Before we get into this week’s mailbag, let’s all stop to admire the fine work PUNTE did with the ‘bag last week. Much, much funnier than my best work, so I’ll be happy to cede the mailbag to him full-time after I die at Fight Gone Bad next weekend. Whether from physical exertion or embarrassment, I don’t know. But know that I will miss you all when I’m gone. Well, some of you. The handful that were both funny and nice to me.

Also, this is the second straight week that the mailbag hasn’t posted until Friday. I promise that’s not a permanent change. Last week I was off to celebrate my birthday; this week I suffered from computer issues. We should be back to Thursday afternoon next week.

Okay, I think that settles the administrative issues. Let’s get to your problems.

Dear Major Cro-Magnon (you deserve a promotion),

Indeed I do. Alas, it comes with no raise in pay.

fantasy: I’m commissioner of my league, and recently a trade dispute has distracted me from law school way more than it should. A league member missed the draft, so his team consists of Brady, Brees, and a bunch of terrible, terrible bench warmers. As a pats fan, he announced that Brees was on the table. 5 minutes later, he consummated a trade that sent Brees and Dennis Northcutt [yes, he owned Dennis Northcutt] to another owner in return for Cutlerfucker and Santana Moss. Does this look egregiously lopsided to you?

Well, yes. But it’s because your autodrafter clearly doesn’t know his head from his ass or the value of his players.

At any rate, the trade looked ridiculous on its face (I blame the dude who missed the draft; his trade partner clearly just lowballed him an opening offer as you should in this situation). Problem was, ESPN had defaulted to the league manager was the only one who could veto trades, and I never changed it because, frankly, I never noticed. I told him I wouldn’t veto because I didn’t think they were cheating, I just think one guy is a dumbass. 6 of the 12 league owners contacted me in an outrage, though,

Why? Because they didn’t get a chance to take advantage of that clown? Fuck them.

so I vetoed the trade, changed the settings to require a majority of owners to veto for the trade to cancel, and told them to re-consumate the deal. The guy who got Brees for nothing threw a fit and is threatening to quit.

The name of this fantasy league? Idiot Bitchfest ’10.

What should I have done? What should I do now, if anything? I really don’t have this much time or energy to devote to fantasy football when I need to be working.

Tell them if they have a problem, then they can be commissioner. Or fuck that idiot, let him quit as long as you’ve already collected his league dues. If he can’t make the draft or manage his team, what the fuck is he bringing to the table?

Sex: I know I’m not going to get any sympathy for this, but I’m rather well endowed. When my girlfriend and I lived together this was a positive thing for her, but now that we live 3 hours away and only see each other on the weekends she suffers significant pain whenever we do the horizontal bop, to the extent that it’s become a delicate and unpleasant experience. Since I’m sure all the guys at KSK have enormous schlongs, do you have any tips as to positions, etc that might take advantage of this special gift from God without hurting her?
Thanks,
Santonio Holmes

Lots of lube, and go verrrrrry slowly at first. Or you can get penis reduction surgery.

**********

Pigskin pornographers:
Football: So my two QBs are Kevin Kolb and Matt Stafford, which, uh, sucks. Besides not being very good, they’re now not able to even play. The top (i.e. only available) waiver-wire QBs are Hasselbeck, Silky Garrard, Vick, and Josh Freeman. Any recommendations for next week and/or the rest of the season?

I hope you’ve already had the good sense to pick up Vick. True, he still doesn’t throw with great accuracy — he never will — but he’s got great weapons in DeSean/Maclin/Celek, and you’ll get solid points from his rushing yards. Other than that, Matt Hasselbeck had an oddly good game against the supposedly stout Niners defense, and while the homer in me hopes that that’s a sign of his resurgence, I doubt it will be a season-long phenomenon.

Sexy time (not really): I met a girl at a wedding about a month ago, and we hit it off. Rather than leave well enough alone, we made an excuse to go out to dinner the day after the wedding and found out that, even when sober, we still kinda like each other. Of course, however, she lives over three hours away. I visited her for the weekend two weeks ago, and she’s coming into town this weekend to see me. So things are progressing towards a relationship (especially since things seem to move quicker once you start spending whole weekends together right off the bat). I’ve never done the long distance thing and don’t really know what I’m doing. As much as I like her, I wonder if I can really get to know her through phone calls, texts, and, at best, bi-weekly visits.

Seriously. Who ever got to know someone by talking to them?

At the same time, I’m getting older (late 20′s), most my friends are married, and I’m finding it harder to find attractive single girls that aren’t way too young for me. Jumping way ahead of myself, living near/with each other anytime soon wouldn’t be practicable, as she still has about two years of residency in a state where she doesn’t plan on staying (but, yeah, she’s a doctor, which is hot). So basically I want this to work, I realize its not practical, but I’m hoping you’re going to tell me its going to be OK and I’ll have a sugar mama who gives me free drugs.
-Ndonkeykong Suh

Let me see if I have this straight. Your friends are married, you don’t like the dating scene, and you’re starting a long-distance romance with a doctor who, to this point, has made no demands about exclusivity.

Write in next week when you can tell me what the problem is.

**********

Powers that be,
Pigskin: Without going into the agony that was my fantasy football draft, I’ll make this short. Is it too early to give up on the Texans as a premier passing attack?

Yes.

I have Schaub and picked him over Brady. There, I said it.

Well, that’s certainly not a decision I would have made, but I can understand how it would be tempting. Schaub scored about as many fantasy points as Brady last season; it’s not unreasonable to think they’ll be in the same upper tier this year — even with the disparity in their Week 1 performances.

Back when I wrote a weekly NFL column for FanHouse — this was approximately a million years ago — I wrote that the first four weeks of the NFL season are a complete mystery. It’s not until all teams have played four games that we get a real feel for what to expect out of teams and players. The sample size until then is just too small. So don’t panic. Yet.

Foreskin: At what point during a budding relationship is it universally accepted that both parties cut off the other strange? I know that nothing’s official until it’s “Facebook Official” (/vomit), but when is the right time to start thinning the herd in preparation for what you would reasonably hope to be a long term relationship? I’m sure the married guys out there will unanimously shout “NEVER,” but for the other serial monogamists, what’s the standard?

You are so much younger than me that it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying because although I don’t remember being as out of touch with monogamy as you are, at some point I probably was. And that means I am old.

Anyway, allow me to start with some corrections. First of all, NOTHING is universally accepted. Not God, not MasterCard, and especially not anything relating to women.

Second, re: “Facebook Official” — I have been listed as “Single” on Facebook for at least two years now. It doesn’t mean I haven’t had a girlfriend during that time, or that I don’t have one now, or that I want women to ask me out over the Internet. It just means that I’m not married. And also that I don’t use Facebook for much more than uploading photos and sharing links a couple times a week. There are women out there who understand that, and don’t need the reassurance of being “facebook official,” because Facebook doesn’t matter for SHIT. What matters is your behavior and the attitude to the person that you’re with. Your actions, not your status updates.

Third, do you even know any married people? Do you really think married men would unanimously tell you to never stop talking to prospective sexual conquests? “NEVER! Keep slaying all the tail you can! Never fall for some she-devil’s wiles! Oh, but to be freed from these chains of matrimony!”

Anyway. Go on.

I met a girl a few weeks ago that is great in every measurable category and even better at the intangibles.

Wow, such a clear description. It’s like you painted me a picture.

I think maybe you’ve been watching too much ESPN. “You wanna talk about a girl? THIS is a girl. Five-foot-five, 35-25-35. Excellent physique, really built to be a girlfriend, Boomer. But it’s not just her raw athleticism that I like. Look at the upside: ballet classes until she was 16, played club soccer in college, mild daddy issues, no gag reflex. Out-drank her sisters at Pi Phi but never got the ‘party girl’ label. This is excellent girlfriend value with long-term potential who’s gone under the radar.”

I don’t want to spend time with anybody but her, but I also don’t want to get ahead of myself to the point where if it doesn’t work out then I don’t have contacts anymore. Also, how do you go about doing it? Do you just come out and tell the other girls that you met someone and you want to see where it might lead, or just delete their number from your phone and respond to the next text message with “who is this?” I have a friend who does that. He is single.

Thank you for your continued support of my procrastination habit.
-Cornchowder

Good Lord, young people are terrible at everything. It’s not fucking rocket science. There’s not a mathematical equation, and there isn’t a set length of time or number of dates. If you like the person that you’re dating, then JUST STOP DATING OTHER PEOPLE, numbnuts. You don’t have to delete numbers from your phone or change your fucking Facebook status; you just date that one person. If one of your “contacts” gets in touch with you, then you tell her “I’m sorry, but I’ve started dating someone.”

Am I crazy for thinking this is obvious? I don’t remember needing to be told how this works.

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Dear Guys Who Produce One Sided Sexy Fridays,

Oh, Christ. Another female reader. What do we have to do to scare you away?

Fine, fine: here’s a picture of Jon Hamm and Isaiah Mustafa — the Men You Wish Your Man Looked and Smelled Like, respectively.

Don’t say we never gave ya nothin’.

Fantasy Football:
My QBs: Matthew Stafford & Ben Roethlisberger. Yeah, I took a QB late.

Ooh, I sense that I’m about to recycle some Vick advice.

So I’m in trouble here. I’ve gotten various trade offers from the league, where most of them are offering me a mediocre QB and some WR or RB in exchange for Ben and Chris Johnson. Basically my league sees this as a chance to get Cop Speed from me and loot my QB bench while they’re at it. I’m loathe to part with Cop Speed and I feel like Big Ben is my team mascot since it is named the “Preconsensual Offense”. So do you advise a work out a trade (it looks like will have to be Ben, no one wants Stafford) or go grab an undrafted QB (Anderson, Vick, Orton) until Ben is back?

Best offer so far: Big Ben, Chris Johnson and NYJ Def for Flacco, Ryan Grant (currently IR) and New Orleans Defense.

That is a fucking TERRIBLE trade.

If it matters my other RBs are Arian Foster, Ray Rice and Jahvid Best. With what I saved on QBs I went after RBs.

Pffft, I say pick up Vick and let Johnson, Foster, and Rice run rampant over your league. Roethlisberger’s only sitting out three more games; don’t mortgage your entire season for a stopgap QB.

Sex: So I like this guy and need help getting out of the friend zone (I know you rant about FZ questions but…). In November this guy broke up with a long term girlfriend, one he was crazy about and thought he was going to marry. She went crazy and it was a long and drawn out break up as she devolved into a total bitch.

I sincerely doubt she “devolved.” I suspect she merely showed her true colors.

The quickest way to explain it is that when he broke up with her, she showed up at his dorm screaming that “No one dumps her.” Campus security ended up removing her and calling the cops. It ended with her being shocked with a stun gun after she bit a city cop. Weapons grade crazy.

Oh wow. I bet she is FANTASTIC in bed. Just absolutely filthy.

Since then the guy has not dated at all. He’s not misogynist, perfectly nice to women but if a girl comes up to him and flirts he politely brushes her off or plays dumb. So I need advice on how to prove to him I’m stable, interested and not going to cap off our fights by biting a patrol officer.

Oh and i’m not fat, the other key part of getting a guy interested in you.
-Lexi

So you’re trying to tame the skittish stallion, eh? That’s no good when your chosen thoroughbred won’t stud.

Unfortunately, I have some experience in being psychologically scarred by a dangerously unbalanced girlfriend. Not to the point that I turned down sex like your boy here, but still: I was mentally unprepared for intimacy, fearful like a stray dog that’s been beaten. I honestly think the worst thing you can do is come off too strong; you’re better off just being a good friend to him, which is what he needs a lot more right now. You can go ahead and date other guys — just be sure to show what a cool and understanding partner you can be to those placeholder fellas while you wait for your stallion to stud.

***********

What’s going on?

Not much. Just tryin’ to get up that great big hill of hope. For a destination.

Sex first: Don’t know if you remember me, but I wrote in a couple of months ago about dating the girl that was taller that me. (here’s the link, my name was Short Stack.)

Well we became fuck buddies and we recently began an open relationship. In hindsight I’d rather just have continued being fuck buddies and I’ve never been in an open relationship before. I have no idea how this is going to work but fuck it, I’m getting laid regularly and I don’t have to worry about the rigors of a regular committed relationship.

Let me make it easy for you. “Fuck buddies” is the exact same thing as “open relationship.”

Fantasy: My league had its draft last week and I ended up with the first pick. QB (Brady), RB (C.Johnson, Mendenhall.) and TE (Clark, Gonzalez, Shiancoe) are all set. My WR other than Brandon Marshall, I think anyway, could use some help (Naanee, Maclin, Dez, Aromashodu.) Should I trade one of my TE’s and a RB or QB that populates my bench (Barber, Hightower, Orton) or just wait and see how the season unfolds?
Thanks,
Short Stack.

There isn’t a fantasy team on the planet that needs three fucking tight ends. Trade one (or two!) of yours for some receivers.

**********

Dear Sirs,
Football: How concerned should Mike Sims-Walker owners be after his opening weekend doughnut?

Not very. I don’t think Marcedes is going to be catching two touchdowns every week.

Non-football: Which is a worse age to be sexually frustrated: 18 or 34? Discuss.
Sincerely,
Brevity is the Soul of Wit

Hmmm, that’s a tough one. When you’re 18, a stiff breeze’ll make your dick hard, so sexual frustration comes easily. But 18-year-olds can whack off twice in the afternoon and still be prepared for a sexual encounter in the evening. There’s such a beautiful wide world of fucking in front of you, and sexual frustration is such a common thing at that age, that it’s not so bad.

On the other hand, as a man gets older, his mind only gets more perverse. At 34, you’ve had enough one-night stands and relationships with fantastic freaky sex that you KNOW what the hot women on the street could feasibly do, and at the same time you’re aware that that freaky sexual heyday is behind you. Ugh, so depressing. I’ll take sexual frustration at 18.

**********

Dear masters of the meta,
Fantasy first. After his fantasy break out, Arian Foster looks like a pretty good budget pick. Would you start him next week against Washington, or MJD against San Diego. I’m a homer for Arian so wanted to try to stay objective: was it just a miserable colts run d that made Houston look so good on the ground?

EDIT: Sorry, I didn’t answer this in the first go-round. I’m not sure who your other guy is that would bump one of these two, but I’d go with MJD. Don’t go chasing last week’s results.

Sex: it recently came to my attention through overheard conversations and misplaced electronic communication that I am the subject of a past mailbag, sent in by my girlfriend.

Intrigue!

The submission about a hapless boyfriend from “ladyfan” concerns me, although she included some false details presumably because I read KSK.

Timeout. Let’s look back at the crux of Ladyfan’s email:

My boyfriend and I get along wonderfully. We’re moving in together, parents love him, etc etc. Only problem is that I know way, way more about football than him. I’m an investment banker, the nerdy math kind, and I have a good mind for numbers and stats… Problem is, my boyfriend doesn’t know anything… I politely corrected him about Tony Dorsett finishing his career with the Broncos rather than the Cowboys and he did not take it well. I don’t know if it’s an affront to his manhood that his girlfriend knows more than him about football but he definitely reacted way worse to me than he would to any of his friends. Long story short- should I just stay quiet about football? Take a stand for female football fans everywhere and act like I would with anyone else? It was the most embarrassed I’ve ever seen him.

Now let’s hear the man’s side of the story.

I’m a texans fan, hate the cowboys, know about Tony Dorsett, etc.  Anyways, although she certainly does know a lot more about football than me, I found the message disconcerting because of the role sports plays in her relationship with exes. She plays in two different fantasy leagues with two ex boyfriends; it’s fine in the abstract even though it means constant communication with them and friendly banter etc. This is only a problem because of how intense she is about me not seeing or talking to my exes. She even went to a baseball game alone with one of her exes this summer and lied about it. I’ve just let it slide for now since i didnt find it too threatening but it’s starting to build up, especially because we are long distance.

Whoa ho ho ho! Ladyfan, you underhanded bitch!

So the question: is this something worth confronting her about or am I being a little bitch about her hypocrisy? If the former, what’s the best way to go about it? I figured comedically passive aggressive counter-mailbag, but maybe there’s a better way?
-Anonymous mailbag victim/member of the Arian (foster) nation

Well, it’s definitely something worth confronting her about, but you’re also being a little bitch by writing into the KSK mailbag instead of being a man and knowing more about football. Er, being a man and talking to her about it.

If you’ll allow me a tangent: I’m particularly concerned about the closeness she maintains with her ex-boyfriends. NOT because she’s hanging out with them, but because she’s so intent on you not seeing your exes (to say nothing of her lying about baseball game dates). Some people are jealous by nature; that’s fine. Other people are trusting; that’s preferable. Some people have ironclad integrity; others are prone to temptation. None of these traits are inherently prohibitive to having a successful relationship, but in my opinion and in my experience, the happiest couples are those who trust each other equally; those who respect each other equally; those who understand that we are intertwined with the people who have inhabited our lives, from parents to siblings to exes.

We ALL have exes. Some of them are sweet people who got their hearts broken. Others are demon spawn hellbent turning your life to shit. Because we shared part of our lives with them, they own a part of us. We are all bound to see them from time to time, be it coincidence or mutual friends or a misguided moral obligation. Exes are an entropic phenomenon; they slip into our lives through cracks in the walls, as inevitable as peeling paint or a hole in your favorite pants. You can no sooner rid a person of their exes than you can empty the New York subway of rats. And the best way for couples to deal with that is through mutual trust and communication.

Oh, and also NOT PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY FIGHTING THROUGH AN INTERNET FANTASY FOOTBALL MAILBAG.