It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC East, where even the presence of Bill Belichick, Bill Parcells and Rex Ryan can’t counterbalance the crushing weight of suck that is Chan Gailey.
Your rooting interest is invalid.
Key Additions: C.J. Spiller, Dwan Edwards, Cornell Green, Andra Davis
Key Departures: Aaron Schobel, Terrell Owens, Josh Reed, Richie Incognito
Five Fast Facts About The Bills:
– Holy shit, this team is terrible.
– Just really, really godawful.
– I can’t even intellectually assess the depths of its horrors.
– And Chan Gailey is coaching this team? Jeeeeesus.
– If the recent history of their quarterbacks is any indication, Trent Edwards will be a UFL champion by the end of the year.
– Bonus sixth fact: By virtue of having no other recognizable receivers on the roster, f*ckface Lee Evans once again has become a tempting fantasy option. DO NOT BE DUPED, FAIR CITIZENS!
Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins
One thing that I’ve appreciated about the recent terrible Rams teams is that St. Louis has been generous both will giving wins to opponents but also racking up fantasy points for Steven Jackson owners. If there’s anything that really irritates me, it’s a team that is at once worthless on the field, but also in the fantasy game as well (looking at you, Tampa Bay). All this is just my way of saying, “Hey, Chan Gailey, don’t force me to make orphans of your children, and then corpses of those orphans, and then sex objects of those corpses. Just keep running C.J. Spiller and all will be well.”
“Oh my God! The undead have risen and are rooting tepidly for Miami!”
Key Additions: Brandon Marshall, Karlos Dansby, Richie Incognito
Key Departures: Ted Ginn, Jr., Joey Porter, Jason Taylor’s automobile navigation skills, Gibril Wilson, Pat White, Greg Camarillo
Five Fast Facts About The Dolphins:
– Kendall Langford never recovered the 2.5-carat earring he lost at practice last week. Using this as an example of how practice is bad for you, Albert Haynesworth just purchased a diamond body suit.
– Brian Hartline: Ohio State’s latest scrappy hope at redemption with the Dolphins after the atrocity that was Ted Ginn, Jr.
– When informed that he would be a Pro Bowl alternate last season, Lousaka Polite, wrote a very moving thank you note to all the coaches and players, even though they didn’t initially grant him a place on the team.
– Ricky Williams, who once said he was going to retire after the 2010 season, is now seeking a contract extension from the Dolphins. Obviously he doesn’t want to miss out on the lockout year reefer madness that Florio is blithering about.
– This team somehow willingly accepted Benny Sapp when they traded Greg Camarillo to the Vikings. Maybe the threat of cheap shots will be used as a deterrent to keep Brandon Marshall from beating up more women.
Over/Under For 2010: 8.5 wins
The Dolphins have been getting a lot of preseason playoff hype for a team that has Chad Henne as its starting quarterback. Nevertheless, Henne looked at times halfway decent during his first year as a starter in 2009 and will certainly be aided by the addition of Marshall. If Ronnie Brown could ever be trusted not to get injured at some point in the season, I would feel somewhat better about their chances, especially with Sticky Ricky having turned 33 this year. Still, I see Miami taking an incremental step forward.
NEW ENGLAND FOOTBALL RED SOX
“In the shower, grit is known as ‘pumice'”
Key Additions: Alge Crumpler, Gerald Warren, Marques Murrell
Key Departures: Benjamin Watson, Jarvin Green, Adalius Thomas, Shawn Springs
Five Fast Facts About The Greatriots:
– Bill Simmons is using the image of rookie tight Rob Gronkowski as his Twitter avatar. Chances he wears his jersey to an upcoming screening of The Town? About the same of there being six unnecessary exterior shots of Fenway Park in that movie.
– Leigh Bodden went on IR the last week of August. When this is considered to be big news, your team did not have a very good secondary to begin with.
– Lucky for the Pats, but the Red Sox are still nine games back from deflecting any interest once the season begins Sunday. Just kidding, the NFL season still won’t start in Boston until October.
– New punter Zoltan Mesko speaks five languages and holds two degrees, including a master’s in sports management. Says Pats fan: “WELL IF HE’S SO FACKING SMAHT, WHY DONCHA READ MY FAHTUNE, YA RAAHMANIAN GYPSY FACK!?”
– I think it bears repeating that flubby’s suggestion of “Consequences Will Never Banta-Cain” is still the most clever fantasy name I’ve heard this year.
Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins
Hey, remember those halcyon days a few years back when the Patriots didn’t have to worry about the slightest bit of competition from anyone in their division? That sure was fun, wasn’t it? The Patriots responded to the mammoth drubbing they took in the first round of the playoffs last season by… doing very little with the roster. That isn’t necessarily a horrible thing, but the Dolphins and the Jets have certainly found a way to improve while the Pats are standing, uh, pat. That and Randy Moss has already gone into full-on sulking mode before the season has even begun. Here’s to future route jogging, Randy.
NEW YORK JETS
Key Additions: Santonio Holmes, LaDainian Tomlinson, Antonio Cromartie, Jason Taylor, Nick Folk, Brodney Poole
Key Departures: Alan Faneca, Leon Washington, Thomas Jones, Kerry Rhodes, Jay Feely, several hundred Rex Ryan shits
Five Fast Facts About The Jets:
– Ben Hartsock? Your new nickname is COCKSOCK. It’s not subtle, but then again, there’s never anything subtle about a cock in a sock.
– Sure, Nick Mangold got a new car from his bet with Darrelle Revis. But Holly Mangold got… nothing. Such are the consequences of living in a nation that so harshly punishes female obesity.
– Thought you disliked LaDainian Tomlinson before? Well, if you drafted Shonn Greene, wait until LaToeInjury steals far too many of his carries because Rex wants to prove how smart he was to sign him.
– Tired of the constant Terminator jokes, John Conner has vowed that if the machines do rise up, he will be sure to destroy all movie playing devices first.
– Veteran fullback Tony Richardson was cut by the team earlier this week, only to be signed again a day later. Richardson said his day away from the Jets felt like five years, or 1/25th of his career.
Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins
The overwhelming amount of hype surrounding this team has caused some to assume that the Jets will completely fall on their face and finish .500 or possibly worse. I had a hard time believing that even before Darrelle Revis finally signed and I have a harder time believing it now. Granted, the imminent shittiness of Mark Sanchez prevents them from being a lock to make the Super Bowl, much less win the division, but it’s pretty safe to say the Jets will win at least 10 games.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.