When I was falling in love with football in the mid-’70s, my beloved Patriots played in the AFC East. There were 28 teams and six divisions by 1976, which meant one division in each league had just four teams instead of five. Teams earned a playoff spot by winning their division or grabbing the one wild-card slot, which eliminated the ’77 Pats: they finished 9-5, one game behind division rivals Miami and Baltimore. Meanwhile, the AFC Central shook out like this:
Pittsburgh, 9-5
Cincinnati, 8-6
Houston, 8-6
Cleveland, 6-8
I remember bristling at the standings. Wait a second. We finished 9-5 and the Steelers finished 9-5. We were in a more difficult division with more teams. But THEY made the playoffs???
Annnndddddd debunked. Flubby says:
“Looked at the record book, that was still when only one wild card team got in per conference. So Miami at 10-4 had a better record than the Patriots in the same division and they didn’t get in either. Simmons’ argument is a dick.
You might also mention that that the AFC East included 3-11 Buffalo and 3-11 Jets. Not a tougher division.”
Listen, I know some of you out there get tired of us ragging on Simmons. But you fail to understand that GOD DAMMIT WHY CAN’T HE JUST SPEND ONE WEEK NOT BEING AN INSUFFERABLE KNOWITALL COCKVULTURE WHO PRETENDS TO KNOW MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND FOR SOME REASON FINDS THIS FUNNY WHEN IT ISN’T AND GAHHHHHHH HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE.
Kurt Warner’s new TV career led to the funniest subplot of the 2010 season, when Cardinals fans subjected themselves to “Dancing With the Stars” and prayed that Warner would be the worst star — that way, he’d get voted off first and might get talked into a comeback — only Margaret Cho, David Hasselhoff and The Situation were significantly more inept, leading to an unexpected scenario in which red-blooded football fans were complaining about things like: “I can’t believe Margaret Cho wore that outfit, it killed her!”
This never occurred. DIE.
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If you don’t like him, don’t read him. Not hard.
@IrishCream: Producing sports documentaries is not the same as writing a funny sports column. Hosting free-agent summits and pretending to be GM-worthy is exactly that. If you took that summit seriously like they were breaking some real news then you are even dumber than you appear in the comments. ESPN is not fucking CNN.
Simmons is insufferable, but Rick Reilly is worse. I’d like to see some hate thrown his way, too.
@ Destructo-Beam: I think he is referring to the fact that he bet against the Colts last week at home. At night.
/Actually read both of his books. Will never get those two weeks back. ever
Are you really that stupid? He said that because he picked against them last week. He was admitting he was a dumbass for picking against the colts last week. You are a dumbass. The end.
I was just looking at Simmons’ picks for this week and noticed this:
“Colts (-5.5) over BRONCOS
Hold on, I’m not done writing this on the chalkboard yet.
Don’t bet against Peyton Manning at night.
Don’t bet against Peyton Manning at night.
Don’t bet against Peyton Manning at night.
Don’t bet against Peyton Manning at night.
Don’t bet against Peyton Manning at night.
Don’t bet against Peyton Manning at night.
Don’t bet against Peyton Manning at night.
Don’t bet against Peyton Manning at night.
Don’t bet against Peyton Manning at night.”
This game started at 2 pm in Denver. They’re not playing at night. The end.
Back in my day Tampa Bay was in the NFC Central and that’s the way we liked it!
I dunno. When I started paying attention to football, there were only six divisions, the way God himself meant it to be (also, I would ask God [or St. Pete Rozelle--one and the same, more or less] as to why Atlanta was in the NFC West).
And don’t get me started on the Seahawks playing in the NFC. THEY ARE A GODDAMNED AFC TEAM!!!.
Anyway…
-
WT
The problem with Simmons isn’t so much what he writes (YES IT IS), but that he’s also a terrible writer.
Thank you. I don’t give a shit who he roots for, or what he looks like, or if he has an annoying voice. I remember first reading one of his columns about 10 years ago, and finding it so good that I actually forwarded it to a friend (something I never do). Then I read his next column, and noticed it seemed familiar. And then a third, and it dawned on me: this guy has a very limited range and writes the exact same shit every week.
Maybe it’s because I went through the exact same shit with Rick Reilly back in the ’80s, but I tend to get annoyed when I find a writer who at first glance seems to be really good, and then turns out to be a one-trick pony. Seriously, much of the content here is repetitive, but IMO it’s less so than that of the guys who get paid big bucks.
I think if someone is going to write an article about realignment and the unequality of the divisions, he should know what the current divisions are.
Also, the Baltimore Ravens were members of the AFC Central for 6 years, AFC North for 9. I’m guessing at this point nearly all football fans know what division the Ravens are in.
Also, how does the ESPN editors not catch these mistakes?
KSK is just jealous that Simmons got to spend a week bringing his unique blend of sports knowledge and pop culture references to the PTI program.
/Admit that you secretly pine for Korneheiser
//Was amused at Simmons dropping a Lindsay Lohan’s big tits analogy on Sportscenter.
Actually, This is a well-constructed argument. Bill sometimes forgets how the NFL works nowadays too. Simmons was entertaining until the Pats (and then Sawx) started actually winning.
The Central went away in 2002, so if FightingJB doesn’t remember, its probably not because he’s not old enough. 8 year olds don’t know ‘fuck’.
I hope he gets spontaneously combusting genital herpes, gives it to peter king, then dies of blunt force trauma to the head from banging it off Dustin Pedroia’s pelvic bone.
If all of this bitching results in less take downs of Simmons, I will be visibly upset. VISIBLY, I say.
JM, eat a dick
I now just hope that a team from the NFC West wins the Super Bowl.
It will be just like when Simmons started calling the NL “AAAA baseball” and then a NL team proceeded to win the World Series that year.
“GOD DAMMIT WHY CAN’T HE JUST SPEND ONE WEEK NOT BEING AN INSUFFERABLE KNOWITALL COCKVULTURE WHO PRETENDS TO KNOW MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND FOR SOME REASON FINDS THIS FUNNY WHEN IT ISN’T AND GAHHHHHHH HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE.”
Accurate, but doesn’t this describe everyone employed by ESPN/Any major media outlet? Why pick on Bill so much?…. Oh, well I guess Boston is for sucking so, valid argument I suppose. Carry on.
I’ve been on edge all week myself, and then I read a couple of the FJM’s at Deadspin. They inspire some kind of animal instinct to rip apart anything in your path. Make ‘em bleed Drew.
I can’t tell if TheFightingJoeBucks is trying to be funny or is too young to remember the AFC Central.
/stumped
“Is there anything dumber than Baltimore being in the AFC Central but Miami in the AFC East”
Not sure what he’s getting at since, you know, the AFC Central is a made up division and Miami is located on the East FUCKING Coast.
@City of Industry Football Corporation
Haha, I can see that.
“Dallas, who is still in the NFC East, and has been forever.”
It will be a cold, cold, day in Satan’s green Hell when Jerrah Jones allows the NFC East to be pried from his greedy, scrabbling fingers to be cast down to the NFC South with all of those common, filthy half-blood also-rans.
“Falcons? Saints? Buccaneers? Panthers? Hell no, the great state of TIXAS does not lower itself to expansion bullpucky! Houston? Get away from me boy, yer botherin’ me. YEE-HAW!!! THE ‘BOYS WILL CONTINUE TO HOUND THEM EASTERN TENDERFOOT SUMBITCHES WITH OUR GODDAMN STARS!!! AND IF I EVER DIE MAYBE WE’LL EVEN WIN SOMETHIN’ AGIN! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!”
@Steve: if it wasn’t for PK & Simmons takedowns, all they’d ever talk about here is anal sex.
/not that different, i guess
//former simmons apologist
@Max…not to defend Simmons, but that’s not really the same statistic, as he’s including the previous divisions (central, east, west), in that calculation, so none of those divisions had less than 5.5 wins per team. Assuming he’s right. He’s probably not though.
Also, really Simmons? You’re complaining about the dolphins being in the east? Last I checked, Florida was on the eastern seaboard. You know what isn’t? Dallas, who is still in the NFC East, and has been forever. But Miami’s what you wanna hang your hat on. That makes sense.
@Steve you must of confused the comments section as a place to argue the merits of your team and/or your editorial preferences. It is not. It is a place to write a dick joke that other kommenters will find funny. See Man, Otto or Girlfriends Tit’s, Tim Tebow’s.
@Enrico and the problem with blowing dudes is…?
@Steve You just copped to watching Olbermann. Way to go, tool.
Actually, in retrospect, I think this should have inspired a “Lil Tommy” post, complete with references to Evel Knievel, Rocky movies that have not yet occured, the J. Geils Band, and how no one gives a shit about the Patriots except him because he senses future greatness and NO ONE DENIES THIS.
Well to each their own I guess.
Go Dolphins……..
@Steve, again, a lot of us think the point by point break downs here are entertaining. I look forward to reading ‘Fun With Peter King’ every Monday morning. I wish they would do a weekly piece on Simmons (although I guess they do semi-regularly with Tawmmy). And I couldn’t disagree more with this blog giving Simmons and King publicity. At least not positive publicity. Before I started coming here, I was indifferent to PK and Simmons. I didn’t really read their stuff, but I didn’t think they were giant hacks either. The FJM style beatdowns delivered on this site helped open my eyes to how utterly shitty and mindless their writing is.
“The same way Olberman not only dislikes O’Riley (which is fine to do) but is jealous that O’Riley beats him in the ratings.” is what I meant to say. I mixed up the names.
Also, Turd’Brikashaw Furgeson, despite our differing on this Simmons issue, we both appear to be Jet-haters so you’re okay in my book.
Enrico Pallazzo,
I’m not picking sides or blowing anybody. I like this site but the constant Simmons bashing reminds me of how Keith Olbermann always bashes Bill O’Riley. O’Riley says something stupid on his show…..and then Olbermann goes on his show and says “Look how dumb O’Riley is! Check out what he said last night!” This guy (Drew…I guess) does the same thing with Simmons. I think he not only dislikes Simmons (which is fine to do), but is jealous of him for having way more notoriety….the same way O’Riley not only dislikes Olbermann (which is fine to do) but is jealous that O’Riley beats him in the ratings.
Turd’Brikashaw Furgeson,
Look, I’m not nominating Simmons or King for the Pulitzer Prize or anything. I just don’t see the point about blogging about other people’s writings. If anything, this site gives Simmons and King publicity.
Haha, lots of people comment to support Billy boy and hate on Drew. Kinda like that time all the Stampede Blue jerk offs came over to comment, except with less fat and more gay.
Both PK and now Simmons are picking the Steelers to go to the Super Bowl.
/deepthroats shotgun barrel
But they are my fantasy defense and I’m ridin’ them all the way to the Cham-peeen-ship.
/still a Cowboys fan
//cries
Simmons was entertaining until the Pats (and then Sawx) started actually winning. And that was a long time ago now.
Well done, keep bringing that Simmons hate.
Cowherd got into this particular subject the other day about how when blogging “exploded” a while back, the media lost its mind. He even pointed to ESPN and how suddenly they were overreacting to opinions on blog sites with 1,000-5,000 hits when ESPN’s audience was in the millions. They overestimated the impact of the blogging phenomenon based on it being the hot media focus at the time (see Twitter; Furby; Jennifer Aniston) and created the side-effect of giving credibility to tiny, tiny demographics and bestowing fame and success on unqualified Joe Schmoe bloggers who subsequently made far too much of a difference in what we see on ESPN.
My point is, Cowherd rattled off a few obscure names and DIDN’T mention Simmons. Which is like listing successful baseball teams and leaving the Yankees off the list.
Fuck, replace one of those New England’s with Miami and it still makes sense.
Also, in regards to ““Is there anything dumber than Baltimore being in the AFC Central but Miami being in the AFC East?”
What Bill seems to be forgetting is that the Ravens used to be the Cleveland Browns. Cleveland played in the central because…wait for it…they’re located towards the center of the country. When they moved from Cleveland to Baltimore in 96, they stayed in the Central because the AFC East already had 5 teams. When the NFL realigned to 4 divisions in 2002, they wanted to maintain as many of the old divisional rivalries as they could. Therefore, New England, Buffalo, New York, and New England stayed in the East (and I don’t think anyone could argue that any of these teams don’t play on the east coast) and Baltimore stayed in the Central to continue their rivalries with Pittsburgh, Cincinatti, and Cleveland. It’s not rocket surgery…
I think Simmons is like the Kardashians, he gets credit for doing nothing. All he’s done was come up with the Ewing theory. One decent idea in a decade?
Does any of this make sense?
@Steve, because most people who aren’t mouthbreathers realize Peter King and Bill Simmons suck and it’s both enjoyable and funny to read someone tear their shitty writing apart.
Bill Simmons can go for a walk through the penis garden, trip…and choke to death.
Do you know what’s lame, Steve? You blowing dudes. Pick a side: Drew or Simmons…now shut the fuck up.
Tired of your ragging on Simmons? There can never be enough ragging on Simmons.
The problem with Simmons isn’t so much what he writes (YES IT IS), but that he’s also a terrible writer.
He makes retarded declarations like this, and then backs them up by repeating them, maybe with an exclamation point so you know he’s serious, just like this. Just like this! He does. He does! You know he does.
What’s with this website always slamming Simmons and Peter King? Like them, dislike them, whatever. But it’s pretty lame for a site to write about guys who write about sports.
@Ape: He will, however, argue that a Steelers win in the Super Bowl should not count if Roethlisberger goes 6 for 24.
Fuck that guy. Get Scott Farrell’s picks. Speaking of which, the dudes from ‘The League’ were on his show last night.
God, this is indeed the most wonderful time of the year… Sing it with me!
“Listen, I know some of you out there get tired of us ragging on Simmons…”
Yeah, and they’re faggots (in the Louis CK definition).
“Holy Hell don’t make me hate you like you hate him. HE’S A FUCKING COMEDY WRITER!!!! I’m sure you’ve never gotten a fact wrong in a column no one care about anyway. You take him way more serious then he takes himself.”
Yeah, he doesn’t take himself seriously at all. He just fills in on PTI, does a special NBA free agency show, produces sports documentaries, and portrays himself as a basketball guru who should be the GM of a team. But no, you’re right, it’s all a joke.
Fucking dumbass.
I was really hoping for a Tawmmy post today, but good enough sir. Good enough.
@Never Passed A Bar: Wow, that was some imaginary shitty division to have five teams total 27 wins. Of course, if such a division did ever exist, then Bill could hardly claim that the NFC West is the most awful EVARRR and thus justify rearranging the entire NFL structure.
The probability of a 5 division NFL team totaling 27 wins or fewer is such a statistical impossibility, especially since there were fewer teams back in the olde times, as you say, that for all intents and purposes can be discounted. As such, Bill is repeating the same statistic as if they were different, making for bad writing and making the reader question the other calculations he presents in the column since he doesn’t quite grasp the concept of mean.
QED Bitch.
This was pretty weak. Next time you post a rant take minute to see if it makes sense. Your debunking was pedantic at best, but really just wrong. He didn’t say that the Patriots would have made the playoffs next, just that they should have made it before the Steelers. Reactions like this are a lot funnier when it doesn’t seem like you are desperately reaching for a reason to bash someone. You’re better than this Drew.
@ chest rockwell
I see your modest mouse, and I raise you Coldplay.
/ vomits in mouth
// cuts out eardrums
That declaration by SImmons is as insane when he declared that his beloved Pats got derp derp derp derp derp derp derppity derp The Sitch derppity derppity derp Tiger derppy derpity belichick is to old derp.
/golf clap for flubby
@Nina
They were probably Pittsburgh or Cowboys fans who didn’t get off the bandwagon until the late 90s.
Sir Mix-Alot and Queensrÿche are from Seattle. That’s pretty depressing.
Wow, you’re right! When Bill Simmons was just a little kid, he got frustrated by the unfairness of playoff seeds! How obnoxious!
I think you’re missing the point. What’s obnoxious is that he’s still complaining about playoff seeds from 1977.
As a native of Pittsburgh and long-time Boston resident, I have a hard time believing Simmons actually “loved” the Patriots in the mid-’70s. Most of the New England region are total, 100% poseurs when it comes to liking football, esp. liking it before Belly-chick and Tommy Boy came to town.
No one ever talks about the most annoying part of Simmons’ schtick: his insistence that he a) remembers cultural and/or sporting events that happened when he was eight years old or younger and b) pretends that he reacted to those events like a sophisticated adult. Did he really get into the unfairness of the wild card system when he was 7? The only thing I remember from being 7 is buying a plastic Taun-taun at Kmart.
Moar BS h8 plz.
Can’t wait till this ass clown gets off PTI so we can get the normal 2 ass clowns back. He tried to sound bright the other day and used the term “zero sum game” something he learned from his “Political Science Major” to describe the Vincent Jackson situation, but he had the definition of that term completely wrong and sounded like a jackass.
i’m pretty sure the lyrics to absolutely every modest mouse song are more depressing than the two songs he cited.
@Max: Ezra and Andrew called. They want their degree back.
“Bill also has trouble understanding the mechanics behind fourth grade mathematics.
‘The 2010 NFC West could break the record for “fewest wins by a four-team division” (22 wins, previously held by the 2008 NFC West) and “lowest average wins per division team in NFL history” (5.5, also held by the NFC West).’
22/4 = 5.5, he just obliviously repeated the same statistic twice. Wait until he finds out that any number multiplied by zero equals zero. His head might explode.”
And you sir, have no knowledge of history or statistics. Back in ancient history, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, there were NFL divisions that actually had 5 teams in them. Therefore, a 5-team division that won 27 games (or 5.4 wins per team) would have a lower average than the 2008 NFC West.
Both PK and now Simmons are picking the Steelers to go to the Super Bowl.
/deepthroats shotgun barrel
My favorite from Simmons this week was:
Falcons (+4) over SAINTS
Pittsburgh’s defense is better than we realized (meaning Atlanta is probably better than we thought). The Saints struggled to beat Vikings and Niners teams that were worse than we realized (meaning New Orleans is probably worse than we thought). See where I’m going with this one? Bam! UPSET PICK!!! Atlanta 27, New Orleans 16.
So forget all that “Any Given Sunday” shit where we repeatedly get told by fellow resident NFL brain surgeons that every game is different and any team can beat any other team, blah blah blah.
Throw all of that out the window, because Team A almost Team B that kicked the crap out of Team C therefore Team D will beat the best players from Team A and Team B. Makes perfect sense. What an assclown.
And don’t forget Screaming Trees.
“GOD DAMMIT WHY CAN’T HE JUST SPEND ONE WEEK NOT BEING AN INSUFFERABLE KNOWITALL COCKVULTURE WHO PRETENDS TO KNOW MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND FOR SOME REASON FINDS THIS FUNNY WHEN IT ISN’T”
You’re aware this is pretty much Simmons’ entire shtick, right?
Yeah, let’s just pretend Nirvana didn’t exist, Bill.
Or Alice in Chains, Screaming Trees, Mudhoney, Tad, Temple of the Dog, Screaming Trees ….
@Dan – his mere presence on that shitfest of a show epitomizes how much he’s become just another taking head hack with an ego. Saying he’s better than Wilbon or Ryan is saying he’s the smartest kid with Down Syndrome. It’s not too difficult to clear the fucking bar when all you gotta do is skip.
Yeah. What he said.
more Simmons ragging, he doesn’t get enough credit for being absolutely full of shit
Jesus Christ, Boston fans are the absolute worst. Tom Brady put this team on the map. They’d have NOTHING without the guy and after one bad game and one bad hairdo they’re halfway to lynching him in the streets. Same thing happened to Manny, Ortiz, Nomah, after one season of them missing the playoffs or performing poorly. The ultimate band-wagon city, Boston USA.
What, you’re not going to take a shit on his face too? What kind of Brown River Killer are you?
Jealous much?
@deeznuts: I read it as him referring to now when he mentioned it the second time at the tail-end of the article. Perhaps I was wrong.
Holy Hell don’t make me hate you like you hate him. HE’S A FUCKING COMEDY WRITER!!!! I’m sure you’ve never gotten a fact wrong in a column no one care about anyway. You take him way more serious then he takes himself. (I’m not defending him like he’s some great writer, I’m just saying the hate has really gotten old. Time for some new material.)
Anyway, don’t you write a column about poop? Maybe someone else should be doing the critiquing around here…
/shows self out