It’s the second week of the preseason, which means we’re officially in the middle of prime fantasy drafting time, from now right up until Week 1. So let’s go ahead and celebrate that right now by saying…

FUCK YEAH YOU CUNTS! WOOHOO!!! OH SHIT AND A HALF! FUCKING ABOUT GODDAMN TIME! Seriously, this summer has been long and hot and awful and if I had a time machine I’d go back and start a nuclear war in April 2010 just so we’d never have had to suffer through it.

I am so not prepared for this fantasy season. I have a draft tomorrow and I am going to completely fuck it all up. Watch me draft Ben Tate in the fifth round. I’m capable of anything at this point, given what I don’t know.

Due to work and having kids, I have less time than ever to get ready for the fantasy season, and this pisses me off greatly. I used to make my own draft board before the draft, each player painstakingly slotted according to the arbitrary and breathtakingly incorrect logic in my head. That’s gone now. Nowadays, I just look at the ranking on Yahoo with 60 seconds left to pick and am like, “Eh, fuck it. I’ll take that guy.” I really should put more effort into it. It’s fantasy. It’s fucking IMPORTANT.

Alas, that probably isn’t gonna happen. I’m not gonna be able to make a draft board. I’m not gonna be able to try out an auction draft because I don’t have the time or the KRAYZEE friends to go jet to Vegas or some shit for a ROWDY WILD QUASI-SIMMONSESQUE WEEKEND THAT WILL BECOME FACKIN’ LEGENDARY! I wish I could, but I can’t.

But there is one fantasy component I will NOT be slacking on this year. Oh, yes. It’s time once again for our annual KSK fantasy team naming guide. Because fantasy football is pointless if you can’t include a good, season-long rape joke. Especially if you have women in your league. Man, do they LOVE rape jokes. Really puts them at ease. As always, we separate these out into categories. Feel free to use what’s here if you like, or suggest your own in the comments. It’s a brainstorm from some of the dullest minds on the Internet, and you’re invited!

News/Pop Culture:
South Beach Cocksuckers (my team’s name)
Windermere Predators
Dr. Laura’s Quadroons
Gary Coleman’s Tiny Headstone
Corey Haim’s License To Die
Juggalo Shit Fighters
Natasha Richardson Black Diamond
Michael Douglas’ Throat Lump
Mel Gibson’s Pack of N—-rs
Pigs in Heat
Charlie Sheen Kidney Punch
Andrew Koenig Is Bear Food
Al Gore’s Key Party
Rachel Uchitel’s IUD
Islamabad Nosecutters
Scott Pilgrim Hates Redskins
Brian Braaaaaahhhhhmmm’s Inception Theories
Justin Bieber Tampon Factory
BP Oil Jizzers
Gulf Coast Tar Blanket Bingo
Muhammad Ali Shaken Polaroids
ESPN Horndogs
Cleveland Suicide Booths
John Wooden Sucks Cocks In Hell
Seth Meyers’ Week-Old Jokes
Alabama Window Rapers
Jonah Hill’s Sudden Heart Failure
Ground Zero Muslims
Dungy’s Empty Swear Jar
Ashley Schaeffer Motors
Ron Fucking Swansons
Dancefloor Daggerers
Big Bag Full Of Mashed Up Asshole
Bulletproof Tigers
Jew York Jews
Dr. Laura’s N-Word Extravaganza Brought to You By Oreck Vacuums
Long Beach Short Bus
Jenn Sterger’s Picture Mail

Football/KSK:
Hattiesburg Cockshots
Orange Croc-sucker
Brian Westbrook’s Papier Mache Skull
Mort’s Morning Kike
Eli Manning’s Face Gash
The Brandon Marshall Struck Her Hand
Tim Tebow’s Foreskin Moccasins
Brett Favre’s Croc-marked Penis
Aunt JaMarcus’ Original Sizzurp
Chris Henry Wake n Bake n Fall Off A Truck
Cincy Scatman and Knobbin’
8 Million Dipshits Doing The Haynesworth Shuttle Run
Jahvid Best Recognize
Mark Sanchez’s Nacho-Flavored Date Rape
Botched 3 a.m. Donut Heist
Backside Gush
Jeff Pearlman’s Problem With Society
Michael Wilbon’s JUNK
Homos Icing Tebows
Eat Pray Kyle Love
FACKIN’ LARRY BIRD NATION
Football Red Sawx
Donte Stallworth Speed Bumps
Pacman’s Puzzy Drank
Emmitt Smiff’s Prophylactic Offense
Marvin Harrison Chalk Outline
Boston Fairweathers
Tony Dungy Has A Whore Mouth
Drew’s Hanging Skin
Andy Reid’s Babysitter
Mike Singletary Impromptu Prostate Exam

Rex Ryan:
Pussytubers
Roberto Humidors
Dickabod Cranes
Shercock Holmeses
Shitdildos
Baltic Vacation With the In-laws

Peter King:
A Team Going Through Something Emotional
Good Nuggets
The Normans
Jack Bowers’ Creamed Cracker
The Horse Conscious
Starwood Preferred Guests
City of United (Airlines) Bears
Crooked African Pygmy Refs
Greatness Smellers
Peroni Guzzlers
Boston Izzos
Branko Crumbs
All Puns Intentional
Legit Forty Percenters
Dynastic Wombs
Toone P. Wiggins Downhome Football Roast
East Coast Commuters
Indiana PA Starbucks

Dirty:
Rape of Good Hope
Rape Cod
Shitmouths
Muppet Afterbirths
Two-a-gays
Fisted Cows
Cock Loogies
Meaty Pussies
Creamy Pussies
Saddlegashes
Dog Fisters
Piehumpers
Platypus Cunnilingus

Big Ben:
Milledgeville Gray Penises
Milledgeville Wallskeeters
Milledgeville Ponytail Grabbers
Milledgeville Intruders
Milledgeville Girlfuckers
Milledgeville Toilet Seductress
Big Ben’s Shady Penis
Ben’s Stalled Sex Drive