Sometimes we fall in love with the dumbest people. A lot of them happen to be in law school. Some of them don’t even own cars, which surprises me. Some of them make more money than us. Some of them are just wastes of life with no redeemable value, and yet we tolerate their horrible attempts to love us. And don’t even get me started on Anquan Boldin.
Yep, it’s time for another sexbag. Ufford is sitting this one out, so come on up onto Uncle PUNTE’s lap and tell him what you want for Christmas. As long as it isn’t Dwayne Bowe, you should be good. And sincerest apologies for getting this up (hee hee) behind schedule. I tried to get in as many submissions as I could.
Brothers in Brevity,
Fantasy: Who do you start this week – Anquan Boldin (vs Jets) or Seattle’s Mike Williams (vs 49ers)? I think my Seahawks fandom is clouding my view here.
That’s a joke, people. Don’t email me.
Sex: Just out of college, I’m a man that still likes to sleep around. I’d (safely) find a new partner every night if the opportunity presented itself.
Good sirs, two questions I suspect may both be answered with some variation on the phrase “suck it up”. Here goes:
Football – 14-team league, just finished the draft, I was picking last.
But there was only a 7 percent chance of that happening. I guess what I’m trying to say is…math is awesome. But yeah, that’s a stupid rule. Either start out waiver priority with the reverse draft order or use a waiver budget.
This smells like bullshit to me. Is that a fair thing to think or do I sound like I’m bitching about nothing?
If she wants to go out regularly I’m not going to be able to do the typical man thing and pay for the lot – any tips on how to broach the subject with her? It’s a delicate thing, I don’t want to get into a fight about it, but clearly it’s a conversation I will have to have.
Dear Caveman among men,
Fantasy first: Quick pre-season trade question: I went Andre 9th overall in my 12-team PPR league, and somehow Drew Brees was waiting for me in the second. I snagged him, but, of course, my RB core is less than stellar (Jamaal Charles and Jonathan Stewart).
That’s really not bad. Most of us aren’t going to get that elusive stud back in the first four (or five picks). Andre Johnson is a great value at No. 9 and you HAVE to take Brees with that 2nd-rounder. And since I’m really high on Jamaaaaal this year, I think you’ve rounded out your starting lineup nicely.
A Saints homer offers me a trade of Matt Schaub, Ray Rice and Mike Wallace for Brees, Stewart and Derrick Mason. I take this right? The upgrade at RB (and at my No. 3 WR) more than makes up for the drop at QB right?
If you’re comfortable with keeping two starters from the same team, you make that deal. Schaub has a lot of upside, which is saying a lot for a guy that threw for 4700 yards last season. Same with Wallace, who’s set to surpass Hines Ward as the Steelers’ No. 1 passing option. And forget everything I said about not having that premiere back, because you just got him, assuming that this trade doesn’t get shot down by your fellow owners.
Sex: Not so much a question of sex as it is how do I get sexy?
There are no shortcuts to sexy. Unless you use a lot of duct tape and mesh, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
I was always a little pudgey and while tall (6′2″), I never was that fit (hovered around 230-240 lbs since HS). I got tired of that shit and decided to whip my ass into shape. Now around 185 (thanks to P90X), but after 5 months of those workouts I’m lean, but not building much muscle. I increase my weight and go to failure, but while dieting I limited myself to 1500 calories and under each day. Do I have to double my calorie (protein) intake in order to see muscle growth?
The Last (Original) Texans Fan
I’m not an expert on this, but my cursory research over the years tells me that you won’t build muscle by dieting. Muscles need fuel, and since you’re exerting more daily effort than the average bear, you really should be increasing your caloric intake. If you’re lifting in the mornings, consume protein within 30 minutes of finishing your workout. I like eggs here. Crack an egg open in a bowl and microwave it for 45 seconds. Scrape it out and slap it on a bagel. Bam. You just made a badass breakfast treat that you can scarf down on the way to work.
And consult your doctor, so that in the unlikely event that you die during a workout, it’ll be his fault.
Fantasy Football: This is my first year playing fantasy, and I made the dumbass mistake of drafting Santonio Holmes AND Vincent Jackson (both for my bench, but still…). Should I hang on to them or try to pawn them off on one of the other players in my league so that I can have another receiver who will produce before week 7?
I wouldn’t fault you for hanging onto one of them. Vincent Jackson will almost certainly be traded, while Santonio might be the best wide receiver on a team with a barely-above-average quarterback. See if you can get anything for Holmes, and hope that VJ finds himself in a better spot.
Sex: I have a roommate who I have dated in the past (within the last year or so). When we moved in, we bothmade it clear that we were just friends and were okay with that.
I wonder where this is going.
However, she’s acted very jealous and upset the few times I’ve been fortunate enough to bring a girl home. I’ve talked her about it, but when confronted she’s acted like nothing is wrong.
“That’s a relief, because I feel like I’ve noticed a change in your mood over the last several seconds. You seem upset, as if something is bothering you, perhaps something that I have done. However, since you’ve verified personally that no such issue exists, I feel free to blast my Rod Stewart Greatest Hits album and dance around in my sombrero. By the way, what’s for dinner?”
I can’t really say anything. I do it, too.
She’s also threatened to move out because I ”party too much” (I work 5 days a week and only stay out late on Friday and Saturday nights, which seems reasonable to me).
“Maybe YOU are partying too little!”
While I realize it was really (REALLY) stupid to make a roomie out of an ex (it wasn’t a super-serious relationship,but we were definitely exclusive), what should I do? I don’t want to be stuck with double the rent, but I also don’t want to live with a jealous ex.
Let me chastise you one more time for moving in with a woman that you weren’t boning. It’s a trueKobayashi Maru. I’ve never had the capability of being friends with an ex. If you’re a woman and I’m not dating you or married to you, then you don’t exist. Unless you have a really nice ass.
But enough of my foot up your ass. What I really want to know is, “What was she thinking?” Could this have been some sort of plot to get back together with you? This doesn’t sound like someone who fluently says what she means. I question her motivation on that. While you may have become comfortable with the distance between you in this modified relationship, it’s pretty clear that she isn’t.
I don’t think a little proactive damage control is out of the question. You have to get her to talk about about what’s bugging her and, ultimately, make a decision on whether or not your current arrangement is feasible going forward. You’ll have to either placate her to some degree or start looking for another apartment. Sounds a lot like having an actual girlfriend, doesn’t it? Lesson learned.
No fantasy football question since I’m just about the only guy in North America (greetings from the Great White North) that doesn’t play.
Fuck you, then.
I’m a 27-year old that left a fairly good career to return to law school last year. The catch is that I did this with the full support of my wife. Not only did she want me to pursue law (something I’ve always wanted to do), but she was even cool with me moving two hours away to attend a better school that the one in our hometown. Long and short, she’s about as fantastic as a wife can be. Moreover, she’s battling cancer and current under going chemotherapy.
/retracts earlier “Fuck you”
So here’s the catch.
Wait…what catch? Your wife getting cancer wasn’t the catch? The woman who supported your dreams and is actually dying right now? That was just part of the buildup? Really?
At law school I met another woman that, in my books, is just about as perfect as it gets.
Perfect? What kind of cancer does SHE have?
I’m definitely not the wandering eye type
and sure as shit didn’t foresee developing major league thoughts for someone else.
You’re either clueless or lying through your teeth. Either way, you’ll be a GREAT Canadian lawyer!
That fact almost makes things harder;
Objection. That was not a fact. That was bunk.
I know that my feelings for the new lass are 100% legit, it’s not just some need for more than one person to get with.
/reinstates original “Fuck you”
No fantasy question, because I am dreadful and no longer want to sacrifice my dollars for the joy of relentless mockery. I’m easily mockable, no need to pay, thanks.
You don’t even play in the free leagues anymore? EXCUSE ME WHILE I LADLE YOU AN EXTRA SPOONFUL OF MOCKERY!
This is not a sex question. It’s not a love question. It’s a marriage question, and really a deluded husband question.
And yes, I’ll stipulate that I know that you are not a professional counselor. Your advice is sound. I need a reality check, and well, you’re it. Sorry.
Actually, this will be a substitute reality check. Which is like a reality check that lets everyone talk during class. But I’ll see what we can do.
My wife left last week to take a new job 1,600 miles from what was our home. It’s probably more accurate to say she left me, as accompanying her on the excursion is her “friend” who, in his words, “wants to look at everything they do as if they are a couple.” This vulture is eight years younger than her and ten years younger than me (I’m thirty-five in seven weeks). He personifies my worst qualities when I was 24 including self-centeredness, a lack of personal accountability and responsibility, and an obsessive infatuation that he calls love.
Or what I call “Mashin’ Dem Guts.”
I’ll admit I have not been a saint in our marriage. Far from it, but I worked hard to fix my mistakes, to grow and to do everything I could to take care of her. Still, even if she hadn’t gone with him, she wasn’t going with me, for financial (we’re in debt to our eyeballs and I don’t have a job 1,600 miles away) and relationship reasons (she feels the need to take care of herself rather than rely on my ability and desire to provide for her). I applaud her desire to gain mastery over basic life skills, but I don’t see why she can’t be more assertive and take a more active role in household management. It’s not like I haven’t asked her to do that. I have. Often. But she never had the time.
I’m trying to be helpful, but I have no idea what you just said.
I discovered in May that part of the reason she was lacking time, likely the entire reason, is the time she was spending with her “friend.” Based on both cell and landline records her talk time totaled over 10,000 minutes or 168 hours in a 31 day period. One 24/7 week out of a full 31 day month.
Or four complete 8-hour work weeks. In a month. That. Is. Insane.
Her obsessiveness cost her the job she had here and strained our marriage to the point that I twice attempted threw her out only to take her back, because I’m a pussy who really doesn’t want to be without her.
I have Allen Iverson on Line 1.
The first time I threw her out, she had an anxiety attack so bad that she ended up in the emergency room (I brought her). My In-laws, her therapist and one of her closest friends (none of her other friends know what she’s been doing, she basically cut them out of her life, at his behest) agree with me that she is making a colossal mistake bringing this guy, because he’s such a winner.
He doesn’t work. He borrowed money from her, even though he was living rent free with family friends and despite the favor his father called in to get him a job that he quit before he started. The only money he is contributing to their venture was had by selling his car to his father, for a whopping $500.
An entire car?
Further, it’s not likely he’s going to find work in a part of the country with crappy public transit. She even picks up the check (with money I earn) when they go out for dinner; it’s like whiskey-tango-foxtrot.
How have you not murdered this guy? Seriously. Okay, not seriously, but…seriously.
I work 50-55 hours a week and endure a commute that exceeds 4 hours a day via public transit so I can be exhausted and have my money spent on their good time. Anyway, sob story over.
But look at all the money you’ve saved by not playing fantasy football!
I think she’s experiencing a mid-life crisis. She’s hasn’t acted like this in seven years or so.
So this is her second mid-life crisis? I’m pretty sure you can only have one of those…
Honestly, it feels like she’s addicted to the drama of dating an immature man that she fights with incessantly, which not for nothing, is precisely what we did at the beginning of our fouled up relationship.
Hey, if it works for her…
(I know, bitches be crazy)
It takes two to tango, boss.
I honestly can’t imagine realizing my hopes and dreams with anyone other than her.
“Darling, I could never drive another woman to the emergency room after cheating on me with a total loser!”
I don’t want to sacrifice a decade of marriage over her basically losing it. I don’t believe that you can back out of commitments because it gets tough. You suck it up
Someone has been paying attention! Suck it up!
figure it out, then work it out. But am I delusional for thinking she might someday want to make our marriage work given this steaming pile of excrement she just deposited on it? I await your (likely one-word) answer below.
That wasn’t the word you were expecting, was it?
PS sorry this is longer than Logan Mankins’ beard and holdout combined.
You should feel lucky that I’m doing the ‘bag this week, because Ufford would have killed you for writing such a long email!
Okay. Jokes over. But yeah, it’s time to move on, and you need to acknowledge that she’s a sinking stone around your neck. Your wife is not dying of cancer; she’s not in a depressive state where she needs the support of her loved ones. Your wife is a crazy bitch who either can’t see the consequences of her actions. Or she chooses not to.
And the fact that she’s spending YOUR money is…well, it just spits in the face of everything that men stand for, doesn’t it? All this time, you’ve been building a life that she hasn’t had any interest in occupying with you. You’ve made an effort, and ask same from her, only to come up empty. It’s clear that you really care for this woman, this bitch that seems content to just gut your marriage from the inside out. It’s also clear that she doesn’t give a shit about you. At all. You wrote that you couldn’t imagine pursuing your life’s ambitions without her. I’m sorry to say that this is exactly what you’ve been doing the whole time.
Actions speak louder than words, and the act of driving halfway across the country with some kid bears a pretty clear message: Adios. A fucking “Adios” sign hanging in Times Square, blinking, with one of those news crawls scrolling underneath it. CRAZY BITCH LEAVES LOYAL HUSBAND FOR WORLD’S WORST CAR SALESMAN. You could wait by the doorstep in hopes that she’ll come back, that she’ll do it out of love for you and not out of insufficient funds. You could grind your life to a halt so that it matches the pace of hers. But we both know that would be really fucking stupid.
You wrote that you couldn’t imagine pursuing your life’s ambitions without her. It’s time to start. There’s probably some war allegory in here about how your troops are fighting an unwinnable war or some shit. How the other army has run off with a younger, less responsible army that can’t hold down a job for shit. But that’s what it is. What’s the point of continuing this when the best you can hope for is that the crazy bitch comes back?!
It’s time to withdraw. More importantly, it’s time to admit defeat. To acknowledge that this woman took a toll on not only her life, but yours as well. Godspeed, sir. Withdraw. Regroup. Live to fight another day. Live to bone chicks another day. They’re out there someplace. Maybe one of them can find a good deal on a used car.
I want more like this!
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