strong down the field, and then little Matthew Stafford just has to sit there and WATCH while I tie his defense to a bedpost and split its uprights.

Shanahan: Do you know Double Tight 562 Up Burn?

Sex Cannon: Whoa! Double Tight! You got a way with terminology, Coach. Look at this hardon. We’re on the sideline and it’s already at midfield. You tell me Rex isn’t ready to get this offense spurtin’. I can Up Burn you, all right.

Shanahan: Are you in good cardiovascular condition?

Sex Cannon: (flexes cock) This is ALL the heart I need. I can go all fucking night, even with all these people watching. ESPECIALLY with them watching. Dials up the adrenaline. YOU PEOPLE READY TO SEE SOME DEEP BALLS? Hey, when are we gonna sign Moss? You get us double-teaming a defense, that thing will be chewed up like an old snatch by halftime.

Shanahan: Fine. Just go out there and try not to fumble.

Sex Cannon: (goes out, fumbles)

Shanahan: DAMMIT!

Sex Cannon: You see me out there giving them a little foreplay? The Dragon loves to tease!

Shanahan: That’s it! We’re trading up for Andrew Luck.

Sex Cannon: Pftt. Why do that when you’ve got Andrew FUCK right in your lap?