I’ll nevah fahget the cawll I gawt this marnin’ from my fathah! I was still sleepin’ awff a lawng fackin’ night with HORGS at Daisy Bukes! I facked a fat garl on the pool table and punched at least two faggot dahkie cawllege kids. I was NAWT prepay-uhed to get this news. NONE OF US WERE-AH!

“Tawmmy, did you hear about Brady?”

“What happened?”

“HE WRECKED HIS CAHHHHHHH!!!!!”

So many emotions. How could this be? Why did this happen? Whose the fackin asshole Yankee fan who plowed into ow-ahhhh FOOTBALL TED WILLIAMS?! Why do bad things keep happening to the FACKIN’ LEGENDARY FANS OF RED SAWX GALAXY?! You can’t tell me any fanbase has experienced this kind of wild mix of emotions! First I was scay-uhed! Then I was shaken! Then I was nervous. Then I pissed in an alleyway, just fahh the fack of it. Sure, Tawmmy Brady was okay. But what if he hadn’t been okay? What if he had been hurt? IT COULD HAVE BEEN BUCKNAH TWO POINT OH!!! First Brady gets that faggot hay-uhcut. Now this!

(dips, spits)

The second I gawt awff the phone with my dad, my buddy HouseO called me to commiserate. ONLY BAWSTON FANS AHHH THIS QUICK TO CAWLL EACH OTHAH! We both agreed that this marning’s events ahhh a turning point in the Bawston sparts saga! Not unlike the end of Mistah Holland’s Opus, which I saw 97 times fahhh no reason at all!

(wears bike chain as necklace)

We also agreed that this accident changes my entiah gambling fahhmula far 2010! You see, I bet on games using my patented TAWMBAWTICS method, which totally had me winning money until midseason, when I lawst all my cash to the fackin’ Jew fack bookie my cousin uses! That Jew should be gassed with diarrhea fumes!

(calls bookie in front of people at bar and loudly announces amount of wager for all to hear)

TAWMBAWTICS clearly states that every NFL season has any numbah of teams that can be perfectly matched up with the cast of Road Rules Challenge! The Colts ahhh clearly Ashlee! And the Ravens ahhh clearly Donnie O. NO ONE DENIES THIS! It’s a proven system that only needs thirty-seven tweaks every yee-ah depending on how badly it does. It can’t fail!

(loses bet, blames reality)

But this Brady accident has me shaken up! It makes me wondah what’s next. The Sawx ahhh out of it. Brady and Belichick ahhh oldah. What if they go into the tank? What if that big gorilla Shaq ruins ow-ah C’s? HE’S A DAHHKIE GORILLA! What if “The Town” turns out to suck? No othah city is faced with this kind of turmoil!

(feels biceps)

I’ll tell you this, though. Brady wawked away from that wreck. You find me a tuffah QB than that! I didn’t see Rawthlibergah walk away when some old bitch smacked his Jap bike! HE’S NAWT WELKAH TOUGH! That’s how we handle ow-ah shit in the Back Bay!

So mahhk the day, people. It is a day that live live in Bawston infamy forevah!