It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the NFC East, home to the the league’s largest stadiums and the obnoxious fans who fill them on a weekly basis.
Key Additions: Alex Baron, Dez Bryant
Key Departures: Flozell Adams, Ken Hamlin, Bobby Carpenter, one of Wade Phillips’ chins
Five Fast Facts About The Cowboys:
-Tashard’s Choice was probably Meryl Streep’s worst movie to date. Unless you count Death Becomes Her.
-Marty B is probably the most entertaining 15-catch tight end in the NFL right now.
-Roy Williams still blows, in case you were wondering.
-L.P. LaDouceur is French Canadian, and that makes me uncomfortable.
-F*ck the Cowboys.
Over/Under For 2010: 10
Nothing will come easy in the division, and on top of that they travel to Houston, Minnesota, Green Bay, and Indianapolis. But hey, they get to play host to New Orleans. I don’t see where the 11 wins are going to come from.
NEW YORK GIANTS
Key Additions: Jim Sorgi (straight to IR), Sage Rosenfels, Antrell Rolle, Deon Grant , Jason Pierre-Paul
Key Departures: David Carr, Fred Robbins, Jeff Feagles, Antonio Pierce
Five Fast Facts About The Giants:
-When Madison Hedgecock’s career is over he’s going to retire to a southern plantation and insist that everyone refer to him as The Sodbuster.
-The Giants Superfan up there is Reby Sky, and yes, she’s done the NSFW stuff.
-Eli Manning got a dog this summer. His name is Bulls Eye.
-Bulls Eye will serve as the team’s emergency quarterback.
-Tom Coughlin’s gimp is named Harold.
Over/Under For 2010: 8.5
The Giants are a .500 team this year. I’m not prepared to back this up with anything. Although I could point at a picture of Eli for awhile.
Key Additions: Brandon Graham, Nate Allen, Darryl Tapp
Key Departures: Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook, Chris Gocong, Sheldon Brown, Reggie Brown, Kevin Curtis, Alex Smith, Will Witherspoon, Darren Howard
Five Fast Facts About The Eagles:
-Andy Reid has to eat a lot of Chunky bars to get the five daily servings of fruit that his doctor recommends.
-Stewart Bradley is a pretty chill bro.
-Mike Kafka is sick of bug jokes. He prefers The Trial anyway.
-Asante Samuel is terrified of grapefruit.
-Trent Cole earned the nickname “The Hunter” after he killed a buck with his bare hands.
Over/Under For 2010: 8.5
The Eagles have plenty of depth on defense and an offense that shouldn’t see much of a drop off from previous years, even after parting ways with their veteran leaders. DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, and ReJeremy Maclin will all need to perform at a consistent level to ease the transition for Kevin Kolb.
Key Additions: Donovan McNabb, Rex Grossman, Trent Williams, Joey Galloway, Larry Johnson, Adam Carriker, Maake Kemoeatu.
Key Departures: THAT RAT F*CK VINNY CERRATO WOOOOOOOOOOO!, Jason Campbell, Todd Collins, Ladell Betts, Antwaan Randle El, Chris Samuels, Randy Thomas, Cornelius Griffin, Fred Smoot.
Five Fast Facts About The Redskins:
-I wanted to list Ethan Albright as a key departure, but then i realized I was taking the phrase a bit loosely. Whatever, I still miss you, Red Snapper, even if Madden never gave you love.
-The cheerleaders are still captivating.
-Albert Haynesworth has his flaws, but apparently he can screw all night.
Over/Under For 2010: 7.5
Dear God, just give me a winning season. I can’t take losing to these aforementioned assholes for another year. Oh, and I’m sorry about publishing a post on Rosh Hashanah. Just for that I’m going to eat extra apples and honey.
I want more like this!
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