For weeks leading up to my nuptials, my new wife went on and on about a great surprise she was putting together for my wedding present. I’d never heard of the bride and groom exchanging presents, and I’m still pretty much convinced that it was all an elaborate ruse to compel me to buy her jewelry (it worked). As it turns out, the present was pretty great.

You see, Sarah’s brilliant plan was to solicit well wishes from some of my favorite people (athletes and rappers, naturally), then insert them into the sappy slideshow we presented at our rehearsal dinner. I don’t know if my in-laws are familiar with Chris Cooley, but now they know that he wants me to bang their daughter. Hard.

So thanks to Chris for being a good sport and making everybody laugh. If this is what you get for posting an athlete’s dong on Deadspin then I guess AJ should be expecting a video of the Land Baron sitting on a riding mower any day now.

Continue after the jump for the regularly scheduled sexiness.

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Do you know the hardest thing about coming back home after spending a week on a Caribbean island? Walking out the door and not being surrounded by strangers in bikinis. Jarring.

Check out Bikini Bridge (NSFW) for more.