Oh, man.

Oh, shit.

Oh, hot spatula.

Oh, motherfucker, I AM HIGH! I am so high, I’m just like… FUCK! You know? That high. I’m so high, I feel like… unnnnghhhhh! THAT IS WHAT THE FUCK I’M TALKING ABOUT!

Goddamn, I am high.

This is great. Life is good, I’m high as shit, and Michael Vick is back to doing what Michael Vick does best. Can’t nobody do what Mike Vick does. Can’t nobody run and throw like this. Can’t nobody throw himself a birthday party and then get the fuck out of there 40 minutes before that corny motherfucker Quanis comes to the door. YOU TELL ME KEVIN KOLB HAS THE KIND OF ESCAPABILITY! He ain’t shit!

(knock on the door)

What the…? I wasn’t expecting anyone, except for the deliverymen from Qdoba, Pizza Hut, Moe’s, Domino’s, and Len’s Crab Shack. Who the fuck is it?

(door flies open)

Quan Lo: DIDDY MAO!

Vick: Oh, shit! Quan Lo! The legendary Chinese underground dogfighting bookie!

Quan Lo: DIDDY MAO!

Vick: Nah, man. No way! You got me all wrong! Ookie doesn’t do that sort of thing anymore! This is a new Michael Vick! He’s socially responsible! He’s kind and generous to others! He’s mildly accurate and no longer relies on Alge Crumpler to pad his passer rating! THINGS HAVE CHANGED!

Quan Lo: DIDDY MAO!

Vick: Yes, I know I owe your ass a few million, give or take. But don’t you worry, Quan Lo. Michael Vick good for it. Al Davis has already offered $40 million guaranteed, plus all the soft tacos I can eat. 2011 WILL BE THE YEAR OF THE VICKENING!

Quan Lo: DIDDY MAO!

Vick: What do you mean, interest?

Quan Lo: DIDDY MAO!

Vick: FUCK THAT NOISE!

Quan Lo: DIDDY MAO!

Vick: Oh, well I guess that makes sense.

Quan Lo: DIDDY MAO!

Vick: No. No way. My days of fighting dogs are over! You can’t drag me back into that seedy netherworld again.

Quan Lo: DIDDY MAO!

Vick: No way. No fighting cats either!

Quan Lo: DIDDY MAO!

Vick: Ain’t fighting no wild boars!

Quan Lo: DIDDY MAO!

Vick: Ain’t fighting no unicorns and pegasuses neither! My days of cruelty to animals is long gone. Although I must say, I did feel really good to put some of those dogs down. I mean, they’re so dumb! You hit them and they keep coming back and you hit them again and they keep coming back. THEY JUST KEEP DOING THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN! THAT’S SO FUNNY! Kinda makes me want to kill one again. BUT NO! I WON’T DO IT!

Quan Lo: DIDDY MAO!

Vick: What do you mean, Evil Overlord?

Quan Lo: DIDDY MAO!

Vick: No. No, no. No, it can’t be.

(door flies open)

pic_tonydungy

Tony Dungy: Hello, Michael.

Vick: Coach Dungy!

Dungy: I see you’ve had quite the resurrection of late. Pity the same can’t be said for all those poor, poor dogs you helped kill.

Vick: What do you want from me? And why hasn’t the man from Qdoba showed up yet?

Dungy: There will be plenty of time for burritos, Michael. But for now, we must have a chat. You see, I do believe it was I who helped you sign with the Eagles. Was it not?

Vick: Shit, I dunno. I guess.

Dungy: And since I did you that favor, I think you should do a favor for me. Is that not fair?

Vick: YEAH BUT I WAS HIGH!

Dungy: Shhhh. Shhhh. Quiet, my boy. You remember when I asked you to help me fight gays, do you not?

Vick: A little bit.

Dungy: Michael, I’m afraid that, since we last spoke, the problem of American gayness has become even more widespread, what with “Modern Family” winning the Emmys and all. Gayness has seeped into every facet of our culture. And worse yet, we’ve LET IT HAPPEN. And do you know what happens when we have gay people, Michael?

Vick: Troy Aikman gets a job?

Dungy: No. We have GAY ANIMALS. Look!

Vick: Oh, man. That is one gay motherfucking dog.

Dungy: THIS is what is turning up in America’s kennels now. Gay dogs, littering the streets. Copulating with each other in the buttocks. Infecting our children with gay. Do you want to ignore this problem, or do you want to help me solve it?

Vick: Man, I don’t want any part of this! I JUST WANNA BE MIKE VICK! I wanna run free! And use lots of Chap Stick! And give a bitch herpes! Just like normal people do! I don’t want this anymore!

Dungy: I’m afraid you have no choice. You will fight these gay dogs in an arena of combat. Or else…

Quan Lo: (draws gun) DIDDY MAO!

Dungy: What he said.

Vick: What if, like, I could get the dogs to STOP being fag dogs? Would that work? If I could get them back on that there Tuna Chow and shit?

Dungy: Possibly. Although once the sinner has sinned, never shall he be redeemed.

Vick: Just gimme a week to ungay these dogs!

Dungy: Very well. YOU HAVE ONE WEEK.

(They leave)

Vick: Okay, Foofie. I know normally you don’t get along with pussy, but I’mma need your help.

Dog: Bow wow wowwww!

Vick: Shit. This ain’t gonna be easy.