Well, well, well. Anathah Awktobah is upawn us. I feel a little chant coming awn, I do believe. How’s that chant go again? Oh, yes. Yes, I remembah now…

FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!

Do you New Yark faggots really think you can win anathah Warld Series with Old Man Jetah hawbblin’ around the base paths? I BEG TO DIFFAH! And A-Rawd still slapped the bawll like a faggot in 2004! I SAW IT WHEN I WAWTCHED FOUR-AH DAYS IN AWKTOBAH FAR THE SIXTH TIME LAST NIGHT!

You think you stand a chance when the legendary MEN OF THE SAWX THAT AHHH RED AHHH NAWT IN THE PLAYAWFFS TO HELP ELEVATE YOUR-AH GAME? You people ahhh as naïve as evah! Let me tell you cawkgawbblahs something about how baseball works…

(catches something out of the corner of his eye)

What was that?

(looks again)

(buys 37 Woodhead jerseys for his 37 siblings)

(“Dream Weaver” plays in Tommy’s head)

(rainbows shoot from Woodhead’s asshole)

DANNY WOODHEAD IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHAWT IN THE AHHHHHM THIS GREATRIOT TEAM NEEDS! HE IS OW-AH FOOTBAWLL PEDROIAH! I can feel it! I always know a playah is special when I know I’ll tell my grandkid that I gawt to wawtch him compete! THAT IS DANNY WOODHEAD! I dunno. There-ah is something about this kid that’s special! I can’t put my finger awn it!

Oh yeah. I know. HE’S NO DAHHHKIE!

Finally, a great white running back to cawll ow-ah own! WE DESERVE THIS AFTAH WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CELTICS! Danny Woodhead is a folk hero! A legend! ONLY IN BAWSTON COULD HIS STORY BE TOLD!

(would never say the same thing about Kenneth Darby)

I always thawt Welkah was ow-ah non-dahkie Troy Brown. And now, finally, we have TWO non-dahkie Troy Browns! That is just the kind of great chemistry this team needs! You do NAWT win championships with selfish dahkie wideouts. You can only win titles with GRIT and SCRAPPINESS and awll of the qualities of Bawston you saw while wawtching THE TOWN! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(dips)

Now that we have good ol’ Woody here-ah, we do nawt need that cornrowed jungle monkey Randy Mawss on ow-ah team! THAT MAN IS A CANCAH! CANCAHHHH! We would have awbviously won Supah Bowl Farty Two and gawne 19-0 if we had simply shipped that dahkie back to the Cawngo and had a running back like ol’ Woody on ow-ah side! TYREE NEVAH WOULD HAVE LUCKED INTO THAT HELMET CATCH IN THE FACE OF DANNY WOODHEAD’S TOUGHNESS!

(too stupid to like Coen Brothers movies)

I look at these Pats now and I see a real TEAM! BRADY! WELKAH! WOODHEAD! EDELMAN! It’s a dream cawmbination! My fathah has been waiting far a team like this evah since the Civil Rights Movement! He nevah thawt he’d live to see it! NOW HE CAN DIE IN PEACE!

I think America will grow to love this Pats team once they see them in action. It’s a real unit now. No egos. No sulking. No dahhhkies complaining far more-ah money! What were-ah you gawnna spend yar money awn, dahkie? RIMS AND CHILD SUPPART, THAT’S WHAT!

Randy Mawss nevah undahstood what it takes to be a true Greatriot. He nevah understood what we, THE LEGENDARY FANS OF FACK THE YANKEES NATION, demand of ow-ah players. He was nevah one of us. SO FACK HIM! I HOPE HE DIES! Belichick is, once again, a genius far shipping him out at just the right time! BILL GETS US. Danny Woodhead is ow-ah new hero!

FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!