I was of the mind that Satan had already crafted his perfect sports talk radio show, and that show was called “The Herd With Colin Cowherd, A Man Who Rapes Toddlers And Drinks Only Pancreatic Fluid”. I don’t really know how you can make a more shrill, smarmy, intolerable radio show than that. But people, I am here to tell you: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE SATAN’S POWERS. He is creatively evil on a level far beyond mortal comprehension. Which is why I got the following press release in my mailbox yesterday:

ACTOR JERRY FERRARA HOSTS FANTASY FOOTBALL SHOW ON SIRIUS XM

NEW YORK – September 14, 2010 – SIRIUS XM Radio (NASDAQ: SIRI) announced today that actor Jerry Ferrara, best known for his role as Turtle on HBO’s hit series, Entourage, will host a weekly fantasy football show exclusively on SIRIUS XM Fantasy Sports Radio, the 24/7 fantasy sports channel available on XM channel 147 and SIRIUS channel 211 for subscribers with the “Best of XM.”

Ferrara’s Fantasy Football will air this Thursday, September 16 (7:00-8:00 pm ET / 4:00-5:00 pm PT), and every Thursday throughout the season.

Ferrara, who grew up in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn as a diehard New York Giants fan, will host the show each week from Los Angeles. A self-described “fantasy football fanatic,” he will take calls from other fantasy football players around the country, reviewing the week that was and previewing the coming weekend’s games, and will talk one-on-one with other celebrity fantasy football fans from the worlds of entertainment and sports.

“Fantasy football players love to talk to other fantasy football players about anything and everything fantasy football related,” said Ferrara. “That’s what my new SIRIUS XM show is all about. When NFL season rolls around, I become totally consumed with fantasy football and I know there are a lot of others out there like me. Having a place to talk it all out is almost therapeutic! Call me up and let’s talk about potential trades, waiver wire pickups, who you should start this weekend. And we’ll get some experts into the mix to give you the advice and info you need to get an edge in your league.”

Few things terrify me more than the fact that we live in a world where fucking Turtle from Entourage can become a multi-platform success. Honestly, I don’t even know why I play fantasy football anymore if this is the end byproduct of our collective enjoyment of the game. I can already envision some of the calls now…

CALLER: Yo Jerry! BRAHHHH!!!

FUCKING TURTLE: ‘Sup! ‘Sup! Where you callin’ from?

CALLER: I’m callin’ from Santa Monica, baby! Lotta honeys out here!

FUCKING TURTLE: Love the honeys from Santa Monica!

CALLER: Should I start Eli or Flacco this week?

FUCKING TURTLE: That’s a tough one. You know Eli is my boy! I think we gotta patch in my buddy ADRIAN GRENIER to see what he thinks! Hey Ad…

THIS IS THE PART WHERE I FLY OVER THE SIRIUS STUDIO AND DROP A BUCKET OF AIDS BLOOD-CARRYING MOSQUITOES DOWN, CAUSING TURTLE AND HIS SOUND MIXER TO CHOKE ON AIDS BLOOD AND DIE.

I do not like this program.