With Labor Day weekend set to begin in, oh, let’s say two hours, I thought it would be fun to craft the perfect holiday. Each commenter will “draft” their own brand new federally recognized holiday. The holiday can honor anything, from your own birth, to a general appreciation of grills. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and declare August 5th, Grill Day (August 5th is also International Beer Day, how fortuitous). There’s grilling, beer, women dressed like vintage pin-up models, and for some reason, a giant pinata shaped like a Weber grill filled with thick-cut cured bacon. And even if you don’t like that stuff it’s still a day off in August, something our calendar sorely lacks.
Note: For this draft you’re allowed a maximum of two selections, not to be made within 20 picks of each other.
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National Judge Reinhold Day…everyone watches Beverly Hills Cop or Vice Versa or something, pleasures themselves to in-her-prime Phoebe Cates..unless you’re a woman, in which case you wouldn’t really celebrate Judge Reinhold Day. Traditionally, Judge Reinhold day would be a man’s holiday, so women would go to the movie theaters or some other out-of-the-way place.
Half Way Through the NFL Off Season Day – 6 teams have to play on the Sunday of Memorial Day. (No one gives a shit about the Indy 500 or NASCAR) 1pm, 4:30pm and 8pm kick offs. You’re off Monday so drink up.
Wins count toward the regular season, so if you’re one game out of the playoffs, you can use your Mem. Day win to move another team out of the way.
National Karaoke Day.
Every bar has an all day singing contest with the winner getting a free tab. Yeah, there will be some shitty, shitty singing out there, but that’s better than those assholes picking the same bullshit songs on the jukebox. At least this way you get to watch people make asses of themselves or actually see a few people step up and perform.
Gern – National blowjob day already exists….its called steak and blowjob day. It occurs 1 month after valentine’s day, or 3.14, which also happens to be PI day. So you get blowjob, steak, and finish it off with some pie!
Nobody took pot? Well I’ll be damned. Steal of the draft.
A national Pot Holiday where the night before you buy a quarter, and a ton of snacks. The next day you simply go to your favorite place with your favorite people and smoke it like Santonio
“Your life is up” day.
Need to close a loophole, if your sentence plus your age is equal to or greater than the retirement age then you are fucking executed also, or you have the choice of living out your life as being a sex slave to the guys serving 3-5 for drug charges.
As a truck driver I have to say gick holidays..if anything there are too many of them..they fuck my paycheck up.
National “Your life is up” day, could be around taxes due date to relieve some stress.
Any one with a life sentence in prison gets executed, we will leave it to the voters in each state to determine the method. I will be lobbying for the “stoning” method used by Iranians in which the public can participate.
Make it a carnival atmosphere, 3 rocks for 5$ to go to the victim’s fund.
/Why are we providing free room, board, medical, dental, transportation, legal defense and security for these rotten fuckers?
Beam the Guy in Red Weekend. One football weekend a year you get to chuck anything you want at that miserable SOB standing there in his red outfit looking at his watch while the rest of the stadium waits and waits.
Sling Shit at a Monkey Day
Everybody gets the day off and those so inclined can shit in a bag, light it on fire and throw said bag at monkeys. Zoos would earn their entire operating budgets in one day. WHEEEEE!!
@Zack
My neighbor across the street was an aide (Enlisted) For Puller in WWII. He tells awesome stories.
Way to many humans annoy me, so I would like to see a “Everyone-calm-the-fuck-down Day,” just like this guy: http://www.oesquema.com.br/trabalhosujo/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/sossega.jpg
Second pick
National Restaurant Day – basically, restaurants all open and make food for free for people to sample. You’re encouraged to go to as many restaurants as you can and sample as much shit as you want. Want to try Indian food, but never in hell wanted to ever pay for it for fear that it tastes as good as it looks? Now’s your chance, for free. Also, if the restaurant runs out of food, the owner gets publically flogged.
I know, I know, it doesn’t reek of awesome like Feast of St. Rexy, but I like food.
Handle Day
Every Working person in America over 21 gets a free handle of their favorite libation. Or anyone in the military regaurdless of age.
Three day weekend in August
National Hero Day. A day to celebrate and revere the true heroes in our country’s history. No, not fucking elementary school teachers and research scientists or any crap like that. Real heroes. People who have done incredibly badass things to save the lives of others and/or protect their country. Guys like Captain Chesley Sullenberger (you all remember him), Vance Flosenzier (who pulled a shark out of the ocean with his bare fucking hands after an attack in Florida), Chesty Puller (greatest Marine ever and recipient of FIVE Navy Crosses), and Homer Simpson (whose suit against the Frying Dutchman earned him the title of “the greatest hero in American history”).
@dancingbaptist i wrote into my will that the “sad rocky theme” has to be played
My idea for the next KSK draft – describe your funeral.
Mine is going to have loud music, open bar, and strippers. Celebrate life, don’t sit there and cry. Jimmy V said it best: Cry, Laugh,and think. I’d like to add Love (hence the booze and strippers).
I say rename the day of the Super Bowl to America – FUCK YEAH day. Where we celebrate violence, strippers, McDonalds, fake tits, more violence, and then to cap it all off the Super Bowl.
National Punch a Celebrity Day… dibs Ryan Seacrest
It Ain’t Cheating Day – everyone, on this one lovely day of the year is allowed to fuck whomever they want/can without consequences. I’d set this for late spring – maybe April, just when the clothes start getting hotter and you notice 30 hot POA’s on your way to work every morning.
Drunk hours – this isn’t so much a yearly holiday, as a daily apportionment of hours to fill a specific need. I think everyday between 2am and 4am it should be completely legal to drive as wasted as you care to. That way, everyone would know the rules, and know the danger of being on the road at that time. Thus, no victims – because everyone who could potentially end up in an accidence knowingly accepted that risk.
Also, it would help as population control.
I will also be choosing February 30th for National Rape Me In The Ass Day.
Feb 30th shall forever more be the day rich folks give a fuck about the poor and shall donate 50% of their assets to charity. Let the bells of generosity toll!
First of all, it’s the Feast of St. Rexy, not “Rex Ryan Day.”
Simmons nominates D-Day. “THE FACKIN NARRATIVE STRUCTURE OF SAVING PRIVATE RYAN IS NAWT ACCURATE! WILLIAM GOLDMAN TOLD ME SO! MEG RYAN IS WAY MOAH CONVINCING THAN ED BURNS! HOW DO WE AKNOW ANYTHING IN MOVIES ANYWAY? IT’s WRITING ONE-OH-ONE”
\beats off into faded Dwight Evans jersey
\\inserts VHS of Real World: Seattle
\\\ nails door over window to protect house in Wareham from Hurricane Earl WEAVAH
Bullet Day
Everyone gets one bullet to do with as the please without any repercussions.
Kill the fucker ahead of you at Starbucks when he takes five minutes to order his soy latte? Go for it. Kill your ex-girlfriend when she shows up for child support? Don’t mind if you do. Shoot off a friend’s testicle while he sleeps? Fucking hilarious.
Let’s take a fucking snack break while we wait for Sexy Friday.
Note: For this draft you’re allowed a maximum of two selections, not to be made within 20 picks of each other.
That must mean Sexy Friday is not only coming early today, but it’s gonna bring the fuckin’ pain. AMIRITE Maj?
National Pussytubing Day:
This would commence the first monday after opening weekend of the NATIONAL. FOOTBALL. LEAGUE. After 6 months off, we’re all so shitfaced and hungover from watching as much football as humanly possible on opening weekend. We need a way to cure the hangover and transition back into the regular work week following opening weekend. I say that we all do as much pusstubing as possible that Monday and get back to work refreshed and READY TO FUCKING KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!
December 13 – Rex Ryan Day. You eat a rack of ribs for each meal and can’t say a sentence without the word “fucking.”
“@Percy’sMigraneMadness – When did the Cheesy Gordita Crunch go away? I’ve been ordering it and getting it for the last five years.”
Same here. Although I noticed it’s not on some Taco Bell menu boards. You just have to ask for it and they make it, though.
I’ll go with my birthday, December 28. There must be at least one football, one hockey, one basketball, a pretty attractive bowl game, and if it lands on the weekend, a stacked MMA PPV card on that day.
Because it’s my day, breakfast– well, pancakes– will be served non-stop all day and steak will be the dinner of choice. Liquor stores have to open up at 6 am and can’t close until the 29th.
March 17th. National holiday.
I haven’t thought of a name yet but we could have some sort of ethnic theme. Scottish perhaps.
National “Just Like In the Movies” Day
Where you get to plow your significant other Porn Style. Oh, sure, some of you will say “but I already do,” to which I say, watch filthier porn.
@ City of Industry Football Corporation
We have that already twice. It is the day before and the day after the All Star game.
@Drave – Holy shit, my entire life may be based on subconscious ideas picked up from watching the original Star Trek.
@ ITouchDownThere
We have that already, it’s called Halloween.
@Ghost Mutt — Tell ya what. I’ll visit your country first on my parade, even though I can’t stand to fly into de Gaulle this time of year.
@mgarrett, that is the greatest idea ever.
I’d think that I’d like a holiday where all speed laws do not apply.
and @Stonecutter LOFTY…
but I already have those days. I build them into my vacation schedule as “floater holidays” IE, when its the first day its 75, I get to call in and do nothing all damn day but hit golf balls and get fucked up at noon
National Slut It Up Day
Free pass to wear your slutsuits, have guys buy you drinks and go home with them with no remorse or walk of shame the next day.
National Kill A Homeless Guy With No Repercussions Day
Uh, I mean, National Fudge Day
(Inter)National Opening Day of NFL season, of course
Also, for us NFL-loving Canadians, we could co-opt American Thanksgiving and take a 4-day weekend in Late November
The Day After Halloween Day (Nov. 1st), because it is fucking fun to get fucked up on Halloween, hit on sluts dressed like sluts, maybe get laid, and not have to fucking go to work the next day.
No Censorship Day. For one day a year there will be no censoring of TV, radio, print, or whatever you want to say or wear in public. Nudity and fucks for all!
@LaFarve’s Next Drink says: National Pandemonium Day
It would commence with “Red Hour”
/Star Trek TOS’d: http://memory-alpha.org/wiki/Festival
@SonOfSpam – Lofty pick.
@Percy’sMigraneMadness – When did the Cheesy Gordita Crunch go away? I’ve been ordering it and getting it for the last five years.
BAAAAHSTAN fans vote for September 23, commemorating the day (in 2001) when Mo Lewis KTFO Drew Bledsoe and ushered in the TAAHHHMMMMMYY BRAAAADDYYY era.
/ Not a Pats fan, but I’d celebrate this… Bledsoe was a douche
@ CIFC – This already exists. It’s called the Day After the All-Star Game.
National Lottery Day. August 2nd. (Why that day? Why not??? HUH??? FUCK YOU! WHAT?)
One U.S. Citizen, over 18, is randomly selected…the winner gets to execute anyone in the country, in any manner he/she sees fit, on live national TV. Yeah.
National No Baseball Day
Probably sometime in June before NFL training camps start and you are so sick of the only sports being stupid baseball scores and stupid baseball games. There will be no baseball games nor any baseball news or baseball talk on this, the National No Baseball Day.
@J4B: Including other departments helps, but not much though I did forget about the other hot girl in my department. It’s going to be a mad scramble as about 200 guys descend on about 7 women in the building.
@ Stonecutter : Love, love, LOVE that idea.
For my second pick, National Total Honesty Day. Lying, through either commission or omission, half-truths and little white lies are forbidden for one day. It should be in February when it’s cold and shitty and you’re already in a foul mood. Think your boss is an asshole? You have to tell him. Want a divorce? Time to nut up because you can’t shut up. Really want to fuck that girl at the coffee shop? No more furtive glances at her chest and hoping she notices you always leave a big tip. Today is the day America comes clean.
@mgarret987 – That’s phenomenal.
@stonecutter – The best idea ever. You’d have to do it locally though.
National have sex with the person you absolutely could have had but passed on while you were dating someone else because you’re a good (stupid) person day. Only applicable if you and the other person are still single and still want it, because you’re still a good (stupid) person.
@ Dancing Baptist
I never said it wasn’t a great or desirable country – I just find the “we kicked their ass”, “every other country is somehow socialist” over-enthusiasm funny
June 6th. D-Day.
All domestic alcohols are free. All NFL teams play one game.
Oh, and meat products, fellatio, nudity, whatever.
Yeah, they’re pointing and laughing as they get in line at the consulate for a visa.
Anyhoo….
One day a year, servicemen and women, Police and Firefighters get to eat free all darned day AND free lap dances at the nudie bar.
National Birthday Suit Day:
I’ve done a lot of thinking on this: I will institute a database with pictures of every person in the United States naked. Every year, each person over 18 years of age can request to view any one person’s naked picture for a viewing period of ten minutes. After they’ve used up their viewing, they have to wait another year until they can view another. It’s just not fair for all these foxy ladies to be walking around without anyone being able to see them naked. It would eliminate alot of the elitism in this country.
My first pick: Sarah Palin.
@TB: First come, first served. Or is that first served, first come? Sorry to hear that about the lack of hot chicks in your office. Maybe in that case, it should be expanded to bang the hot office chick that you saw during her lunch break even though she works in a different building or on a different floor.
Working for a big company definitely has its advantages.
Nobody said “Madden Day” yet?
I’ll take that shit.
National “Funny American Pride day”
Mendoza’s Underachieving Brother will travel on a whirlind round the world trip to give the exact speech he gave above to the population of all civilized countries of the World so they can point and laugh at him
Limited-Time-Offer Awareness Day.
Example: Taco Bell brings back the Cheesy Gordita Crunch, McDonalds brings back the McRib, etc.
Twice a year.
/didn’t eat breakfast this morning
Mick – when my wife asks what I want for my birthday this year, I’m just going to forward your post.
National It’s Too Fucking Nice To Be Stuck Indoors Day
Twice a year – Spring and Fall – the President randomly shows up on TV at 5am ET to give the entire country the day off. Grocery and liquor stores can stay open until 11am to meet yout BBQ needs, but that’s it.
October 5th is now National Pandemonium Day. No rules, laws are invalid, do whatever the fuck you want.
July 5th – National We’re Still Better Than You Day
Right after we celebrate kicking Britain’s ass and showing our superiority, the following day is dedicated for the other douchenozzle countries out there that, yes, we’re still better than you in almost every conceivable fashion. We may have jerkwads in all facets of our government, our society is probably on the downhill slope in terms of moral standards, and we have way too many men inadvertently entering the “friend zone”, but you couldn’t pay me enough to live in your shithole, backwards socialist state.
Strippers, drugs, booze, more strippers, and steaks are all requisite party favors.
@ J4B: I like where your head’s at, but there’s only one hot girl in my office (maybe two if we include the intern) so what do you do in that situation? Pull a train? I don’t want my co-workers’ sloppy seconds.
National cheat day.
Once a year, you and your wife/husband/gf/bf/goat get to screw anybody they want (with a rubber, you dirty bastards), or as many people as they want in said timeframe.
I don’t give a shit what time of year this happens.
A four-day weekend to watch the first two rounds of March Madness should have been federally sanctioned 25 years ago.
National fuck the neighbors day. Let’s call it October 23rd. You can open all of the windows crank up the electric guitar “to 11″ and shred the fucking house down. You can also smoke blunts on the patio, smoke a 10 pound pork shoulder on the barbecue (complete with 16 hours of hickory smoke), have an ice cold kegger and invite over strippers. The neighbors are not allowed to complain or call the cops.
I’m calling in sick now.
The day after the Super Bowl, obviously.
Since we need more holidays during the middle of the year, I propose that Towel Day be made official.
National Kick Your Boss in the Nuts Day.
Even though I would be on the receiving end of some kicks, it would be worth it to pass the pain up the line.
National Bang a Hot Co-Worker Day.
This is the one and only day a year where it is acceptable to bang a hot chick that you work with. The other 364 days of the year, said action may never be spoken of again. Ladies, feel free to take advantage of this day as well. We know you want to…
/Tracer Bullet, you stole the holiday right outta my mouth. Well done.
@ Kam Fong
Actually I’m telling my wife that holiday is today. Think it’ll work?
National “Blokes get the House all to Themselves Day”.
Here is how it works. You wake up to your wife or girl dressed in the sluttiest thing you have ever seen her in. She proceeds to blow you, then kisses you on the cheek and grabs the kids, the Mom and whoever else happens to live with you and leaves for the day. And does not come back until the next day.
You are allowed to do whatever you want in your place. This includes strippers or whatever. Or you can just chill by yourself and watch ballgames all day and order pizza.
The dogs are allowed to stick around provided it isn’t some shit breed like a poodle or cocker spaniel that really isn’t your dog anyway. Mastiffs, Pitbulls, Bulldogs, Mutts, Great Danes, acceptable.
National Bang-the-girl-you-lost-your-virginity-to-so-she-can-see-how-much-better-you-are-at-having-sex-now Day.
@Gern
Of course that holiday would fall on the 8th of June.