Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let Week 2 of the NFL unfold as it did. It’s been a while since God has dropped in as our guest analyst. Please welcome Him with open arms.

It’s been a while since I made a good tragedy happen. One that really, really fucks with your head. One that makes you scared for the future of the world. I LOVE tragedies like that. Sure, I made all that flooding in Pakistan, but no one cares about those people. Even Pakistanis don’t care about Pakistanis. Look at them. They’re dirty. They have no shoes. Most of them don’t bother to shave. I don’t think many of them care if they live or if they die. So it’s not all that fun to kill them.

May I confess something to you? Yes, yes, I know it’s usually YOU who does the confessing. “Help me Lord, I had sexual thoughts about my niece!” “Help me, Lord! I killed a bank clerk!” “Help me, Lord! I lost a battery in my anus!” Wah wah wah NO ONE CARES. Know why I don’t answer your prayers? Because they bore me. Burn down a full orphanage, and THEN you’ve got my attention.

Anyway, to my confession. Those Pakistani floods? Those were just practice. I do that sometimes. I practice on random jackasses before I get to the business of killing IMPORTANT people. Even I need to stay sharp. I use those floods to perfectly calibrate my killing numbers. Will six inches of water kill a million babies? What about seven? Would eight be going to far? It’s not an exact science, mostly because science is a LIE and I control everything.

So I’m thinking about doing something big. A real, HOLY SHIT! type of project. The kind of shit you never see coming. Like the Lockerbie bombing. Never saw that one coming, did you? God SNATCHED YO ASS FROM THE BACKSIDE TO SHOW YOU HOW DEATH ROW PULL OFF THAT WHORIDE. Hear me out on this one: Earthquake in Western Europe. Maybe Germany. Cool, right? There are never earthquakes in Germany. BUT THERE CAN BE. I can make that happen.

Another idea I was brainstorming with Jesus: Leprosy outbreak. And not traditional leprosy. I’m talking an all new strain. Leprosy 2. Rotting flesh all over the place. I could make Nebraska look like the fucking walking dead. I think that idea has legs.

Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind this week. As for the NFL, I had Braylon stopped for a DWI because Braylon once took an 11-year-old as his sex slave when he was 15. Didn’t know that, did you? Well, I did.

I do not care for Rex Ryan’s attitude. I do not like men who openly covet glory and pussy as he does. My goal is for you to think wanting sex is way sinful, so that I can have more of it to myself. I also had the Redskins lose because you never want Redskins fans getting too excited about their pathetic, stupid, helpless little team. WE’RE BACK ON TRACK TODEE, THANKS TO COOCH SHANNY! Ugh. If I hear Charles Mann record one more local radio ad in the DC area, I will flood Southeast.

Did you know Matt Schaub and Joe Flacco are actually brothers? They don’t, but I do. I split them up when they were very young, just to see what would happen. And now I know. Schaub is solid. And Flacco’s a waste of my Godsperm. I made the Bucs 2-0 because it’s always fun to see a horrible team get off to a nice start before I violently correct them.

And I like seeing Michael Vick doing well again. I have said before that man has domain over all other creatures on Earth. I like the way Vick really took that idea to heart a few years back. Also, I won $500 betting on one of his dogs with Lu Phan, his bookie. Solid guy. He knows the best shit to order when we go out for Vietnamese in his town.

Anyway, WATCH YOUR BACK IF YOU’RE IN BERLIN.