86300603JM021_NEW_YORK_JETS

Mark Sanchez: Boy Shonn, we really stunk up the joint on Monday night.

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Sanchez: I mean, wow. You really sucked.

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Sanchez: And I sucked even worse!

Shonn Greene: Yeah, you did.

Sanchez: It’s possible that I just inherently suck, and that there won’t be a day when I don’t suck.

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Sanchez: You think coach is mad?

Shonn Greene: Probably.

Sanchez: Does this mean the fun is over? No more speeches? No more hookers? No more donkey whippings?

Shonn Greene: Oh, hell no.

(door flies open)

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Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU BOYS DOING?!

Sanchez: Bad, Coach.

Ryan: I’ll say. You boys SUCK. You suck balls. We all suck balls today. Just line up a bunch of scrotums and get me a glass of water, because I may as well teabag those fuckers all day. Ugh. I tell you boys, I had a terrible shit this morning. Angry shit. Blacker than Cromartie. Streaked the bowl all over, like I’d painted it with eye black. Men, I’m telling you. Somethin’ ain’t right when I have a shit like that. A toilet bowl full of petroleum is never a good omen.

But we haven’t come this far just to quit now, have we? SAY FUCK NO!

Everyone: FUCK NO!

Ryan: I’m not gonna stop believin’ in you boys, and you fucking better not either. Are you gonna stop believing in yourselves? SAY FUCK NO!

Everyone: FUCK NO!

Ryan: Men, I have a plan. A plan that will get us our swagger back. A plan that will again make us feared and loathed. A plan that will make us the GREEN FUCKING DEATH.

Sanchez: What’s the plan?

Ryan: I’mma tell you right now, Mierda. That’s your new nickname, because you’re shitty. First order of business to my new plan…

(door flies open)

Inez Sainz: Hola.

Ryan: (mouth flies open)

Sanchez: (mouth flies open)

Shonn Greene: (mouth flies open)

Everyone: (mouth flies open)

Ryan: Holy prairie shit, that is a WOMAN.

Sanchez: She’s hot.

Shonn Greene: She fine.

Ryan: That is more than just a piece of ass, that is the whole goddamn cake. How are you, darlin’? Do you need directions somewhere? Like to a Motel 6, or a Holiday Inn, or somewhere in Secaucus with cheap rooms and available bedding?

Inez Sainz: No, gracias. Yo soy reporter de deportes!

Ryan: Are you now?

Inez Sainz: Si.

Ryan: Jesus.

Sanchez: Jesus.

Shonn Greene: Jesus.

Ryan: Boy, times have changed. Back in the day, every girl sports reporter looked like they’d been run through a meat grinder. I’d rather fuck Len Pasquarelli than most of what came into the locker room.

Inez Sainz: Con permiso. Necesito maquillaje.

(turns)

Sanchez: Jesus.

Shonn Greene: DAMN.

Sanchez: (bites knuckle until it bleeds)

Ryan: Um… uhh… I guess it’s time to practice. We should probably go over our tits packages… BLITZ PACKAGES. I meant blitz packages. And our uh… cock mangement. CLOCK! CLOCK MANAGEMENT. Uh… Mierda, you probably need to practice your snappin’ pussies. SNAPS! Practice your snaps.

Sanchez: (hears nothing)

Ryan: NACHO!

Sanchez: Wha?

Ryan: Oh, god dammit. None of us can concentrate with this fine beast roaming our locker room! Are any of you gonna put some goddamn pants on for this woman’s sake?

Everyone: NO.

Ryan: Well, I guess that’s fair. Let’s just hit the fucking field!

(everyone plus Sainz goes to field)

Ryan: Dammit, she followed us! Shit. Well, may as well have some fun with this. Mierda, I want you to buzz a pass right by our chica’s head.

Sanchez: You got it, coach. (throws pass at Sainz, hits Greene in the earhole 45 yards to the right)

Shonn Greene: Ow!

Ryan: Oh, Jesus in Heaven, Nacho! Don’t make me bench you for Old Man River!

Sanchez: Sorry, Coach.

Ryan: I gotta do something about this. Miss! Oh, Miss! Senorita?

Inez Sainz: Si?

Ryan: Do you speak any English? At all? I apologize. I don’t speak chimichangan.

Inez Sainz: Jess. A beet.

Ryan: Good! Good! Okay, so I wanted to know if you had any questions for my boys.

Inez Sainz: Que?

Sanchez: Preguntas.

Inez Sainz: Ah, preguntas!

Ryan: That’s good translatin’, Nacho.

Inez Sainz: No, no. No tengo preguntas ahora. Quiero mirar su practica, DESPUES preguntas.

Ryan: What’d she say? Is she gonna oil herself down?

Sanchez: She says she wants to watch us practice, then she’ll have questions.

Ryan: Well, would you mind watching the practice from one of the closed circuit TV’s inside our facility? I don’t mean to be forward, ma’am. But I think some of my boys might be a touch… distracted by you.

Kris Jenkins: SHOW US YOUR ASS!

Ryan: Shut up, Jenks!

Inez Sainz: Por que?

Ryan: Look, it would just be better if you weren’t around while we practiced.

Inez Sainz: Pero soy un reporter de deportes!

Ryan: I’m not deporting you. I’m just saying… we have a lovely indoor facility with free food and drinks… and piping hot showers that leave nothing to the imagination… IT WOULD JUST BE BETTER IF YOU LEFT!

Inez Sainz: Por que?

Ryan: Oh Christ. Do you really want me to come out and say it? YOU ARE FUCKING HOTTER THAN TULSA IN AUGUST AND THAT BODY IS BUILT FOR FUCKING. No one here can concentrate because everyone here is imaging what life is like inside that body of yours. You’re too attractive. And those jeans are just…

Shonn Greene: SLAMMIN’.

Ryan: What he said.

Inez Sainz: But these are my evhurryday close!

Ryan: So you wear that every day?

Inez Sainz: Si.

Ryan: You just wake up and throw that on.

Inez Sainz: Si.

Ryan: Without even thinking about it.

Inez Sainz: Si.

Ryan: Well, that is a goddamn miracle of biology, I swear. I’m living in the wrong country, ma’am. You people do things RIGHT. Look, for today, just wait inside this one time and I’ll never ask you to do so again. Fair?

Inez Sainz: Si.

Ryan: Oh, Thank God. Okay. Run along, now. VAMANOS!

(Sainz leaves, everyone stares at her ass on the way out)

Ryan: Good fucking CHRIST! Have you ever nailed a piece like that, Mierda? Huh?

Sanchez: Well…

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Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Mierda threw a little salami gigante in some prized Latin fish taco! That’s great hustle!

(slaps Sanchez on ass, HARD)

Sanchez: Ouch!

Ryan: All right, let’s just get back to practice and figure out a way to NOT suck. We’ve got those faggot Patriots coming in, and I wanna treat them like I’d treat that girl’s ass.

(practice field gate flies open)

NOW Member: MONSTERS!

Random Sports Columnist: PIGS!

Feminist Studies Major: SCUMBAGS!

Ryan: What? What did we do?

NOW Member: You sexually harassed that poor woman!

Ryan: What?! No way! We didn’t sexually harass her! YOU CAN’T SEXUALLY HARASS A MEXICAN! THAT’S PART OF THEIR CULTURE!

Feminist Studies Major: Groupthinker! Male privileger! Patriarchal superiorist!

Ryan: I don’t know what any of that means. Was that a football question?

Random Sports Columnist: You people make me sick!

Ryan: Oh, god dammit. What the fuck were we supposed to do? Did you even LOOK at that girl? Bring her back out!

(gate flies open)

Sainz: Hola!

Sanchez: JEEEEEZUS!

Ryan: Holy shit, are you a fucking alien? Who gets this much more attractive after five minutes away?

NOW Member: Don’t worry, dear. We’ll protect you from this HATER OF WOMEN! OBJECTIFIER!!!

Sainz: Que?

Ryan: SEE? SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! SHE PROBABLY THINKS THIS IS A CARNIVAL TO CELEBRATE SOMETHING CATHOLIC!

Sainz: Carnivale!

Ryan: Yes! Carnivale! FIESTA SHIT!

NOW Member: We’ll be taking this up with the league office!

Ryan: Well, you know what? GO AHEAD. Go ahead and take it to the league office. You know what? I don’t care. I’ll issue a statement saying how sensitive I am to you ladies, but I won’t mean a goddamn word of it! This OUR field, and OUR locker room. This is fucking football. You wanna come in and see what it’s like? Come right on in. Don’t expect it to be pretty. These are fucking MEN. And this is their place. And they are fucking winners, and they have HUGE, world-murdering cocks that you’ll be forced to deal with! THAT’S JUST HOW IT IS! And if you want me to apologize for wanting to set up a model train set inside that woman’s unbelievable uterus, you can wait until fucking NEVER! GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LOCKER ROOM!

(everyone leaves)

Ryan: FUCKING BRING IT IN.

(everyone brings it in)

Ryan: Men, we’ve run out of time to practice. Which is bad, because we SUCK! But make no mistake, we are still fucking MEN. We are men who want smoked meats and money and pussy and I don’t EVER want you to apologize for it. Let some other bunch of pansies be all sensitive and nurturing. Your job is to be fucking BEASTS. ANIMALS. KILLERS! DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT?!

Everyone: Yes, sir!

Ryan: We are going to turn this shit around. We are going to fucking WIN. No one expects you to beat those Patriots after the turd you laid last week. THAT’S PRECISELY WHAT WE WANT. We’re gonna turn around, play our best football, and crush those empty fucking haircuts! THEN WE’RE GOING OUT FOR BURRITOS AND HOT SPANISH ASS! Do you feel me?!

Everyone: Yes, sir!

Ryan: FUCKING HANDS IN!

(all hands in)

Ryan: FUCK KILL ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE!!

Everyone: KILL!

Ryan: I have to jerk off now.

Sanchez: I call next for the jerking stall!

Shonn Greene: Fuck. I wanted the jerking stall.