When we last left Patriots VP of Media Relations Peter King, he was a columnist on a wire! Giving you the crucial news you need, including only the choicest Barbara Billingsley quotes, which teams are MORE THAN ALIVE (XXLIVE!), and how Charley Casserly uses scoops without attribution. REAL HEAVY SHIT. We also learned about alternate universe Hall of Famer Deion Branch, what makes Big Ben smily, and which major American city deserved Peter’s praise. Way to go, Billings. Your town has some of America’s best car scenery.
So what about this week? Will the NFL’s remorseless culture of hitting be allowed to continue unfettered? Did a dirty JAP ruin Peter’s otherwise peaceful Acela ride?
j. Will there be randomly placed letters and completely inappropriate uses of bullet points?
Today will be filled with Favre-versus- Childress prattle, after the head coach questioned his quarterback (“You can’t throw it to them,” Childress said, adding: “You can’t give seven points going the other way, not in a game like this”), with the quarterback adding: “I’d agree with that too — after the fact.” Zing!
Sure, anyone can criticize my interceptions IN HINDSIGHT. But when I threw that pick-six at the time, surely there was no braver or more daring course of action.
Now, the question today will be whether this is going to turn into an all-out war between Childress and Favre. Maybe, but I doubt it. Each guy is too smart for that.
Too smart? Maybe if you majored in First Grade in Smartology 101.
Childress was emotional last night
Pretty incompetent for someone in the middle of something emotional.
thinking the refs cost him a touchdown (on the reversed Visanthe Shiancoe touchdown catch) and thinking Favre continues to play like his own man in an offense that cries out for following the script.
Incidentally enough, I have a copy of Childress’ usual game script right here.
1) RUN UP THE GUT
2) RUN UP THE GUT
3) 17 MEN ON THE FIELD PENALTY
5) 16 MEN ON THE FIELD PENALTY
6) TWELVE-STEP DROP. SOMEONE’LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT, BY GAR!
My biggest question this week is whether Favre’s health will end up being a bigger issue than his decision-making.
If Favre has his way, it certainly will. But you pro Favrologists knew that already.
He looked 61, not 41, at the end of that game last night.
I know! I thought the use of arm crutches while on the phone to the booth was a bit much.
The day started with more reporting about the Favre/Jenn Sterger story and ended with Favre limping like Walter Brennan up the tunnel after a 28-24 Green Bay win over the Vikings, and no doubt questioning why he let those three Vikings buddies convince him to leave the family farm in southern Mississippi two months ago.
So true. It’s totally their fault for forcing poor Bretty to come back AND PISS THE FUCKING GAME AWAY LIKE A GODDAMN COUNTRY FUCK.
For this? For 2-4?
I coulda been a huntin’!
For an embarrassing game on the Lambeau sod in what is quite likely his last trip there?
And to think, all this time he could have been strolling the meadow, WORKING THE LAND, being just a guy, the way he’s always wanted. Don’t you see what you’ve done, Minnesota? Don’t you see how cruel you are for making this poor man come back and fail so miserably? Really, aren’t YOU the ones throwing all those picks? This poor man is semi-decimated! He didn’t want this! He just wanted to ride his tractor and show you his doodle! WHY COULDN’T YOU LEAVE HIM BE?
Okay, enough of Brittfar. Let’s talk about some real issues, like FUCK THE STEELERS.
I think (the refs) made the right decision near the end of the (Steelers) game. When Ben Roethlisberger lunged for a touchdown at the one and fumbled at the goal line, the officials at first ruled that Roethlisberger had crossed the plane of the goal line and scored. Once a touchdown was ruled, they’re not going to police the fumble recovery; no need to, because the touchdown supercedes it.
Well, there would have been a need to police the recovery if they had, you know, SEEN the fumble. But it’s true. They already fucked the call. Who needs to be diligent after fucking up so egregiously, AMIRITE?!
Steratore ruled the ball came loose from Roethlisberger, but absent evidence that the ball changed hands, gave possession back to Pittsburgh. Looked fishy, to be sure, but what other call could you make?
You could make the correct call upon first sight? Call me nutty.
Mike Martz likes to throw the ball downfield and Jay Cutler likes to take chances.
Put them together? MAGICNESS. This could work out, or it could EXPLODE.
There might be six or seven AFC teams who’d be favored against any team in the NFC on a neutral field right now.
And that spells big trouble for the NFC. Because this year’s Super Bowl will be played in… you guessed it: WICHITA.
If Donovan McNabb can pick up his game and Washington’s receivers can stop dropping it so much, the Redskins might have as good a shot as anybody.
If the Redskins can stop being the Redskins, they could be AWESOME.
2. New York Jets (5-1). The Jets come back from the bye to face Green Bay at home, then Detroit and Cleveland on the road.
Killer insight. Let me tell you a little factoid about the Jets: They’re going to play more games against other teams. GET IT WHILE IT’S HOT. Will they take the Acela? Let’s hope so!
5. Baltimore (5-2). Head coach John Harbaugh is right. He found some fault with just about everything the Ravens did Sunday against outmanned Buffalo. But in January, when the Ravens host a playoff game, all anyone will remember from the ugly Week 7 conquest of Buffalo (and I use the word “conquest” very loosely) is the W.
It’s true. No one will remember this ugly win when the Ravens host a playoff game in January, mostly because they WON’T host a playoff game because they’ll be a wild card and they won’t win in the first round.
6. Indianapolis (4-2). Good thing the Colts had the bye this week. Peyton Manning went to Lourdes, from what I hear, and brought back some holy water for his battered receivers.
WHY DID YOU COLTS FANS BEG PEYTON TO PLAY THIS YEAR? DON’T YOU SEE IT TORTURES HIM TO BE AROUND SUCH ABJECT FAILURE?
7. Atlanta (5-2). There’s no really good team in the NFC. I’m not sure which one is the best.
Except for Atlanta. They’re the best. Or perhaps Boise State.
New York Giants (4-2).Hakeem Nicks (hamstring) questionable for tonight. The Giants are going to have to score some points to stay with Dallas.
Or they could do what everyone else does against Dallas: Wait for the inevitable 56 penalties and two backbreaking Romo picks. Otherwise, those Cowboys are crazy dangerous.
Heal, Hakeem, heal.
Whirlpool, Hakeem Nicks. You should bathe in one. WITH ME.
Green Bay (4-3). Talk about a momentous win, beating Favre, at Lambeau, with the old man dragging the Vikings downfield toward a possible winning touchdown in the final seconds. Almost made me forget how someone has kidnapped the chemistry between Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings. Come on. Bring it back.
KIDNAPPER: Peter, I am a kidnapper. I have kidnapped Aaron and the Professor’s chemistry.
KIDNAPPER: I demand a ransom. A hefty ransom, for kidnapping chemistry is not easy. It isn’t easy to kidnap something that cannot be defined or explained, but that you know the Steelers possess IN SPADES. Because they cheat.
PETER: What do you demand?
KIDNAPPER: First. You must run… another half marathon!
PETER: No! No! I don’t know that difficult physical acts like that can actually be done.
KIDNAPPER: No matter. If you wish to have the chemistry back, you will run. AND YOU WILL CARRY THIS BLOCK OF CONCRETE CYANIDE WITH YOU.
15. Minnesota (2-4). I know. How can a 2-4 team be here over the Saints, Bucs or Seahawks? I give you the power of the column.
TASTE ITS POWER.
Okay. New Orleans.
I’m not right.
No, you certainly aren’t.
You’re not right.
Yes, I am. I really am. Favre is ASS.
Big-Hit Quote of the Week I
“Let’s face it: It’s inevitable that someone’s going to get hurt really bad out there. When? I don’t know. But it’s going to happen.”
Dallas linebacker Keith Brooking, to me, about the near futility of the league’s efforts to police the helmet-to-helmet and other violent hits.
Someone will DIE out there. When? I do not know. But there’s a legit 40% chance of it happening somewhere in a vaguely defined time period of one to 583 years.
In the NBC viewing room, you can tell when something big’s about to happen
Because it’s usually an hour after I’ve come back from California tortilla and then the rumblin’ begins.
Kenny Britt, WR, Tennessee.
Britt had to sit (hey, that rhymes!)
Give this man a grant from the March of Dimes!
David Bowens, LB, Cleveland.
The career journeyman, in the span of 29 minutes, picked off Brees twice and returned both to the house. I can guarantee you that no stranger sentence will ever be written about the career of a backup front-seven player. Drew Brees gave Bowens two pick-sixes, from 30 and 64 yards. Beyond amazing.
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me
In the past 365 days, the Titans are 13-4 and the Broncos 4-13.
My God. They’re footballindromes!
A year ago today, Denver was 6-0 and Tennessee 0-6.
That was also the day LINCOLN WAS SHOT.
You see which way each is heading. (Even weirder, the now-sinking Broncos beat the now-rising Titans 26-20 in Week 4 of 2010.)
And it was a full moon that night! And a tornado hit central Oregon! And my dog took a green shit! OMINOUS PORTENTS, THESE.
Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week
Another fun ride on the Acela on Saturday morning from Boston to New York.
What, you drive a car? You repulse me.
Actually, it was all good, a quiet ride through fall-foliageville
Right next to Treestalk City.
until a young couple…
Wearing Uggs and playing their GameStations!
got on the train in Stamford. In the next 50 minutes (I counted)
Did you really not have anything better to do?
she had four glasses of Cabernet, he had three scotch-and-waters.
whilst I had a relatively meager eight Heineken Lights.
As we approached New York, her glass empty (I mean, how can you drink maybe 16 ounces of wine at 10 in the morning in less than an hour — what a feat!), the 25-ish gal
looked over at a ball field as we rolled through New York. A football team in green jerseys was practicing.
“IS THAT THE JETS?” she shouted, drawing the attention of everyone in the car. “OHMYGAWD IS THAT THE JETS? JETS PRACTICE? THAT IS MY FAVORITE TEAM! I LOVE ME SOME JETS!!!! IF THAT’S THE JETS I LOVE THEM!”
I know you’re asleep now, Miss. But those weren’t the Jets. The Astoria Jets, maybe. But not your Jets.
Because Amtrak trains pass through Astoria all the time.
/knows surprising amount about NE Corridor train service
/(CORRECTION: Except that it DOES run thru Astoria)
Has anyone else noticed that Peter King has NEVER had a peaceful ride on Acela? There’s always someone, you know, TALKING to annoy him. But for real, it’s the only way to luxury travel in America. UNLESS ONE OF THESE YOUNG RAGAMUFFINS SHOULD FIND A WAY TO HIJACK MY RAILS.
Buy a fucking iPod, fella.
d. Ryan Fitzpatrick. He’s the second-highest rated quarterback in the NFL. That is not a misprint.
Again, the “this is not a misprint” meme needs to go away forever. Cleveland beat New Orleans. NO YOU AREN’T DREAMING, FELLA! THE WORLD DONE GONE KRAYZEE!
e. Michael Turner, whom we take for granted.
If only I’d texted him more often.
I think Brad Childress will be donating to the league’s charitable causes, and soon. “Worst officiated game I’ve seen,” he said after Sunday night’s 28-24 loss to Green Bay.
It is Brad’s understanding that refs are supposed to throw your challenge flag FOR you.
I think, after talking to the attorney of Jenn Sterger on Sunday, I’d be a little worried about liability in the case of Favre-Sterger if I were the New York Jets. Attorney Joseph Conway and Sterger’s manager, Phil Reese, told me that they have retained “a team of former FBI agents” to determine how Favre obtained Sterger’s telephone number in 2008
FBI AGENT: How’d you get the number, Mr. Favre?
FAVRE: Huh? What? BOY THIS ELBOW SURE IS TENDER.
Sterger has been adamant that she did not give Favre her phone number. Conway and Reese told me Sunday that they have identified a “person of interest” whom they believe was the conduit who got the phone number to Favre.
You mean Jared Winley?
That person, I am told, may have worked for the Jets in 2008.
So Jared Winley.
This is all speculation on my part
Or you can go to Deadspin and learn that the man’s name was Jared Winley. They actually researched it and stuff!
— what part of this story isn’t speculation?
Uh… most of it? Recorded voicemails and stuff?
But be on the lookout for more great speculation from Peter King next week. Will aliens land in Mexico and do battle with the drug cartel? MAYBE. Is Peyton Manning have a wind farm installed on his forehead? POSSIBLY. Will someone buy Derek Jeter’s Montclair estate? WE CANNOT KNOW.
if Sterger wants a career in the media, it would be difficult for her to have a credible one if she is paid off by Favre for her silence.
So true. If you want to work in media, you need to learn to keep silent about Favre FOR FREE. So long as he provides the occasional quotable soundbite!
I think I just heard a big “uh-oh” from 280 Park Avenue, and it had nothing to do with players getting clocked in the head. The New York Times didn’t like Lombardi, the play about Vince Lombardi that opened on Broadway Thursday night, and that is not good for ticket sales to non-football fans and those who do not live in Wisconsin.
OH NO! WE’LL LOSE OUR BROADWAY APPEAL! SO CRUCIAL!
The best scene, I thought, was the Jim Taylor character going toe-to-toe with Lombardi about getting a new contract. Terrific, angry, confrontational, spittle-spewing.
Because when I think of great theater, I think of spittle spewing. Like that one time I went to a play in Amsterdam. Well, it wasn’t so much a play as it was six guys jizzing in a gal’s armpit. Lotta spittle spewing in that one. The Times ADORED it.
Had the good fortune Wednesday to attend a screening of the new documentary Inside Job… The documentary, which is narrated by Matt Damon, gives a terrific analysis of what happened, with zingers thrown at some of the giants in American finance. I think we can figure out the base reason: unfettered greed by some of the most important people in America.
LIKE YOU, DEZ BRYANT! YOU DISGUST ME!
NOTE: After the show, I took my wife to Masa in the Time Warner Center and the waiter provided her with a silk hanky for her runny nose. MASA, YOU ARE ALL CLASS.
I loved (Bruce Bochy) bringing in Tim Lincecum — even though Lincecum is obviously not a reliever and you’d like to have him ready to pitch significant innings Sunday if needed in Game 7. Bochy saw he had six outs to get, and he tried to get them any way he could; I don’t care that Lincecum retired one batter, then gave up two singles, forcing Bochy to go with Brian Wilson for a five-out save.
I love this baseball decision, even though it was short-sighted and ended up failing miserably. That’s Todd Haley-quality baseballing, sir.
You don’t think the Texas fans and two-thirds of New England didn’t get a little more pleasure out of the end of Game 6 when A-Rod struck out looking to end the series?
THE SERIES WAS AWLL ABOUT THE SAWX! CLIFF LEE PITCHES FAR THE PRIDE OF KEVIN GAHHHNET NATION!
I love Texas making the World Series. I love the Giants making it. I love new franchises like the Rangers making it to the big dance, ratings be damned. I’ll be watching, Nolan Ryan.
And I love “The Event,” ratings be damned. I’ll be watching, Blair Underwood!
Coffeenerdness: Why do restaurants assume you want skim milk for the coffee?
Can’t take the hint, Fatty?
Nothing against skim (it’s nice for cereal), but you might as well drink the coffee black if you take it with skim.
YOU GET THAT SKIM CRAP OUTTA MY FACE! IT DEFINES WEAK!
I want more like this!
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