Here is a funny thing that could inspire words of derision.
Hey, it’s another week where we woolly headed, scatter-brained, slugabed jackasses at KSK forgot to post the Meast and Least awards until Thursday or Friday. I hope not too many of you killed yourselves in lieu of enduring the wait.
Usually, if one of us feels like putting in a modicum of effort, there’s an introductory rant about some particular annoyance that’s pissing off the author. I don’t have a singular target worthy of an extended tirade at the ready, so instead here’s a grab bag of obnoxious miscellany that’s momentarily stirred me to tepid anger.
– Why is AMC still not available in HD on my satellite package? I want my “Walking Dead” zombies to have sharply defined rotting flesh. Let’s get with it, guys!
– Denise Milani will never show her tits. What is the meaning of life?
– My bank just got taken over by another bank. This new bank forced all its new customers to use its debit card. So I’ve gotten about two dozen warning e-mails from shit I even forgot I’m signed up for asking me to update my payment information. It’s like I just moved and don’t even get the benefit of being somewhere else. Don’t you just hate that?
– I forgot to buy pumpkin Pop Tarts this week. I wanted to try them, but who cares they’re probably not good anyway. We’re all gonna die someday.
– What happened to Tonic? Isn’t high time they released another album where one song is good and the rest is the sounds of a trepan on an infant’s skull?
– How did pumpkin become the official flavor of fall? Yeah, I know, Thanksgiving and Halloween and shit. But there are a lot of cookouts in the summer and I’m not seeing any hamburger flavored beer at the Total Wine. Do they serve pumpkin Pop Tarts in purgatory?
– This f*cking Scott Pilgrim XBox game I downloaded is hard as shit and I only am able to beat it on the lowest difficulty. What a pussy I am.
– I only run errands on weekdays after boxing class because it’s probably the only time I’m leaving the house, which means I’m as sweaty as Andy Reid is any particular context. Sometimes I bring an extra shirt to change in the car if I have to go in a store. But sometimes I don’t even bother doing that. For a while, I got annoyed by the leering looks from the cashiers, but then I went in stores where persistent clerks would normally bother you about needing help. They don’t bother the sweaty guy, though. I like that.
That should do. On with the meaningless awards!
Your Meast for this week is DeAngelo Hall, which brings me no joy because he’s a pain in the ass, but he did intercept Jay Cutler an NFL-record-tying four times in the Redskins victory over the Bears. After the game, Jay Cutler claimed he would have kept throwing it at Hall if he had the chance, which is like this little girl being asked if she would keep yelling “Go!” at the dog and answering with an emphatic “FU*K YEAH BRING IT! BWAAH!”
We also considered both Darren McFadden and Kenny Britt for enraging fantasy owners by putting up huge performances while firmly entrenched on your bench. Do be sure to start them this week when they combine for seven total points.
Your Least for Week 7 is Drew Brees, who somehow threw four interceptions at home against Cleveland. Don’t worry about Breesus though, because I’m dead certain he’s going to rebound and go 25-29 for 350 yards and three touchdowns against Pittsburgh on Sunday night because God wants His quarterback son to do well against Devil Shirt Ben.
Also receiving consideration were Jay Cutler (of course) and Chris Gronkowski, for whiffing on a block and causing his quarterback to miss pretty much the entire remainder of the season. Just say you did it for the Photoshops. That’s what I’ll tell the cops one day.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.