By now, you know that the makers of Chad Ochocinco’s breakfast cereal screwed up and put a number for a phone sex line on every box. But what happens if you dial that number? We found a couple of transcripts from earlier this week.

(phone rings)

Ocho: Yo! This the Ocho sex line. The only sex line that gives you TWO o’s.

Frank: What? Sex line?

Ocho: Mmmm, unnnhhhhh. Damn, girl. You sound FINE.

Frank: I’m not a girl. My name is Frank Smith, and I’m 67 years old.

Ocho: Ha ha! You so funny! I like a girl with experience. For real girl, you got a little fight in ya. Ocho like that. You ready to get BUC NASTY?!

Frank: I thought this was a charity line.

Ocho: Charity can’t work the phones today. She had to take her kid to the doctor and shit. But don’t worry, baby. I’mma gonna make you feel reaaallll good. Now, what are you wearin’? You know what I’m wearin’? A PILLOWCASE.

Frank: This is outrageous. This is supposed to be feed the children.

Ocho: Oooh, feed the children! I like that. Baby, I’m gonna feed YOUR children with my luscious Ocho milk. It’s got Vitamin D. AS IN DICK.

Frank: (hangs up)

Ocho: Damn, I got you off QUICK!

(phone rings)

Ocho: Yo! This the Ocho sex line. We do the 85 here. It’s like a 69, only I’m ridin’ a Segway when I eat your pussy, and you were born without knees.

Tina Russell, four years old: Is this Mr. Ocho?

Ocho: Mmmm. Ohhhh. Oh, girl. YOU DRIVIN’ OCHO CRAZY! HE NEEDS SOME OF THAT SWEETASS TANG!

Tina Russell, four years old: What?

Ocho: Girl, you fine. You have no idea what I’m gonna do to you. I’m gonna fill your butt with hamburger meat. Then I’m gonna watch reruns of “F Troop”. TELL ME THAT DON’T MAKE YOU COME.

Edna Russell, Tina’s mother: WHO IS THIS?!

Ocho: Oh, you want your momma in this shit now? Oof. Ocho’s gotta take his bandanna off for this. Mother and daughter. Y’ALL BE CRAZY!

Edna Russell, Tina’s mother: YOU WILL BE HEARING FROM MY ATTORNEY.

Ocho: Mmmm. Unghhhhh. Ohhh. She as hot as you?

Edna Russell, Tina’s mother: (hangs up)

Ocho: Can’t wait for HER to call back!

(phone rings)

Ocho: Yo! This the Ocho sex line. When I cum, it’s like liquid Starburst.

Tanya: Hey, baby.

Ocho: Oooh! You lookin’ for a good time, girl?

Tanya: You got that right. Ocho, I want a big strong man to do me in all three holes.

Ocho: Oh, you bowl too? I love bowlin’. BETTIS AIN’T SHIT.

Tanya: No, baby. I want you to FUCK me. Hard.

Ocho: Mmm. Oooh. Ocho like that.

Tanya: Yeah?

Ocho: Oh, yeah. Can’t wait to get you home, girl.

Tanya: Tell me more. I’m fingerin’ myself.

Ocho: Girl, you know what I’m gonna do to you?

Tanya: PLEASE. GIVE IT TO ME.

Ocho: I’m gonna grease you with motor oil. Then I’m gonna play with these Legos. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY’RE GONNA BUILD!

Tanya: Legos? The fuck you talking about?

Ocho: Then, just as you’re about to Tampax in ecstasy, I’m gonna spit graham crackers ALL ON YOUR TITS.

Tanya: WHAT?

Ocho: Then you’re gonna watch me do this one poop trick I do, where I poop a green hanky.

Tanya: YOU ARE A FREAK! GOODBYE, CHAD!

Ocho: Another satisfied customer.

(phone rings)

Ocho: Yo! This the Ocho sex line. Only the third local sex line manned by a Cincinnati Bengal.

Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Pacman down wid it. Pacman gon shine. Pacman hurr u like it RAW. Pacman giv it 2 u raw. Gon fuk dat ass till it bleed dry. And then he gon drank. O HE GON DRANK. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till a bitch got dat Death Valley Ass.

Ocho: Don’t call here, dammit! I’m tryin’ to sex the ladies!

(hangs up)

(phone rings)

Ocho: Yo! This the Ocho sex line. If you stain your couch, that shit ain’t my fault.

Marvin: Chad, what are you doing? We have walk through right now. Why are you manning a sex line?

Ocho: Oooh! Oooh, Coach! I didn’t know you were so into the whole dominatin’ thing. YOU WANNA WHIP ME?

Marvin: I want you at the practice facility.

Ocho: At the practice facility? WITH SO MANY PEOPLE AROUND? Damn boy, you crazy!

Marvin: God dammit, will you STOP having phone sex with me?

Ocho: Just as soon as I get you off. Know what I’mma gonna do? I’m gonna tie you to a tire swing and pour gravy on you.

Marvin: You’re a fucking moron.