“Okay, Eli, I’m on your side here. We’re gonna get you what you want. Now just turn the ball over, Eli. TURN THE BALL OVER!”

Jim Sorgi going to injured reserve in the preseason might have been thought to be an unfortunate development for the Giants at the time, but his replacement at backup QB, Sage Rosenfels, brings much needed crisis management skills to a team wholly unprepared for when the two Steve Smiths decide to consolidate their power and begin taking hostages.

Steve Smith, Carolina: IMMA PUNCH THEM HOSTAGES YOU DON’T GIMME ME THAT MONEY THAT’S RULES AND REGGALATIONS OF THE GAME, WHICH IS 89.

Steve Smith, New York: He’s serious. I can’t stop him. I think he’s crazy. He’s losing it. You better pay. Just pay. I can’t stop him.

Sage Rosenfels: No one’s getting punched today, guys. We’re all reasonable people. No one likes seeing people get punched. If you punch those people, you’re never gonna get what you want.

Steve Smith, Carolina: FUGGIT I GOT CASH ALREADY. SOMEONE GOT TO GET PUNCHED IN HERE.

[Muffled screams]

Sage Rosenfels: Steve. STEVE! Did you punch someone, Steve Smith? ANSWER ME!

Steve Smith, New York: He punched that baby. I can’t believe he punched that baby.

Sage Rosenfels: [presses walkie-talkie to forehead]

UNRELATED WHORING ALERT: Be sure to check out the first installment of my weekly NFL column, The Designed Rush, over at its new home at SB Nation.