Terry Cobblington IV: Okay, all right. How are we doing today? Good, good, good. Sooooo I took a look at your resume. Seems pretty solid. Noticed here you didn’t get your bachelor’s degree. That’s fine – not necessarily a deal-breaker. You’ve been in the workforce for a while now. Got some life experience in you.
So tell me… Mr. Harrison, what makes you want to be an executive coordinator to the deployment project manager?
James Harrison: I wanna bust skulls.
Terry: Skulls, huh? Heh heh, I got you. Forward thinking paradigm shifting box outing game changing body rocking roof raising, am I right?
James Harrison: …
I wanna cave in your face.
Terry: Woaaaahhh-hoo-hoo, we got a real go-getter on our hands. What specific skill set do you have that you see best benefiting the company?
James Harrison: Okay, right – you got yourself a skull. Be it a regular skull or one still encased in flesh, I’mma break that shit. And I don’t mean cracked. I don’t mean one long fissure down the middle of it. That shit is plain busted. There are at least half dozen pieces laying around the floor. Gotta get a crack medical team together just to reassemble it. That’s what I bring. Don’t need nothing more than a helmet. Shit, even if you don’t got a helmet, I’m gonna find a way to make it happen.
Terry: I see. It says here on your resume that your last job was…”Pro Bowl Linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers.”
James Harrison: Yeah, I did that pussy shit.
Terry: Well, I did some checking on that and it appears you abruptly retired in the middle of the season. Care to explain?
James Harrison: Yeah, see, what happened with that was the motherfucker commissioner got his period at the same time a bunch of bitches in the media got they period. You know periods sync up and shit when bitches be hanging together? Anyway, they all got they simultaneous period and decided football wasn’t gonna be about hitting bitch-ass niggas in they face with my helmet no more. So I said fuck that shit and peaced out.
Terry: Okay. I think I got you. Right there with ya. Let’s be clear on this – when you say you want to cave in faces, do you mean literally that you want to make a person’s facial plate concave in a manner that is virtually certain to cause paralysis or even more likely death?
James Harrison: Death would be preferable, but yes.
Terry: Mhhm. Mhhm. Think I get what you’re driving at here. And how would caved-in faces help you carry out your duties as executive coordinator to the deployment project manager?
James Harrison: You don’t want fuckers just be walking around casual-like in your place of business with convex, working faces. Where I grew up, it was rough. Real grimey on them streets. And if there was one lesson that always came up it was that the people doing wrong always had they face intact.
Terry: Gotcha. Now, I don’t know how familiar you are with the concept of criminal liability…
James Harrison: That got anything to do with busting skulls?
Terry: Kind of. You see, in the corporate world, a business can get in a lot of trouble with the law if one of its employees, shall we say, intentionally breaks the skull of another person, be that person employed by the company or not.
James Harrison: Uh-huh.
Terry: Now, do you see how you breaking skulls while in our employ might be problematic?
James Harrison: ‘Course not. Ain’t gonna be no problematic. Man gets a problematic, I go flying at his dome piece. Bust that shit up good. Why you making this more complex than it gotta be?
Terry: Tell me, James: Where do you see yourself in five years?
James Harrison: I’ll be at my house. Bunch of skull fragments hanging around the floor. Dogs like to gnaw on them when my kids aren’t around. Man hits a certain limit in the face caving game. I ain’t there yet, but I could see a time when I’ve had enough.
Terry: Very interesting. Well, we have your contact information and will let you know as soon as we make a decision.
James Harrison: YEAH THAT’S RIGHT – DON’T TRY BRINGING NO CONCORD GRAPES THROUGH MY FUCKING AISLE. I JARRED THEM SHITS RIGHT OUT YOUR CART. YOU CAN’T HOLD ONTO YOUR PURCHASES THEN THEY WASN’T YOURS TO BEGIN WITH. GOTTA GET RIGHT WITH YOUR SHOPPING GAME. C’MON GET THE FUCK UP I DIDN’T HIT YOU AS HARD I COULD.
Store PA: James, please report back to Mr. Henderson’s office.
James Harrison: Aw shit.
I want more like this!
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