Yesterday, an official flagged the Steelers for a holding penalty at the beginning of the 4th quarter IN CLEAR DEFIANCE OF THE SECRET NFL EDICT THAT NO CALL CAN EVER GO AGAINST PITTSBURGH. While this was ultimately a clever guise to mask the OBVIOUSLY PREORDAINED FINISH TO COME, it was nevertheless amusing because the lead official, A GODDAMN YINZER WHO WOULDN’T EVEN GIVE THE ROONEYS CHANGE FOR THEIR HANDSOME BRIBE, called the infraction on noted holding penalty machine Flozell Adams, who wasn’t even in the game because he left in the first half with an injury. OR SO THAT’S WHAT THE RIGGED LEAGUE WOULD LIKE US TO THINK

It may seem confusing to outsiders, but officials have cottoned onto the fact that Adams, even suffering the effects of a physical injury, is able to drag pass rushers down from behind using his keen mental powers from the sideline. Knowing this, officials just presume any hold has been done by Adams, either in the physical form or through mental feats.

Adams’ powers do have limits. On one play, he tried to move the line of scrimmage two yards forward to accommodate THE BEN’s out-of-pocket Brittfar impression.

Sadly, it was ineffective and the play was flagged.

“IS OKAY, HOTEL MAN. THE BEN HAD ARM ON BALL IN TOUCHDOWN ZONE. ONLY LET GO AFTER HEARD REF PROMISE CHOCO TACO NIGHT AT HIS HOUSE ON THIRDDAY. NO FIBS. LACK OF EVIDENCE ALWAYS GIVE BEN SMILEYS.”