When we last left Wes Welker basement gimp Peter King, he was running on the Vineyard and marveling at the ability of a man to run while guzzling coffee. Peter would like to know how to incorporate coffee into more daily routines, such a sleeping, boning, and yelling at hotel clerks. Is there a way to place a cup of coffee inside this cup of coffee that Peter is already drinking? So that it’s more coffee-ey? And not simply coffee-flavored coffee? This man demands a more intense coffee-going experience. Peter was also dazzled by an exotic new place called “Central Park,” a hidden treasure tucked away into a mere 180 square blocks of Manhattan. Who else know about this little alcove among the skyscrapers?!

So what about this week? Will Peter get his mad-on? Did Wes Welker have another ho hum day TEACHING SHEEP TO FLY AND MAKING IT SAFE TO WALK OUTSIDE IN RUSSIA? Who’s being Manny this week? Is it Manny? Reading, KSK readers. You will have to do some. READ ON.

“I’m 10 times better than I was four years ago,” (Michael) Vick told me from the Eagles’ locker room in Detroit after the 35-32 win in his first start since 2006, the year before the dogfighting saga hit the public eye.

“Oh man. Oh, shit damn. Oh, FUCK. I am ten times better than I was, like four years ago. I got ‘runnin’ away from shower rapist’ speed on my side now. CAIN’T NOBODY CATCH MIKE VICK WITH THAT KIND OF SPEED. And did you know that receivers will run things called ‘routes,’ where they run a predetermined pattern? I NEVER KNEW THAT SHIT UNTIL JUST NOW! That shit make Mike Vick wanna fuck.”

“I’ve learned so much about the position, about being a complete quarterback…”

Did you know QB’s are allowed to throw the ball? CRAZINESS.

“…from Andy and Marty. How to stay active back there, how to make good decisions…”

…how to take naps during the two minute drill, how to vomit on the field, how to be a stubborn ass who benches Mike Vick when he’s clearly the better fit for your offense…

“Excuse me if I fall asleep,” (Matt) Schaub said from Washington, a half-hour after the unlikeliest win in Texans history, 30-27 over the Redskins, in overtime. “I’m pretty tired.”

And sore, too. That’s allowed.

NO! NO SORENESS ALLOWED! YOU THINK BRETT FAVRE ALLOWS SORENESS? HE TAKES HIS ASPERCREME LIKE A MAN!

I kidded Schaub in training camp that out of 100 real football fans, only five — maybe — could answer the question, “Which quarterback led the NFL in passing yards last year?”

And again, you now know the trick to Peter King’s writing: assuming your audience knows absolutely NOTHING about football. At all. Matt Schaub? Who’s he? Doesn’t he host a quiz show on ESPN?

It was Schaub, but who remembers a jillion yards by a quarterback whose team went 1-5 in the division and didn’t make the playoffs?

Uh, anyone who owned him in fantasy? Anyone who owned Andre Johnson? Anyone who likes to look at stats on occasion? My nephew, who is four?

Minnesota is all screwed up. A year ago, Viking Nation was pirouetting with joy after Brett Favre threw the miracle pass to Greg Lewis to stun the 49ers.

I’m sorry. What did you just say? Please roll back the column.

Minnesota is all screwed up. A year ago, Viking Nation…

No. No. No, no. No, that is not a real term. Part of the reason I’m a Vikings fan is because they are NOT a nation, the way asshole fanbases like the Red Sox are. There is no Viking Nation. There are a few thousand fans in Minneapolis who are only loud with supplemental speaker noise and who sell their Packers tickets to the highest bidder from Eau Claire. Don’t ever fucking use that term again, or I will SHIT IN YOUR HAIR.

The popular theory is that (Favre) misses Sidney Rice, which is smart because he and Rice made beautiful music together last year, and because he hasn’t bonded with Bernard Berrian the way he did with Rice.

Two of his interceptions Sunday were intended for Berrian…

No they weren’t. They were intended for Jason Allen. Favre fucking BLOWS.

Though I love Jackson, one of my two All-Pro receivers in 2009, I see three problems with the Vikings trading for and signing him:

Please note that Peter then lists four problems, because he did not pass First Grade in Mathology 101: MATH AND YOU.

A non-scandalous scandal.

Oooh, my favorite kind of scandal! The coffee-flavored water of scandals! I bet it has something to do with the service at Capital Grille.

Last week, it was reported in Boston with some outrage that the car Tom Brady wrecked a couple of weeks ago, a $97,000 Audi, was owned by a charity he has worked for, Best Buddies, and given to him as a perk for the work he’s done for the charity.

THAT IS NAWT THE HAHHHHD WORKIN’ CAHHHH LARRY LEGEND WOULD DRIVE!

The outrage stems from the fact that Brady, who just signed a $72 million contract extension, shouldn’t be taking a $97,000 car from any charity, obviously.

But sources close to the story tell me it’s not true.

Those sources also tell me that Tom’s hair smells like pineapple because he uses Garnier Fructis, with real essence of jojoba. Also, Tom Brady can bring dead kittens back to life simply by feeding them his own blood.

These sources say Brady was signed to represent Audi in corporate promotional work three years ago, independent of Brady’s long involvement with Best Buddies, a charity that pairs mentally challenged people with mentors and friends in mainstream society.

MENTOR: Hello, Peter. My name is Terry. I’ve been assigned to be your mentor. Now, can you tell me something about yourself?

PETER: You cannot pay cops enough. Great dinner I had with Donnie Banks the other night. You got a fine minor league team there, Durham NC. DO 2014 SUPER BOWL ORGANIZERS NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I CANNOT USE MY BLACKBERRY STORM IN SUBZERO TEMPS?

MENTOR: Oh, dear. We’ve got a lot of work to do with you.

I asked on Twitter: Which would you prefer for the future in the NFL — a 16-game season with four preseason games or an 18-game season with two preseason games. I got 593 responses, and the results surprised me.

@freetablets BARGAIN PRICES EXTENZE LEVITRA CIALIS VIAGRA ENHANCE YOUR BONER LIFE

@biloxijim wheres all the favre haters now? Best qb of ALL TIME

@marlinbob Is this where I go for Marlins news?

New Orleans (1-0). It’s been 11 days since the Saints played. Doubt that will mean much tonight at San Francisco, but it’ll be a talking point if the offense looks stale again.

Here’s something that means nothing. But I’ll bring it up again later if it’s not relevant again!

4. Houston (2-0). I’m so impressed with so many Texans, including the play-making Kevin Walter (11 catches, 144 yards), who gave the Redskins fits. “I love watching him make plays,” Schaub said. “He’s always where he’s supposed to be.”

“Also, he’s a small white receiver who works hard. Everyone loves those.”

11. New England (1-1). “It’s going to be a long week,” said Brady. Sure will be. Foxboro won’t be a fun place to work this week.

BELICHICK: You assholes make me sick. Sit there and watch while I dog this 50-year-old divorcee in front of you.

Lawrence Timmons, LB, Pittsburgh. Linebacker U. is producing another one.

Timmons went to Florida State. So this is the part where Peter tells you that the Steelers are actually a satellite campus of Penn State.

Goat of the Week

Matt Moore, QB, Carolina. The Panthers are stunned.

“We thought he’d be so much more nondescript than this!”

Where’s the Matt Moore who went 4-1 down the stretch last year, clearly winning the quarterback job and forcing Jake Delhomme out of town? Where’s the moxie?

I WANT MY MOXIE!

I know, I know. Looks like I blew this one.

Looks like you’ve blown MANY things and living creatures, good sir.

How not to handle a mini-crisis:

A quasi-situation?

Saturday morning, on an Amtrak train from Boston to New York, an elderly man fell in the bathroom while the train was near Stamford, Conn.

Stamford? Home of WWE headquarters? THIS MAN WAS PEARL HARBORED BY JEFF HARDY.

He banged his head and bruised his arm, and was lying on the floor of the train.

“I’ve fallen, and I can’t enjoy a Heineken Light!”

The train stopped to discharge…

TRAINGASM!

…and pick up passengers, and a nervous-sounding voice came over the PA about a man having fallen and we might have a delay. “I think we’re gonna need medical,” he said, with a scared edge to his voice.

I mean, are you kidding me?

Yes?

The PA system on a train with 300 passengers is not the place to sound borderline panicky about an old man who falls in the bathroom. A simple, “If there’s a doctor on the train, or any medical personnel, please report to the bathroom at the rear of the café car,” would do just fine.

Clearly, you Acela people have an awful lot to learn about how to handle a crisis. You need to be cool, calm, and GOD DAMMIT WHY IS THIS COFFEE URN NOT FULL? IT’S 5AM, MARRIOTT LAGUNA CLIFFS! YOU WILL BE HEARING FROM MY FUCKING LAWYER! I WILL BURN THIS PLACE DOWN!

I live on Amtrak on fall weekends…

I do NOT use cars. Except when I do.

…going back and forth to NBC Studios in New York for Football Night in America…

Let me show you just one such schedule on my transport resume…

and the train personnel are terrific, by and large. Might be time, though, for a little Calmness Training in emergency situations. (Emergency medical personnel came on the train after a few minutes, and the guy was shaken up but fine.)

If only there was a more calming, soothing, Barry White type voice on that PA.

Seriously? This is a problem for you? A dude fell on a fucking train and the PA guy was nervous for him. If THAT is the only thing you can complain about in life, you have it better than fucking Tom Brady.

Oh no! The PA announcer on Amtrak was a touch less calm than I would have liked!

Oh no! They’re trying to build a cell phone tower in Montclair!

Oh no! This McGiddle is lukewarm!

SUCK IT UP, FATTY.

My half-marathon (the New Hampshire Half-Marathon, Bristol, N.H.) is 12 days out now, and I’m quite excited to report I’ll have Team King running Oct. 2 as the leaves begin to turn in the heart of New England. I’ll be joined by my brother-in-law, Bob Whiteley;

But Pam won’t run? What a lazy whore.

two good friends from Montclair days, Mike (Mike From Montclair) Goldstein

GREAT nickname.

and George Frole; my button-pushing running trainer, Roberto Portocarrera…

ROBERTO: Joo muss push, Meester King.

PETER: I can’t do it, amigo! I’m tellin’ ya! I’m all maxed out!

ROBERTO: Joo can! Juss 13.19999999999999 miles left!

f. LaDainian Tomlinson: 22 carries, 138 yards, 6.3 per carry. Reborn.

Light: broughted.

Jake Locker, thought to be a candidate for the first overall pick next April, at least for now. In the ‘Huskers’ beatdown of Washington, Locker was an awful four-of-20 — that’s 20 percent completions.

Ooh! Getting better at that math, I see. What magical formulations can we expect next?

I think the most interesting thing I read this week, by far, was the column about Randy Moss in National Football Post by former Packer salary-cap czar and negotiator Andrew Brandt. Terrific insight about how angry Favre was when Packers GM Ted Thompson didn’t sign Moss in 2007. A snippet of it, starting with the time on draft weekend 2007, when it was the Patriots who got Moss over the Packers, because New England was willing to give Moss a one-year deal and a clear path to free-agency after the season, while Green Bay insisted on a second year:

“Brett was livid.”

How dare you not make me look good and not sacrifice your future for my personal gain?

I think I have four opinions on the Ines Sainz case:

And by four, I mean five!

I would write a letter to every Jets player and coach telling them it’s bush-league and beneath them to act like fourth graders trying to get the attention of the pretty girl in class.

Dear Jets,

Gall, Rex Ryan. You have some.

Sincerely,

Peter “Buttonmasher” King

b. If I were the boss of Ines Sainz, I would tell her, “Dress a little more conservatively.”

Then she’d say what do you mean? Then I’d say, “You know damn well you look fine.” Then she’d say, “What do you mean, with this tight ass and these big tits hanging out?” And then she’d strip down and we’d fuck like Mexican jumping beans. That’s what I’d do if I were her boss.

One of the byproducts of the Sainz story is the discussion of why women should be in the locker room in the first place — or why any reporters should be in the locker room.

Fifteen minutes after the (NFC title) game, a group of writers, me included, entered the locker room. My observations of the scene, and Favre’s state, were in Monday Morning Quarterback hours later. Read the first few paragraphs of this link. This should illustrate why the NFL will have to pry my cold, dead hands off postgame locker-room access.

Here’s a snippet from that link:

“Poor Breleigh,” Brett Favre said almost inaudibly, after hugging half of his organization and getting emotional with a few fellows, mostly Sidney Rice. Breleigh’s the daughter who urged him so strongly to come back last summer, and now Favre was thinking how distraught she must be. “I’m sure her heart’s broken.”

Pause.

“Of course, so is mine.”

Pretty sure I never need to read anything like that ever again. NFL, please kill this man and pry his access from his cold, dead, extremely meaty hands.

I saw the riveting movie, The Tillman Story, the other night, and it’s well worth 94 minutes of your time if you can find it in limited release around the country. But be forewarned: It’s disturbing, it does not make the government or the military look good at all, and it’s a depressing commentary on our image-is-everything society.

And the Nutley mall charged me $10 to see it. EXTORTION.

Oh, and who knew a movie about Pat Tillman’s life would be sad?

e. Good question by Joe Posnanski: How can Ron Gardenhire not be the best manager in baseball?

Uh, because he always blows it in the playoffs?

f. A couple of Mets notes:

ABOUT TIME!

Did you know that Wise is the official Cheez Doodle of the Mets?

No way! I BELIEVE THAT WISE CHEEZ DOODLES ARE THE FINEST OF ALL CHEEZ DOODLE PRODUCTS.

Coffeenerdness: Set a personal record for espresso shots (six) and cups of Italian Roast (three) Sunday.

This man must shit tar.

j. Good luck, Ross Tucker. It was great working with you. You’ve got a great future in this business.

If that business is stealing popcorn, I agree.

k. Best episode of The Office was on the other night. “The Dundies.” Remember? If you’re a real fan, you’ll remember who got “The Fine Work Award.” And “The Bushiest Beaver Award.” But can you remember what award Michael Scott gave Kevin?

A recap of a rerun of a tired sitcom?