Marshawn Lynch: What dis U need be seein me ’bout?
Buddy Nix: Take a seat, son. I’ve got some serious news for you.
Marshawn Lynch: We’s gots da matza rilla stick cereal now?
Buddy Nix: No, I’m afraid that’s not it. Marshawn, we’ve decided to trade you to the Seattle Seahawks. It wasn’t a decision we arrived at easily. You have been a tremendous competitor for the Bills franchise ever since you came into the league. However, the backfield being as crowded as it is, the franchise felt it was better to get something in return for you now rather than try to go forward using three running backs at once.
Marshawn Lynch: Dayum. Iz traded? Tell me U got a tricked-out pussywhip fo’ me.
Buddy Nix: Actually, it was a 4th round pick next year and a conditional draft pick the year after.
Marshawn Lynch: Dat it? U a lousy trademaker.
Buddy Nix: We’ll just have to disagree on that.
Marshawn Lynch: AY! Dey got da Applebeez in Seattle?
Buddy Nix: I believe so.
Marshawn Lynch: Phew. Aight. I be seein’ ya.
[Later, aboard Paul Allen’s 414-foot yacht]
[interior of a room filled with money]
Warburton: Begging your pardon, sir, but you appear to have a visitor.
Paul Allen: At this hour? I’m not expecting any visitors until Barry arrives, and he isn’t scheduled to be here until after the summit on Thursday.
Warburton: I am afraid it is not Obama, sir. Rather, the man identified himself – quite crudely, I might add – as a member of the Seahawks.
Paul Allen: Seahawks… oh, right. The football team I own. Very well. Send him in.
Warburton: Yes, sir. But I must first caution you that he has a highly irregular manner of speech.
Paul Allen: Noted. Thank you, Warburton.
Marshawn Lynch: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEE I GO BEEF MOE! SEEZ ALL DIS SCRILLA AND WANNA GET ON WITH ABABABABBBABABBBAAABBABAAA! GONNA GIT THE MONEY BIN AND JET SKI THRU DAT SHIT!
Paul Allen: You weren’t kidding, Warburton. Any idea what he’s saying?
Warburton: I believe he is enticed by the amount of wealth on display.
Paul Allen: Yes. That is a common reaction. [To Marshawn] You there. Why have you come?
Marshawn Lynch: Yo team, dey got me in from da Buffalo. Wanna go BEEF MOE. Need go BEEF MOE. In da Buffalo, they keeps me on da bench. Keep using da Fredjack and da Spillaman. Ain’t even tryna see no BEEF MOE. But now I gone and now I here. I ready go BEEF MOE for you.
Paul Allen: I see. I believe that is a matter to take up with the coaching staff, as they handle the day-to-day football operations.
Marshawn Lynch: AW HEEL NAW. See, dats how Da Man work. He pass it off to da UDDA MAN. Den da UDDA MAN. Before U know it, you is on BENCH MOE. Cain’t be havin’ it.
Warburton: I don’t care for his tone, sir. Shall I alert security?
Paul Allen: No. I find his animalistic zeal oddly compelling. Reminds me of the Tanzanian shaman who taught me how to extract the still-beating heart from a man’s chest using only a tie clip.
If it is in the manner of a beast that you wish to comport yourself, we will find an outlet for such yearnings. During the next home game, make certain he is introduced to band of psychotropic drug subjects we keep on hand for the purposes of creating crowd noise.
Marshawn Lynch: Fo sho! BEEF MOE FO SHO! BEEF MOE FO DAYS! RUN UP IN THE JOINT DONE SCREAM NATNATNATNATNATNATNATNATNAT
… Now if you plead can you be showin’ me to yo fanciest Applebeez?
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.