It’s a bit of an unusual mailbag today. I’m a little wiped out from insane manifestos and squirrel pictures, plus it’s been a busy week for me on the sex and fantasy football front. I did my first-ever live draft on Monday night for my 12-team money league — just because I write this column doesn’t mean I’m some kind of seasoned expert, you know. Here’s the lineup for Muffcunt Vaginapussy in 2010:

QB: Aaron Rodgers
WR: Miles Austin
WR: Steve Smith (baby-puncher)
WR: Malcolm Floyd
RB: Jamaal Charles
RB: LeSean McCoy
Flex (RB/WR/TE): C.J. Spiller
TE: Tony Gonzalez
D/ST: Saints
Bench: Matt Stafford, Owen Daniels, Austin Collie, LenDale White, Laurent Robinson, Devery Henderson.

I won’t lie: my nipples get hard when I look at those starters. The bench… ehhh, that bench is what happens when you’re six beers in.

As for sex, well, I had it. Like, twice. Wait, no: once. I think. Never mind. Let’s just get to the questions.

Lords of Blogtown,
Sex: My birthday was recently, and my friends and I had a party at my apartment. At this party, a girl (friend of a friend) was sitting next to me as a bunch of us were sitting around a table playing a drinking/card game.

Was it Kings? God, I used to fucking love Kings. Queen/Questions was always my favorite: “What’s so great about sucking cock, anyway?” Works on men and women alike.

She made a sort of indecisive move as she was putting down a card and then leans over to me and says, “I’m so indecisive, I guess that’s why I’m bisexual.” I was dumbfounded, and just sort of nodded.

No need to be dumbfounded. She either likes attention, or she has a sense of humor about being bisexual. Life is not a beer commercial: you need not get wide-eyed at twins or the notion of a bisexual woman.

A couple minutes later she says to me, “The taste of semen is the only thing keeping me straight.” Again, I’m dumbfounded. I noticed this time that she looked at her friend across the table and sort of laughed so I’m not sure if that’s like an inside joke with them or something. Anyway, as the night goes on I’m talking to her, trying to make a move. At one point, a friend of mine was leaving, and says bye and happy birthday to me. As he’s leaving this girl yells to him, “Don’t worry, he’ll get his dick sucked!” At this point, I’m thinking I can’t miss right? I mean the prospect of her being bisexual/potentially having a threesome seemed too good to be true, but I think I’m at least going to hook up with her. So the party keeps going, I keep chatting her up, dancing with her a little, yada yada yada. Then towards the end of the night she says to me, “Sorry, I’m not gonna hook up with you, I’m not like that, I’m not a slut.” Now I’m just confused, but I get her number anyway. My friend says she’s pretty much psycho (what chick isn’t?). This is just a girl looking for attention right?

Ding ding ding.

It seems to me like I could probably hook up with her if I end up seeing her at a party or something again, but I’m not sure I want to actively pursue anything with this headcase of a chick.

She’s confident enough to joke about sex and she likes attention, so she’s probably pretty good in bed. If you’re young enough to play drinking games and be caught flat-footed by attention-whoring girls, then you’re young enough to nail her if the opportunity presents itself. Just don’t get roped into a relationship with her.

Fantasy: I’m in a league that’s going into its second year, I know a couple of people in it but its mostly friends of the commissioner, who is a good friend of mine. The commissioner, setting the scoring for this year, set missed PATs at -2. That’s fucking batshit insane right? I mean -1 I can understand, but there’s no reason to penalize you for more than what the PAT is worth right? I mean it’s not like if you miss a PAT the other team gets a point. Am I missing something or is that just totally retarded?
-Insanity All Around Me

Yes and no. While it seems strange to penalize for more than a PAT is worth, (1) it’s a pretty uncommon event, and (2) all the other positions get penalized for mistakes. In real games, fumbles and interceptions may or may not cost a team points, but your fantasy player gets docked two points. If a kicker costs his team a “gimme” point, shouldn’t he be penalized as much as other players are for their mistakes?

Anyway, it’s just one little point for a rare occurrence. Scroll down to the bottom of the page and check out THAT dude’s league. Minus TEN points for an interception is just the tip of the iceberg. You’re gonna shit your pants.

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Football Fucking Mafiosos,
Football: Which would you pick earlier, a good, but not great defense or a mediocre second QB? I mean, the QB position is more valuable, but dammed if I’m not taking the Saints D before picking up someone like Alex Smith or Jason Campbell.

A fair point, but good fantasy defenses are rare, hard to predict, and even the best ones have bad weeks. You really shouldn’t bother with picking up a defense until the 12th round or so.

On the other hand, you never know when a tumbling Bernard Pollard will fuck your starting All-Pro quarterback in the first quarter of Week 1, so it makes sense to start looking for a decent backup in round 7 or 8. Mid-level guys who I think will have decent years include Kevin Kolb, Matt Stafford, and Donovan McNabb. You should also be able to get Roethlisberger at value.

Sex: I have a friend, who, for reasons explained shortly, we’ll call Ben. Two months ago, Ben was caught masturbating while watching another friend of ours and her boyfriend having sex outside the window of the boyfriend’s house.

I can see how that might be awkward.

No legal action was taken, but rest assured there was an ugly late night brawl and a slew of destroyed friendships as a result of his actions. Now I’m 25, and Ben, our female friend and I have all known each other since our first day of kindergarten. I dated her myself for a minute when we were teenagers. Ben, it turns out, has been in love with her the entire time. Never told a soul; not her, not me, not anybody. And apparently after a lifetime of frustration of not getting what he wanted, the dude snapped.

The crazy thing is I’ve never known Ben to be anything other than a gregarious, easy going guy who never has had any trouble getting women. Now, he’s become a pariah amongst our core group of friends from high school, especially the girls. I mean, I don’t condone what the guy did, but I don’t want him cast out of the lives of his oldest friends forever just because he made one fucked up mistake. The whole situation just sucks.
-Not Ben, I Swear

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: when masturbating in the bushes outside while peeping on your friends having sex, ALWAYS WEAR A MASK. A simple ski mask will suffice, but why stop at simple? I say do it with gusto. You’re already masturbating in the bushes as you watch your friends have sex, you may as well go all the way and wear a clown mask.

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Dear KSK,
Relationship: I’m a 23 year old guy who has dated a 21 year old for the past 3 years. We met at her freshman orientation and I’ve since graduated, she has a year left. This past summer we both had internships in Chicago and lived together for 4 months. The past 2 months the relationship has been pretty rocky and now that we both moved back to the DC area, me to look for work and her to finish school she wants to take a year off from the relationship. She has said a lot that sounds like “I want us both to mature as people” and has told me she wants me to focus on finding a job and her on finishing her school and then we can pick things back up in the spring/summer. I guess my question is, does this happen? I mean this is a pretty serious relationship we’ve even kinda mentioned marriage in a few years, and she says she honestly thinks we will get back together. Should I just back off and let her sort her stuff out and focus on the job hunt? Is this a thing girls use to escape relationships and if so should I just cut all ties?

I’m sorry I have to do this, but you need to hear the truth: your girlfriend needs other dick. You swiped that hot freshman pussy as soon as she stepped on campus, and she’s known no other dick but yours for three years. In the meantime, she’s grown and changed as a person, and now, as she looks ahead to her final year of college, she’s probably realizing that she hasn’t enjoyed the delightful random fucking and casual sex that college can offer.

Now, none of that means she doesn’t love you. I’m sure she loves you very much, and she’s probably sincere about getting back together down the line. But as the man in this relationship, you should realize this for what it is: a break-up, not a break. If you two are meant to be, you’ll work it out down the line. Until then, do what she wants to do: enjoy being young, and explore your freedom.

Fantasy: I’m pretty new to FF. I’m pretty stocked on rbs, chris johnson, forte, jamaal charles ,hightower, but my wrs are all old guys, derrick mason, donald driver. We play flex, should i be trying to deal one of these guys to get some depth on wrs? How active is the trading in most leagues?
-hates baltimore

Every league varies with trades. I wouldn’t trade a blue-chip guy like Chris Johnson (or even a potential breakout guy like Charles) for anything less than a star wideout PLUS another starter. If it were me, I’d look to package Forte or Hightower with a bench player to get a better receiver.

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Dearest of Sirs,
Fantasy Time: So I’m in a league with my college buddies. Our commish always turns on annoying shit, has way too many starting players, crazy point values (40yd field goal? That’s 6pts) and this year decided to up the league to 14. This league is ridiculous. 3 WRs, 2RBs and a Flex. In a 14 team league. QBs have 6pt TDs too.

I begged him to make some changes to our 12 team league last year, like keepers and less starters.

This isn’t a particular pet peeve of mine, but I did want to take this opportunity to point out the difference between “less” and “fewer.” Basically, if you can count the objects, you should use “fewer;” “less” applies to nouns that can’t be counted: fewer seconds means less time.

Okay, back to your retard commissioner.

He reduced our starting QBs down to 1 since we moved up to 14 people (no joke – we had a 2QB 6pt TD league last year). He was also kind enough to go from having 2 IDP, 2 DB and 4 DL starting each week to having 4 IDP and 2 DL. This guy runs a baseball league where OPS and WHIP get you points. When I attempted to bargain with him on making more drastic changes, he told me to go make my own league if I wanted.

Since it wasn’t worth the drama, I kept quiet. And plotted. Me and a buddy

Ah, I see my earlier grammar lesson was futile. Very well.

decided to team up in the draft and take all of the QBs right out of the gate. Partially to protest the commish, partially to try and crazy strategy for such a joke league and mostly to be dicks, we effectively cornered the market. Besides me and my friend, there are only 5 people with QBs I would actually start (Rivers, Flacco, Brady, Brees and Favre). No joke, some poor guy autodrafted and Byron Leftwich is the only QB on his team. Every time anyone’s QB has a bye week, they’re screwed.

After the 2nd round there was no real WR or RB talent anyway, and my team actually didn’t pan out that poorly and has some upside besides my ridiculous QB corps (Rodgers, Schaub, Palmer, Ryan, Smith, Orton, Stafford, Cassel and Campbell). I figure that I now hold known point-producing quality in a league where QBs put up, by far, the most points. A much safer investment than guessing which RB is going to be a TD vulture in the draft, right?

The problem – people are pissed. They discussed booting us from the league before we started taking position players. Now, I’m being inundated by shitty trade offers. For example, Matt Schaub for Mohamed Massoquoi by a really aggressive/active owner who is starting Matt Moore (with no QBs on the bench).

Am I morally obligated to eventually break down and make some trades where I’m losing value?

No. It’s just fantasy football.

Or is it alright to sit back and start fringe players every week until people realize we’re serious and start making good offers for our talent? There is literally no depth for anyone at the skill positions with so many teams/starters, so I think its really possible to work the waiver wire and compete every week with my roster as it is. I’m not going to start a DL or 2 a few times because I won’t give up a QB.

Is this strategy childish or devilish? I never would have tried this if I wasn’t pissed about the league settings.

I don’t know, boss. I kinda lost interest during the fifth paragraph. Why don’t you just start your own league?

Sexxxy Time: So… I got an STD test recently and it came back clean. But every now and then I get a red bump or two under my pubes. It’s not a wart, and from everything I’ve seen on google images (GAG) its not herpes. And that would have shown up in my blood test. Is it possible its just a really bad zit? It’s usually near where my boxers waste-line is (and where sweat sits). I’m thinking I’m going to blissfully ignore, but it leaves me a little uneasy. WWJD?
Sincerestly,
Da Inspirational and Crafty King

You’re fine. Try showering every day and using a loofah — exfoliating helps minimize body acne.

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Dear KSK,
Sex first: I’m sorry this is a really long one, but I just felt the backstory had to be included in its entirety due to the uniqueness of my situation. Let me preface this by saying that I know I made a few errors in judgment. A few weeks ago I met this girl who I was almost immediately smitten with, and she invited me to her birthday party at a bar. I showed up, kept cool and by the end of the night, she was frantic about her ex-girlfriend stirring up drama. (And yes, they are bi. I like this.) Long story short, I hurried the birthday girl out of the bar because she wanted to get out of there, as the ex was livid and trying to start a physical fight with her. However, the estranged ex-girlfriend chased us out of the bar and managed to get into my vehicle as we were leaving. This resulted in a very interesting night where the birthday girl I was really into got beat up like Gandhi by her crazy ex-girlfriend.

Gandhi got beat up by his crazy ex-girlfriend? Was that in the movie?

Yes, I tried to stop her at times, and I even got punched in the face by this ex (which was awesome), but both wound up in birthday girl’s house and I got locked out while the fight ensued. Later on, the crazy ex walks out of the house and in her somewhat drunken state, demands to sleep with me.

So you dropped them off, got locked out, and then waited outside? Well, it certainly was convenient that the drunk ex-girlfriend came back outside looking for sex, isn’t it, Mr. Liar von Firepants? Otherwise you would have had to masturbate at the window while they had make-up sex.

She claimed that I made a promise to her earlier that I would, which I’m sure never happened. Well, my dick decided to hold a conference meeting with my brain at that moment, and they agreed that I was still single, the ex was very attractive, the birthday girl was passed out in her house and the door was locked, so I had nothing better to do than have a one night stand with her (I probably had something better to do, but my dick was being very persuasive about this).

Fast forward a day later, and the estranged ex that I slept with had managed to steal my number from birthday girl’s phone (which she had stolen from her house on the way out) and called me wanting to hang out. I wasn’t interested, for obvious reasons, and I had a date coming up with the girl I liked. However, when the date came around, the girl I liked bailed out and left town and told me she might be gone for months. I was a little hurt by this, and so I made my second error in judgment by deciding to give the insane ex a chance. Hey, maybe she might not really be that crazy when she’s sober. She’s definitely attractive enough to warrant a second thought. Anyway, the ex and I tried a few times to get together for a date but due to my ridiculous working schedule, it never actually happened.

After a week of trying to get together with the ex, the original girl who I definitely wanted, came back to town and texted me, telling me she wanted to hang out right then. Immediately, any intentions to date her ex went out the window and was completely forgotten about. I couldn’t right hang out with her right then, but I set up an extravagant date with her on another day, and she was excited about that. However, when that day came, she stood me up after she found out I had been attempting to date her ex. Of course I knew something like this would happen, and I had planned to tell her about it during the date, but she just found out a few hours too early. They both think I was trying to be a player and date them both. The truth is, I just didn’t think the girl I liked was ever coming back, and I decided to explore possibilities with the other girl who liked me and already slept with me. The timing made me come off as a total ass but I’m still really into the first girl. I told her the truth, and she seemed to calm down about it, but things are definitely somewhat strained and awkward. So my question is, what can I do to salvage this situation and win back the trust of this girl who I’ve so far failed at dating?

I don’t know. How do you usually win the heart of a bisexual woman when you’re playing Second Life?

Football: This will be my first season playing fantasy football and I’m in a yahoo league with a bunch of unusual rules conceived by alcoholic moments. Some of these rules are: No RB can be drafted in the first round, only 3 RBs allowed on a roster, fumbles lost are -10, everyone must carry at least one Lions player, -10 per QB interception, 1 for every completion, -1 per pass attempt, defensive roster positions, and several more rules which makes this a very difficult league for a rookie like me. My question is, with those mentioned rules in mind, what are some things I should think about as far as draft strategy, and what names jump out to you as players who could rise or fall from these settings?
Thanks for taking the time,
Jeff

Off the top of my head:

  • Draft Calvin Johnson.

Other than that, just treat it like a normal draft, and please don’t turn the mailbag into a den of lies.