Brutal, brutal week for me. I got my first “manager-error” loss of the season in Week 6. I don’t mind losing, but when THREE guys on my bench do better than the guys that I started, well, that’s just my own damn fault. It’s much more fun when you can blame the players.

On the love-and-sex side of things, Unsilent Majority’s wedding was a blast. However, about 90 minutes before the wedding was scheduled to start, the hotel’s fire alarm went off. And went off. And went off. Even after they announced that there was no fire, the alarm still went off for FORTY MINUTES. It was maddening.

Later on, I talked to a guy in the elevator who said that he was a guest at an earlier wedding. And the fire alarm went off RIGHT AS THEY WERE EXCHANGING VOWS. Apparently, the bride walked straight back down the aisle and slapped the concierge. Brutal.

Plus side: now you know how to get a refund on your wedding.

Dear Fluid Exchange Facilitators,
Fantasy Football First: From here on out, Thomas Jones or Shonn Greene?

I’m going to approach this as if it’s “I’m going to trade the lesser player” and that you’re not in a week-to-week flex start dilemma. In which case: oof, that’s a brutal choice. Each of your guys plays the opposite role in a similar platoon — veteran getting the TD looks versus up-and-coming stud. The problem is that you have what (so far) looks like the lesser player from both teams: Jamaal Charles looks brilliant but doesn’t get the touches; LaDainian Tomlinson looks brilliant but seems likely to decline over the course of the season. So what do you bet on: Todd Haley’s intellect or LaDainian’s health? Sophie’s choice, pal.

If it’s a keeper league, Greene’s the obvious choice. If not, well… it depends on how much you like gambling. Jones has better numbers and better touches; if you’re conservative, he’s your guy. Greene hasn’t looked good, but he’s got talent and he’s losing touches to a plus-30 RB who looked washed-up a year ago. Honestly, I’d hate to give you my opinion, because it’s a decision I wouldn’t want to possibly be held accountable for.

The lesson, as always, is DON’T DRAFT THOMAS JONES.

Sex Second: I’m 28. I’ve had dozens of sexual experiences and a few girlfriends. But I’ve never laid anyone for the first time without alchoLOL. I haven’t even had a non-young and awkward first-kiss without booze. It’s not that I’m a “get ‘er wasted” kinda guy. It’s more for me. Once I sense the possibility of poon I’ll get shitfaced and then somehow wake up sexed. In the morning I’ll go for two (sober), and sometimes she’ll even turn into a repeat customer.

Well, that’s what I used to do. I had to quit drinking on account of DUIs and hospital bills.

Coy mistresses, those.

I’ve been dry for a year and half. And by dry I mean booze AND pussy. I was in a situation tonight where I know I could’ve banged her if I were drinking. This more than anything makes me want to get the fuck off the wagon. Moderation doesn’t appear to be an option.

How the fuck do sober people get laid?
-BoneDry

Short answer: monogamy.

Long answer: Your email is bullshit. First of all, you’re an alcoholic, okay? You’re an addict. You’re not supposed to drink any more because you’ve proven to be unreliable and dangerous when you’re drinking, and — as you’ve just admitted — you use your alcoholism as a crutch.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with being a recovering alcoholic. What I take issue with is you being a pussy. I want you to take a moment to think about some masculine role models. Do you think Elvis ever said, “I could’ve banged her if I was drinking”? George Clooney? Derek Jeter? Tom Brady before he grew his hair out? Do you think Steve McQueen was like, “Hold on guys, I need another shot if I’m gonna talk to this girl”? FUCK NO. Because those suave motherfuckers all have swagger. Sure, they’re handsome and famous, but when it comes down to it, they’re just human males who have all the same parts as you and me, and — despite Jeter’s best efforts — there’s still a massive surplus of women who they’ll never get around to fucking. So get on it already.

Your little sob story is horse shit. You need to be a man and own your sobriety. A year and a half without a drink is fucking impressive — wear it like a medal. If some asshole gives you shit about not drinking, tell him (or her), “I already did a lifetime’s worth of drinking. I’ll let you catch up.” Granted, some women won’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t drink, but others will be impressed with your confidence and maturity. And those are the ones you can drive home after they’ve had a little too much to drink.

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Meatbags,
First FF; pick two: Larry Fitzgerald (@SEA), Hines Ward (@ MIA), Roy Williams (NYG). I’ve also got Miles Austin (NYG) started if that makes a difference.

I don’t like the idea of starting Roy Williams alongside Miles Austin. Stick with Fitty and Hines.

Sex: I’m 27, living in a college town, and have no idea where to meet women. I’ve never had any luck at bars (despite many failed attempts) and I don’t like online dating. My previous relationships I met through mutual friends or at work. I was laid off over the summer (still looking!) and the majority of my friends have graduated and moved on. Long story short: the well’s run dry. Advice?
Thanks,
Chris

Your friends have the right idea: it’s time to move on. Since you don’t have a job anyway, now’s a great time to search for work in new cities.

**********

Hey Caveman,
Fantasy first: I am in a world of hurt. My fantasy team is 0-6 and I am consistently losing by 20-30 points, it is getting to be a little ridiculous. My problem is at running back where I wasted a second round pick on Shonn Greene (BYE) I also have Brandon Jackson (MIN), Ronnie Brown (PIT), Marion Barber, and Green-Ellis (@SD) I play in a two RB league with a flex and I have Crabtree (@CAR) in the flex. Who of this dreadful RB crew should I start this week?

Ugh, what a horrid set of options. I’d say Jackson and Brown, because you’re “Runnin’ on Empty”! HA!

*shoots self*

Sex: I am an old fashioned guy when it comes to women, I suppose you could say chivalry is more my style. That is not that I do not enjoy a good one night stand every once in a while (what heterosexual male doesn’t), but it just isn’t my preferred way to meet women. I’d rather establish a relationship and then fuck. I struggle balancing my desire for a connection with my desire to get laid and I find my self falling into the proverbial “friend zone” more times than not. I am not a virgin but I have not exactly been on a hot streak recently. I find it difficult to met women that share my old-school approach to relationships. Any suggestions on this balancing act?
Thanks,
Winless and Single

Chivalry: UR DOIN IT WRONG.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being chivalrous; in fact, it’s an admirable practice, and most women still appreciate simple acts of courtesy like opening doors for them and having your coat around their shoulders when there’s a chill. But now, women generally have at least one gay male friend who’s capable of performing chivalrous acts for them when they go watch Sex and the City 2 together, so the tropes of chivalry have been stripped of sexual meaning. (IT’S ALL THE GAYS’ FAULT!)

Think back on the roots of chivalry: the knights who laid their capes over puddles for fair damsels also had a fucking SWORD to kill any dude who besmirched their honor. Today’s women aren’t all that different from those of Camelot: they appreciate the kind acts of chivalry, but they also need reminders that you’re a virile man capable of manly acts like killing things and impregnating her — signs that tell her the only reason you haven’t already dragged her by the hair back to your cave is that you’ve momentarily tamed the bottomless well of testosterone coursing through your body.

Now, I’m NOT saying you need to act tough or pick fights or any of that stereotypical male bullshit. But you should infuse your chivalry with clear signs of sexual interest: the next time you hold open a door for a girl, guide her through it by placing your hand on the small of her back. Or if you’re feeling saucy, give her ass a squeeze.

**********

Afternoon fine sir.
Sex: After recently breaking up with my girlfriend, I’ve been going on a bit of a streak of hooking up with girls. One weekend I met with a bunch of co-workers and met one particularly attractive one, whom I have never seen before. Long story short, afternoon drinking turns into evening drinking which turns into drunken making out and fooling around. Turns out this girl is one of those that likes it rough, like “slap my ass, bed shaking, direct me as to what you want me to do” rough. Now, this is a tremendous turn-on, but I’m not sure how rough is too rough or where the limits are with this girl. We’ve only hooked up twice and haven’t sealed the deal yet. I guess I’m asking for advice as to how to make sure she gets what she wants from me without being TOO rough too soon and freaking her out.

Keep it to hair-pulling and light spanking for now, with maybe a little nipple-pinching. Some women enjoy being hit or acting out rape fantasies, but for obvious reasons, you should let the woman take the initiative on those kinds of acts.

Bonus spanking picture!

FF: Peyton Manning has a bye week and I need to pick up a QB for this week. Could Sam Bradford possibly be productive again or should I try Colt McCoy?

Many thanks,
Craig

Yeesh. Your alternative to a promising but unproven rookie QB on a bad team is a MORE unproven rookie QB on a WORSE team? Can’t you pick up Josh Freeman (vs StL) or Matt Hasselbeck (vs Ari)? Yahoo projects both of those guys to have better weeks than either of the rookies in your sights.

**********

Illustrious Internet Volunteer Life Coaches:
Football: I need two of these three in a PPR league: Fred Jackson (@ BAL), J Stewart (v SF), and/or Hightower (@ SEA). Damn bye weeks to hell.

Hightower and Stewart. All other things being equal, choose the guys with NFC West opponents.

Sex: I am happily married to my loving wife, and the sex is great. But due to childhood illness, she has a weakened immune system, which means she is prone to everything from colds that won’t go away to repeating skin infections. As much as I’d love to bump & grind with sinus drip and pus, I usually find myself jerking it 80% of the time.

Wow.

You must love her very much.

My wife doesn’t care that I’m slinging my own flesh trebuchet. She has a problem that I’m doing it in the most comfortable place in the apartment – on the living room couch. But I’m not sitting bare ass on the couch, I don’t leave a mess – I’m meticulous in my self-pleasuring habits. She thinks that the location itself is uncouth. Am I right to insist on having a happy place to have my happy time, or should I tuck my tail between my legs and find another place in the apartment (or elsewhere for that matter)? Side note: for reasons unbeknownst to me, I have some sort of mental block for jerking it in the shower, so that’s out.
Sincerely,
Slinging it in Seattle

I hear ya, man. I totally understand having a comfortable place to whack it and keeping the area clean, but all things considered, your wife is being pretty cool with knowing and accepting (and being responsible for?) your masturbation habits. But marriage is about compromise: use the bedroom. All in all, “don’t jerk off on the couch” is a pretty small thing to ask for, along the lines of taking your shoes off when you enter a home.

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Gents still hungover from UM post-bachelor party,
FFB: I’m in my first year playing, and I’m 5-1. While this is great, I know it is complete fraud, just like most everything else out here in L.A. My opponents have put the fewest points in the whole league, with the next lowest 60 points higher. I’ve let the Foster (HOU) – Jackson (STL) – Charles (KC) trio & Megatron + Floyd carry me this season. Most of my roster besides them has been a revolving door. (Have started Stafford, Ryan, Vick and Gradkowski at QB, just hoping to get something decent at the position). I’ve worked the waiver wire well, but I just feel that I’m getting lucky. (The worst thing I did was draft Berrian, who I’ve dropped)

What should I do to help bolster my chances to prove that this start wasn’t a fluke? Should I try to trade for a decent, steady QB or just keep on doing what I’ve been doing and hope I keep timing the pick-ups right?

Guys like Ryan and Stafford (and Vick when he was healthy) are perfectly suitable for a team that has strong running backs like yours. I’d stand pat.

Sex: Just found out that the girl who I’ve been dating for the past month is a fan of the same team as all of my ex-girlfriends. This wouldn’t be an issue except that team is 1500+ miles away from Los Angeles. I have lived in L.A. the whole time, so I cannot figure out why I end up with that team’s fans. Is it fate? Or is it my exes plotting revenge?
-The Zenyatta / T.O. Love Child (due in 11 months)

L.A. doesn’t have its own NFL franchise, so it’s naturally a city of other cities’ fans. If the team in question is the Cowboys or Bears or Steelers, it’s nothing out of the ordinary — those people fill the cracks of American cities better than cockroaches. I’d only be worried if you found yourself always dating Rams fans. That’s a sure sign of an evil conspiracy.

**********

Dear Sirs-
FF: I need to start two of the following three at my 3rd WR and flex positions: Mario Manningham (@DAL), Michael Jenkins (vs. CIN), Brent Celek (@TEN). It’s a 1pt PPR league.

Celek and… *flips coin* Manningham.

Sex (kind of): For the past few months (or years really), the biggest stresses in my life were my job and my relationship (started at 19, I’m 24 now). I recently quit both – the job two weeks ago, the relationship about two months ago. On the job front, I’m somewhat looking for jobs, but most likely headed to grad school in January. On the dating side, I’ve actually been quite successful, especially considering my girlfriend had been the only girl I had ever been with. Two part question:

1) Am I an asshole for starting to date again so soon? Is this going to blow up in my face in some way I’m not foreseeing?

No, you’re not an asshole. But that doesn’t mean it won’t blow up in your face. This is especially likely if you’re dating more than one girl at the same time.

2) When and how do I bring up the job/life situation to girls I’m interested in? So far, I haven’t told any of them, but I’m lucky in that I have enough money saved up to get me through about a year, and I am definitely happier this way, so it’s not as bad as it sounds.
-No Job, No Woman, No Cry

It’s not bad at all. “I quit my job and I’m taking some time off before I start grad school this winter.” It’s not like you’re living in your parents’ basement.

As for telling your new flames about your ex, well… don’t. Obviously, you shouldn’t hide your history from anyone you’re seeing, but you don’t need to bring up your ex in conversation unless she’s a footnote or a background character in a story you’re telling. Think of it this way: how much do you want to hear about your date’s ex-boyfriend?

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Dear Capt. Obvious,
I’m sure I will be ridiculed for this question, but here it is anyways. I have received a trade propsal for Latoe. They would send me Marshawn Lynch and Mike Wallace for him. I take this trade, right? The only reason I have hesitancy is that he has been my one consistant scorer at the RB position. My other RBs are MJD and Jahvid Best. Not bad, but Mojo is killing me!

I like the idea of selling high on Tomlinson, but I’m not in love with that trade. Lynch’s role in the (pretty lousy) Seahawks offense is still unclear, but it looks like a time-share with Justin Forsett. And Mike Wallace is an explosive deep threat, but he hasn’t really been a consistent force this year.

However, IF you’re banking on ANY of the following things:

  • Tomlinson’s performance declining as he gets banged up during the season
  • Lynch putting up numbers against a soft schedule
  • Wallace blowing up now that an All-Pro quarterback is throwing to him

…then it’s not a bad trade. It’s definitely ballsy — you’re selling high AND buying low — but if it works, you’ll look like a genius. I’ll keep my finger crossed for you.

Lack of SEX: I wouldn’t be writing in if I had a problem with too much!

Ay-yo! Tip your waitress, people.

So, I hooked up with this friend of a friend over spring break. We had alot of fun, got along great, and stayed in contact with each other for a while after she went back home. Half way across the country. We even had discussions about trying to make it a more legit thing, even tho long distance sucks.

Skip to a month later, and she just stops talking to me. No emails, no text, no facebook chats, nothing. And it is just out of the blue. So I get a little weirded out by this, figure she must have gone back to an old boyfriend or something and she just ripped the bandaid off quick, so that it didn’t drag out into a long ugly mess. It sucked, but it wasn’t the end of the world.

Well, I got drunk one night a few weeks ago, and sent her an email, asking what happened, and professing my inability to get her out of my head for the last 6-7 months. I get a response back saying that she promised she would give me an answer, but couldn’t right now. She wasn’t in a place to do it. That she had thrown up numerous times thinking of what to tell me.

Intrigue!

Long question: WTF? Now i wonder if there is the possibility of a mini me about to come forth, or she gave me super-aids, or something equally terrifiying. Can you give me a reason why I shouldn’t think this way? I’m an idiot, right?

Well, she was throwing up…

I’m sure it’s fine. But I think you’re justified in emailing her back and saying, “Hey, I respect whatever your situation is right now, but cutting me out without an explanation was unfair, and if your lack of communication has ANYTHING to do with sexual health or a pregnancy, then you need to tell me immediately.”

By the way, Indiana girls who’ve come to Colorado are pretty good looking. I’ve met three, and all are pretty hot. Just thought you should know that I have met the exception to that rule!
Obviously my life is ruined,
Swarthy Quadroon

Yes, Indiana girls who leave Indiana for states that prefer outdoor activity to eating biscuits and gravy at Cracker Barrel tend to keep their looks. You have met zero exceptions to the rule.

**********

El Capi-tan,

Football question first, quick and easy (not unlike Mama Caveman). Please pick 2 of these 3 WR: Dez vs. NYG, Breaston @ Sea, Manningham @ Dal. Also pick 1 of these 3 RB: Jacobs @ Dal, Knowshon vs. Oak, Ivory vs. Cle.

Sit Breaston, I guess. And start Christopher Ivory. Fucking Ivory. Last week — before he averaged something like 10 yards a carry — I was sure he’d clear waivers and I could get him as a free agent. He didn’t, and I’m still living in a world with C.J. Spiller as my third running back. Dammit.

My other question is more of a ruling on a guy code infraction than sex advice. I broke up with my long-term girlfriend about 3 weeks ago and, as this column has discussed before, I have been drinking a lot and have spent most nights out on the town arguing with her over text instead of trying ot get some strange. I finally snapped out of it last weekend and tried to secure some of the rebound action I deserve.

While out with my roommate and his twin brother, I started talking to a nice, classy young lady with a respectable profession (WR in the Lingerie Football League, no joke).

Awesome. I love it when we get football in the sex questions.

I had been talking to her long enough for there to be no doubt that I had dibs on her before I went to the bathroom and came back to find my roommate talking to her. He’s very loud and basically boxed me out the rest of the night, dominated the conversation and completely committed the robbery. I told him the next morning it was a douche move but I received no apology. Since then he has been hooking up with her almost every night, not-so slyly sneaking her in and out of the house and lying to me about who it is and what he’s doing.

It’s important to note that he’s a very close friend (I grew up with the twins) and also that he is a giant man-whore/asshole who is constantly juggling 2 or 3 girls while lying to them and talking my ear off about what he should do about them. I honestly couldn’t care less about the girl, it’s more of the principle of the thing. I can’t help but feel betrayed. He’s never done this to me before (not that he’s had the chance since I was tied down), clearly isn’t hurting for girls, and knows I just broke up. Both my brother and his brother think I should kick his ass. Our third roommate thinks I’m overreacting. It’d be good to get an outside opinion.
Sorry about the length,
Cockblocked

Let’s see what Maury’s audience thinks about this. Should the asshole friend be forgiven?

Your third roommate probably just doesn’t want conflict between his other two roommates. I’m sorry to tell you, but this “very close friend” isn’t your friend at all. The combination of asshole stunts he pulled is so douchey it’s almost impressive:

  • Not being your wingman less than a month after your breakup.
  • Cockblocking you and taking home the girl you were talking to.
  • Not apologizing about it.
  • Lying to you about continuing to hook up with her.

None of those are things that friends do. You need to work out a new housing situation ASAP. Depending on who signed the lease, you need to either kick him out or find your own place to live. But not before you sell some of his stuff on Craigslist and keep the money.