KSK 2010 Prekkake: AFC East
09.08.10It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC East, where even the presence of Bill Belichick, Bill Parcells and Rex Ryan can’t counterbalance the crushing weight of suck that is Chan Gailey.
BUFFALO BILLS
Your rooting interest is invalid.
Key Additions: C.J. Spiller, Dwan Edwards, Cornell Green, Andra Davis
Key Departures: Aaron Schobel, Terrell Owens, Josh Reed, Richie Incognito
Five Fast Facts About The Bills:
- Holy shit, this team is terrible.
- Just really, really godawful.
- I can’t even intellectually assess the depths of its horrors.
- And Chan Gailey is coaching this team? Jeeeeesus.
- If the recent history of their quarterbacks is any indication, Trent Edwards will be a UFL champion by the end of the year.
- Bonus sixth fact: By virtue of having no other recognizable receivers on the roster, f*ckface Lee Evans once again has become a tempting fantasy option. DO NOT BE DUPED, FAIR CITIZENS!
Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins
Verdict: UNDER
One thing that I’ve appreciated about the recent terrible Rams teams is that St. Louis has been generous both will giving wins to opponents but also racking up fantasy points for Steven Jackson owners. If there’s anything that really irritates me, it’s a team that is at once worthless on the field, but also in the fantasy game as well (looking at you, Tampa Bay). All this is just my way of saying, “Hey, Chan Gailey, don’t force me to make orphans of your children, and then corpses of those orphans, and then sex objects of those corpses. Just keep running C.J. Spiller and all will be well.”
MIAMI DOLPHINS
“Oh my God! The undead have risen and are rooting tepidly for Miami!”
Key Additions: Brandon Marshall, Karlos Dansby, Richie Incognito
Key Departures: Ted Ginn, Jr., Joey Porter, Jason Taylor’s automobile navigation skills, Gibril Wilson, Pat White, Greg Camarillo
Five Fast Facts About The Dolphins:
- Kendall Langford never recovered the 2.5-carat earring he lost at practice last week. Using this as an example of how practice is bad for you, Albert Haynesworth just purchased a diamond body suit.
- Brian Hartline: Ohio State’s latest scrappy hope at redemption with the Dolphins after the atrocity that was Ted Ginn, Jr.
- When informed that he would be a Pro Bowl alternate last season, Lousaka Polite, wrote a very moving thank you note to all the coaches and players, even though they didn’t initially grant him a place on the team.
- Ricky Williams, who once said he was going to retire after the 2010 season, is now seeking a contract extension from the Dolphins. Obviously he doesn’t want to miss out on the lockout year reefer madness that Florio is blithering about.
- This team somehow willingly accepted Benny Sapp when they traded Greg Camarillo to the Vikings. Maybe the threat of cheap shots will be used as a deterrent to keep Brandon Marshall from beating up more women.
Over/Under For 2010: 8.5 wins
Verdict: OVER
The Dolphins have been getting a lot of preseason playoff hype for a team that has Chad Henne as its starting quarterback. Nevertheless, Henne looked at times halfway decent during his first year as a starter in 2009 and will certainly be aided by the addition of Marshall. If Ronnie Brown could ever be trusted not to get injured at some point in the season, I would feel somewhat better about their chances, especially with Sticky Ricky having turned 33 this year. Still, I see Miami taking an incremental step forward.
NEW ENGLAND FOOTBALL RED SOX
“In the shower, grit is known as ‘pumice’”
Key Additions: Alge Crumpler, Gerald Warren, Marques Murrell
Key Departures: Benjamin Watson, Jarvin Green, Adalius Thomas, Shawn Springs
Five Fast Facts About The Greatriots:
- Bill Simmons is using the image of rookie tight Rob Gronkowski as his Twitter avatar. Chances he wears his jersey to an upcoming screening of The Town? About the same of there being six unnecessary exterior shots of Fenway Park in that movie.
- Leigh Bodden went on IR the last week of August. When this is considered to be big news, your team did not have a very good secondary to begin with.
- Lucky for the Pats, but the Red Sox are still nine games back from deflecting any interest once the season begins Sunday. Just kidding, the NFL season still won’t start in Boston until October.
- New punter Zoltan Mesko speaks five languages and holds two degrees, including a master’s in sports management. Says Pats fan: “WELL IF HE’S SO FACKING SMAHT, WHY DONCHA READ MY FAHTUNE, YA RAAHMANIAN GYPSY FACK!?”
- I think it bears repeating that flubby’s suggestion of “Consequences Will Never Banta-Cain” is still the most clever fantasy name I’ve heard this year.
Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins
Verdict: UNDER
Hey, remember those halcyon days a few years back when the Patriots didn’t have to worry about the slightest bit of competition from anyone in their division? That sure was fun, wasn’t it? The Patriots responded to the mammoth drubbing they took in the first round of the playoffs last season by… doing very little with the roster. That isn’t necessarily a horrible thing, but the Dolphins and the Jets have certainly found a way to improve while the Pats are standing, uh, pat. That and Randy Moss has already gone into full-on sulking mode before the season has even begun. Here’s to future route jogging, Randy.
NEW YORK JETS
Key Additions: Santonio Holmes, LaDainian Tomlinson, Antonio Cromartie, Jason Taylor, Nick Folk, Brodney Poole
Key Departures: Alan Faneca, Leon Washington, Thomas Jones, Kerry Rhodes, Jay Feely, several hundred Rex Ryan shits
Five Fast Facts About The Jets:
- Ben Hartsock? Your new nickname is COCKSOCK. It’s not subtle, but then again, there’s never anything subtle about a cock in a sock.
- Sure, Nick Mangold got a new car from his bet with Darrelle Revis. But Holly Mangold got… nothing. Such are the consequences of living in a nation that so harshly punishes female obesity.
- Thought you disliked LaDainian Tomlinson before? Well, if you drafted Shonn Greene, wait until LaToeInjury steals far too many of his carries because Rex wants to prove how smart he was to sign him.
- Tired of the constant Terminator jokes, John Conner has vowed that if the machines do rise up, he will be sure to destroy all movie playing devices first.
- Veteran fullback Tony Richardson was cut by the team earlier this week, only to be signed again a day later. Richardson said his day away from the Jets felt like five years, or 1/25th of his career.
Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins
Verdict: OVER
The overwhelming amount of hype surrounding this team has caused some to assume that the Jets will completely fall on their face and finish .500 or possibly worse. I had a hard time believing that even before Darrelle Revis finally signed and I have a harder time believing it now. Granted, the imminent shittiness of Mark Sanchez prevents them from being a lock to make the Super Bowl, much less win the division, but it’s pretty safe to say the Jets will win at least 10 games.
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I am glad to be a visitor of this utter website, thank you for this rare information!
hey!,I like yourwritting so much! share we chat more about your blog on Yahoo? Looking forward to see you.
Don’t worry, I hate Jets fans too. I take no pleasure in their team’s success.
Alright, fair enough. Can’t wait to see how it shakes out. I mean, I don’t have a dick joke blog or anything, so i’m hardly qualified to debate this. I just think that the Pats are still the team to beat in the east, the fins made some improvements, and the jets have the most entertaining coach, worst fans, and are the shittiest media darling since King picked the Panthers to go to the SB. Sorry if i’m being annoying, big fan, keep up the the great work, and I hope everyone (even Jets fans) enjoy the opener tonight.
Braylon’s a capable no. 2 receiver. Santonio can make Sanchez look better. As a Steelers fan, I know all you have to do is throw him a screen at the line and he’ll run for 13 yards. He’s that good in the open field.
@Christmas Ape
I’m not a Dolphins fan, I’m just saying that I think that the the team that improved the most was the Dolphins. Braylon Edwards sucked in Cleveland, and adding Sanchez to the mix will change nothing. LaToe is LaToe, and i’m sick of talking about the Jets, they’re still the same old Jets until proven otherwise (and a 9-7 season is not proving anything, even if they did stumble into the AFC champ. game).
The first four fast facts about the Bills are everything I need to know about them. O CANADA!
Zoltan Mesko, the space emperor (of space), is one more reason to hope the Patriots have to punt abundantly.
Nice assesment on the Bills, but make note – 4chan has indicated he is excited to get the ball into the hands on one Roscoe Parrish, so if you FF team is looking for a 5 foot nothing 100 pound slot reciever – just sayin’
Over/Under on how long into “The Town” that “Shipping up to Boston” by Dropkick Murphy’s makes an appearance: 5 minutes.
I’m taking the Under.
finalized
good lord… that jets fan video has fianlized my belief in the demise of human civilization. WTF was on that dudes mouth?
Yes yes yes, we all know Sanchez sucks. However, mind you that he’s started one year in college and one year in the pros, he’s not expected to be Peyton Manning or even Chad Henne here.
Not to be a cocksucker, but I agree with Ape’s assessment of New England completely. They built a fucking juggernaut of a team, but Brady’s getting older and less effective. Instead of shoring up the defense to help take the load of brady having to score 40 points a game, the front office decided to…. do nothing.
As a life long Eagles fan, I can empathize. The Kotite years still haunt me.
Say what you want about the Jets, but their gay fans are pretty tough. Chugging an entire 1/4 of a bottle of lukewarm Heineken on camera strikes fear into the AFC East’s other gay fanbases.
The Pats drafted Aaron Hernandez just so their fans could view Gronkowski as the gritty underdog in the fight to beat out the hyped-up Hispanic tight end.
I know we’re f@cked because every posted comment didn’t trash the Pats in some way. Being relevant wasn’t much fun in terms of getting spat upon at every opportunity, but it sure beat irrelevancy (e.g., living in Buffalo).
Don’t talk shit about Gronkowski. He’s the white Ben Coates that all of us New Englanders have been wishing for… from the very bottom of our secretly racist hearts. He’s also one of the few things thats letting me ignore the fact that our defensive ends and outside linebackers are an atrocity. But fuck it, I feel like I pretty much have to do this:
FACK YOU YOU FACKIN INTAHNET QUEEAHS, THE GREAT-TREE-AHHTS DYNASTY WILL NEVAH DIE. THOSE FLAHRIDA FAGGOTS, THE WRONG ISLAND ISLAND GUINEA GREASERS, AND TEAM CANADA CAN ALL GO SUCK OWAH HAIRY CAWKS.
If the AFC East was a porno, the Pats would spend the entire flick smacking the Fins, Bills and Jets in the face with their cock.
Afterward, the Bills would end up crying in the shower, the Fins would call their agent and complain about getting more money and the Jets would spend weeks telling everyone they were the star of the movie and how they could handle a dick face-smacking from ten guys.
ZOLTAN!!!!
/Dude, Where’s My Car’d
Re: that picture of Welker…stop being chummy with the people you are supposed to cover, cocksucking media whores.
Why are all the retards who get pissed about our predictions fans of Florida teams?
Oh right. It’s Florida.
hahaha, nice, the complete over-estimation of the jets is going to make their total collapse that much sweeter. Not sure why they’re the darlings of this blog, but whatever, I come for the yucks (i.e big daddy) not the insight.
Watch out for the fins. Yes, Henne is the QB, but he’s leaps and bounds better than Sanchez, and he has the best WR in the league.
Though I will forever hate Buffalo, I still can’t help but be amused that their O-line has a WOOD,a WANG, and a Levitre; and that they’re coached by JOHNSON. Somebody up there thinks way too much about dick.
First. Please ignore video about the Jets. Those “fine folks” have clearly been living too close to one of New Jersey’s several leaking waste dumps.
Second. I propose that KSK immediately begin working to recruit @GoodmanHarrison to this Blog as he has been recruited into Peter King’s Fantasy Football League. What good nuggets we might get.
“This team somehow willingly accepted Benny Sapp when they traded Greg Camarillo to the Vikings. Maybe the threat of cheap shots will be used as a deterrent to keep Brandon Marshall from beating up more women.”
There’s no other possible reason. I’m impressed that the Vikings were able to dump that load on someone else rather than having to cut him on Saturday, and filling a hole at WR to boot. Bill Parcells reviewed this trade and thought “Fuck this, you people are idiots. I’m outta here.”
We all know the Pats biggest addition was Dreamboat’s hairstyle.
Ricky being 33 isn’t a problem. He’s been the only one worth a shit on the offense in the preseason. Henne’s been Henne — great arm, dumb as shit, so it cancels out to mediocrity.
Ronnie Brown isn’t the same after the foot injury. He’s just sucked.
I’ll take the over on the Patsies and Bills, under on the Fins and Jests. New York’s never for real (last year’s feast on overrated playoff opponents aside). The Fins don’t have the slightest idea what they’re doing. We all know Buffalo sucks, but figure Spiller alone is worth an extra win.
So the Patsies take the division because they’re competing with idiots.
You’re picking up Kareem Huggins off waivers in Week 2 and you know it
Got him in the 15th round of last night’s draft.
/making progress, Bucs.
Nothing beats a bonus fact on the Buffalo Bills!
If there’s anything that really irritates me, it’s a team that is at once worthless on the field, but also in the fantasy game as well (looking at you, Tampa Bay)
You’re picking up Kareem Huggins off waivers in Week 2 and you know it
@tracer- i’m in a league with a guy that drafted kc’s d/st on purpose. i haven’t decided whether i should set his car on fire or if i should just beat him relentlessly with a paper bag full of autographed priest holmes headshots, but when i make my decision i’ll let you know so you can follow suit.
I’m in a league with a guy who drafted the Bills D/ST on purpose. I could see it if we were in a 32-team league and, oh, shit, gotta take somebody. But no. He selected the Bills. Fucking Canadians.
Sexy Rexy mops up the floor this season with the rest of these mokes. And then, children under the age of 18 will not be allowed to watch the depravity that the Jets inflict on the Fat Humps in the playoffs.
WTF with the WELKAHHHHH picture? Scheft looking for new bang bus riders? And to think I was scared of that ESPN duo back when I thought the only knock was that Mort was an anti-Semite (well, and a derp). . .