“You Barron twins call that a pass rush??? You two hussies need a lesson in ATTACK DISCIPLINE from MISTER DERRICK BROOKS!!!”

ESPN’s Jon Gruden is an assistant coach for Carrollwood Day School in Tampa. (Times are tight, who couldn’t use a night job to help make some extra scrill?) During a recent game, Gruden’s team was flagged for a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for his comments towards referees. After voluntarily leaving the sidelines, Gruden sat in the stands where he continued to heckle the referees with zingers like “Hey, Forrest Gump!” Fresh off the experience, Coach Gruden has agreed to help with this week’s edition of Sexy Friday.

“I heard Kristen Cavallari was spending time with Jay Cutler. But it looks some other guy is skippering the motorboat while Jay’s busy BECOMING AN OFFENSIVE POWERHOUSE. Toots, you are making a mistake two-timing Cutler. THAT GUY is on the verge of becoming A FORCE IN THIS LEAGUE FOR YEARS TO COME.”

“You know who else looked good in a see-through shirt? MIKE ALSTOTT!”

“Adriana Lima is supposed to be some big time fashion model. You’d think she could afford a hotel room with a bed. Hardy Nickerson, now THAT GUY could sleep on a roll-top desk and still bring it for SIXTY MINUTES in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.”

“Look, a professional goes to the field ready to play. RICH GANNON didn’t come out of the locker room with his shoulder pads off and jockey strap hanging out. This young lady can’t even bother to put on her bathing suit before her photo-shoot. Believe me LACK OF PREPARATION is guaranteed to GET YOU KILLED ON SUNDAY.”

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